So confused

[Hopeliveshere]

I don't know where to post so I'll start here. uBPDh - or is he? After 45 years I don't even know him - I do know he is not the key to my happiness... .  more like to misery. And yes, I believe love can prevail, but it doesn't mean the marriage or relationship has to stay intact.  Love from a distance, since that is what this whole relationshp has been anyway. Others got Dr Jekyll and I got Mr Hyde. So if there is such a thing as high functioning, I'm living it and no one else can see it - just me, the grown kids and his family, who all live far away from us. He never has blamed me for anything, he just ignores that there is a problem. Oh, he admits to an anger problem, did seek help and T for a year or more,  but it didn't change.

He doesn't know how to have a relationship, just superficial stuff. We've never had a real conversation. The mood swings and anger cuts in just in time to save him from that. Aggressive, defensive and being impulsive has hurt us financially.

There is more inaction than action, emotional absence/unavailable, neglect, no clinginess,  no kind words, and definitely no empathy. Seriously, the blood doesn't flow to that part of his brain, so there is   little chance for him to see the light. 

Staying will not help as I and immediate family are his triggers, altho when I detach he is nice to them.  We are in the same home but all personal discussions ended months ago.

After reading Dr Aguirre's article on "Practice of Loving Compassion" (& working on this) I realize what a different world he lives in - but he's able to flip back when it's convenient for him. Right now I work on forgiving him, but not getting back together.

[nothinleft]

A long term marriage to a BPD creates a very complex dicotomy, on the one side bonds and dependance(some very sublime) that only time can create as opposed to the emptiness and frustration of living with that self-centered, fault-finding mindset. In my case, my BPD (w/NPD traits) wife overtly displays all of those tendancies mostly with me, my presence seems to be her main trigger. She will do her utmost to interact "normally with everyone else, family or strangers. It is amazing how well they hide, but your husbands general coldness, lack of empathy and withdrawal from you speak volumes. I'll bet he blames you for a lot, he just hasn't used words to tell you. I was absolutely flabberghasted when I found out some of what my wife thought about me, although I probably should have caught on by her treatment after all of these years. In some ways, I would prefer that they go full-blown BPD all the time, that way, others would know exactly what we are dealing with on a daily basis. That trip they lay on us that we are the problem, then would be exposed, exhonorating us of all their venom, and that exposure is one of the BPD's main fears- belive me... .  nothinleft