Just can't believe how complex this issue is nor how ever-changing my grasp of it.
I am 12 months NC and largely healed but there have been so many twists and turns in the journey.
Those first few months were pure torture... . maybe even up to 6 - 8 months. My body was sensitised. My chest heavy. Throat lumpy. Head scattered.
I saw him everywhere... in my dreams, in faces in a crowd. I was on the lookout for him constantly.
The pull was strong and I was still focused on him and how he could switch the love off just like that. Who does that... . the silent treatment?
This site and a bunch of reading about personality disorders helped me process it all on a rational level. But still something was missing.
Then suddenly I began to question what it was about me that would settle for such a volatile, fractious, r/ship... . when I was getting nothing back. My T told me to try to
feel my way through things and not just think... . that my obsession with understanding my ex might just be a distraction from exploring my feelings. So I tried that but couldn't quite do it. I had blocked negative feelings like anger, resentment from a young age... . so I explored all of that.
An invalidating childhood might have made me co-dependent. My r/ship with my borderline was strangely familiar with the lack of reciprocity; the one way nature of it. So as I tried to fix, rescue and mentor him was I really just giving him the treatment my own inner child craved? Is that what this is all about? Upon exploring all of my romantic r/ships it dawned on me that none of them were equal. None were loving, adult relationships. There was a pattern of having to DO instead of just BE in order to deserve or receive love. I alone was not enough. I was not worthy of love unless I over-compensated and paid for everything, gave all of myself away, fixed broken people, mentored the younger ones, and repaired the others.
So the very real trauma of the BPD break-up... . the illogical and cruel nature of it was ultimately a gift. On a subconscious level I had been spending my life trying to find this person: someone so selfish, so lacking in empathy that no amount of giving and fixing would work. I found that person who would decimate me to such an extent that massive amounts of introspection and a rebuilding from scratch was required. And as I rebuild, I can see that the fear and pain intrinsic to my previous sense of self is just not there any more. Things look clearer, my mind is sharper, my body calmer. My detached protector has been switched off and I am front and centre of my own life.
I am no longer in pain, but nor am I ready yet for new love. I am just enjoying hanging with the new me.
So what if he made contact now? What would I do? I honestly don't know. But I am fairly certain my heart would not race; my stomache would not ball.
I think I would let it ring out then put the phone down as I forgave him and wished him well on his own tortured journey. I would pray that one day he finds someone so perfectly wrong for him as to push him down that same rabbit hole of self-discovery and healing that would change his life forever.
bb12
