Contact during separation

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Oh my, the constant massages... .  I wore my hands and fingers raw trying to keep up with his need for never ending rub downs and he never reciprocated because his hands hurt.  One of the best parts of being separated is not being expected to constantly rub his head, neck, back.  I tried to set boundaries last year when I started to work on my codependency and that did not go well at all... .  he was so upset that I was not serving his needs on demand like I used to. 

The ailments, its crazy, there is constant mysterious aches and pains, arthritis, never ending headaches, gout, sinus trouble, ear infections, sciatic nerve pain, back trouble, ankle trouble, self diagnosed lyme disease, concerns about blood clots, brain tumors and heart trouble, thyroid function.  He has been on so many different medications and gone through so many different doctors its unreal. 

After a week of fairly normal behavior, besides the constant physical complaints, he had a complete meltdown the past three days so now we are back to everything being my fault, bringing up everything he says I have done to wrong him in our time together, making up things that are not even factual, spewing verbal abuse.  THe text messages are out of control.  I have used all of the tools, validation, SET, detaching with love, not arguing or defending myself... .  none of these has stopped his roll or even slowed him down.  He wants a divorce because I am too much, he has tried everything and nothing has worked, I am too difficult and he is sick of therapy (he is not in individual therapy, this is just once a week marital therapy as a couple).  Thank goodness I have the sanctuary of my own place, its so good to not be in the middle of the whirlwind once he gets started because it can go on and on for days without a break and involves being woken up throughout the night to listen to his tirades.

I am coming closer and closer to the decision to make this permanent... .  it does not look like he will ever have recognition and will stay in denial and since I can't tell him about the BPD I can't do anything to change things. 

How are you guys doing tonight? 

[MaryJane3]

Oh my, the constant massages... .  I wore my hands and fingers raw trying to keep up with his need for never ending rub downs and he never reciprocated because his hands hurt.  One of the best parts of being separated is not being expected to constantly rub his head, neck, back.  I tried to set boundaries last year when I started to work on my codependency and that did not go well at all... .  he was so upset that I was not serving his needs on demand like I used to. 

The ailments, its crazy, there is constant mysterious aches and pains, arthritis, never ending headaches, gout, sinus trouble, ear infections, sciatic nerve pain, back trouble, ankle trouble, self diagnosed lyme disease, concerns about blood clots, brain tumors and heart trouble, thyroid function.  He has been on so many different medications and gone through so many different doctors its unreal. 

After a week of fairly normal behavior, besides the constant physical complaints, he had a complete meltdown the past three days so now we are back to everything being my fault, bringing up everything he says I have done to wrong him in our time together, making up things that are not even factual, spewing verbal abuse.  THe text messages are out of control.  I have used all of the tools, validation, SET, detaching with love, not arguing or defending myself... .  none of these has stopped his roll or even slowed him down.  He wants a divorce because I am too much, he has tried everything and nothing has worked, I am too difficult and he is sick of therapy (he is not in individual therapy, this is just once a week marital therapy as a couple).  Thank goodness I have the sanctuary of my own place, its so good to not be in the middle of the whirlwind once he gets started because it can go on and on for days without a break and involves being woken up throughout the night to listen to his tirades.

I am coming closer and closer to the decision to make this permanent... .  it does not look like he will ever have recognition and will stay in denial and since I can't tell him about the BPD I can't do anything to change things. 

How are you guys doing tonight? 

[Mike_confused]

All:

She is so variable... .  just like the BPD symptoms.   She is now avoiding contact... .  I am not initiating.   it has been 2 or 3 days.   From a detached perspective, I am curious how long this will last and what will cause the pendulum to swing back to the other extreme.   

My problem is staying detached and remaining consistent myself.  Right now I am.

[pessim-optimist]

Mike,

I think that's a good place to be. I find it liberating, to be able to go back into the "land of normal" for a period of time, gain perspective, clear my head, etc. I think that's how we start the process of healing... .  

Have been obsessing about BPD off and on for a year now. I find it is like peeling layers of an onion - re-visiting the same concepts at a deeper level. And at the same time having a more clear picture and being more centered in who I am and what my life is about... .  

Starting to figure out I had some pwBPD around growing up, and then there are at least 1-2 in my husband's family (thank goodness, my h is a non!).

The strangest thing used to happen in the past when I visited with my parents for a while - I started loosing perspective of who I was, literally, just reacting to what was coming at me, and didn't like that at all, but didn't know what else to do.

Now, when my h and I were around his daughter, the same thing was happening, our whole lives were being hijacked in front of our lives and we felt helpless... .  

Until, that is, that we found out about BPD! Things have been crazy in this last year, but we are hopeful that at least we are on the right track to not loosing our identities to an illness we cannot change.

[Mike_confused]

I am not sure whether I had BPD someone in my family with BPD growning up but it is possible.  If I did I am not sure whether it was my mother or father.    My wife is clearly strongly uBPD.   Feeling as if my life is "hijacked" by her behavior is apt description.  I find myself just reacting to her.

I am fairly certain that she has attempted to convince her therapist and pastor that I am the one with a problem (my problem unfortunately is her).  What I am unsure about is whether or not they see through her.  I suspect that the fact that she has shifted to little contact recently is a result of her last visit to her therapist.   Good for her.  I will see what happens.

[Mike_confused]

All:

As time goes by I remember more... .  

Has anyone ever experience their BPD significant other blatantly threaten to cheat on you because you were "neglecting" her (or him) in one way or another?   I had this said to me many times.  She said right before I left for my camp that she said it only once.  The times I suggested tactfully that I felt second string to the rest of life I was summarily dismissed and told that not everything is about me.

Also, has anyone every experienced your BPD wife or husband contacting your ex wife or husband to, as far as I can tell, enlist their support in determining how bad you really are?  This is thrown in my face many times:  my uBPD wife telling me what I did wrong in past relationships when we did not even know each other.

One more thing... .  has anyone been in a marriage to a BPD where she (or he) has children from a previous marriage?  Did he or she attempt to marginalize your kids/family while forcing you to become a replacement parent for her children?  Did she/he criticize you repeatedly in front of them so that the kids felt no need to show you respect? Did she/he coddle those children and make excuses for their total lack of effort while working you like a slave?  When those kids performed below standards, or out and out failed, did she attack you instead, blaming you for their failures or subjecting you to the anger that should have been directed (at some level) at them?

The longer I am separated, the more my mind clears.  I feel an urgent need to get these things out... .  they were beyond belief at the time and yet made me question my perception of reality.

[tuum est61]

Hi Mike.

Seven questions in your last post.

Seven "yeses"  for me.  I could add many others - eg. are you to completely dissociate yourself with your ex and her family, (aunt and grandparents of my 3 daughters) yet sit down to dinner with her ex's family - including her former husband - given the "excuse" that her ex is "not as bad" as your ex despite him having a child with another woman in their first year of marriage - AND he's an unemployed alcoholic living with his parents that you both visited in the hospital when he was in a near death alcohol poisoned state?

Yes - there's the double standard and hypocrisy - we still love him/her - now what?  

[Mike_confused]

Tuum,

I have no idea now what.  I will figure it out.

As far as dealing with my uBPD wife's ex-husband, yes.    He is not so bad, except for the fact that he has been terribly financially irresponsible to his kids, not paying child support for several years and then cooking the books so that he only had to provide $100 a month.   Classy.  Great father.

It is sour grapes, I know, but I provided for all the needs of her children for more than 5 years, clothes Christmas gifts, activities, and let us not forget all household bills.  All.  After we were married I continued this practice of course, but was told the kids don't like me and I am a bad influence on them.   This would infuriate me of course.

Since I left a month ago, my attitude presently toward my wife's statements that the kids hate me and I am not good for them is:  "well, it sure will save me a lot of money".  I have no support obligation for those children, but I always felt responsible and thought my doing so was the right thing. 

She pushed me too far and too hard.  It will take a monumental, and unprecedented, effort on my uBPD wife's part to get me back... .  if she wants to try.  I mean overtly attempt, in the clear, no mincing of words, no passive aggressive attempts to get me to make the move.

I am not sure that she has it in her.

[tuum est61]

Another big yes on the child support too. Her ex paid for a while on her son but stopped.  I actually didn't mind because then my W reduced the amount of criticism of me because my exW didn't pay child support - and the monthly contact for the cheque stopped and the more frequent "support" sessions my W gave her ex over the phone diminished.    

Earlier in this thread we talked a bit about you "waiting" for her to "pull the trigger".  Your comment about "no obligation to her children" has me wondering - are you sure?  As you wait it out in the woods, you might check out - with a lawyer - your jurisdictions laws on support of her children should either of you decide to call it a day on your marriage.  I assume you may have done that - but just checking.

Back to the waiting - specifically you waiting for "overt" and "monumental" efforts on her part to address her BPD/your marital issues - I doubt she has it in her either.  

So here I go again, now what? (not looking for an answer - as you said you will figure it out - just pointing out that the question remains)

[Mike_confused]

Tuum,

if it appears that the separation will continue to stagnate for another month, I will as her what her intentions are.  If I get the normal double talk, I will lay it out... .  we are moving forward, maybe together and maybe apart, but we a definitely moving forward.

Your question is a good one.  My answer goes back to one of my statements from a few days ago:  I am not going to stay in limbo waiting on her forever.

[tuum est61]

You will figure this out Mike - especially with help from the people around here.





This thead has reached 4 pages so I am going to lock it down. Feel free to start up another thread on the same topic and continue the discussion.