Question about setting boundaries

[skwyz1]

I have a question regarding boundaries.  Here's my situation: I've been married to my husband for 18 years and I believe he has BPD.  He's on VA disability for back problems and has been diagnosed with mood and anxiety disorders as well as OCD and is on medication for these.  Lately he's been having some very difficult 'episodes', a lot of raging and anger due to a period of prolonged stress and these episodes have been directed at me.  The most recent of these episodes are because I told him I'm tired of his excessive drinking & pot smoking, which has sent him over the edge and now he's drinking & smoking MORE to prove I can't tell him what to do and has asked for a divorce because I'm too mean & controlling and he wants to 'take back his life'.  I can't afford a divorce right now and we've tentatively agreed to maybe try to work things out, however I really can't handle being around him when he drinking so I've decided a boundary of mine is I'm turning one of our rooms into 'my' room with my own tv so I have a place to go and get away from his drinking.

My question is, since I'll have to buy a small tv and do some room changes to accomplish this is it a good idea to tell him why I'm doing this?  If not then how do I go about accomplishing this?

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[Vindi]

you need your space and time for being alone... .  its better to leave the situation (be in another room) than to listen and possibly fight with him, which will not help. Just tell him you are doing this for YOU and to find a peaceful place to be in. I think all couples whether fighting or not need space. I am sure his smoking and drinking doesn't help the situation any more, I guess you have to decide if you want to be with this type of behavior or not.

[yeeter]

Do it.  I wouldnt explain much other than if asked, that its just what is needed to move into it.

If he argues about it, tell him a small tv is cheaper than a divorce.

(btw - in my area people give old tube tv's away for free every day on craigslist.  Especially the big ones are easy to find)

You cant control what he does - including smoking and drinking.  But choosing not to be around him in this state is a perfectly reasonable boundary imo.  Make sure there is a lock on the door.  And if he disrupts you while in your space, stay with a friend/family.

Divorce is costly to everyone.  But so is not taking care of your own health - and nothing causes more physical problems than prolonged stress.  So consider figuring out how to care for yourself a high priority for a number of different reasons.

[waverider]

Given he has already pushed back by increasing his habit he knows you dont like it, so you removing yourself will be obvious. If asked say you want your own space free from pot and alcohol.

Dont tell him to stop or else you wont spent time with him. That will be a demand and will auto trigger denial/defensiveness. No need to spell out the obvious, keep it about you doing what you choose to do, let him work out how to fit around it.

[Randi Kreger]

I think it's important to stress you are doing this FOR YOU not AGAINST HIM. If he has BPD, he could take it as abandonment.

[skwyz1]

Thank you everyone for the helpful advice.  Now I have another issue I could really use some advice on.  My first counseling session was scheduled for this morning so I went to bed at 11 to make sure I got up early.  My BPDh came to bed around midnight after having a few beers & a few bowls and woke me up wanting to 'talk'.  So this is the first time he's wanted to talk since he announced last Saturday that he wants a divorce.  We talked a little and managed to not let the conversation escalate into a fight, but I kept telling him I really needed to get to sleep.  After 1/2 hour he finally stopped, but he was hyper & not able to sleep so kept tossing & turning & getting up and down, going in and out of the room etc. until finally about 2:15 he went downstairs, mind you he hadn't slept AT ALL the night before so at this point in time he had been up for about 40 hours or more.  Anyway I wasn't able to fall back to sleep, at all.  So I was in no shape to make it to my counseling apt.  I called and rescheduled but they cannot get me in for 3 more weeks!  I'm devastated, I feel like I'm going crazy and can't live with him for one more day.  Today's counseling session was my life line.  So now what do I do?  How do I hang on for 3 more weeks?  I really, really need to talk to a professional, one on one, now or I think I'm going to go completely crazy.

[yeeter]

Hugs skwyz

 

Basically, you werent successful at setting a boundary (that you need sleep!).  So read up on the boundaries for next time.

And I genuinely understand living from T session to T session, and how critical it is.  Sometimes my T was able to work in a phone call if scheduling didnt allow the face to face.

And use these boards.  They are here 24/7 and not limited to the usual 50mins.  So feel free to share what you are going through by posting.

(btw - the abandonment thing is a great flag, and since you are not moving out - only moving to another room - be sure to reinforce with him that you dont want to leave him, just that you need some space to yourself (ie.  your not abandoning or leaving!).  Personally, when I moved to my own room it helped a LOT!  I had some personal space where I could relax.  I got more sleep.  Sleep cascades into everything else so is a really critical thing)

Dont forget to breathe... .  tell us whats going on with you.

[waverider]

This is were having that other room with a bed in it would have helped you set a boundary about getting sleep.

Laying awake at night with frustration and the resulting sleep deprivation was a huge issue for me, it caused a lot of follow on issues. It is usually the result of not being able to protect your boundaries.

[waverider]

By the way my partner used to force herslf to stay a wake all night. It was a form of self harm. She claimed she was bad and didnt deserve to get any sleep. The resultant sleep depravation always caused a blow up the next day.

I had to make a boundary that if she deliberately stayed awake, then I would refuse to be around her the next day

[justme402]

you need your space and time for being alone... .  its better to leave the situation (be in another room) than to listen and possibly fight with him, which will not help. Just tell him you are doing this for YOU and to find a peaceful place to be in. I think all couples whether fighting or not need space. I am sure his smoking and drinking doesn't help the situation any more, I guess you have to decide if you want to be with this type of behavior or not

This such an excellent point - and one worth remembering. AwEsOmE!

[skwyz1]

Here's an update to my current situation; after I rescheduled my counseling session this morning I had a bit of a breakdown & cried for a while.  I was just so distraught that I couldn't talk to anyone face to face about what's going on and felt like I wasn't going to be able to handle the stress in my house for another 3 weeks!  I didn't talk to my BPDh but just went into my room & cried.  He told me he was leaving for a couple of hours to run some errands so I was able to finally get some sleep around 10 am.  I woke back up about 3 and he had not returned so I called him; no answer.  Texted, no reply.  Checked our online banking & discovered he had taken a few $100 ATM deductions, so I figured he was out gambling.  I texted him and asked about the deductions, no reply.

So I decided it was just time for me to leave for a little while & made a reservation at a local motel (rates are cheap right now) packed a suitcase and texted him to let him know I was leaving.  He responded that he was indeed at the casino and was sorry but would be home soon.  I responded I wouldn't be here but would call him tomorrow and asked if he would be willing to set up counseling sessions for us with his VA clinic since I couldn't get in for another 3 weeks.  He called once I was at my motel & he did set up counseling sessions for us!  I was very surprised.  I told him I would rather he not contact me for a few days because I need some space and he has agreed. 

I can't even describe how much better I feel now that I'm away from all the stress he's been creating, even if it's just for a little while 

[waverider]

I can't even describe how much better I feel now that I'm away from all the stress he's been creating, even if it's just for a little while 

I know exactly how this feels, my partner went back into residential detox again yesterday, so a few days just me and my son. Its like the clouds of neediness have lifted, for a while.

A break of a few days is essential to get you grounded again.

[yeeter]

A break of a few days is essential to get you grounded again.

Critical.  First step is SLEEP!  Your body/brain doesnt function so well without sleep, and this cascades into everything else.

Its great your H setup some counseling.  When (or if) you do go back to the house, that might be a good time to move into that spare room and not right back into the shared space.

If you can at all do it use the hotel exercise facilities (sleep, eat right, exercise - fundamental to good health and the very starting point for rebuilding your life!)