Borderline or full blown diagnosable mental disease?

[nothinleft]

For years my BPDw presented in a manner that seemed normal enough yet created a great deal of tension. Now she is almost constantly and angrily acting out all of her BPD-NPD fears and aggression. I am her only companion, because all of the others have become worn out and now shy away. Also, since I am her main trigger, I am now receiving her mess 24/7. Her acting out is now totally irrational and leads to many crisises each week. She also misunderstands many simple conversations and can't remember such simple facts as her phone# and sometimes even what day it is. What realy makes me wonder if she truly mentally ill beyond BPD (w/NPD traits) is that she always and totally defends her baseless and outrageous acusations and actions. Everything is my fault and she is completely justified in everything. She now has no outside interests, doesnt read, cook, sew, clean, nothing, just stays in bed and watches tv and wants to escape by going to sleep, until another flare-up gets her going. We have gone to all types of doctors and at least 3 institutions and no help. This is now an intollerable situation with no seeming answers from the "professionals". She still seems to present "normally" in front of the doctors, both medical and psychiatric, but I think even that facade is becoming beyond her control. That is realy my only hope, because then they can see with their own eyes what I have been putting up with and maybe help-who knows. Anyone one out there have a similar experience or just some thoughts? This has to now be more than borderline? Can phobias, BPD, NPD progress into full-blown mental illness?

[Surnia]

I feel with you, nothinleft, your description sounds like your SO is in a deep crisis. If BPD or NPD or something else, all these mental problems can be progress, it is not a static thing.

I would focus more on yourself. What keeps you in this rs?

That is realy my only hope, because then they can see with their own eyes what I have been putting up with and maybe help-who knows.

She can only get the proper help when she is accepting something is wrong. This is something you cannot control.

What are your options?

[nothinleft]

You are absolutely correct-I have to focus on myself and the how I perceive and react. Through much counseling I have effectively learned many tools and mechanisms that have kept me from getting buried. I try not to blame, threaten, or over-reason, I set boundaries and use many of the other tools, even calmly walking away if nothing else works. Almost always, this gets twisted; any non agreement or boundary set becomes verbal abuse, and when I have to physically exit the situation, her abandonment issues take over and the whole episode then becomes more proof to her how lousy I actually am. My therapist comes up with great sounding scenarios and dealing methods, but nothing works with her when the mess in her mind gets heated up. They might work for me, but unless they work for her too this dis-connect escalates. Let's face it- if the foundation of her sanity is missing, every mechaism based on it is ineffective. To my BPD (w/NPD traits), her percertions are correct, no matter what the havoc or outcome. I stay with her because she in incapable of any type of independance, and other arrangements are not available until the professionals see just how out of control she is now or when she becomes so much worse that she is no longer capable of hiding her sickness. And she will get worse as her history is proving, unfortunatly, that means more time and agony, regardless of how sanely I cope. I really regret that I sound so down about these prospects-but I am working on it, I'll climb out- I always do... .  nothinleft

[Willow Bird]

... .  She also misunderstands many simple conversations and can't remember such simple facts as her phone# and sometimes even what day it is... .  She now has no outside interests, doesnt read, cook, sew, clean, nothing, just stays in bed and watches tv and wants to escape by going to sleep, until another flare-up gets her going.

This part sounds like clinical depression, especially since you say this is relatively new behaviour.

I'm surprised that doctors haven't picked up on this, but then I guess there are so many BPD symptoms mixed in there that it could be confusing.  Is she already on antidepresents? And if so, is she taking her meds?  Do you think you can suggest this possibility and get her to ask a doctor for antidepressents so she can start to feel better (and so you can hopefully get a little relief!)

Good luck.  Stay strong!

[nothinleft]

HGF, Yes she's clinically depressed, and has been treated for depression, phobias, separation anxiety and much more emotional stuff for years. Her MO is to seek a pill or procedure (many times its an operation) to cure anything she feels might be wrong with her. She never wants to take real personal responsibility, like dietary changes or exercise. And as is the case now, if she doesn't see or want to see a problem she won't do anything about it no matter what anyone tells her. Those many surgeries and many powerful medications over the years have greatly contributed to her many physical and mental difficulties that she suffers today. But there again, her tremendous denial of anything that might reveal her culpability comes into play. It has covered up and exhonorated herself of so much resposibility already, that it has been a small step to deny the terrible results of her poor medical choices. This is not my first rodeo, I have been trying to find answers for a few years now and I have just about run out of ideas. That is why I have started to post on these boards again. I need and appreciate everyones input.

[Surnia]

I am very glad you started posting again. We want to support you.

Your situation is really difficult and I feel with you. 

It feels like you are stuck right now.

Can you tell us little more what are the scenarios and proposes from your T?

Did you read the LESSONS on the staying board? I even ask myself if you would better spend and post on the Staying board?

Staying board does not mean you have to stay. I spend a lot of my first time here on bpdfamily.com on Staying. I had so much benefit about enmeshment, co-dependence. It helped me to become stronger for whatever was coming later.