How do you know when it's time? When is enough enough?

[southerngirl]

My husband and I started in couples therapy then our last session was in December because he refused to go back because he felt like he was beat up on and blamed for everything. In January the therapist told me he thinks that my husband has BPD.  I felt so overwhelmed and my head was spinning. A lot of the information made sense, but it's still hard to digest and process. I've gone several times on my own to the same counselor.  My husband is not particularly happy about it.  At first complains that I go and tries to control then says I can go and says he supports me.  He did decide to go see the therapist on his own next week. My therapist says this is a long journey and that I can make it through this.  I feel so worn out.  He told me it's a liveable situation.  Who wants "liveable"?  Is that what we signed up for when we get married?

Part of what I am having such a difficult time with is that he has gotten worse as we have gotten older and been together.  We are both in our 40s.  In hindsight I see signs and instances that should have bothered me and I should have left then but didn't.  Now it's even harder with kids. My son is having temper issues and I am scared that he will grow up to be like him.  I want to know if he will get better.  I know there is no sure answer for that.  But from all that I've read it seems unlikely. So much of what I've read seems more about management, mainly on my part.  It would be better if it were horrible every day.  That would be an easy decision.  But it's not.  We go for a few days and it's good.  He's nice, helpful and thoughtful.  Then we have an instance like last week where he talked to me like a child and completely belittled me.  He was trying to control what I do about a job when I finish my Masters in May.  I didn't feel like a spouse or a partner.  I felt like a child.  My son told me on Saturday that his dad makes him feel like an idiot.  But then my son is reaching out for Dad's attention 30 mins later.

I just want to do what's healthy and right for my kids and me.  I want the roller coaster to stop.  I want my happiness back.  I want to laugh and smile again.

[gina louise]

southerngirl

Whether you stay or finally leave and separate-I suggest  counseling for your son for sure.

[momtara]

Hi.  Glad you came here.  I am in a similar situation to you although my kids are younger.  My husband would be fine for weeks at a time, and then get cruel for several days in a row.  Glad your counselor is on the ball.  Unfortunately we have to be delicate with husbands like this.  I thought my situation was liveable too, but looking back, I had to be so careful when bringing up certain topics around my husband.  I could see my son starting to get affected too.

You don't have to make a split second decision.  Be smart and don't share all your thoughts with your husband.  Keep talking to the counselor and posting here. 

Unfortunately, some of these men don't confront their problems until their wives leave and then they realize how good they have it.  But leaving can backfire too. 

Are you able to talk to your son and just tell him not to be negative and angry somehow?  Or does your husband control and hamstring you too much?

I am facing a possible divorce.  I love my husband and never wanted to break up a family.  On the other hand, he got worse a few months ago and did something I'd have never expected.  He got all anxious during several days of arguing and started claiming that I hit our son, which I never did.  I didn't know he was capable of that.  He had imagined things and made threats before, but that went too far.

So it all depends on your husband's limits.  He could have BPD traits and not be totally BPD.  He has to at least understand how hurt you are by his ridicule of you, and you could point out that you don't ever do that to him.  That's important - don't sink to that level.

Keep me posted!

[gina louise]

momtara and southerngirl

I was forced into a divorce that I also never wanted in a million years. I wanted to try therapy or counseling first-but HUSBAND refused. I STILL love him -although now with LC at 3 months out I feel very detached from any of his actions/words/accusations. I need to create my own safe zone-and recover what I left (MY NEEDS and PLANS) to be married to him.

The last two months before I left-His rages lasted days/weeks where the good times lasted hours/days... .  such a shame-as he does have good qualities and I do love him. But the mood swings and rages became too much. I can still love the man and hate/avoid his behavior.

At the end HUSBAND claimed that I was HIS abuser! All I ever did was stay silent, try to justify my feelings, try to state an opinion, cringe in a corner of the couch, and finally begin to take my keys and leave the house or at least the room-while he was screaming in my face.

When I left-I was numb. I felt immune. Like he could have done anything-and I was past knowing or caring. I only told a few trusted people what he was like at home-behind closed doors. He was ONLY "that way" at home. and ONLY to me! The one person who loved and had trusted him.

He absolutely was unable to see how out of control his rages were. That's what convinced me to leave. That I needed time and distance to heal myself.

He was able to calmly justify abusive, crazed, raging behaviors the next day by stating that I "drove" him to it. By just BEING there. 

Get advice, don't become isolated, TELL PEOPLE YOU TRUST, learn to leave during his rages-take the kids and go to a movie, the mall, or ice cream or the park... .  just GO. He cant bully or demand with NO VICTIMS.   

GL

[seeking balance]

I just want to do what's healthy and right for my kids and me.  I want the roller coaster to stop.  I want my happiness back.  I want to laugh and smile again.

Right now, you said it best -you are spinning.  It is hard to make good decisions from that place.  Little things can help the roller coaster to stop until you can make the best decision for you and your kids.

Continue with your therapy - perhaps even therapy for your son.

Focus on learning about BPD, the skills to not make situations worse.  The staying board lessons are really good.

Little things for yourself - what little things can you do daily to regain your balance?  Go for a walk, yoga, read, a bath - what is it that can give you a taste of that warm fuzzy cared for feeling?

Most of the time, it didn't get this way overnight and it won't be fixed (meaning staying or leaving) overnight.

You will know when enough is enough - sounds silly, trust me I know, but you will know when you have had enough.

Peace,

SB

[momtara]

I should add that even though I just filed for divorce, I keep going back and forth on it, so I'm not really ready.  But I sure can't live with him again. 

Seems like you aren't ready to leave yet, and that's fine.  Now that you know that it's BPD, you can try to use some of the techniques to deal with him.  Not all people with BPD are the same.  My hubby isn't as bad as some, but he could be better, too.  Your situation may indeed be liveable, but you have to see if he gets better or worse.