BPD vs NPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just wondering what is the marked difference because it sounds like DH XW is probably more NPD?

However, when I used to talk to XW(before DH and I married), she said DH is a Narcissist and emailed me articles about it so maybe she diagnosed herself with BPD since I read that NPDs and BPDs are attracted to each other?

One of her reasons why DH was a Narcissist was because he supposedly stopped being intimate with her after a few months of being married. DH's reason was because XW went on a trip with her ex boyfriend for a month and he was disgusted with her.

They rekindled their passion after 2 years when they went to counseling, had children subsequently but again intimacy was gone in the last 2 years of marriage due to DH was sleeping in another bedroom. DH explanation was because he caught her cheating several times and again was disgusted with her. He had no intention of divorcing her. She divorced him.

DH and I have been married for 2 years and intimacy is even better than before so it is opposite to XW's experience.

DH exhibits some unstable, anxious reactions which seems BPD when he feels threatened or scared which he says he learned from his past(coping strategies) which used to frustrate me but we learned communication techniques to recognize it so the discussion does not escalate. I just don't know if this is from prolonged unhealthy interaction with his XW or if this is a personality disorder although I think it is more of a learned behavior because DH actually has an insight to what is happening to him at that moment and can describe me his fears.

Any input is appreciated.

[Allure]

Just wondering what is the marked difference because it sounds like DH XW is probably more NPD?

However, when I used to talk to XW(before DH and I married), she said DH is a Narcissist and emailed me articles about it so maybe she diagnosed herself with BPD since I read that NPDs and BPDs are attracted to each other?

One of her reasons why DH was a Narcissist was because he supposedly stopped being intimate with her after a few months of being married. DH's reason was because XW went on a trip with her ex boyfriend for a month and he was disgusted with her.

They rekindled their passion after 2 years when they went to counseling, had children subsequently but again intimacy was gone in the last 2 years of marriage due to DH was sleeping in another bedroom. DH explanation was because he caught her cheating several times and again was disgusted with her. He had no intention of divorcing her. She divorced him.

DH and I have been married for 2 years and intimacy is even better than before so it is opposite to XW's experience.

DH exhibits some unstable, anxious reactions which seems BPD when he feels threatened or scared which he says he learned from his past(coping strategies) which used to frustrate me but we learned communication techniques to recognize it so the discussion does not escalate. I just don't know if this is from prolonged unhealthy interaction with his XW or if this is a personality disorder although I think it is more of a learned behavior because DH actually has an insight to what is happening to him at that moment and can describe me his fears.

Any input is appreciated.

[stuckinbetween]

I had a little trouble following who is who in your email. What's a DH? Someone sleeping in another bedroom because of a partner's infidelity doesn't necessarily point to a personality disorder.  There are checklists online that can help identify narc traits.  It's important to know that the traits are pronounced and stable over time, and are not a reaction to a single incident.

Stuckinbetween

[tog]

DH is "dear husband"... .  she is referring to her husband's ex-wife.

Narcissism is marked more by grandiose sense of self, entitlement, haughty, arrogant and condescending behaviors... .  BPD more by emotional instability, poor sense of self, impulsive and self-destructive behaviors.

That being said, there is A LOT of overlap between them. In our case, my SO's stbxw seems to have traits of both. As I think of it, on her "good days" she is narcissistic (haughty and condescending) and on her bad days she is BPD (emotionally dysregulated, paranoid and a bit delusional).

[Allure]

I thought DH is ":)ivorced Husband". Sorry... .  

My husband said XW lives in a fantasy world where she believes he is supposed to support her and pay half of all children's expenses. I used to think he was exaggerating but my Stepkids also told me that their Mom told them this.

Recently, my husband's Lawyer met with XW and her Fiancée and Lawyer said they have unrealistic expectations that my husband is supposed to pay half of all the children's expenses. Lawyer also said to be very careful because she is very manipulative.

My husband said all her actions and words are calculated and designed to get a reaction.

So I guess she is more NPD?

[scraps66]

It could very well work out that H has to pay half for the expenses, maybe even more.  My support order states that we split activities 64/36 which is the split used for support and child care expenses.  Now this does not include expenses such as clothing and toys, etc.  Some orders do include that stuff too.

I think whether NP or BPD, the sense of unreasonable expectations and entitlement is prevalent.  My ex is certainly BP, and exhibits NP traits, things like always ahving to get things her way and be right.  To the point that she can actually fabricate situations to "make" herself right.  Not sure if this is NP, or just the 5yr old immature mentality of BP.

[ForeverDad]

While it is difficult to categorize one thing for each, it has often been noted that BPD has a root issue, fear of abandonment, and NPD has a root issue, fear of belittlement.

Be aware that some disordered people have traits that can be attributed to multiple disorders. If gignifanct, you could say they are "comorbid" with multiple pesonality disorders.  People are complex, so are their disorders.

In my case, my ex fits every one of the Paranoid traits, most of the Borderline and many of the Narcissistic.

[livednlearned]

on her "good days" she is narcissistic (haughty and condescending) and on her bad days she is BPD (emotionally dysregulated, paranoid and a bit delusional).

That's really interesting -- describes my N/BPDxh exactly. I hadn't thought of it that way, but it's pretty accurate.

Allure, maybe this is helpful? What is the relationship between BPD and narcissism (NPD)?

I also found Randi Kreger's article on Psychology Today to be helpful (there are 9 parts): www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201110/what-have-you-done-me-lately-entitlement-key-narcissistic-trait

[tog]

On her NPD days, I want to punch her lights out, she's so condescending. She sends these subtly scathing emails acting as if my SO has the brains of a mentally challenged 5-year-old. On her BPD days, I feel a little sorry for her. The fear of abandonment and vulnerability are more obvious, as well as the paranoid delusions that SO is trying to take SS away from her.

I can't imagine having to live in same house with someone like that. It's bad enough dealing with her second-hand!

[Truth in Ruin]

I wonder what would happen if a BPD dated a NPD; or a BPD dated a BPD... Before I found out my ex had BPD, I thought she had NPD. In any case, it is SCAREY close at times.

[ForeverDad]

Two BPDs?  I don't know, probably double the chaos?

BPD & NPD?  It's often been remarked that this seems to last because such relationships feed off each other, sort of like a twisted dysfunctional version of "yin and yang".

My ex's parents (mother and stepfather) seemed to function in public because they each had different types of neediness and though it lasted for many years, it really damaged the children.

My ex often said she had young men chasing her but they were too macho.  I guess I was more compliant, less firm on boundaries and she could sense that?  Anyway, I doubt they would have put up with her behaviors as long as I did.  No wonder she rejected their advances.

[Forward2free]

My ex is BPD and NPD and the swing from one day to the next (or minute by minute) was almost like different personalities - I really wondered over the years if it was Bipolar or schizophrenia - such was the dance.

I wasn't diagnosed with any disorder, but being too nice, forgiving, sympathetic, soft, tolerant, understanding, maternal... .  made it all the harder to step back and view more than just the last day. If I thought further back, the pain was too much, I took it a day at a time and it was bearable.

Having kids showed me that they didn't have the same choice as me. I had put them in that situation and it was up to me to get them out of it. I couldn't explain their dad's mood swings, its-all-about-me attitude, fiery short temper, hurtful words, disappearing for weeks on end, waking them up in the middle of the night because he needed them, trying to turn the kids against me and my family etc etc.

It's a minefield.