Playing the victim: a BPD trait?

[cocobell]

Hi all,

I just wondered if this was a BPD trait: playing the victim. To the point where it is almost like they enjoy it. My ex/friend seems to be a master at this. If I say something that could possibly be construed as insulting, no matter how far fetched, he will milk whatever I've said for all it's worth, really overdoing the offence taken, really laying the guilt on thick. He looks like he gets something out of it, as weird as that might sound.

If the boot's on the other foot though, and he has said something genuinely insulting which offends me, then guess who is still the victim? Of course. He acts hurt that I would take issue with something he said. There seems to be no way around him being the victim, and me being the mean person.

He also talks frequently about how other people 'pick on' him, or he has been 'abandoned', and so on. It is all about feeling sorry for himself, he doesn't feel sorry for others. The victim thing seems to be part of him making EVERYTHING about himself.

I have encountered watered down versions of this behaviour before but his is so extreme. I wonder what caused it, and what function it serves, what he gets out of it. Do people with BPD all have a variant of this behaviour? What does it achieve for them?

CB

[Clearmind]

Any person is capable of playing the victim – i.e. blaming others for their woes.

Victimhood is a way of blaming to relinquish the hurt/pain. Borderlines are not able to self soothe or see their role in the conflict cycle.

Because Borderlines are not capable of seeing their role they will project their bad feelings onto those closest to them. He lacks empathy – a person who lacks empathy and has no self identify will blame shift.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

US: as victims

What do you do when he projects? Its possible we can also act as victims when we counter-attack.

[nothinleft]

cocobell, Irrational abandonment fears are huge for most BPDs. They cannot act out as being unjustly treated in that manner unless they do consider themselves victims. NPDs fear the loss of specialness or entitlement, and they also need to be victims for the very same reason. Most people with a pd that becomes so overt to cause problems have a piece of each of those dynamics, although one is usually dominant. True arrogance is significant in both, although it might be almost unrecognizable by its benign presentation, but the fact is; they offensively exaggerate the importance or their own fears regardless of the havoc it wreaks on others. Your many logical questions do have answers but they are very complicated and yet incomplete because so much is still unknown. Suffice it to say that a BPD (w/NPD traits), although not considered technically insane (they might be someday) is still very mentally irrational, which does not compute in a sane realm. Actually you would get much more benefit by looking into yourself and preparing for the onslaught and the many personal questions you will have to face if you decide to continue at any level with this person. Hope that helps-I know its true in my case... .  nothinleft

[cocobell]

Thanks for the responses.

He will either actively shift the blame and go on the attack, or passively do it i.e. sulk, wallow in self-pity, give silent treatment. In either case I am at a loss as to how to react. At first I tried to rationalise with him but it doesn't work, he just gets more and more irrational and (wilfully?) misunderstands everything I say. It's a downward spiral that ends up nowhere.

I wonder whether this behaviour is a form of self-soothing gone wrong. Feeling sorry for ourselves can feel good can't it? I wonder whether it makes him feel better to behave/think this way.

CB

[Clearmind]

coco, its really best not to react but rather respond to these episodes.

Have you ever witnessed two toddlers playing - one has a toy and the other toddler wants it. Toddler #1 has the toy and is teasing Toddler #2 with it - poking out his tongue and giving the evil eye. In reaction to that Toddler #2 screams and cries at Toddler #1 and tries to snatch the toy from him with little success.

Result ---> chaos, drama, tantrums, abuse!

Your partner is like Toddler #1 - if we react like Toddler #2 --- it ends in tears for all involved. The best way to handle situations like this is to not play the game, don't rationalize, don't engage. Be the bigger person and simply don't react.

The reason why we tend to react instead of respond, is because we feel victimized and blame our partners for us feeling woeful, at the hands of their accusations/blame! We need to build our self worth and not take what they dish out personally - remain detached from it. Its not yours to own. By reacting you are owning it and the cycle of conflict ensues.

Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference?

Stop accusations and blaming

Arguing - don't engage

I wonder whether this behaviour is a form of self-soothing gone wrong. Feeling sorry for ourselves can feel good can't it? I wonder whether it makes him feel better to behave/think this way.

CB

You could be right!

Feeling sorry for ourselves is a form of victimhood – your partner does feel misunderstood and an outcast in his world - Borderlines do need to learn to self-soothe without us being Toddler #2...

[waverider]

This is a huge part of my partners self defense.

It is soothing in a way by projecting their role as aggressor onto you, thereby making themselves the innocent victim. Often they triangulate you by approaching a third party to be the rescuer and validating the claim that you are abusing them. You react badly to this and end up reinforcing their claim. The original issue now being lost in the translations.

Hence they have soothed themselves by hand balling the anger to you. It may sound crazy but watch this pattern the next time it happens it is quite expertly and smoothly done.

If you make a fuss of being the victim here they see it as you stealing their role. This can incite them and the whole cycle starts again

You need to break this chain by not reacting to their claims, hence not giving a toe hold for the projections.