Not seeing perspective in life anymore as detaching is (2) heavy (?)

[HarmKrakow]

Some of you might know my story.

In short, met a wonderful girl, out of a sexual and physical abusive r/s which endured boulimia issues when she was younger, saw her father cheat on her mother (never been told after) and had a severe medical surgery when she was younger and only 1 friend of all her friends came and visit.

We were awesome together and we started living together. Since October I had a period of mental exhaustion where i stopped with work and school and suddenly, overnight, where the week before she wanted to marry, have kids, have it all, she walked all over me and painted me black. Feelings were gone, she wanted to go, ever since October it has been push and pull.

I could not fysically and mentally understand how one could be from loving to hating, (she even said so) and say one week that she wanted the world and all out of a sudden she didn't want anything anymore. However, we officially never broke up, it was me visiting, growing strong, growing weak again. Push and pull. For me to restart my life a bit again as I was physically and mentally not stable enough to go back to study or work I just started a week ago with a big reputationable financial firm. I run >65h a week at the moment but still run home every day in the hope that she is online. Sents me a message etc. Last time I heard her voice was on Sunday, where she told me, I was to blame for her break in self-confidence and that therefore she couldn't perform very well at work, I heard her cry, and she said that she now wants to do everything on her own. She said that the last year with me was fake and that I increased her self-confidence and then broke it again. All I heard was that I've been selfish for the last few months and that i've done everything wrong lately. I was to blame for it all, and I haven't heard her say once that she put any blame on herself. It was months and months of pointing the finger at me.

Now I started to work, where my colleagues laugh and joke about me that I'm so emotional about a girl, I work so much hours that I don't have time for any other social life around work.

I, from time to time, have really strong urges of having enough of life. The energy of stepping out of bed to continue life is just so tough. I don't have the balls to discuss anything with my gf. We are officially still together but we haven't discussed anything in regards of our r/s since January 7th, and that was that we were heading in the right direction! Since then our communication has been so poor. I receive every 24/48 or 3 days a 2/3 sentence mail about that she is busy and hope i'm doing well etc. The constant loneliness and zero social life (i work in a financial firm, they are all so shallow) every time i get back from work is killing me. The void is so deep, it goes through everything in my life and I have nobody in my life to talk to and discuss this stuff besides my 2 shrinks.

How do I continue? I am in therapy with 2 shrinks, and they both worry that this drags me down the gutter. I've wasted so much money on this girl, and it went all one way, my self-confidence is gone because I gave it all to her, and even my social confidence, to go out, to feel confident when standing in front of a mirror. I don't have it anymore or feel it anymore. My friends think i'm an idiot for accepting so much bull~ in my life, as they all know me ...

... as the cold, rational, clever guy who always had his ~ together.

:'(

[just me.]

Hey Harmkrakow,

I think I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling.  Can you explain in what way you are still officially together?  Do you still ever see each other?  Are you intimate?

The details of what you describe here sounds like a lot more push than pull... .  have there been moments in this any time recently that it actually seemed like maybe it was going to end up working out between you two?  Do you feel right now as though that is still a possibility?

[Surnia]

Harmkrakow,

so sorry about your situation! You sound really at your ends and also depressed. 

I am sharing the worries with your Ts. Do they have any advice for you?

Is there anything you can do for you to break the circle downward? Detaching is not only something we can do in loneliness and silence. We need also inputs from outside. Some sport, being with friends. New activities. Fresh air, fresh wind.

Please stay in contact harmkrakow. We are about you.

[Rose Tiger]

I think you are going to have to get a puppy.  That will get you moving.  The puppy says, I need to go out.  You say, I'm too tired.  Puppy says, that's fine, I'll just pee on the sofa, no problem.  You suddenly become an olympic speed race runner. 

Seriously, when I'm all sad, having a pet look at me with those love eyes, it makes it hard to not smile.  They do help.

[HarmKrakow]

Hey Harmkrakow,

I think I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling.  Can you explain in what way you are still officially together?  Do you still ever see each other?  Are you intimate?

The details of what you describe here sounds like a lot more push than pull... .  have there been moments in this any time recently that it actually seemed like maybe it was going to end up working out between you two?  Do you feel right now as though that is still a possibility?

We are together as that the last time we saw each other (we don't live together at the moment) we ended with, we are making good steps in our r/s. Other than that, i was supposed to visit her end of January but she send me an email saying that she now is certain that I lack all sense of empathy and that I don't understand her feelings and all I do is purely myself... meaning, I wasn't welcome to visit her. But we did still speak afterwards. However, other than that ... we never spoke about our r/s after that.

But we are still in contact (a little) and I still am fixing some of her debt issues currently by calling debt collection agencies and such (funnily enough this entire r/s also brought me in debt, quite severe ... )

And yeah, when we speak to each other, from both sides, that little spark flies around the corner and then hope flies around and we end every conversation on a good note ... unfortunately then I have no idea when the next conversation will arrive ...

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkrakow,

so sorry about your situation! You sound really at your ends and also depressed. 

I am sharing the worries with your Ts. Do they have any advice for you?

Is there anything you can do for you to break the circle downward? Detaching is not only something we can do in loneliness and silence. We need also inputs from outside. Some sport, being with friends. New activities. Fresh air, fresh wind.

Please stay in contact harmkrakow. We are about you.

I do sound depressed and at my end. My shrink won't want to give me anti-depressants yet because he says that my reaction to that might be a bit severe. As I have no money at the moment, the income of job is welcome and needed. However if I start with medication I might drop further and even lose my job. And that would be a shame as it is a top financial firm in the City. (As that was what I was doing before all this BPD r/s bullcrap )

I do need to break the circle downwards. How? No idea, my work leaves me nothing to do between Monday and Friday ... and on weekends the loneliness hits so freaking hard that I mostly just lie in bed, eat some simple food and cry in my bed. Mind to mention that i'm just 25 years old. I'm currently sitting in a train to work and the mere thought of, I've had enough of life and I rather not be here is something which scares me. My shrink tells me that my BPD and me were the 'perfect' disaster fit as she filled such a deep void inside me that, now months later, the pain is so severe that it drives you mentally and physically completely crazy.

And still, all I want is having a better r/s with my BPD gf. I'm so stubborn in my thinking...  I've had enough of all this guys. Im thinking of atleast working another few weeks and then quit the job or go on sickleave, as the job does pay very good on a weekly basis already so it leaves me some space to 'breath' again.

[Surnia]

I understand now the problem with medication/job/debts... .   

What about some sport during the week? Exercise, swimming... .  

The weekends: Not healthy at all right now. Can you try to see some friends? Doing more sport than?

[HarmKrakow]

I understand now the problem with medication/job/debts... .   

What about some sport during the week? Exercise, swimming... .  

The weekends: Not healthy at all right now. Can you try to see some friends? Doing more sport than?

I will try. The issue is, i'm more and more becoming a loner, someone on myself. I don't want that but it's undeniable that evry relation/friendship i see atm i compare to the loving/clinging phase as with my BPD gf...

[just me.]

We are together as that the last time we saw each other (we don't live together at the moment) we ended with, we are making good steps in our r/s. Other than that, i was supposed to visit her end of January but she send me an email saying that she now is certain that I lack all sense of empathy and that I don't understand her feelings and all I do is purely myself... meaning, I wasn't welcome to visit her. But we did still speak afterwards. However, other than that ... we never spoke about our r/s after that.

But we are still in contact (a little) and I still am fixing some of her debt issues currently by calling debt collection agencies and such (funnily enough this entire r/s also brought me in debt, quite severe ... )

And yeah, when we speak to each other, from both sides, that little spark flies around the corner and then hope flies around and we end every conversation on a good note ... unfortunately then I have no idea when the next conversation will arrive ...

Hey Harmkrakow,

I apologize if this is a little bit too far on the 'advice' end of the 'advice'-'support' spectrum, but here goes:

It sounds like you probably really need to cut the cord on this relationship.  It seems like you are stuck in some purgatory in which you are always in the first day of detachment over and over and over again.  What exactly are you holding out hope for in terms of this relationship?  It sounds like she is just hurting you perpetually... .  and to what end... ?  That you may be with her one more time?  For how long?  Are you hoping for this to result in marriage?  Kids?  More years of resentment?  More debt?  More long periods of her explaining to you how terrible you are?  Do you want to be on the staying and/or undecided boards for the rest of your life?

She is making you feel newly rejected day after day after day after day... .  no wonder you are miserable.  You have given the power of your self-image and your future to somebody who is willing to use that responsibility to just blame you for everything, and make you feel absolutely worthless.  It sounds like you need to take that power away from her and give it back to yourself.

You are a young man just entering the prime of your life.  You are clearly deep and introspective, and you value real connections with people.  Those are really good things.  You have a professional career path already, too?

Do you feel as though you could never get another intimate relationship with a girl again?  Is it not reasonable to think you deserve someone that is loving, sweet, AND emotionally stable?  Wouldn't that be better?  What exactly about this girl made it worth just feeling miserable all the time?

I'd suggest you take your life back.  Just end it.  Make today the last ":)ay 1" in your recover... .  let tomorrow be ":)ay 2", and make ":)ay 3" be the day after.  Mourn for a bit, but then start thinking about what could lie ahead for you.  If you don't like your job, then look into pursuing a new path.  If you don't like the idea of being alone, then start setting goals for yourself of what you can do to be ready to begin looking for someone new.

Do you exercise?  I find that lifting weights is the best therapy for me... .  it's a release, but it also helps me to feel like I'm working to improve myself - it's a way of proving to myself that I haven't given up yet.  You should find something that accomplishes something similar for you.  You have gone through something extremely difficult, but you do have the chance to emerge from it all as stronger than ever.  Don't you?

[Rose Tiger]

Some safe meds that are helpful are fish oil tabs, vita B stress complex and vitamin D.  These are really safe and do help a bit.    Eat salmon if you can, wrap in foil with a pat of butter for 22 minutes at 325 degrees.  Good brain food.