I feel like I'm in a waiting room

[struggli]

It seems I have all this spare time and I hope I get called into work early or that I have some errand to run.  But... .  nothing.  I should probably be looking for a new job since I don't really like the current one.  But what would it be?  Nothing sounds exciting.  Unless I choose "rock star" or "astronaut" or something.  So I just stay where I am.

I was very proactive at the beginning of this grieving process.  Maybe it didn't work.  My usual style in any breakup is to try and try to work things out until I feel like I have nothing left to give -- to know that I have put forth all effort imaginable, spilled my feelings 100% to the person I love, so that if she had any doubt about how much I cared for her, at least I would feel that I laid it out on the table completely.  However, with this one, I tried to retain some dignity, self-preservation, and maybe I just don't have the energy to do all that stuff I used to do.

I immediately removed all the physical signs of her -- her clothing, her books.   Rearranged my furniture a little bit.  Bought new sheets.  Blocked her number.  Etc.

Maybe I had to do this drastically and quickly because I knew that the RS was dysfunctional?

Part of me feels like I did it to preserve myself.  But the self-preservation action leaves me with doubt... .  that perhaps I closed the door too quickly without negotiation or discussion.

Then again, she was being very distant, I broke up with her via text since I hadn't seen her for several days and she hadn't bothered to call or text.  I figured she was lining up a new boyfriend or back with her ex.  Her response to my breaking up was more or less "OK".  But for a few days she tried to draw me back in with drama and requests for assistance -- not to tell me she loved me, or that the breakup was a bad idea.  No, she just needed me to help her.

I ignored her as much as it hurt, as much as I wanted to be the one she could count on, like I used to be.

That was almost 7 months ago.  All of that time I have been NC except for about 5 times I just had to say something.  About once a month she sends me something in a text msg.

I still want to believe that we had something really special.  On occasion, I see she was just never really 'there' with me.  Sometimes I think her ability to disengage without any reservation is more dissociation than splitting.  It's not that I become bad to her (although I think that happens too) but more that I just cease to exist, even if we were in the same room.  She could switch from loving and affectionate to someone with a lobotomy who seemed to treat me not differently than a stranger on the street.

I saw her yesterday.  I was driving to work and she was walking out of a restaurant we used to go to together.  At first I didn't know it was her.  It was just a gorgeous woman that caught my eye.  But, yeah, 99% sure it was her.  So maybe that's got me a little upset today.

She was mine.  Or so I thought.  A painful realization that never quite sinks in. 

But, I went on a tangent.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore.  I had hoped I had therapy today, but looked at the calendar and I don't.  My house could use some cleaning but I don't have the motivation.  I don't have motivation/passion/drive/desire for anything. 

It'll pass, right?  It's OK to feel this way for a while?

I feel guilty for it.  Like a loser.  Like life is passing me by.  But I don't have the energy to do anything about it.  Am I putting too much pressure on myself?  Or not enough?

[almostmarried]

YOU ARE NOT A LOOSER.

My  NPD/BPD ex-wife dumped and misused me  three times... .  in 1986 ,in 2001 and  a few weeks ago... .  for the last time,ever.

And I´m still alive.

Do something.Get some aggression.Do some push-ups.Run.Listen to "Eye of the tiger" at earth-shattering-volume.Cry.

YOU ARE NOT A LOOSER.

Do something.Do not stay a victim.

I know you can do it,because I suffered more than you can imagine,and I refused to stay a victim.

You can do it,too.

DO IT.

[lockedout]

You have to force yourself to do things that are helpful; and a therapist is just one small part of the healing process; and not necessarily to most effective: there's nothing wrong with you other than the hurt and emptiness. My own therapist won't even entertain the possibility that she's BPD - she's that good at putting on the charm when we got to his office, hell to pay after we left. It will seem awkward at first to start calling the friends you alienated, but you'll also be surprised; amount of time is irrelevant. You don't have to go into any long explanation, just spend some time with them. Look for support groups (I'm not sure if you were married, but you would still be welcomed at a divorce support group. Churches also do this - Celebrate Recovery has been very helpful and you don't need to be overly religious to go; Google it and you'll find locations and times. Exercise is another one that is essential to your healing. It fires up the endorphins and helps with mood and stress. Journaling is one I can't say enough about - I'm already up to 28 pages. When you put your feelings down on paper (or screen), you get to offload them and even see what they look like.

You need to leave this girl behind. She never truly loved you because in her skewed view of things, she doesn't even know what that is. Don't let her destroy or let fear of intimacy and companionship become her legacy. Just remember, it's OK not to have the energy or desire to do stuff, but the only way to overcome it is to force yourself in the beginning. The rewards of the progress will give you plenty of motivation soon enough.

[wdone]

i feel the same way... .  so much emptiness, quiet, waiting... .  

i read in "boomerang love" that a break up with a BPD is much different that with someone who isn't BPD. there's so much more pain and confusion.  it hurts.  bad. 

i am sorry you're going through this... .  

i am, too.

i think you should accept where you're at, and be gentle with yourself.  feel how you feel. feel empty, feel grief, but don't get lost in it.  i am trying to do things to push myself i.e. make a phone call to a friend, go t o the gym, while also taking time to do nothing (which is hard at his point as i want to distract), crying, being angry... .  

my friends tell me this too shall pass, but i am honestly not quite sure it will completely pass. i think i will always love him, and always be confused.  i have heard, too, it is so hard to get real closure in a BPD break up... .  

take care of yourself... .  

[seeking balance]

I know this feeling well - depressed & lost - right now I am faking it too.  I am over my BPD relationship, but I am a bit lost on what I want to do next - kinda bored really.

Do it even when you don't feel it - and it will shift.

I am looking for a new job, doing the things on my house that need done, hiking and yoga.

Right now, it doesn't feel easy, but do it anyways.  It will pass.  At least that is what I am doing.

I started rereading Road Less Traveled - good stuff, you might want to pick it up.

What I can tell you for sure is that every time you have contact with your ex, you are negating part of your progress.

[lockedout]

You can't plan for the future just yet. Worry about tomorrow after the alarm clock goes off.

Exercising, journaling, and good therapists are great things. Reconnecting with the friends you forgot you had as a piece of your identity was scraped away each day you were in the relationship will move mountains with little effort. Support groups, churches, and simply looking at the entertainment section of you local paper for your community are good sources for new friends. I have been nothing short of amazed as I've rebuilt and created connections and I attribute most of my progress to this.

The whole dream you had of the beautiful house, raising the kids in it, going to their weddings as a pillar of a loving and trusting marriage was an illusion. The relationship was designed to fail and there's nothing you could have done differently that would have made it better. Another thing: she's not thinking about you. Don't give her free rent in your head.

Don't worry about becoming that lonely old man that lives at the end of the street that chases the kids out of the yard. Could happen, but worry about that some other time. Live for the present. Take a road trip with no destination in mind, windows down (heat cranking if you're up north), radio loud. Stay up late and sleep in when you can. Flirt with the women and ask for phone numbers if you have the opportunity. Give disclosure that you're not ready to commit and  accept no guilt if they go away disappointed: you've used up your lifetime allowance of guilt and shame. Take that trip that would have driven your ex bat~ as soon as you can. And I don't mean that golf outing to Tampa with the guys from work. Rio de Janeiro is at the top of my list; a little far reaching, but a singles cruise is definitely penciled in. Newport, RI for St. Patrick's Day where I will take my drinking and debauchery seriously.

Don't wait for it to happen. Make it happen.

[really]

Hi struggling.

Right there with you mate.   faking it as well like SB. 

Right now all I can do is take it one day at a time.   This weekend am going to sit down and write a list of things I want to do for me and stick it somewhere where I see it every morning and tick them off as a to.   

[Mountaineagle]

Yeah! Faking it big time myself. I'm on vacation and the feeling is the same as ever. No energy to explore or do a lot of stuff, but I do something every day even just taking a walk. The change of scenery is nice and I think it has helped elevate my mood somewhat. I think we put a lot of pressure on us after break up to fix things, at least I have. And when I don't have the energy to constantly read about BPD, explore my feelings, write in journal, exercise, redesigning my life, fixing my flaws, etc, etc. I "crash" for some days. Its like a wave. You are probably spending massive amounts of energy right now. Whereas before you did not have the challenge of being wounded. It is easy to forget that. You have accomplished a lot!

[Tausk]

Yeah! Faking it big time myself.

Right there with you mate.   faking it as well like SB.  

I know this feeling well - depressed & lost - right now I am faking it too.

Right now, it doesn't feel easy, but do it anyways.  It will pass.  At least that is what I am doing.

Nothing wrong with faking it at times.  Remember...



FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT

which is similar to the law of attraction, the power of positive thinking, or very simply developing productive habits.  

All you guys are my heroes.  Your courage, honesty, willingness, and strength of character continue to inspire me to work on my recovery.

Keep it up, we'll make it!

[struggli]

Thanks all for the support and positive attitudes.

I just got back from vacation a couple weeks ago.  I think that vacation gave me a little boost. 

I think maybe grieving and trying to work on myself at the same time is just a little daunting at the moment. 

[wdone]

Thanks all for the support and positive attitudes.

I just got back from vacation a couple weeks ago.  I think that vacation gave me a little boost. 

I think maybe grieving and trying to work on myself at the same time is just a little daunting at the moment. 

then, just grieve. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

I still struggle as well, but some days are better than others.  I've found that the recovery process is not necessarily linear.  It may hurt like hell one day, and another day I feel great hope and forward progress.

A lot of it for me is identifying my defects of character and the patterns in my own life that kept me hanging on to a relationship that was causing pain and dysfunction.  I've found that these are patterns I've developed over my lifetime, so changing them is not an overnight matter!  Be patient and kind to yourself.