Feeling like I am abandoning her.

[Lost_husband]

Hello,

    Well since last week when our marriage counselor called me "NORMAL".  I have been wondering.  She was unable to go to the session with me due to a sick child.  Anyway since then I have been planning.  I have no where to go right now and it is not financially possible for me to leave.  I really want her to leave!   But as my counselor said... .  She will not leave because our seven bedroom Victorian house is a part of her "status" and fake personality.

     There is a great apartment above her place of work owned by her boss even... .  

    Anyway I feel like I am abandoning her?  Why is that?  I am fearful for her if she has to go out on her own.  How do I get over this.  Its bad enough I am terrified of being alone. :'(  Afraid of myself and what I will start to tell myself.  I left two years ago due to her RAGE.  I went back too soon.  I left before in haste.  This time it is a planned event.  I have thought this out since last August.   When I left before I was so lonely. 

    Even her best friend has contacted me and said she is separating herself from my wife.  This is all after I turned her on to this sight. 

   So confused.  I care about her but cant stand this roller coaster ride of a life anymore.  Where do I start?

[clashreality]

Return to yourself. If your entire role for her has been caregiver you have only enabled her. She is either an adult that is fully capable of taking care of herself when necessary OR capable of finding someone, anyone!, to take care of her.

I would look into breaking codependent behaviors/thoughts. It's what I'm doing with my ex because while I am so, so, angry about what I've dealt with from ex, this site is giving me an understanding of BPD that leads to almost too much compassion which feeds right back into my codependency traits.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=145967.0

[GreenMango]

Clashreality gave you a really good article.  Some members have printed out the 10 beliefs and read them like a bible every day til it stuck.

Lost can you continue to see a therapist (don't know if you can see the MC individually since you guys started with that person together without her consent or some kind of conflict of interest) to help with the emotional part of detaching and leaving?

I would look into posting on the Family Law Board as a preparation, too.  It's good you want to do this mindfully.  Well balanced is way better than emotionally compromised while trying to divorce.  The senior members there can give you a proper planning guide or advice.

Start rebuilding your support network and employing the tools from staying (since you have to live together for awhile) like JADE, SET, validation.

Here's the advice on how to leave: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Does that seem do-able?

[Lost_husband]

Clashreality gave you a really good article.  Some members have printed out the 10 beliefs and read them like a bible every day til it stuck.

Lost can you continue to see a therapist (don't know if you can see the MC individually since you guys started with that person together without her consent or some kind of conflict of interest) to help with the emotional part of detaching and leaving?

I would look into posting on the Family Law Board as a preparation, too.  It's good you want to do this mindfully.  Well balanced is way better than emotionally compromised while trying to divorce.  The senior members there can give you a proper planning guide or advice.

Start rebuilding your support network and employing the tools from staying (since you have to live together for awhile) like JADE, SET, validation.

Here's the advice on how to leave: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Does that seem do-able?

That does seem doable to a certain point. However one problem is... .  I have been married for almost 10 years. It seems a lot of people on here may only just been dating... .  Or had a much shorter marriage. The other problem is I have 3 children with her. So the total separation is generally impossible. Last night she agreed to a separation. And agreed to start finding a place to live. We will likely continue some sort of counseling together however I feel probably 1 more meeting and it maybe the last 1 together. I believe the marriage counselor would be able to see me individually. She seemed to have conveyed that message when she called me normal. One of her quotes from the day was " to decide to do nothing, is deciding to do something".  

   Rule #9 is a good one.  Infact all 10 rules I will have to read later.  Green thank you for your suggestion and the link.

[Cumulus]

Hi losthusband. I was over twenty five years in the marriage. Now separated over a year and a half and divorced over eight months. Children grown, but still they are your forever link to your xBPD spouse. Looking back, the most difficult parts were trying to sort out who he was and what did we have, what all went on and how was I so oblivious to it. The loneliness at times almost swallowed me into a black pit. I kept reminding myself that really I had been alone since the marriage began. I worried about him, how could he possibly survive without me. I know he has had two relationships since the separation and I actually felt better during these times, knowing he wasn't alone. But I believe he is now alone again and the concern comes creeping back. So as you can see recovering and letting go is a lengthy process and one that I have yet to see the end of. I can't help but believe that the longer the relationship lasted the longer the recovery time will be, especially if you share children.

[GreenMango]

Lost when you are in a long term relationship and there are things like kids, financial obligations, family ties etc they weigh heavily into the decision.  It's not as easy as a short term relationship.  Often times in a situation like this no contact isn't an option.  The tools from staying are good because they help to deal with the kids, any communication.  It's more about emotional detachment, practicing maturity, not buying into the dysfunction anymore while still having maintaining value boundaries.

I know I vacillated for the last year.  It wasn't that I didn't love the person it was the dysfunction was just too much and it didn't seem to be getting any better, it was getting worse.  It's a difficult decision because of the personal investments you mention.

Thinking about how you are going to handle these things is important.  You may want to look into a therapuetic separation.  It's a structured separation guides bu therapists with a timeline and goals.  Can you ask your t about it?

The other thing is you can post on more than one board.  Like a topic on the legal board on how to get your ducks in a row just in case, a topic here on how to deal with the feelings, and one on staying on how to communicate a boundary.

One thing I found really helpful was reading up and working on my boundaries.  Have you read that workshop?  

[Lost_husband]

.

One thing I found really helpful was reading up and working on my boundaries.  Have you read that workshop?  

Not yet.  But thanks for the suggestion. 

[GreenMango]

No problem that's what we are here for.  Dealing with this kind of stuff isn't easy.