Howling at the moon for this dreadful disorder

[stoic83]

I howl at the moon for this dreadful disorder and how it has affected me personally channeled through this person that I thought I was supposed to be with. I thought there was some great meaning in being with a personality disordered person, and now I realize it was not great meaning, but that I am not attracted to healthy people and that makes me sad. Hopefully I can change over time... .  

I am done mourning a relationship. I am mourning for humanity over this devastating mental illness that promotes violent/parasitic relationships and has an exponential impact on the lives of the person around the unlucky soul that has managed to acquire this disorder through some unclear combination of natural and environmental factors.

I feel bad for myself and I feel bad for all of you and i feel bad for my exwBPD. I mourn for all of us equally, because the negativity is systemic and the root of it's cause is most likely some form of human violence, some form of misuse of our innate abilities to rationalize and love one another.

It is especially and most randomly cruel that this disease of the mind manifest's itself of human beings who become it's host. It slowly takes over the persons conscious actions and behaviors during their 20s... .  and then either curdles out in to some more severe mental illness, or regresses to some major depressive disorder... .  in either case, I feel especially bad for all people affected by this illness and the violence and anger it provokes in all parties involved. This disorder seems to exacerbate all of our faults... .  the mirror becomes distorted, like I am in a fun house... .  only the mirror is showing me somebody that I don't even like any more. The mirror somehow makes our own flaws most apparent.

Is this the sheep in wolf's clothing... .  the mirror that points out our flaws so that we can fix them and find true fulfillment. Is this the universe's way of making me stronger by throwing me in to an impossible situation, chewing me up and spitting me out?

Since the meaning that I found in continuing the relationship was clearly a farce, is there some deeper meaning in this BPD funhouse?

[GreenMango]

Hey Stoic83 part of getting through this is making a decision to take active steps towards detachment.  If you look at the lessons on the leaving board over there (-----> where do you think you would place yourself on the stages.

Sometimes a plan helps.

[stoic83]

Well I've been 40 days out:

First month: anger and severe depression (after being exposed to a lot of disturbing behavior during the holidays). Started with T 30 days ago.

second month: starting to feel like myself but projecting on to friends and still having some nightmares... ruminations of her. Flashbacks... .  I am worried she is going to contact me tomorrow. Fragile, insecure, damaged?

In any case last rs/breakup i had some severe ptsd symptoms around her... .  panic attacks, flash backs, hypervigilance... .  I am pretty much trying to make sure I am fully detached. I am trying to move to more generalized feelings and take the focus off of her, but this is where I feel I most likely belong for the moment.

I have never thought a bad relationship could have such a bad impact on my psyche... .  I suppose a combination of working from home at a young age and this relationship triggering family issues for me has made detaching particularly hard as I thought that her and I were going to make it and I invested a lot of emotional energy in to this person and am searching for answers.

I am trying to detach by redirecting my empathy towards her... .  towards all people wBPD as well as all nons as well. This is a much healthier projection for my empathy that one single person... .  I feel that she sucked all the empathy out of me and I am trying to express it in a healthier way? I don't know what to tell you, but my plan is working so far. I am out 40 days, seeing a T twice a week, and posting here... .  responding and relating to some others as well.

i am sure this woe is me stuff will stop. I am trying to move off the victim triangle and I am all over the place. Not a pretty sight I am sure... .  

[GreenMango]

Empathy is always good thing.  What step are you on in the Detachment Lessons?

[stoic83]

Empathy is always good thing.  What step are you on in the Detachment Lessons?

I dont know if i am on a step.

1, 2, and 3?

What step do you think I am on. Am I stuck? I am still trying to prove myself and justify so I guess I am in between 2 and 3 and moving up to somewhere in between 3 and 4?

So i have made some progress! Right... .  ?Lol.

Stoic

[GreenMango]

I think you could be part in one stage and part in another.  I don't know if your stuck, but it's easy to get stuck by ruminating.  Ruminations are like a whirlpool.  I'd like to press you to read the individual steps you mentioned in more detail if you click on each one.  Reading them what parts do you see yourself at?

I can say this Number 4 Creative Action, even if you are at stage 1, 2, or 3, is helpful to try to start to pepper into your life a little at time.  It's like a tangible part that you see results in immediately.  Have you tried doing a few creative action things? 

[stoic83]

I think you could be part in one stage and part in another.  I don't know if your stuck, but it's easy to get stuck by ruminating.  Ruminations are like a whirlpool.  I'd like to press you to read the individual steps you mentioned in more detail if you click on each one.  Reading them what parts do you see yourself at?

I can say this Number 4 Creative Action, even if you are at stage 1, 2, or 3, is helpful to try to start to pepper into your life a little at time.  It's like a tangible part that you see results in immediately.  Have you tried doing a few creative action things? 

Yeah! Did you see my funhouse post? .

I am trying to make music again... .  the ruminations are pretty terrible. i have spent more time with this woman in the past 4 years than I have spent with any other person in the past 10... .  I don't really have a social life anymore... .  this relationship destroyed my social life. Moreover, I am toxic right now... I would not want to be my friend. I am a combination of debbie downer and some negative nancy. Severely depressed and oversensitve/anxious... .  the ruminations are not that bad right now. I mean compared to the catatonic state i was in after the 5th breakup already ruined a lot of my friendships since everybody thought I was crazy, this is nothing. i already relived all the trauma through flashbacks and got it out of my system... .  happy to say that ptsd was actually something more acute. In any case, I've had a lot of social problems in the midst of this relationship. I have made an absolute fool out of myself.

One of my good friends is an advisor to a top official in dc, he said "You nuked yourself" with this other BPD girl his brother tried to hook me up with... .  he was an esteemed friend and I thought he was going to kill me because his brother was a "persian king" and this was "his mistress" ... .  etc. Seriously, this was some odd behavior on my part... .  and i can clearly see a woman with BPD in any issues I have been having.

I do not know why these people have so much power over me. It is subconscious, and it is sick on my part

I guess it is in my family, heavily... .  that is all I can think of?

Other people on here don't seem to have the same experiences that I do with running in to these people whenever i leave the house.

The two women my friends introduced me to outside of this relationship both had BPD.

They did not know about my issues with BPD... .  actually one was my friend introducing me, and one was just my other friends roommate... .  but it almost seems like something has been set off in me... .  

I have never known about this disorder and have met 2 other women with disorder at key times when i was trying to get over this relationship, and these were at key friends' houses... .  etc.

So you can imagine how frustrating that has been... .  meeting these women at friends houses, trying to get over the rs... .  and then realizing they both have dx for BPD. Serious.

Maybe i felt like i couldn't get away from the BPD women? One of the BPD's was trying to coach me with my exwBPD and in the end tried to seduce me away... .  that's BPD on BPD crime!

So I am definitely biased and situationally this hasn't been easy for me. Of course it would make sense that both of these friends may have PDs... .  one has NPD and the other well... .  his brother works in a high office, but this guy is not a good guy.

So there is a pattern of PDs in my life and i can't seem to get away from it.

I am an eccentric guy, but harmless... .  I don't have a PD but i put up with crap behavior from people. I think I'm a co-narcissist or something... .  in any case. i can make a change, I just don't want my next move to involve someone with BPD... .  

I met this girl at a superbowl party a few weeks ago, she was cute and seemed to be sensitive and worked at a company that i thought we could help out. I go to her facebook page, bam "Im a black hole of need"... .  this is following me around and I cant handle it anymore! It almost feels like fate... .  

I need to move in different circles... .  does anyone know geographically where the lowest incidence of BPD occurs?

Because if my business fails, I will sell my car and move there. Serious. Sounds like a good plan... .  nothing holding me down here. I don't want the business to fail... .  but I do want to leave orange county.

Even my therapist thinks I should leave orange county. She knows this is not a good place for me right now. She agrees that it is a personality disordered society. She has a small bubble of friends and she loves them, but none of them form new meaningful relationships. It is a lousy place to be in my situation.

I really would like to relocate as soon as possible... .  so i am just working as hard as i can, going to therapy, posting here... .  and hopefully i will be able to move... .  at least to los angeles, that is better than here. More creativity and culture despite the shallow and narcissistic Hollywood, blah blah. Theres a lot of great things about la... .  i would spend more time there, but gas is a fortune and i don't have the ambition to drive my crappy car all over the state looking for authentic people.

Eventually i would like to move back to denver, colorado... but people are crazy there as well (shootings, etc... .  ) but at least they legalized weed so everybody can calm down.

I was thinking that meetups in the area are probably chalk full of sociopaths looking for people like me to take advantage of. Is this paranoid?

In any case. I think I am going to keep going to therapy, finish my project, and find somehow to move with a better spirtual and cultural balance, because I think I am absorbing a lot of negativity from the area i live in

[GreenMango]

Stoic so if you reread those detaching lessons in detail.  Are you leaning more heavily to any particular step?

[stoic83]

Stoic so if you reread those detaching lessons in detail.  Are you leaning more heavily to any particular step?

I'm in level 3 right now for the most part GM... .  crazy how these stages coincide with what I am going through. You could obviously see that... .  thanks for encouaging the self-awareness and self-structure and not giving me advice.

I am planning creative action at the beginning of march. I am going to create a cool marketing video and pour my creativity in to that, because the project I have been working on through this relationship is almost complete... .  and I think a well-polished video presenting our product could be a tipping point for our company.

I am also trying to make music again... .  for my own enjoyment. I told my T i had a hard time being creative with nobody around to appreciate it. I have had people tell me I am a gifted musician and I just stopped doing it within the BPD rs, because she didn't encourage it at all... .  she had no taste for what I was doing ... .  hobbies-wise, or professionally. This was a bit demotivating... .  and made me focus more on the money, than the pure joy of creativity that I long for but am not quite there yet.

This relationship really brought out the worst in me. I am creatively constipated and want to bring joy to others again through my creativity and humor... .  I am all caught up in self-analysis, and self-critical about my codependent traits and narcissistic traits. I don't want to take the personality test, because I am afraid to see the results. I don't want to be a narcissist, GM... .  I don't want to be codependent, GM. I don't want to look in the bad mirror in the fun house for too long... .  I am a bit worried about my reaction to the personal inventory... .  etc.

Regards,

Stoic

[GreenMango]

It brought out the worst in me too.

Sounds like some good moves and really fun plans.

That self awareness you are wrestling will bring hard won returns Stoic.