Leaving, Letting Go, Grieving

[sjgood]

Today is one week that I have not sent her a text or tried to make any other contact. I am actually feeling more at peace and safe. I keep hearing myself say "I am safe".I still miss her but she was not mine, ever.She acted like my girlfriend but I now see that was more because BPDs cannot be alone. So all the time she spent with me, especially on the phone, was more so that she would not feel alone.I am actually all right with that. It must be terrifying to be her, them.

I started to see a new therapist last week; an in-network one! It was the first time that tears came up and she told me I need to grieve. But I think grieving might mean I have actually let go and I am not certain I am there. She gave me some gentle words to say to JB if she did contact me but I think I am now in the "discarded" column. I still love her and wish her well and peace and the stability that she so longs to have.

I am not hurting as much as I was since I have been reading daily posts about those with BPD. It is so hard to not want to take care of her and somewhat foreign to want to take care of me.  Prayer and CODA meetings have been helping, too.

My challenge is to move the focus back to me and to keep it there. It is and has been much easier for me to focus on her crazy life. It was like watching a movie, the likes I had never seen or experienced.Really, I was swept off my feet and loved it, at first.When I think back, I can't believe I did not have more emotinal damage than I have or did. It was like a tornado came into my life and like a categry 1 hurricane left. I will love her from a distance. Thank you all for your posts. I have felt so alone over the last year and one half. After a while, I could not tell anyone what I was experiencing because, of course, their answers were simple, stop contact with her. But as you know, that is easier said than done. Happy Valentines Day, everyone.

[lockedout]

If you're doing good after a week, wait until you see how well you're doing after a month. A therapist is great,but it shouldn't be your only means to healing. Getting in touch with friends you've alienated will help you immeasurably. It shouldn't matter to your true friends why or for how long you'd lost contact. Get out and make new friends as well. I got started by going to a meditation class then moved up to a bible-based support group. When the fragility subsides don't be afraid to date: just make it clear up front that you are far from ready for serious commitment. There are women out there too who are in a similar situation. Don't give your ex the legacy of fearing intimacy and companionship. Of course you may get hurt again someday, but living in fear of it is a far greater tragedy. You don't owe the ex on bit of loyalty.

Crazy story: I've been separated now for six weeks. I have a date tomorrow night with a girl I met online. We chatted a lot then spoke on the phone the past two nights in a row for over two hours each (and I hate talking on the phone). I was wary at first, especially having someone who was looking forward to hearing from me and we quickly build a comfortable rapport; luckily we're in a similar place in life. But the moral of the story is that I feel a far deeper connection to this person I haven't even yet met than I did in 7 years with my BPDex.   

[Surnia]

sjgood

A big hug for the first week   and a 

I see you making important steps with a new T and staying with your feeling to miss her and not reaching out for her.

You may say the gentle words that gave you your T also in silence.

My challenge is to move the focus back to me and to keep it there.

Keep going with it. 

[sjgood]

Thank you for your words of encouragement.  I really appreciate it. I saw her last night in a car in front of me. What are the chances since we do not live that close to each other. I had a complete body, fear reaction, but I did nothing except continue driving where I was going.  I was happily surprised that I was able to return to feeling calm. I still miss her but every day it gets easier and I find I am not thinking about her or of her so often.

[stevenq]

Im on week 9 of NC. Sounds like u r on the right trak. I too miss my ex BPDgf. We talked and text each other everyday all day. I miss that but like u said they fear being alone. This person destroyed my self confidence. I lived in the FOG for 1 year. Im starting to feel better and thank God my friends didnt leave me. Keep going and i wish u well.

[GreenMango]

Hi sjgood welcome aboard.  You sound like you've got a good plan on place and know what is helping you.

Please keep us posted and Happy Valentines to you.

[Surnia]

I had a complete body, fear reaction, but I did nothing except continue driving where I was going.  I was happily surprised that I was able to return to feeling calm. 

This is a great picture and an important step. You had a fear reaction - which is naturally - and  you could continue driving and your fear feaded away! Wow! You are learning new ways.