I'm cracking and want to break NC

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

3.5 months ago my ex got a temporary restraining order against me and had me evicted from our apartment.  She later dropped the order as it was all lies and she knew she couldn't/didn't want to go to trial.  The only time I've seen her since was the first day in court.  She was super cold and wouldn't talk to me.  We have not spoken since the day I was evicted.  We were together for 2.5 years.

Her action was so ruthless, selfish, unnecessary and cruel.  I feel like a fool for wanting to talk to her, but the lack of closure is killing me.  Ending a relationship like this is just so far from normal.  The pain is still so intense.  Will contacting her provide any relief?  Or just more pain and heartache?  I'm so lost and sad and looking for direction.  These boards have helped me a lot through this and I thank you all for participating and trying to help us lost souls.

[ThrownAway]

3.5 months ago my ex got a temporary restraining order against me and had me evicted from our apartment.  She later dropped the order as it was all lies and she knew she couldn't/didn't want to go to trial.  The only time I've seen her since was the first day in court.  She was super cold and wouldn't talk to me.  We have not spoken since the day I was evicted.  We were together for 2.5 years.

Her action was so ruthless, selfish, unnecessary and cruel.  I feel like a fool for wanting to talk to her, but the lack of closure is killing me.  Ending a relationship like this is just so far from normal.  The pain is still so intense.  Will contacting her provide any relief?  Or just more pain and heartache?  I'm so lost and sad and looking for direction.  These boards have helped me a lot through this and I thank you all for participating and trying to help us lost souls.

[lockedout]

NO! Unless you have kids, you have no need to contact her. It will only keep you in the depths of your anxiety and depression.

My story: I tried to be the good guy after moving out. I told her I'd take our son on a Friday night so she could go out. Since my place was very strange to him, I ended up taking him back late at night. She came home after 1am while I was sleeping on the couch and made a ton of noise. She then proceeded to rip into me about how I was prioritizing everything before our son. I got up to leave, she continues until I was good and angry. She pulled the abuse card and treated me like a danger to society until I left.

Fast forward three days later. I had already picked him up from her at Wal-Mart. I texted her a little while later to tell her I needs to swing by the house to get her PJs. She said "No, I'm not there"; I said "I have a key". She then said "not any more"; the locks had been changed. I let it go and had a good afternoon with my son. Later that night, we made arrangements for me to drop him off. Since she never mentioned a destination, I assumed the house... .  

I walk up to the door with our son, knock, ring the doorbell, no answer. I text her to tell her I'm at the front door. She had decided we would do this at the same Wal-Mart as before 20 min out of both of our ways. We then agreed to a new location. While I was explaining to crying and confused toddler why I couldn't open the door and let him in is when the Mustang came down the road.

Not just down the road, but up my driveway, then into my garage as the drive opened the door with his own opener. With my son strapped in, I took a walk over. When he saw me going or something heavy so I could break the window and yank him out of the car (he wouldn't even roll down the window), he started backing out and left as I screamed obscenities at him and then threw a plastic window squeegie at his fleeing car; it made a satisfying crack as it hit his car.

She told me he was just some guy from work that came over because she didn't know what I might do. We all know that if a female co-worker asks you to go over to her house to intervene in case her estranged husband that we don't even know becomes violent we respectfully decline and tell her just to call the police. Especially if we're a married christian with two kids as she claimed. She apologize for getting mad at me for losing my temper at the guy but not for causing the situation. She would never tell me who he actually was and a peep was never mentioned about the damage I had to have done to his car.

Telling her ANYTHING about your state of mind will only be used against you. She will tell you that you are trying to manipulate her and that she doesn't have to take your "abuse" any more. At the same time she will secretly relish in the hurt she caused you; sweet revenge for ruining her life and traumatizing her. This was my point of no return.

You need to move on. Reconnect with old friends; it doesn't matter how long it's been since you alienated them. Make new ones; churches, support groups, and dating website when you're ready are a good place to start. These two alone have been nothing short of amazing. You will be surprised by friends you may think have written you off. You ill meet people who are going to love you and accept you for who you are; just dole out the details sparingly so they know you for you and not your hurts. Start a journal. Exercise. Take a trip somewhere that she would find reprehensible. 

As far as you ex goes: Elvis has left the building. She's taken enough. Don't give her any more.

[hithere]

Will contacting her provide any relief?

Doubt it, it is almost impossible to have closure with a person with BPD, they live in a different reality.

Or just more pain and heartache?

Probably, it will make it raw and recent plus you will feel guilty for breaking down.

[ThrownAway]

NO! Unless you have kids, you have no need to contact her. It will only keep you in the depths of your anxiety and depression.

You need to move on. Reconnect with old friends; it doesn't matter how long it's been since you alienated them. Make new ones; churches, support groups, and dating website when you're ready are a good place to start. These two alone have been nothing short of amazing. You will be surprised by friends you may think have written you off. You ill meet people who are going to love you and accept you for who you are; just dole out the details sparingly so they know you for you and not your hurts. Start a journal. Exercise. Take a trip somewhere that she would find reprehensible. 

As far as you ex goes: Elvis has left the building. She's taken enough. Don't give her any more.

We don't have any kids and are not married.  My friends and family have been amazing during all this, if not I surely would have cracked by now.  I have been going on dates, but it's hard when you're still in love with someone else.  Especially someone as crazy as her.  At the same time, I'm desperate to fill that void she left and hoping a new love will come along.  This isn't fair to others if I'm still too screwed up.  The problem is I don't really know as one minute I feel good and the next I'm starting threads like this. 

I don't know what she could possibly say to make it better and I honestly don't know if I would ever get back with her.  I've never felt such conflict of loving someone who hurt me so badly.  I can't imagine a normal person ever being able to face me again after doing something like this, but I have this nagging feeling that I haven't heard the last of her.  She even told me a couple months before the end that she wished we could start over and meet again online.  Could a BPD actually plan something like this?  I feel like this is making it harder to detach when I had no closure.  Also, do BPD's resist closure for this very reason?  To recycle?

[hithere]

3.5 months is not a long time, take it slow and you will bounce back!

[lockedout]

1) You don't yet have the capacity to love. But you need to start learning how to do it again starting with yourself. Forget everything you think you know and start from the beginning. You can date without being unfair as long as you are up front that you are not seeking permanence. There are plenty of women out there who aren't ready to be tied down yet either. You need to love yourself again before you can love another; only you can fill this void.

2) NOTHING she says will make you feel better. The poisonous filth that comes out of her mouth is what put you where you are. Any form of empathy on her part is the same as admitting defeat. With BPD this CANNOT happen. EVER.

3) Same with closure. She will take her resentment of you to the next guy: her new knight in shining armor. She'll tell him all about the horrible things you did to her. She will tell him how he's so much better than you. He'll fall for this and the cycle continues.

4) You are not in love with her. You are in love with the person you thought she was before she took off her mask. You saw a beautiful wedding with all your friends and family that stayed right with you through your kids' weddings. You expected her to be your soul mate that would love and accept everything about you; warts and all. Followed by being that cute little old couple holding hand and looking forward to spoiling the grandchildren. It was an illusion. Google "Stockholm syndrome" for a better understanding of what's going on. 

[Iced]

I'm another person who votes for the, "NO!" response.

What kind of closure - honest to goodness closure which (to me anyways) means a reasonable understanding of what has happened and with both parties taking their fair share of 'things gone wrong' without blaming everywhere - can you get when she is obviously still in the state that she is in?

Also, YES.  I'm not saying that pwBPD don't love, but when they do the whole, "I hate you, come back!" business, it isn't what non-BPD define as 'love' that is making them say, "Come back, I love you!"

What it IS, is FEAR.  They fear abandonment and being alone and though they may seem to have moved on to their next person they're 'madly in love with', when that breaks loose, if someone from their past is available for them to cling on to, they can and will.

As an example:

My fwBPD figuratively tossed me out into the trash after a giving me a barrage of verbal abuse and then quite promptly moved on to their next 'best friend'... .  and quite promptly came running BACK to me (or tried to anyways; couldn't because I had broken all contact and though I had to keep some of my old contact info because of my work, I never once responded back) when that friend concluded that they were unstable and needed help.

Currently, I am being stalked by this former fwBPD and trust me, it's not fun, and I struggle, still, with what I perceive to be their 'irrational decision'.

If I really hurt them that badly (which is what they said I did - that basically, everything I had done had been wrong and hurtful etc), then why in the world would they want to retain contact in the first place?

-I- know I wouldn't!

But they did and do and try to... .  and for what reason?

To try and reel me/us/you back in when their next person is unavailable or is unwilling to put up with what they dish out.

In order to not be alone and abandoned, they will recycle and though 'love' may be involved in wanting to get back together, fear of abandonment is probably more likely.

[GustheDog]

Contacting her will provide relief if, by relief, you mean confirmation that the insanity you just experienced with her wasn't a hallucination on your part.

You will never get closure.  You will never get an apology.  You will never get the person you thought you knew back.

I contacted my ex - a lot.  Got the same, devastating reactions each time.  After about a million attempts, I had proven to myself the truth of the above statements.  Others on this board told me what would happen - I contacted her anyway.  

The last time I had an urge to contact her, I stopped myself.  I knew what the result would be, and, even if I magically ended up reaching that person I saw back when she idealized me, what difference would it make?  That wouldn't and couldn't erase the fact that she ran me through the deepest and darkest depression of my life without an afterthought.  No, this person sucks and I don't *want* to talk to her - either part of her.

[slimmiller]

NO!

When you do its like showing them a wound that they cut into you. We want them to say, sorry, did I hurt you that bad? We just want them to admit it at least.


The normal person will do that. The BPD will reach like they want to give you comfort but what you wont see is they will reach with the knife to only cut you deeper.

Stay away. The scar will remain but at least now healing can commence.

In my case there are kids. For another 11 years and three month, then I will never again acknowledge the creature

[Surnia]

Hi TA

A lot is said here and I agree with all the NOs.

One important question is perhaps: What can you do instead of contacting her beside posting here? 

Is there anything you can do to distract you? Bring you to different thoughts than thinking about her? (Dating may be to early right now... .  )

Hang in there, it will get better. 

[sjgood]

No, I don't think there is any such thing as closure for them. I wanted that so much myself and she finally returned my outreaches a couple of weeks ago by phone. The closure I got was another almost yelling at, told I was to just listen no matter how wrong what she was assuming was. (What ended our relationship is that she assumed I had become close to a woman that she had introduced me to from the gym. I tried to explain that we were just text friends and that we met at spin class periodically as a way to get ourselves there. We are both women.)It was then that she told me that was a huge boundary for her: her friends were not allowed to become friends with her friends or someone to whom she had introduced them. So why introduce your friends to each other... .  

Also,she said she did no longer wanted the kind of relationship she had with me with me or anyone even though  she was the one that always set the terms and frequency of contact. She used to call me several times a day even from the shower and bathroom!)She did not and would not sit with me face to face to discuss her ending our relationship. She called on a Friday night while I was driving somewhere as she seemed to be as well. She had a few minutes to squeeze me in and that was it. She had a few crumbs to throw my way while she was driving.

I saw her end her prior relationship the same way. The poor guy simply didn't know for months that she had moved on. I wanted so much to contact him and let him know what was happening because it seemed like such a cruel way to treat someone, anyone. I think she needed closure with him since she dreamed about him for months and was so incomplete but she could not or would not have that with him. She needed it as much as he did but she was intent on having him suffer.I started to feel better about our relationship ending as it did after I read posts here about how they do not do closure. I remember her telling me the way she coped with a break up was to move onto to the next one.

So, no, I don't think you will feel any better and most likely you will feel worse.I think it is almost like hoping a 12 year old could help us feel better when they simply can't since 12 is still a child and they don't have the emotional skills.

[Faded]

What questions would you aske her?

What answer would you really expect from her?

What answers would you really want hear?

Contact will hurt possibly as you already hurting and if you dont hear the thing you want hear from her then that will hurt even more.


NC is so tough early, i mean soul destroying, against all my morals. The fact i needed to do it for my own health. It felt like i was kind of destroying myself and my beliefs.

The reality was that my emotions were all over the place and thats the time we can fail ourselves and believe the ex is the answer to all our prayers, will take away the pain they have dealt us. This just isnt true.

Stick with it, be strong, let your emotions have time to settle, allow yourself to breath. Time and effort will see you through this. 

[ThrownAway]

2) NOTHING she says will make you feel better. The poisonous filth that comes out of her mouth is what put you where you are. Any form of empathy on her part is the same as admitting defeat. With BPD this CANNOT happen. EVER.

Sadly I agree with this.  She showed very little empathy throughout our r/s and zero during the ending.  It's so hard to understand the empathy and defeat part, but I know it's true... .  

3.5 months is not a long time, take it slow and you will bounce back!

Thanks for the encouragement.  It hasn't been a long time but man it feels like it.

Contacting her will provide relief if, by relief, you mean confirmation that the insanity you just experienced with her wasn't a hallucination on your part.

You will never get closure.  You will never get an apology.  You will never get the person you thought you knew back.

I contacted my ex - a lot.  Got the same, devastating reactions each time.  After about a million attempts, I had proven to myself the truth of the above statements.  Others on this board told me what would happen - I contacted her anyway. 

The last time I had an urge to contact her, I stopped myself.  I knew what the result would be, and, even if I magically ended up reaching that person I saw back when she idealized me, what difference would it make?  That wouldn't and couldn't erase the fact that she ran me through the deepest and darkest depression of my life without an afterthought.  No, this person sucks and I don't *want* to talk to her - either part of her.

Sometimes I wish it were a hallucination.  I wake up in the morning and just kind of shake my head.  Accepting the lack of closure and apology is brutal, but you're right, she's shown me nothing to the contrary, sad as that is.  This has also been my deepest and darkest depression and I wish I could be more angry than sad about it.  Maybe as time passes it will shift.  She obviously doesn't give a ****, so why should I?  I guess that pretty much sums up our whole relationship   :'(

NO!

When you do its like showing them a wound that they cut into you. We want them to say, sorry, did I hurt you that bad? We just want them to admit it at least.


The normal person will do that. The BPD will reach like they want to give you comfort but what you wont see is they will reach with the knife to only cut you deeper.

Stay away. The scar will remain but at least now healing can commence.

In my case there are kids. For another 11 years and three month, then I will never again acknowledge the creature

More stuff I hate agreeing with.  She will see the weakness as something to attack and cause further pain.  My friends and family all say I dodged a bullet as she was pushing for marriage a month before this nightmare.  I was hesitant because we were having so much conflict and I couldn't understand why a couple would want to get engaged during such a time.  I guess some part of me saw what she was capable of and I wasn't quite ready to go there.  I just can't see how a normal person would act this way, makes me sick to think about why she was even pushing for marriage 

Hi TA

A lot is said here and I agree with all the NOs.

One important question is perhaps: What can you do instead of contacting her beside posting here? 

Is there anything you can do to distract you? Bring you to different thoughts than thinking about her? (Dating may be to early right now... .  )

Hang in there, it will get better. 

Thanks again for the kind words.  I am trying to stay busy, moving into a new place March 1 so that will help.  I'm still going to go out with some of these girls as so far that's been the only time I've been able to be distracted.  They don't remind me of the ex, whereas my friends and family do.  Not that they bring her up, just that those neurons are all still connected in my brain.

What questions would you aske her?

What answer would you really expect from her?

What answers would you really want hear?

Contact will hurt possibly as you already hurting and if you dont hear the thing you want hear from her then that will hurt even more.


NC is so tough early, i mean soul destroying, against all my morals. The fact i needed to do it for my own health. It felt like i was kind of destroying myself and my beliefs.

The reality was that my emotions were all over the place and thats the time we can fail ourselves and believe the ex is the answer to all our prayers, will take away the pain they have dealt us. This just isnt true.

Stick with it, be strong, let your emotions have time to settle, allow yourself to breath. Time and effort will see you through this. 

What questions would you ask her?

  -What the heck is wrong with you?

What answer would you really expect from her?

  -That I'm somehow the bad guy and owe her an apology.

What answers would you really want hear?

  -That she's sorry.  That our 2.5 years together and everything I did for her meant something.

I always felt like she was ungrateful while we were together, but I kept making excuses for her.  I cannot continue doing that.  You are all speaking the truth, unfortunately because you have experience with these people  :'( 

I appreciate all the caring, honest and helpful advice here.  That helped me to stay NC yesterday and hopefully beyond.  I will refer to this thread when I'm weak and know that you all give me strength.  Thank you to this wonderful community   

[lockedout]

... .  I dodged a bullet as she was pushing for marriage a month before this nightmare.  I was hesitant because we were having so much conflict... .  

I own a rental property with A LOT of equity. I owned it for ten years before we got married. At one point, she'd said that her name should be put on the deed since we were now married. It was never mentioned again and I'm glad I wasn't pressured into doing this: I live in a State where she has Zero rights to it. The house we have together has no equity and was bought under he pressure to get the most expensive thing we could afford: no play money left at the end of the day. My stomach was churning through the whole process of buying it. Because of this, other than making sure things are done right with regard to my son, as for the rest, the ball is in my court and money can be recovered over time.   

[GustheDog]

... .  I dodged a bullet as she was pushing for marriage a month before this nightmare.  I was hesitant because we were having so much conflict... .  

I own a rental property with A LOT of equity. I owned it for ten years before we got married. At one point, she'd said that her name should be put on the deed since we were now married. It was never mentioned again and I'm glad I wasn't pressured into doing this: I live in a State where she has Zero rights to it. The house we have together has no equity and was bought under he pressure to get the most expensive thing we could afford: no play money left at the end of the day. My stomach was churning through the whole process of buying it. Because of this, other than making sure things are done right with regard to my son, as for the rest, the ball is in my court and money can be recovered over time.   

My ex was also pushing hard for marriage almost exactly a month before she bailed. You are still in pain – so am I – but I've gotten enough of my sense of reason back to know how truly lucky I am to NOT have my assets entangled with this dangerous person.

Lockedout - I'll bet you are beyond relieved regarding your rental property. And your comment about needing to have the most expensive thing or bust, is a pretty good reflection of my experience with my ex. Lucky breaks all around.

[ThrownAway]

Ok so how do they always know?  I have a date tonight and sure enough my ex visited my online dating profile today.  This is the first time she's done that since the first couple days of the breakup, about 3.5 months ago.  In one of my earlier posts I mentioned the time she said she hoped we could start over and meet again online... .  

I've been very up and down lately, and this is only confusing matters.  I still love her and though doing better, I know I'm not healthy.  I want closure but agree with you all that it will likely only cause more pain.  I don't know if I can stay strong  :'(

[trouble11]

I've wondered this myself.  They always seem to feel the exact moment when you decide to give up and move on.  Had it happen on three separate occasions now where I was either on a first date or having a friend ... .  um ... .  spend the night for the first time.  It's uncanny.  And these times were after having no contact for weeks and/or months.

[MakeItHappen]

somehow, someway, we have to let go.

it wasn't real, yet it seemed so.

stay strong.

[lockedout]

You need to stay strong. I did that in the first weeks of my spit by going in the paper on any night I didn't have my son or was at work. Look for the activities in your community entertainment center. It may seem cheezy, but a lecture from 7-8 or a meditation class another night will not only fill in the time you would be sitting home drowning in your sorrows and fighthing the temptation to go back for more, but you will have a chance to be around other people. You may see them in passing and may not even know their names, but they neither know anything about your resent history nor are you dealing with the pretense and pressures of "dating".

I ended up going a bible study group, a meditation class, and a bible based support group. I hear from and see the people from the Bible study group regularly and not attend that church, I go to the meditation class when I can, and I still go to the support group. I still have my good days and bad days, but doing those seemingly minor things kept me out of the abyss.