Awakened

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi I'm "Kindred spirit" and I finally feel like I've arrived at a place that finally makes sense regarding my crazy, abusive father after a fifty year relationship with him that has been one heck of a roller coaster ride!  I "got" a long time ago that he was an abusive alcoholic after going through many years of therapy and Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings and continued evolving on my own for many years.  Over the last 15 years since my mother passed away I've had to completely walk away from him, for any where from a year to two years at a time.  It is only when he is out of my life that I feel like I can start to come up for air and "right myself" once again in the world.  Then I would feel guilty and let him back in and before I knew it I was sinking into a deep abyss of depression and anxiety.  It was absolutely "crazy making" dealing with him.   Dealing with someone who is "unreasonable, illogical and irrational" and has extreme anger issues of which "YOU" are the target takes a tole on you after while.

It's been three years or so without a time-out from him and I had sunken soo low I had almost given up that I would be able to pull myself up this time and out of the deep abyss I was finding myself in.  I was just plain worn out this time and couldn't seem to find the strength or energy to do so. I kept thinking "there's got to be something more to his craziness than just an abusive dry alcoholic."  At the end of last year I started noticing books on BPD everywhere I looked and started asking questions and seeking answers.  Around the holidays things came to a head and all these pieces of the puzzle started to come together and all roads were leading to the same destination.  I ran into an old family friend around the holidays who confirmed that was indeed what my father "and" her mom had! That was my confirmation and validation!  I went out and purchased the book "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" and started to read it a couple of nights ago and could not put it down.  The book could have been written about "My Father."  I kept taking in huge breaths as I tried to process what I was seeing in black and white in front of me.  It described him to a "TEE."  I knew I had finally arrived at the right destination for seeking answers and more importantly for support.  "So here I am!"

[Kindredspirit]

Hi I'm "Kindred spirit" and I finally feel like I've arrived at a place that finally makes sense regarding my crazy, abusive father after a fifty year relationship with him that has been one heck of a roller coaster ride!  I "got" a long time ago that he was an abusive alcoholic after going through many years of therapy and Adult Children of Alcoholic meetings and continued evolving on my own for many years.  Over the last 15 years since my mother passed away I've had to completely walk away from him, for any where from a year to two years at a time.  It is only when he is out of my life that I feel like I can start to come up for air and "right myself" once again in the world.  Then I would feel guilty and let him back in and before I knew it I was sinking into a deep abyss of depression and anxiety.  It was absolutely "crazy making" dealing with him.   Dealing with someone who is "unreasonable, illogical and irrational" and has extreme anger issues of which "YOU" are the target takes a tole on you after while.

It's been three years or so without a time-out from him and I had sunken soo low I had almost given up that I would be able to pull myself up this time and out of the deep abyss I was finding myself in.  I was just plain worn out this time and couldn't seem to find the strength or energy to do so. I kept thinking "there's got to be something more to his craziness than just an abusive dry alcoholic."  At the end of last year I started noticing books on BPD everywhere I looked and started asking questions and seeking answers.  Around the holidays things came to a head and all these pieces of the puzzle started to come together and all roads were leading to the same destination.  I ran into an old family friend around the holidays who confirmed that was indeed what my father "and" her mom had! That was my confirmation and validation!  I went out and purchased the book "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" and started to read it a couple of nights ago and could not put it down.  The book could have been written about "My Father."  I kept taking in huge breaths as I tried to process what I was seeing in black and white in front of me.  It described him to a "TEE."  I knew I had finally arrived at the right destination for seeking answers and more importantly for support.  "So here I am!"

[Surnia]

 

Kindredspirit

Glad you found this place and even better you found the "Family Guide" and with it at least a understanding and the bigger picture for all you had to going through with your father!

I can so relate to te relief and the feeling of validation. 

Yes, being in relationships with someone in your words "who is unreasonable, illogical and irrational and has extreme anger issues" is exhausting and causes health problems. Many members has to deal with similar things. So you are not alone.

Do you have siblings?

Please keep in touch, Kindredspirit.

Surnia

[InaMinorRole]

It's amazing how much better we feel when we realize these things:

- it's him or her who is crazy, not me

- I'm not alone

- it's not my fault

- I can't fix the other person

- I have the right to make a happy life

[Kindredspirit]

Surnia

Thanks for replying.  I do have two younger siblings who have never gone through therapy or sought to understand his behavior or the dysfunctional family dynamics.  While we can sit around and commiserate about him and our childhoods and have each other on occasion to bank things off of they really don't like talking about they're feeling much.  I am much more comfortable after all my years of therapy at discussing feelings. As my father was a high function BPD he is like what so many that others have described, very good at hiding that side of him, except to those he is closes to. The only other two who got the full effect of him are dead.

Kindredspirit


InaMinorRole

Thank you for replying.  It is great just to have a proper diagnoses of the disorder, it brings a sense of calm and peace although I am still trying to wrap my brain around it.  This is one more thing to add to his resume and it certainly ups the anti (sp?) in a big way.  It really make me wonder how many people that are labeled under the general term of "abusive alcoholic" are really BPD or bi-polar?


Kindredspirit

[Kindredspirit]

Can anyone tell me what " FM" or "OS"means located on the left column?


Kindredspirit

[Surnia]

Good to see you again, Kindredspirit! 

FM = Family member

So = Signifcant other

Here you find all the abbreviations https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0.

So your siblings are choosing on other way to deal with the past.

Here you are not alone.

I wish you all the best on your way toward healing!

[Kindredspirit]

Surnia

Thank you for the clarification.  Yes my siblings chose to try to ignore it as much as possible.  My fathers side of the family would take the gold if ":)enial" was an Olympic sport!  I'm sure there are a lot more BPD's in his family than anyone could imagine.  He comes from such a long, long, long line of dysfunction, "Rage" should be the middle name of most of the men in his family !  It makes me wonder how many people that have been diagnosed as simply "abusive alcoholics" are really BPD's?  I read soo much I can't believe that I have never come across BPD until now!  It doesn't seem to be out in main stream consciousness yet the way Bi-polar is.  Bi-polar is practically a household name but you don't hear the term BPD!

Kindredspirit

[louise 716]

Awakened,

Good morning!  As you can see by the number of posts I've made, I am new here.  I LOVE your comment about taking the gold if ":)enial" was an Olympic Sport.

My "awakening"/light bulb moment came two months ago. About 5 years ago, son married what I now think is a uBPD/narcissist.  Son is also adopting some of her ways due to being married to her and his combat PTSD.  I was talking to a social worker friend who has heard my stories from day one.  She said I should look up BPD and/or narcissism.  Like you, what I read fits DIL to a TEE! Finally! Now I know what I am dealing with.  All these years I thought I was dealing with a 20 something rational person who just needed guidance.

Dealing with "it" still won't be easy, but at least we both know what we are dealing with now. 

[Kindredspirit]

louise716

Good afternoon. "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder," here is the book that led me to this website.  I would highly recommend reading it as it will provide you with soo many answers and I'm sure you will recognize the behavior all over the pages.  My father is classic BPD/narcissistic as described in the book.  You mentioned the words "rational person,"  when I read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker is when I had a huge "light bulb" moment that what I was dealing with, was NOT a "rational" person.  I always knew he was crazy and abusive but some how I kept trying to deal with him as if he were a rational, logical and reasonable person and that I could eventually get through to him,  he would eventually "get it!"  So I kept trying different approaches and different angles to NO avail!  After reading the "Gift of Fear," I'm the one that "GOT IT" that I was dealing with someone who was NOT "rational, reasonable or logical by any stretch of the imagination.  Such relief followed after that, all though he never mentioned BPD or any other PD except for the extreme "sociopath."  He does delve into the behaviors at depth though which I'm sure would categorize BPD.  The one thing I really got from that, is, you can never be on the "same page" with an "irrational, illogical, unreasonable" person when you ARE a "rational, reasonable, logical" person yourself!  It's like hailing from two different planets speaking two different languages!  I was able to step back and "SEE" the difference after that instead of just "FEELING IT!"

It's also wonderful to find this place where I can find people that can relate and are supportive.


Kindredspirit

[louise 716]

Kindredspirit,

Thank you for pointing me in the direction of the two books.  I've started a list of books for me to investigate.

There is so much I want to learn about BPD/narcissism.  I have to set limits during the day as to how much time to devote to educating myself or I'll go nuts just thinking about the situation all day!  It seems like every page on this website has yet another interesting link to click on!

[Kindredspirit]

louise716

If you know of any other good books about it I would like to know as well.  I'm am just in the beginning stages of understanding as well.  Although I am NC with my father and can't imagine talking to him any time soon.  I have walked away from him so many other times but then I didn't have the knowledge and understanding of BPD.  This changes everything.

[louise 716]

Good Morning, Awakened,

If I find any good reads I'll let you know.  So far, it's others pointing me in the direction of the book shelf - which I appreciate!

Getting a handle on what is causing this behavior DOES change everything.  Even though the recent e mail combat PTSD son sent me was originally hurtful to me, I understand more where he was coming from at the time he wrote it and the pain he was in. Makes me more cautious to not push any of his buttons knowing he is so emotionally vulnerable, especially right now.

I must admit, as much I miss the conversations we used to have, I do not miss them coming over and the eggshells we always walk on knowing we most likely did or said something that they would find offensive - only to hear about it days or weeks later.

I of course do not know your situation and all the history, but like you said, maybe as you learn more about BPD, you will establish contact with your dad at some point in the future with different boundaries and certainly you will have a different level of understanding of who he is.  And then again, maybe after all you learn and knowing your own personal situation you will decide, nope just can't go there. Knowledge is a good thing.

[Kwamina]

You mentioned the words "rational person,"  when I read "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker is when I had a huge "light bulb" moment that what I was dealing with, was NOT a "rational" person.  I always knew he was crazy and abusive but some how I kept trying to deal with him as if he were a rational, logical and reasonable person and that I could eventually get through to him,  he would eventually "get it!"  So I kept trying different approaches and different angles to NO avail!  After reading the "Gift of Fear," I'm the one that "GOT IT" that I was dealing with someone who was NOT "rational, reasonable or logical by any stretch of the imagination.  Such relief followed after that, all though he never mentioned BPD or any other PD except for the extreme "sociopath."  He does delve into the behaviors at depth though which I'm sure would categorize BPD.  The one thing I really got from that, is, you can never be on the "same page" with an "irrational, illogical, unreasonable" person when you ARE a "rational, reasonable, logical" person yourself!  It's like hailing from two different planets speaking two different languages!  I was able to step back and "SEE" the difference after that instead of just "FEELING IT!"

Hi Kindredspirit,

I've had a very similar experience. For nearly 30 years I tried to talk with my mother in a rational way because even though she acted extremely irrationally, I still believed or hoped she was a 'normal' rational person. It was only after reading about BPD that I realized that she isn't a rational person at all. That was a very liberating moment but also very difficult because I realized that I've wasted all these years trying and hoping she would change. Now I've accepted that she probably won't ever change and that makes it easier for me to deal with her bad behavior. I've basically lowered my expectations of her, I now expect her to behave irrationally and that it won't be possible to reason with her.

[Kindredspirit]

Hi Kwamina,

I can totally relate to that feeling of, "feeling liberated and it being difficult" at the same time.  It's how I felt when I figured out a couple of weeks ago that my father fit the bill of "Borderline" to a TEE.  I felt relief at finally having a more specific diagnoses of his behavior and at the same time my last little seed of hope, maybe 2%, went swirling down the drain in front of me when I realized that ALL hope is gone FOREVER!  It's hard to wrap your brain around the finality of it!  And YES, I have wasted 30 years since I left home trying to have some sort of a relationship with him, only to put myself in emotional harms way each time.  Every encounter I have with him leaves my feeling beat up emotionally every time!  In doing so for so long I have not had the chance to heal my emotional wounds.  It's why I had to walk away for good this time and choose myself over him.  Thanks for responding, each post I read and each response helps.  It helps to know I'm in good company! 


Kindredspirit