d10 painted black now along with me

[Untouched]

Something come up the other day where I had to speak with uBPD ex regarding d10.  We rarely speak anymore and d10 is aware of this.  She happened to come in the room where I was, heard her name mentioned and asked who I was speaking to.  Without thinking, I said, "One of your favorite people".  She replied with the name of a male friend of mine that the ex is extremely jealous of, but she said it more as a question than anything else.  

D10 wanted to speak with him, but he was pretty upset and just said goodbye and hung up before d10 could reply.  He sent a text a few hours later saying, "I expect to have my heart ripped out by you.  I NEVER expected it from her.  I will NEVER forget it.  My relationship with her has just changed forever."  Since then, he refuses to take any of d10's calls or texts.  She is upset, but not falling apart.  She wants to know why he's ignoring her.  What do I say?  

I've made sure to tell her that it's not her fault.  I went as far as asking her if she would've said her best friend's name or uncle's name or grandma/grandpa if she thought her dad would be upset and she said no.  She still feels responsible somewhat.  

We seen his mother at the school after class was dismissed yesterday and d10 gave her the Valentine cards for her and grandpa.  I asked if she had heard from uBPD ex because d10 had not and she replied that he was very upset about what took place on the phone.  She continued to defend him even when I mentioned that he was ignoring d10 and how she had been upset because of this.  Still, nothing.  No support for d10 at all.  

Any advice on how to handle this?  His parents are supposed to pick d10 up for dinner tonight, but I'm concerned that she will be made to feel guilty for what happened.  Not sure if the ex will be around to go to dinner tonight or not.  

I forgot to mention that she seen the text quoted above when she texted him after he didn't answer her calls.  She was pretty upset about that.  She's now thinking that he doesn't want to be her dad anymore and that he doesn't like her.

[tog]

The reality is: you can't protect her from disappointment when it comes to anything in her life, including her dad and grandparents. I think I would say to her: "I bet you have noticed that sometimes Daddy gets really, really upset over things that seem little to other people and then he stops talking for a while. Whatever he's mad about, it is not your fault. Even if you made a mistake, you don't deserve for him to be so mad at you. Maybe give it some time and see what happens. "

[mamachelle]

Hi untouched

The only thing I would add if she is anxious is to tell her if phone text incident comes up you might try a concrete suggestion telling her,

it's really confusing huh kiddo it's ok to just say:

I'm just really confused by all this. I'm just really confused. I don't know what is going on.

And not try to defend or  explain herself if it comes up. Its similar advice I would give my DDs if a girl at school starts saying something and tries to bully her or worse accuse her of saying something about someone else. It works...

The last thing you need is for DD to inadvertently feed the drama with trying to make things better and getting accused or fighting or looking guilty or ... .  

It really is confusing and disturbing for kids in these situations. Sometimes just giving kids a little bit of concrete help in navigating conversations with difficult people helps. It has helped my DD with their BPD dad and friends with BPD traits.

I hope tonight goes ok for her.

[Untouched]

D10 seems to be doing pretty well today.  I hope it stays that way for her.  She hasn't asked to call her dad or mentioned anything about why he's mad yet.  I'm going to talk with his parents when they pick her up.  His mother is really bad about trying to smooth things over and I'm afraid that without thinking, she'll dismiss d10's feelings while trying to do this. 

[Untouched]

I talked with his parents last night and explained how this was a huge misunderstanding and that I didn't want anyone to make d10 feel guilty for something that shouldn't have been escalated to the point it is now.  Turns out, they have sided with him.  His dad told me that his wife (grandma) has many friends, but he sure hopes that none of them are her favorite.   

D10 came back from dinner and told me they had told her several times she should have picked her dad as the favorite and not my male friend.  I know I can't control what others say and do, but they did this after I had just talked with them.   So, I've decided to stop the Friday night dinner visits at least until this mess blows over.   I can't really see this getting better for a while.  UBPD ex is going to milk this for all he can.  Simply put, he loves to be the victim.

His parents were to keep d10 while I'm out of town next week with my s18, but I've made other arrangements.  I can't leave d10 to fend for herself while I'm away. 

She is a people pleaser and feels responsible to make people (esp. her dad) happy.  I've seen her give away a special gift from her grandmother to a girl at school because she wanted this girl to like her more. 

[mamachelle]

Hey untouched is DD10 in therapy?

I know it's not the answer to all things but it can help in situations like this.

My DD now 13 and 16 were increasingly blamed for things by BPDdad they had no control over as they got older. I think it's because they are dressing and acting older, hitting puberty... .  

My DD that resembled me physically got the brunt of it.

I think the Grandparents are way out of line. I would suggest, before you offcIally suspend the dinners ... .  at least try one more time to validate their feelings a la the book" I don't have to make everything all better " and see what resolution they can come to. If its even possible. What, should DD wear a scarlet letter or something?

[Rose1]

It sounds very like the dynamic with my exBPDh, his uBPDm and enabler father - always took exh's side - in fact the words "ripped my heart out" could have come straight from his mouth. The girls were always made to feel like that once we separated and it got steadily worse. To some extent, the estrangement becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as the kids slowly decide they don't need this anymore.  Therapy might help especially since it looks like your D needs to learn about boundaries. I spent a long time teaching my oldest (previous golden child) about boundaries, how to enforce them, that it wasn't her fault etc etc.

The enabling and protecting of her BPDf is now being done by his current wife - to the extent that the relationship between my D's and their father is non existent - exBPDh is very good at getting people to run around him and fire his bullets for him - just like his mother was. This goes on until they get sick of it. Then he finds someone else. Might not work like that this time as he is running out of options at 62.

Apparently it is now my D's fault they don't have a relationship with him - for years he wasn't "ready" to have a relationship and now they are "taking it out on him". You can't get past that reasoning, just minimise the damage to your kids.