Standing My Ground on Facebook

[BiancaRose]

I may have won the battle, but the war is far from over.

Quick recap: I removed my mother from my Facebook friends list because she was interfering too much, picking fights over what I should/shouldn't post or make public (as pertains to my life; I don't post things about her). She always said she would never forgive me if I unfriended her, and as it happens she refused to talk to me for about a month before making overtures towards forgiveness just before my birthday. Last weekend we went out for lunch - her, my dad, my brother & his girlfriend, my boyfriend and me. Good times were had, they brought a cake and some presents, it was all very festive and lovely.

Yesterday was my actual birthday, and the following exchange took place between me and Mommie Dearest:

MD: Happy birthday!

BR: Thanks!

MD: I'd love to post it on FB. Everybody is talking about your pictures and I can't participate. (Editorial note: I have no idea what pictures she's talking about, but I took a few snapshots at my birthday lunch & I assume she means those, though I hadn't posted them yet.)

BR: Sorry, but I think it's better for our relationship if we're not on each others' Facebooks.

MD: So no second chances? No let's try this one more time?

BR: This is what I need right now.

MD: Hmmm . . . anybody care what I need?

BR: It's your job to care what you need. You're the one who knows how. and I am the one who knows my needs, so if I don't stand up for them, i can't very well expect them to be met.

MD: What if my needs are dependent on you? Once again . . . a very small thing.

BR: Asking me to go against what I need to feel comfortable is not a very small thing.

MD: Relationships are not about one person.

BR: They are also not about ignoring my own needs to please others.

MD: Ya . . . I'll let you think about that.

No clue what she means by that last comment, if you're wondering, but she's left me alone since then. Might I add: all of this took place ON MY BIRTHDAY, so I just spent my 30th birthday listening to my mother tell me what a selfish, antisocial human being I am. More than anything, this reminds me of being a teen and telling my mother, "You never let me be happy. Any time something happy happens to me, you have to dump on it and make it stop being fun". Is that a common sentiment for anyone else?

Beyond that, I guess I have a couple of questions for people:

• Do I sound like a reasonable human being? Are the boundaries I'm setting fair and acceptable? I tend to feel somewhat terrified that in fact I am a horrible, selfish human being. I'm not used to putting my needs first.



• Any suggestions for tweaking my approach so it's more effective?



• Where do I go from here? How do I keep my resolve to maintain this boundary? How do I hold up even though she's trying to break me down?

Thanks for listening. It's been a really good birthday - flowers from my boyfriend, a really nice journal from my brother, and a party with my best friend planned for tomorrow. It's just that my birthday was good mostly in spite of my mother, and that's sad.

[redroom]

Happy birthday!   

I think that her last comment, "Ya, I'll let you think about that" was just because she really didn't have much else to say or come back at you with.  You made your point clearly and she didn't have anything else to add, and this was just her way of getting the last word in. 

I think that you handled it pretty well.  You were direct and to the point, but not rude or hostile.  It's easy to look back and say that you should have done xyz differently, but it's difficult in the moment.  It seems like you were very calm during all of this (was this spoken, or text or email?), which is good.

I have a hard time staying calm when I talk to my uBPDm.  I either get flustered, agitated, or just swept up in the moment and end up agreeing with stuff I shouldn't.  Since I can't really stay calm, my strategy is to deflect any argument.  I would have just kept my replies simple, like "Let me think about it some more" (I won't) or "Oh, it's just facebook!  You can always call me if you want to talk to me."  As soon as I can tell that there's going to be an argument, I make a point of keeping my position without arguing it.  I don't let her put me on the defensive, so to speak. 

I try to not give her reasons or too much detail, because it gives her something to argue with.  So I really like a lot of your replies ("This is what I need right now".  If you keep your replies like that, instead of going into detail, there's not much she can come back with.  So basically, keep it vague and validating if needed. 

Where do you go from here?  I'd keep this boundary if you like.  Just stay vague when she confronts you about it, and try to make it seem like it's not a big deal.  If she persists, you could add her back again after some time has passed, but hide all her posts, don't check her messages, and hide your posts and pictures from her.  Don't tell her that you're doing that, though, because it will just become something that she will try to control. 

I can understand not wanting to add her back, though, even with her blocked/hidden from everything.  She'll think that she was able to wear you down, and will expect to be able to do so in the future.  That's why I'd advise telling her that you're willing to add her only under certain conditions.  E.g.  You want to wait one year to "see how it goes".  She is not allowed to harass you via email or text.  She must remove you from her political-extremism mass email list (this is one I implemented... .    she failed). 

I was wondering about your comment that your mom told you what a selfish, antisocial human being you were.  Was it just this conversation that you posted, or did she tell you that in another conversation that day?  I ask that because just looking at the conversation you posted, you were polite, friendly, and in control.  You didn't ask for too much.  Your mom's just excessively needy.  She's trying to manipulate you.  "What if my needs are dependent on you?"  Classic BPD... .   

Also, I wanted to add that sometimes I do have trouble putting words and thoughts together, so if something didn't make 100% sense, I'm sorry!    I mean well.  :D

[P.F.Change]

To me it sounds like you handled that interaction so well!     

You kept your focus as you maintained your boundary even as your mother kept pushing. I really like the way you put the responsibility for her needs and feelings in her hands, where it belongs.

She says, "Relationships are not about one person," but that is not what she means. That was intended to manipulate you into feeling like you are selfish. In reality her underlying belief seems to be, "Relationships *should* be all about one person--me." She expects you to deny your needs to take care of hers... .  even goes so far as to flat-out say, "My needs are dependent on you."

I say, keep up the good work. It isn't healthy for your mother to need to use you for her own sense of worth and identity. Remember that it is her job to supply those things to her, not yours. You are doing an awesome job standing up for your needs and you have every right to continue doing so. It sounds like you are even remaining pretty detached. If you are worried that you will give in to continued pressure, maybe it would help you to have a boundary about not discussing fb anymore... .  if she brings it up, you can say, "I'm finished discussing this topic. Let's talk about something else."

Again, great job. Thanks for sharing how that went... .  and HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I'm glad you were able to enjoy it.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[BlueCat]

Happy Birthday!

And holy crap, you handled that like a pro! You stood your ground, didn't back down, but remained respectful the whole time. I'm in awe  

I don't think you're being unreasonable (but then, full disclosure, I no longer talk to my BPDmother at all). It's just FB. I've removed people from FB and been removed and none of us ever pitched a fit.

As for how to be more effective. That's the million dollar question (sigh). You need to do what works for you and again, I think you did fantastically. But it's very, very unlikely you'll be able to phrase it in a way that she will "get". Fixing herself is up to her, not you, so all you can do is what you're doing - keep setting boundaries and taking care of yourself and do it firmly, but politely.

I think you're doing great  

[BiancaRose]

I was wondering about your comment that your mom told you what a selfish, antisocial human being you were.  Was it just this conversation that you posted, or did she tell you that in another conversation that day?  I ask that because just looking at the conversation you posted, you were polite, friendly, and in control.  You didn't ask for too much.  Your mom's just excessively needy.  She's trying to manipulate you.  "What if my needs are dependent on you?"  Classic BPD... .   

Also, I wanted to add that sometimes I do have trouble putting words and thoughts together, so if something didn't make 100% sense, I'm sorry!    I mean well.  :D

You make great sense to me, for what it's worth! 

There was no additional conversation that day (and, btw, this was all through e-mail over the course of the day), but I felt like her comments implied that I didn't care about others' needs, wanted one-way relationships, refuse to compromise, etc. - all indicators of selfishness and unwillingness to reciprocate socially. Looking back on this particular conversation I can see how it might not come through especially clearly, but many of the things she says here echo the argument we had a month ago in which she was much more vicious and direct in calling me selfish and saying I wanted everything to be all about me. So that may make me a bit more sensitive to those nuances.

Hoping to be able to talk to her by phone later this week about some plans we have for an upcoming gathering with extended family, and keep the Facebook question entirely off the table. I think if she mentions it, I will just say "I'm finished discussing Facebook" or something similar, as P.F. Change suggested.