what he did for his son's birthday

[elemental]

-got drunk

-hung out with internet woman

-hung out with internet woman some more

-it was internet woman's birthday too, so he pitched in with some guys and bought her 5 dozen red roses

-hung up on me... .  accidentally

-hung out with internet woman some more

-got drunker


what I did on his son's birthday

-felt crap

-looked around for him found him hanging with internet woman

-felt crappier

-tried to talk to him

-got hung up on. but it was an accident

-got explained to that though he knows I trigger off internet woman and he is very sorry, he is just trying to help out those people

-felt crappier

-told internet woman happy birthday

-told him I did not feel very good and needed to go would talk to him later

-avoided him because he was being drunk and not very smart

-went on social site and saw internet woman made as her avatar 5 dozen roses with a sign on them saying who they were from

-felt numb

-wrote him message I think he is selfish and immature

-feel helpless and like crap

-is now waiting for the next explanation for why it is more important to support these people in an internet spaceship game and send 5 dozen red roses to internet woman than it is to remember I am here and feel gutted, that it's his son's birthday and I feel gutted and am trying to be stable and calm and could use a hug and some support and instead he is hanging around in an online game with someone he has hurt me over and helping send her 5 dozen red roses, which she posts on social site and knows I will see.

Ok. what do I do since I already told him I think he is selfish and immature.

And am I over reacting...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[dawnjd]

Hug your son and make his birthday happy for him! 

[skwyz1]

Find something you really, really enjoy doing all by yourself and go do it.  And don't think about him at all while you're doing it   

[elemental]

The child is not mine. Its the child he had when he cheated on me.

Then he hid the pregnancy from me until I found out from someone else when the child was a month old.

He refused to even tell me the birthday till yesterday.

Today, he said is the first birthday of his son. And I learned yesterday and I felt hurt. This is new information to me. It's like bam right in my face, a year to the day... and I was hurting and I needed support. And he was drunk and helping buy flowers for someone else.

As for his son. I have no idea if that baby saw his dad today or if they will celebrate this weekend.

I feel... I can't even begin to really say how i feel.

Point is I feel I need to tell him something about how he is handling this with me but I tried and I dont know what to do anymore. I don't know if I can even try anymore.

[patientandclear]

Oh Elemental.  So much pain in there.

I feel like you need to go back to what you need in order for the hurt to be dealt with.  No flirty connections with internet woman or other women.  The truth about what's going on with his ex. (Or whatever it is that would actually make you feel safer and better with him about these things.)  Honesty about his son and other key parts of his life.

If he isn't willing to do those things, your next step is goodbye, be well.  He may not be willing.  But wise members here often say you have to be willing to lose the r/s in order to have it on viable terms.  This doesn't appear viable to you as it stands, from what you've been saying for a good while now.

[yeeter]

Oh Elemental.  So much pain in there.

I feel like you need to go back to what you need in order for the hurt to be dealt with.  No flirty connections with internet woman or other women.  The truth about what's going on with his ex. (Or whatever it is that would actually make you feel safer and better with him about these things.)  Honesty about his son and other key parts of his life.

If he isn't willing to do those things, your next step is goodbye, be well.  He may not be willing.  But wise members here often say you have to be willing to lose the r/s in order to have it on viable terms.  This doesn't appear viable to you as it stands, from what you've been saying for a good while now.

I agree.  The state you are currently in is not healthy for yourself.  Take a step back.  Take the energy and focus off him, and instead put it on yourself.  What do YOU need to do to have an emotionally healthy life?  The relationship, with boundaries, is one part of this (and only one part)  Create a path for yourself, that doesn't depend on 'him'... .  He will make his own choices.

Hugs.  Things are obviously not what you would like. 

[123Phoebe]

And am I over reacting...

My honest opinion?  More like over-exposed, over-involved in his business to the point of feeling terrible.

Elemental, this is your relationship.  Right now, this is the state of your relationship.  If it never ever changes, is this enough for you?  Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?

How he chooses to spend his son's and internet woman's birthday is entirely his right.  It's his life.

How you choose to spend and define a day of your life is entirely up to you.  And it sounds like the way you chose to spend February 15 was detrimental to your wellbeing.

When we choose to take care of ourselves, we're doing it for us, to make our lives better.  Not to somehow get another person to come around and treat us better.  The focus of taking care of ourselves is not on them, the focus is on us.  If the natural course of life then brings someone around to want to be a part of our newfound way of living, great, and we have the option to invite them into our wonderful world or not.  Our world, I want to emphasize that.  The world that we create for ourselves.

Boundaries are essential at this juncture.  What are your boundaries?  What are your values?

A boundary might be, 'I will not engage with a person that is obviously drunk'.

A value might be, 'The wellbeing of children is super important to me; I value their happiness and that they are raised with guidance, structure, love and devotion.  Therefore, I will not date a man that chooses to spend his son's birthday, drunk'.

None of this is about getting another person to change, or to heap blame, shame and guilt upon them.  It's about getting in touch with how we want to live our lives.

The people we choose to get involved with speaks directly to who we are and our own beliefs, self worth etc... .  

There's some payoff for you within this relationship.  Do you know what it is?

[elemental]

I don't know. I guess mainly I need to keep stepping back more and think about things for my own self.

This has been a difficult process for me. I like to think that I am better off now than 6 months ago, because I understand better. As unlikely as it appears, I do have a lot more detachment than I used to.

As for what the payoff for me is, I don't actually know what to say because my mind and feelings are currently stressed and rollercoastering all over the place.

I am trying to integrate a lot of things right now that are very uncomfortable for me.

[Cardinals in Flight]

How you doin?

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you and wondering if you're doing ok!

C

[123Phoebe]

Hi Elemental

We're here for you and want to help you while you're integrating.  It's hard and it hurts going through these processes and I personally felt like I was losing it at times.  When/if this happens, it's super important to treat yourself with TLC, spoil yourself a little; treat yourself the way you wish somebody else would treat you if that's what it takes.  Teach yourself how to do it, that you're worth taking care of, because you are