What now?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am getting the silent treatment from my former lover/friend/nitemare.

We had fallen out because I unwittingly discovered he had a profile on a dating site. Upon looking at it I approached him to be honest that I had seen it and he had a kiniption fit and called me a stalker and he wasn't giving me anymore second chances (apparently I have been a ~ friend).

He refuses to talk to me. I said to someone I know that I feel like I've walked into a store to buy bread, and upon entering he is also in the store buying bread. He sees me and has a fit that Im stalking him. Even though I didn't know he was there.

What is this? does he feel guilty he was caught? It feels so weird to have someone react like that.

I also feel like I've unwittingly given him a plausible excuse to bin me, as if my uselfulness just came to an abrupt end, and he is now seeking a new supply for his emotional needs. The truth is I know so much about the dark aspects of him I think it irritates him too much to see it reflected back.

any thoughts on this? I feel sad. and defeated.

[pixiepie]

I am getting the silent treatment from my former lover/friend/nitemare.

We had fallen out because I unwittingly discovered he had a profile on a dating site. Upon looking at it I approached him to be honest that I had seen it and he had a kiniption fit and called me a stalker and he wasn't giving me anymore second chances (apparently I have been a ~ friend).

He refuses to talk to me. I said to someone I know that I feel like I've walked into a store to buy bread, and upon entering he is also in the store buying bread. He sees me and has a fit that Im stalking him. Even though I didn't know he was there.

What is this? does he feel guilty he was caught? It feels so weird to have someone react like that.

I also feel like I've unwittingly given him a plausible excuse to bin me, as if my uselfulness just came to an abrupt end, and he is now seeking a new supply for his emotional needs. The truth is I know so much about the dark aspects of him I think it irritates him too much to see it reflected back.

any thoughts on this? I feel sad. and defeated.

[1bravegirl]

This is classic distortion of the facts... In order to blindside you and take the heat off of his wrong actions.

Of course this is guilt and that's what they do... Have a fit and try to twist the facts to make us feel guilty so they don't have to.

If this is what he's made of then he's really doing you a huge service in helping you break away from this.

They are master manipulators at making us feel like WE are the problem and somehow we created this monster or had it coming...    (my personal fav... NOT!@)  But don't fall for it.

If you do then we are living a lie just like them. We have to stand up for what is right, even if it means just letting them go.  As hard as it is...   at least stick to what you know is right and don't allow him to suck you into that vortex of craziness...   stay strong and don't get caught up in the back and forth drama...

You know what you seen and he knows what he's done... that s it.

keep it simple and factual and then take it from there... .    less is more with them. take good care.

[pixiepie]

1bravegirl, thanks for this.

additional, and only the night before I had raised a topic with him around dating, and dating sites, about 5 months previous it was brought to me by a friend he was seen on one, I asked him directly if he was at the time, and he told me he was, that it was none of my business and he was only there to make friends (DUH, sure, on a DATING site... .  silly me for thinking it was dating not friendmaking).

I told him in this conversation that I had wondered was he still in touch with the people he met from there, and he said he only met one person, and they had coffee a couple of times (news to me). He has lied and cheated in the past and it left me feeling vulnerable and invalidated, I wanted to know if there was ever a point in our time together he'd ever stopped looking for a better option than me. He got angry and said he didn't owe me anything and that it was in the past. He has become a born again christian and tells me hes trying to get closer to god, that women and dating are off his dance card. So no less than 24 hours later I accidentally discover that AGAIN hes on another dating site and he has a mental at me.

He sees me as unsatisfactory as a life partner, saying I have mental problems if I want to be with someone as unhealthy as him, and now he wants a christian wife and Im not christian. Previously it was he wanted someone in a 12 step programme so I started to attend Alanon, while he was at AA. now hes not in AA at all but sporadically goes to church... .  

this is all just details I guess, but it does my head in how he makes me feel like Im too faulty to be with.

[GreenMango]

Self harming behaviors (like addiction) and BPD isn't unheard of.  Untreated addicts can be beyond selfish and irresponsible.  Then there's the dry drunk, technically not using but still of the addict mindset.  Alanon is a good thing in these circumstances.

It's okay to need support through a relationship like this.

he wasn't giving me anymore second chances (apparently I have been a ~ friend).

Second chance for what?... .  getting cheated on or put in a non-monogamous relationship unknowingly?  I hope you see this is ridiculous.

What is this? does he feel guilty he was caught? It feels so weird to have someone react like that.

Were you guys in a monogamous relationship where the discussion was had, or was it implied?  

If you can't have a decent conversation about values and needs in a rational and mutually respectful way and the other person sandbags any attempt at this it makes for a really poor relationship.  

What's going on before this that leads you to believe he's BPD (I apologize ahead I didn't get a chance to read your intro yet... .  and unfortunately this lack of honesty or ability to take responsibility isn't relegate to people with BPD)

[GreenMango]

They are master manipulators at making us feel like WE are the problem and somehow we created this monster or had it coming...  

We all play our part in perpetuating the dysfunction.  The Dysfunctional Dance can't happen without a partner.

Not all people with BPD are master manipulators. 

[pixiepie]

Hi Green Mango,

thats no problem

briefly, interpersonal relationship of 5.5 years, first 3 platonic friendship with us both in other relationships, then the last 2.5 in and out of sexual liasons, confusions, drama. I left my partner on the premise we would be together, he had been out of his engagement for 6 months at that point. didn't know he was an alcoholic, or an alcoholic in relapse, but did know he was engaged in a number of sexual intrigues between me and his fiance.

he has been diagnosed by a CBT with depression, ocd, anxiety, panic attacks, ptsd, self harm, hypervigilence, substance abuse, alcohol addiction and sex addiction. I know he engages in risky behaviours (driving on the wrong side of the road) because hes told me.

It was a friend who is a practising therapist who alerted me to the potential for BPD. I have outright asked him, he says hes not. but the traits and behaviours I've been subject to feel way too cosy.

Does that make sense?

[pixiepie]

Green Mango:

re: the second chances comment, I explain abit about that in my introduction. my version of events is we were friends, we got closer, he told me I was amazing! I fell in love with him, we shared intimacy, I left my partner, discovered he was an alcoholic and NOT who I thought he was, did my head in over it, tried to reach out to him but he deflected me with AA, it got very tense and difficult, We saw each other, slept with each other alot, I became increasingly more desperate as he yo-yo'd in and out of wanting me and not wanting me or not defining out relationship, or not saying what he wanted. It was like standing on quicksand all the time. I confided in someone, they betrayed my confidences by revealing what I told them to his family, they all had a meltdown, lied about how they knew he was sick by saying I did things I didn't do, he tried to kill himself. Apparently this whole chain of events is all my fault and this is the second chance he references.

[GreenMango]

Wow that is a lot going on.  Reads like a BPD relationship, with the added chaos of addiction.  This can really run you ragged.  The lack of getting a real commitment, bead or definition of what the rules are, where you stand, and the changing of the rules and where you stand... .  that isn't too uncommon.

Did you read How a borderline relationship evolves?  Is it pretty close to your experience?

Many partners feel a deep responsibility when a person who struggles with mental illness tries to commit suicide.  Please know this isn't your fault, its the disorder.  It's very easy for the family to want to look for a place to displace blame, it may be that you are easier than looking at him and putting responsibility there.

So there are quite a few common behaviors... .  one of which is projection.  Putting the unacceptable behavior off on others.  And from your post you asked about the "cut and run" when confronted, confronting someone who has a weak sense of self (ego) can go a lot ways usually sideways.

[pixiepie]

he became very very nasty to me, I was genuinely shocked over his dating profile given he said he didn't want to date. More breathtaking was his his 'has no kids but wants them soon with the right person'. When we got together he knew I didn't want more children, I was 37 at the time and have 2 teenage boys. He cujoled me into the idea saying his mum really liked me and that he felt since meeting me he really wanted kids like he hadn't before. I folded in half. Noone had ever pressed me like that to be the mother of their children, and I was falling madly in love with him. I changed my mind and agreed to have a child and then immediately felt terribly clucky.

upon my declaration, he changed his mind, but would offer out carrots, that if I did a bunch of stuff there was a 'chance for us'. I bent over backwards to achieve what he wanted. In March last year we had an accident and he said 'lets just get pregnant' I was both terrified and escstatic. Then he asked me to take emergengcy contraception.

We had a hiatus of contact after the betrayl of confidence by my aquaintance, because I was blamed for what happened  so I didn't actually know about the suicide attempt, his family have shunned me despite my never having met them and he believed what they told him so he hated me. This is my second brush with suicide, my childrens father took his own life in 2006 so the subject is a raw one for me.

a few months later it appears that while in a mental health ward he was taken to church by the staff nurses and found god. At this juncture he emails me and 'forgives me' for my 'bad behaviour'. Nowhere in this has there been any exploration of the difficult position I was placed in. I myself became depressed after I was betrayed and missed him terribly. He dangles this 'fact' in front of me anytime I fall out of line.

So now he tells me he doesn't want children, and cruelly adds, would never want them with me. We are not in comms presently, because Im being punished for the crime of asking him to be transparent. I do think I inadvertantly handed him a set of keys to a get away vehicle hes had stashed round the back.

[pixiepie]

sorry I realise I completely didn't make my point. what upset me most was he said he wanted children soon, but has been telling me for months he doesn't want children at all. I sent him a photo of my friends new born and he replied 'ew, not my thing'. I could have understood if he'd been direct and honest and said 'I want kids, just not with you because I don't want to be with you' but theres all this bull~ dancing around the subject and hiding behind jesus' skirts rather than just being up front. Instead of saying yes I don't want to be with you he said 'how dare you look at my profile, you make me feel unsafe, you are the ONLY person who does that'.

and I felt awful.

[GreenMango]

Intimacy triggers this disorder.  So when he said you make me feel unsafe this is so true... .  he probably feels this way.  It's probably not reasonably based in reality or actual events or with perspective of his behavior.  Its the feelings equal facts things... .  it feels a certain way and it must be true and then the facts get distorted to match the feelings.  From the list of things you mentioned he was treated for and dealing with, this isn't a little case of anxiety.  Those are very serious mental illnesses with some very serious behaviors.

Hey I'd feel awful too.  It's totally hurtful to be deceived like this and have stuff twisted around.  The secret profiles, the contradictions all this ... .  a lot of the disorder doesn't really make a whole lot of sense except in a expectedly unexpected way.

How's your support right now?  Lots of us around here have/had therapists.  What about friends/family ?

[jaird]

I am getting the silent treatment from my former lover/friend/nitemare.

We had fallen out because I unwittingly discovered he had a profile on a dating site. Upon looking at it I approached him to be honest that I had seen it and he had a kiniption fit and called me a stalker and he wasn't giving me anymore second chances (apparently I have been a ~ friend).

He refuses to talk to me. I said to someone I know that I feel like I've walked into a store to buy bread, and upon entering he is also in the store buying bread. He sees me and has a fit that Im stalking him. Even though I didn't know he was there.

What is this? does he feel guilty he was caught? It feels so weird to have someone react like that.

I also feel like I've unwittingly given him a plausible excuse to bin me, as if my uselfulness just came to an abrupt end, and he is now seeking a new supply for his emotional needs. The truth is I know so much about the dark aspects of him I think it irritates him too much to see it reflected back.

any thoughts on this? I feel sad. and defeated.

My thoughts? You should be happy you are getting the silent treatment, and you should move on. This guy is no prize. The hidden dating is bad enough, but then with his multiple diagnosis's and risky behavior... .  don't you see if you are in a relationship with him that you will be part of his train wreck?

[pixiepie]

@jaird - thanks, we are not together, but Im trying to make sense of why I feel so much pain and confusion. I have felt trapped in a box of undying love for this man for 2 years, and the rational part of me knows I need to get out. I feel physical pain at the thought of it, and I miss him but I know its not good for me.

@Greenmango - thanks, the explanation does make sense but is nonetheless extremely painful to compute. I put myself second to his demands alot and I feel the anger around that building. He gets made with me for being angry with him and asserts that I have no basis on which to stand my anger, that its my head problem and my feelings and he doesn't need to know, my Alanon sponsor does. Nothing supercedes his suicide attempt, and my pain is self indulgent pitying.

It mortifies me he would feel unsafe with me when I feel so protective of him and would do anything to take care of him, and keep him safe. I feel terrible when he tells me he feels the precise opposite and when I say I feel I just can't get it right, he twists it even more by saying 'its not about getting it 'right'... work on YOURSELF'.

I feel like Im drowing in the tide all the time.

My friends dislike my relationship with him intensely saying he treats me poorly and this creates tensions because I go to them to vent when things get difficult. I can see the writing on the wall, I just haven't wanted to read it. I've never loved anyone as much as this man, his crap and mine (childhood abuse/betrayl/emotionally unavailable and abusive partners) means we are a powderkeg.

I have just started seeing a psychologist recently to address some trauma around womens health issues but feel very soon it will touch on my relationship with him. I have loving friends and family, I just need to reconcile my deep deep attachment to him and how to stop the feelings of loss.

[nolisan]

Watch the old movie "Gaslight" - that's where the term gaslighting comes from.

It is amazing how pwPD can distort our reality. Mine had me convinced "I was the one that had no interpersonal comunication skills". She would not do F2F discussion of relationship issues - would run home an send me a one sided email often calling for another "time out".

I started to buy into this. My self esteem is just returning after 4 months NC. Freinds and associates have reasurred me I have great communication skills.

[pixiepie]

nolisan - thanks

I went to visit an old lover this afternoon, he greeted me solidly at the door with delight, surprise, a hug and a kiss. We had a drink on the deck and talked, he picked me ripe tomatoes from his vines and offered me chocolate cake and a back rub. He asked for nothing and told me I was one of the nicest people he knew. It is so easy to forget when you love someone who is ~ awful to you, that other people actually value you, love you and treat you with the respect becoming of the person you really are.

[GreenMango]

Hey each of us here on leaving loved someone who wasn't a healthy choice.  We were probably not that great for them either (but that's a story for later)

Maybe just let yourself grieve for a little while.  It's okay to feel the loss over him... .  you loved him.  That won't change because any of us or your friends tell you he's bad news.  It does get easier with time and letting yourself go through the grief.

[pixiepie]

Green Mango - thanks for that

I feel grief, and sort of a suspended reality.

I went to a sports match today, I knew he was there to work but I never see him at these games or interact. Normally we text each other about the play, and a couple times I felt inclined to pick up and say something but didn't, no surprises that he didn't initiate either, he has now ignored me for 4 days solid.

Afterwards I needed to use the bathroom and we crossed each other in a stairwell. It was bright outside and coming inside with sunglasses I didn't see him initially, he said this weird, strained 'hello' and kept running, I said hi, but barely audibly because it happened so fast and I didn't have time to gather myself. I was surprised he even acknowledged me, there was noone there to see or hear, so he didn't have to impress anyone. I didn't expect a greeting either, but Im figuring it was more about him saving face for himself than it was about being barely cordial to me.

Im trying to put the moment behind me.

[GreenMango]

Those awkward moments are going to happen... .  cringe worthy.  My guess there is some shame going on with him, there's no way he hasn't had moments of clarity where he knows he behaves poorly.  Its just short lived.

Be kind to yourself.  It's good to know you have some support and a therapist too.  It will help to have someone to bounce this off.