I want to send her this one day...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I was involved with an undiagnosed BPD woman for about 2.5 months in a FwB situation (known her for about 6 years). Anyway, we broke up a few weeks ago, and she told me to find someone that deserves me, and that the next girl I meet will be very happy. I know she's going to be back someday to feed off me again, and I want to send her this letter when she does:

Dear *****,

     I've been waiting for this moment for a while, I knew you'd be back. Quite frankly, I've had a lot of time to think about what occured between us, and I want to address it.

Please, keep in mind that I don't intend to write this to make you feel bad, or to say that I hate you, because I could never do either of those things. Instead, I write this to show you that I still care, even if you don't want to believe it and paint me black.

I want you to know you're not a "btch", or a bad person, or someone inferior to me or any other human being for that matter. You are a human being. You are equal to us all. And you're also a good person. You might have done things in the past with other people, but you did those things to feel good about yourself and validate yourself. That doesn't necessarily make those actions right, but that's enough to show that you really are a good person at heart and are capable of really caring for someone else on an intimate level one day; you're just hurting inside, that's all.

In respect to what happened between us, I'm ok with it now. I'm recovering every day, and it's getting better. I know it's never going to work out between us, and I'm perfectly fine with that. But to be honest, I was so confused why you were pushing me away those many months ago. Here I am, giving you my care and love which it seemed you were giving me early on, and now I'm not receiving anything in return. To put it nicely, I was hurt, very hurt. But as time went on, and I thought about it, I realized why you did it. You did it because you started to develop feelings for me, and got scared. You didn't want me to know the real you, and that's why you pushed me away. You didn't want me to get too close, and then abandon you, and make you feel even more hollow inside; you pushed me away because you cared for me. And that's what finally let me fall asleep at night. That's what let me go about living my life again. That's what made me realize, everything will be ok. Those emotions that you were experiencing were genuine.

And I remember you telling me that I didn't think what I was experiencing with you was love, but I don't think that's the case completely. Indeed, part of that "love" was from my own self esteem issues and neediness, but part of it was also real. As things turned sour, I feel like that emotion I had about you turned into something 100% true. That's why I let you go. Otherwise, I could have chosen to play the emotionally unavailable ass again, and kept you around to fulfill my own needs of feeling loved. But I didn't, because I truly did love you at a certain point. And that's also why I never contacted you after that voicemail I left on your phone. That's why I deleted your number, your facebook, and all your text messages. I knew by me staying around you, neither of us would be able to grow and learn from this experience, and I would only be impeding on your growth.

I also knew by addressing your past, you'd push me away as far as you possibly could. You didn't want me to see the "real" you, a very hurt and afraid little girl who never got the love and attention she deserved. I do want to say thank you for even trusting me enough to tell me about your past. That in itself shows that you care, and is quite a bold and daring move on your part.

And now I also understand why you said you couldn't give me what I wanted. It's because you never got to experience that real love in the first place growing up. It must have been hard having to grow up and fend for yourself, and then being abandoned by your one true love later on in life. Even if those things happened, realize that you still deserve to feel loved, and to reciprocate that love with someone in a healthy manner.

You might also think that I'm "putting you on a pedestal" and treating you too well by saying all these things. No, I'm not. This is what respect is all about, and that is something I feel you never really got

either. I personally never felt respected by anyone growing up, and for years, I would also feel like I was a worthless person and didn't deserve better. I hated myself and my skin. I hated my race. I hated being me. And adding all of those things up, I felt hollow on the inside. I can't even quantify the number of times I've wanted to kill myself, but didn't go ahead and do it for whatever reason. Now your thoughts are your own personal business, but I can't help but wonder if you've had a similar experience as well. If you have, please realize that you DO deserve to live, and you DO deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Other people will always constantly put you down throughout your life, but realize, they are doing these things because they are projecting their own mixed emotions out on you, or they themselves aren't comfortable with themselves, and want to bring you down so they feel better about themselves. Sound familiar? And that's why I never took anything you did against me personally.


I do want to say, for you to be fighting this battle since childhood is no easy task. If anything, I really respect you for doing this. Most people would have quit a long time ago and just accepted that they were "worthless", or even taken their own lives. Instead, you've chosen to fight through it, and for that, I am ever grateful for knowing such a strong person such as yourself. Honestly, sometimes when I feel down about myself, I tell myself "What would saley do" (yes I still remember that)! I realize she would keep on fighting, and that pushes me to be the best I can be.

I'd imagine reading this, you're probably going to have a whole mix of emotions, and a few of of them being pent up anger and frustration. It's ok. Feel those emotions against me. I accept them. I understand that these emotions you're feeling are not personal; they aren't intended to necessarily hurt me, even though superficially it may seem so.

Like I have said, most people would have given up long ago. You have insight on what's going on in your head, and that's the first step. The next step is to get help. Don't do it for me, don't do it for your friends, do it for yourself. You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, you deserve to be happy with your life, and you deserve to feel, experience, and reciprocate real love. 

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Well, I think I've said what I have to say. Not to mention, my hands are kind of cramping up now from all the constant typing. =)

Take care dear.


What do you guys think?

[thehuntforidawave]

I was involved with an undiagnosed BPD woman for about 2.5 months in a FwB situation (known her for about 6 years). Anyway, we broke up a few weeks ago, and she told me to find someone that deserves me, and that the next girl I meet will be very happy. I know she's going to be back someday to feed off me again, and I want to send her this letter when she does:

Dear *****,

     I've been waiting for this moment for a while, I knew you'd be back. Quite frankly, I've had a lot of time to think about what occured between us, and I want to address it.

Please, keep in mind that I don't intend to write this to make you feel bad, or to say that I hate you, because I could never do either of those things. Instead, I write this to show you that I still care, even if you don't want to believe it and paint me black.

I want you to know you're not a "btch", or a bad person, or someone inferior to me or any other human being for that matter. You are a human being. You are equal to us all. And you're also a good person. You might have done things in the past with other people, but you did those things to feel good about yourself and validate yourself. That doesn't necessarily make those actions right, but that's enough to show that you really are a good person at heart and are capable of really caring for someone else on an intimate level one day; you're just hurting inside, that's all.

In respect to what happened between us, I'm ok with it now. I'm recovering every day, and it's getting better. I know it's never going to work out between us, and I'm perfectly fine with that. But to be honest, I was so confused why you were pushing me away those many months ago. Here I am, giving you my care and love which it seemed you were giving me early on, and now I'm not receiving anything in return. To put it nicely, I was hurt, very hurt. But as time went on, and I thought about it, I realized why you did it. You did it because you started to develop feelings for me, and got scared. You didn't want me to know the real you, and that's why you pushed me away. You didn't want me to get too close, and then abandon you, and make you feel even more hollow inside; you pushed me away because you cared for me. And that's what finally let me fall asleep at night. That's what let me go about living my life again. That's what made me realize, everything will be ok. Those emotions that you were experiencing were genuine.

And I remember you telling me that I didn't think what I was experiencing with you was love, but I don't think that's the case completely. Indeed, part of that "love" was from my own self esteem issues and neediness, but part of it was also real. As things turned sour, I feel like that emotion I had about you turned into something 100% true. That's why I let you go. Otherwise, I could have chosen to play the emotionally unavailable ass again, and kept you around to fulfill my own needs of feeling loved. But I didn't, because I truly did love you at a certain point. And that's also why I never contacted you after that voicemail I left on your phone. That's why I deleted your number, your facebook, and all your text messages. I knew by me staying around you, neither of us would be able to grow and learn from this experience, and I would only be impeding on your growth.

I also knew by addressing your past, you'd push me away as far as you possibly could. You didn't want me to see the "real" you, a very hurt and afraid little girl who never got the love and attention she deserved. I do want to say thank you for even trusting me enough to tell me about your past. That in itself shows that you care, and is quite a bold and daring move on your part.

And now I also understand why you said you couldn't give me what I wanted. It's because you never got to experience that real love in the first place growing up. It must have been hard having to grow up and fend for yourself, and then being abandoned by your one true love later on in life. Even if those things happened, realize that you still deserve to feel loved, and to reciprocate that love with someone in a healthy manner.

You might also think that I'm "putting you on a pedestal" and treating you too well by saying all these things. No, I'm not. This is what respect is all about, and that is something I feel you never really got

either. I personally never felt respected by anyone growing up, and for years, I would also feel like I was a worthless person and didn't deserve better. I hated myself and my skin. I hated my race. I hated being me. And adding all of those things up, I felt hollow on the inside. I can't even quantify the number of times I've wanted to kill myself, but didn't go ahead and do it for whatever reason. Now your thoughts are your own personal business, but I can't help but wonder if you've had a similar experience as well. If you have, please realize that you DO deserve to live, and you DO deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Other people will always constantly put you down throughout your life, but realize, they are doing these things because they are projecting their own mixed emotions out on you, or they themselves aren't comfortable with themselves, and want to bring you down so they feel better about themselves. Sound familiar? And that's why I never took anything you did against me personally.


I do want to say, for you to be fighting this battle since childhood is no easy task. If anything, I really respect you for doing this. Most people would have quit a long time ago and just accepted that they were "worthless", or even taken their own lives. Instead, you've chosen to fight through it, and for that, I am ever grateful for knowing such a strong person such as yourself. Honestly, sometimes when I feel down about myself, I tell myself "What would saley do" (yes I still remember that)! I realize she would keep on fighting, and that pushes me to be the best I can be.

I'd imagine reading this, you're probably going to have a whole mix of emotions, and a few of of them being pent up anger and frustration. It's ok. Feel those emotions against me. I accept them. I understand that these emotions you're feeling are not personal; they aren't intended to necessarily hurt me, even though superficially it may seem so.

Like I have said, most people would have given up long ago. You have insight on what's going on in your head, and that's the first step. The next step is to get help. Don't do it for me, don't do it for your friends, do it for yourself. You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, you deserve to be happy with your life, and you deserve to feel, experience, and reciprocate real love. 

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Well, I think I've said what I have to say. Not to mention, my hands are kind of cramping up now from all the constant typing. =)

Take care dear.


What do you guys think?

[wowjer]

Fabulous letter!

If you are asking an opinion, I am hoping you never have the chance to give the letter and hopefully there is enough time to NOT want to give it.

Take it from this person who has 10 years, 2 kids, and at least 4 recycles, just ride off into the night.

You wrote the letter, now burn it! Or keep it and read it a year from now. You will be happier if you never give the letter.

[Surnia]

thehuntforidawave

A great letter for yourself. It helps your own awareness. We encourage your members here to wright letters as part of detaching.

We recommend to not send the letters. Many members here made very conflicting experiences with letters that were sent. Often they went like boomerangs.

Again: Writing for yourself can be very healthy. 

[thehuntforidawave]

Fabulous letter!

If you are asking an opinion, I am hoping you never have the chance to give the letter and hopefully there is enough time to NOT want to give it.

Take it from this person who has 10 years, 2 kids, and at least 4 recycles, just ride off into the night.

You wrote the letter, now burn it! Or keep it and read it a year from now. You will be happier if you never give the letter.

Thank you for reading. Is there any reason why it'd be a bad idea to give her this?

[thehuntforidawave]

thehuntforidawave

A great letter for yourself. It helps your own awareness. We encourage your members here to wright letters as part of detaching.

We recommend to not send the letters. Many members here made very conflicting experiences with letters that were sent. Often they went like boomerangs.

Again: Writing for yourself can be very healthy. 

Thanks for taking a look Surnia. You're the second person to tell me not to send this out when she contacts me again... .  what would happen if I did?

[trouble11]

YES ... .  YES ... .  and YES,  please don't send this.  Read more here and keep reading here.  Your letter will make no sense to her.  It's makes perfect sense to you and most of us, but all she will read in this letter is ... .  I am bad.   I get that you're wanting to help her and be supportive, but I guarantee it won't read that way to her.   

[lockedout]

The letter is beautifully written. I cried while reading it. I've been out of the house for about six weeks now and this was my first time crying in about a month. I have a 30 page journal. My next journal project is to write my own version of that letter.

The problem with giving her that letter is that a BPD person cannot process the subject matter at the same level. No matter how well-intentioned, respectful, kind, factual, etc., she will still perceive it as adversarial. To her it will be perceived as a manipulative attack on her. It's sad, but I don't think any of us will ever have true closure; that would be with a person who came back and was apologetic and repentant for their role in the failure of the marriage and ready to accept its end. They just aren't wired that way.

Our only closure is to move on. Learn to love and forgive the one who hurt us and pray that they will someday find happiness and validation. Accept responsibility for our role in the failure of the relationship - not so much to beat ourselves up but to learn how not to carry the hurt into future relationships. We will experience closure when we learn to love and trust again.  

[gina louise]

I was involved with an undiagnosed BPD woman for about 2.5 months in a FwB situation (known her for about 6 years). Anyway, we broke up a few weeks ago, and she told me to find someone that deserves me, and that the next girl I meet will be very happy. I know she's going to be back someday to feed off me again, and I want to send her this letter when she does:

Dear """"",

Hi I will bite-

     I've been waiting for this moment for a while, I knew you'd be back. Quite frankly, I've had a lot of time to think about what occured between us, and I want to address it.

Ok so far so good

Please, keep in mind that I don't intend to write this to make you feel bad, or to say that I hate you, because I could never do either of those things. Instead, I write this to show you that I still care, even if you don't want to believe it and paint me black.

saying this you do understand that she might feel very bad after reading it

I want you to know you're not a "btch", or a bad person, or someone inferior to me or any other human being for that matter. You are a human being. You are equal to us all. And you're also a good person. You might have done things in the past with other people, but you did those things to feel good about yourself and validate yourself. That doesn't necessarily make those actions right, but that's enough to show that you really are a good person at heart and are capable of really caring for someone else on an intimate level one day; you're just hurting inside, that's all.

kind of a judgment-

In respect to what happened between us, I'm ok with it now. I'm recovering every day, and it's getting better. I know it's never going to work out between us, and I'm perfectly fine with that. But to be honest, I was so confused why you were pushing me away those many months ago. Here I am, giving you my care and love which it seemed you were giving me early on, and now I'm not receiving anything in return. To put it nicely, I was hurt, very hurt. But as time went on, and I thought about it, I realized why you did it. You did it because you started to develop feelings for me, and got scared. You didn't want me to know the real you, and that's why you pushed me away. You didn't want me to get too close, and then abandon you, and make you feel even more hollow inside; you pushed me away because you cared for me. And that's what finally let me fall asleep at night. That's what let me go about living my life again. That's what made me realize, everything will be ok. Those emotions that you were experiencing were genuine.

too much of you analyzing her-she will not like that at all. Nobody likes being told HOW they "supposedly feel" also slightly condescending. you are basically telling her she's a shell of a person and hollow inside. Not helpful

And I remember you telling me that I didn't think what I was experiencing with you was love, but I don't think that's the case completely. Indeed, part of that "love" was from my own self esteem issues and neediness, but part of it was also real. As things turned sour, I feel like that emotion I had about you turned into something 100% true. That's why I let you go. Otherwise, I could have chosen to play the emotionally unavailable ass again, and kept you around to fulfill my own needs of feeling loved. But I didn't, because I truly did love you at a certain point. And that's also why I never contacted you after that voicemail I left on your phone. That's why I deleted your number, your facebook, and all your text messages. I knew by me staying around you, neither of us would be able to grow and learn from this experience, and I would only be impeding on your growth.

Ok fair enough-you cut her loose, seeing no hope for the future

I also knew by addressing your past, you'd push me away as far as you possibly could. You didn't want me to see the "real" you, a very hurt and afraid little girl who never got the love and attention she deserved. I do want to say thank you for even trusting me enough to tell me about your past. That in itself shows that you care, and is quite a bold and daring move on your part.

I'd say courageous-not bold or daring

And now I also understand why you said you couldn't give me what I wanted. It's because you never got to experience that real love in the first place growing up. It must have been hard having to grow up and fend for yourself, and then being abandoned by your one true love later on in life. Even if those things happened, realize that you still deserve to feel loved, and to reciprocate that love with someone in a healthy manner.

You might also think that I'm "putting you on a pedestal" and treating you too well by saying all these things. No, I'm not. This is what respect is all about, and that is something I feel you never really got

either. I personally never felt respected by anyone growing up, and for years, I would also feel like I was a worthless person and didn't deserve better. I hated myself and my skin. I hated my race. I hated being me. And adding all of those things up, I felt hollow on the inside. I can't even quantify the number of times I've wanted to kill myself, but didn't go ahead and do it for whatever reason. Now your thoughts are your own personal business, but I can't help but wonder if you've had a similar experience as well. If you have, please realize that you DO deserve to live, and you DO deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Other people will always constantly put you down throughout your life, but realize, they are doing these things because they are projecting their own mixed emotions out on you, or they themselves aren't comfortable with themselves, and want to bring you down so they feel better about themselves. Sound familiar? And that's why I never took anything you did against me personally.

were you projecting onto her in the earlier paragraphs-when you said SHE was hollow?

But you DID take it all too personally!

I do want to say, for you to be fighting this battle since childhood is no easy task. If anything, I really respect you for doing this. Most people would have quit a long time ago and just accepted that they were "worthless", or even taken their own lives. Instead, you've chosen to fight through it, and for that, I am ever grateful for knowing such a strong person such as yourself. Honestly, sometimes when I feel down about myself, I tell myself "What would saley do" (yes I still remember that)! I realize she would keep on fighting, and that pushes me to be the best I can be.

i doubt that hinting at suicide is helpful... .  

I'd imagine reading this, you're probably going to have a whole mix of emotions, and a few of of them being pent up anger and frustration. It's ok. Feel those emotions against me. I accept them. I understand that these emotions you're feeling are not personal; they aren't intended to necessarily hurt me, even though superficially it may seem so.

More mind reading... .  nobody likes this.

Like I have said, most people would have given up long ago. You have insight on what's going on in your head, and that's the first step. The next step is to get help. Don't do it for me, don't do it for your friends, do it for yourself. You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, you deserve to be happy with your life, and you deserve to feel, experience, and reciprocate real love. 

More patronizing and condescending tone... she will not get that you mean well

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Well, I think I've said what I have to say. Not to mention, my hands are kind of cramping up now from all the constant typing. =)

Take care dear.

take off the "dear" part

What do you guys think?

There's a multitude of reasons why these letters should never be sent. One is that the person who discarded and devalued you probably cannot or will not care. You will not convince him or her of anything. Period.

keep writing but just for YOU

GL

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

We should write and must write these letters.  But they are not for them.  They are for us.  Sending this letter to her would be better spent if you changed it into some language other then English that they do not speak.  Then you would have a better idea of her capacity to understand which is limited, distorted and will always spun according to whatever state she is in the moment she opens it.  She could be elated that you are still thinking of her; but not because he sees your pain, just that they exist, the fact that is cause you pain is not understandable to them unfortunately.  My ex reported back to me she sought out her previous ex to tell them we were getting married.  I was thinking two thoughts at the same time:  1) what on earth would possess you to hurt someone like that 2) maybe she was setting some boundary and was trying to profess her loyalty to me; which was not anything I was questioning at the time so unnecessary.  Anyways the reality was he was black I was white for the time being.  that's all.   So again why add to their confusion just to make ourselves feel heard?  I get it I yearn for that 'understanding'; I grieve that it will never exist.

[RedCandle]

What is your motive for (possibly) sending this? Ask yourself that... .  

Are you hoping she will see the light? If she has BPD, she has a mental illness... .  nothing you say will get her to "see."

Are you hoping to put her in her place?

Are you hoping it motivates her to change?

[lockedout]

they should create a sticky thread for these letters. They are a summation of EVERYTHING that identifies what happened and is as close to an understanding of what went wrong

[thehuntforidawave]

Thank you everyone for the responses. I'm still trying to understand this condition well, and now I see why you guys say it would be a bad idea to send this out. I think the reason I thought she would know what I was talking about is because she seems to understand that she has personal issues of her own (she has told me things like "I have daddy issues", "I seek the validation of men", "I have emotional walls", etc). But I guess this letter would just get her even more frustrated, confused, and angry.

What a shame. All I want to do is give her a big hug and tell her that everything will be alright.

[thehuntforidawave]

YES ... .  YES ... .  and YES,  please don't send this.  Read more here and keep reading here.  Your letter will make no sense to her.  It's makes perfect sense to you and most of us, but all she will read in this letter is ... .  I am bad.   I get that you're wanting to help her and be supportive, but I guarantee it won't read that way to her.   

The hardest part about all of this is not being able to support someone who needs it so much. All I want is for her to feel good, but I see what you're saying. Thank you.

[thehuntforidawave]

The letter is beautifully written. I cried while reading it. I've been out of the house for about six weeks now and this was my first time crying in about a month. I have a 30 page journal. My next journal project is to write my own version of that letter.

The problem with giving her that letter is that a BPD person cannot process the subject matter at the same level. No matter how well-intentioned, respectful, kind, factual, etc., she will still perceive it as adversarial. To her it will be perceived as a manipulative attack on her. It's sad, but I don't think any of us will ever have true closure; that would be with a person who came back and was apologetic and repentant for their role in the failure of the marriage and ready to accept its end. They just aren't wired that way.

Our only closure is to move on. Learn to love and forgive the one who hurt us and pray that they will someday find happiness and validation. Accept responsibility for our role in the failure of the relationship - not so much to beat ourselves up but to learn how not to carry the hurt into future relationships. We will experience closure when we learn to love and trust again.  

I am touched that my letter moved you that much. Thank you so much for reading it and providing your comment. What makes me confused is that she has apologized to me before about how our relationship turned out, and she even told me that she highly respects me and that I deserve better. The unfortunate thing is that I don't know if this is her being manipulative, or if she's being genuine with me.

And please let me know when you write your own letter, I would love to read it.

[thehuntforidawave]

I was involved with an undiagnosed BPD woman for about 2.5 months in a FwB situation (known her for about 6 years). Anyway, we broke up a few weeks ago, and she told me to find someone that deserves me, and that the next girl I meet will be very happy. I know she's going to be back someday to feed off me again, and I want to send her this letter when she does:

Dear *****,

Hi I will bite-

     I've been waiting for this moment for a while, I knew you'd be back. Quite frankly, I've had a lot of time to think about what occured between us, and I want to address it.

Ok so far so good

Please, keep in mind that I don't intend to write this to make you feel bad, or to say that I hate you, because I could never do either of those things. Instead, I write this to show you that I still care, even if you don't want to believe it and paint me black.

saying this you do understand that she might feel very bad after reading it

I want you to know you're not a "btch", or a bad person, or someone inferior to me or any other human being for that matter. You are a human being. You are equal to us all. And you're also a good person. You might have done things in the past with other people, but you did those things to feel good about yourself and validate yourself. That doesn't necessarily make those actions right, but that's enough to show that you really are a good person at heart and are capable of really caring for someone else on an intimate level one day; you're just hurting inside, that's all.

kind of a judgment-

In respect to what happened between us, I'm ok with it now. I'm recovering every day, and it's getting better. I know it's never going to work out between us, and I'm perfectly fine with that. But to be honest, I was so confused why you were pushing me away those many months ago. Here I am, giving you my care and love which it seemed you were giving me early on, and now I'm not receiving anything in return. To put it nicely, I was hurt, very hurt. But as time went on, and I thought about it, I realized why you did it. You did it because you started to develop feelings for me, and got scared. You didn't want me to know the real you, and that's why you pushed me away. You didn't want me to get too close, and then abandon you, and make you feel even more hollow inside; you pushed me away because you cared for me. And that's what finally let me fall asleep at night. That's what let me go about living my life again. That's what made me realize, everything will be ok. Those emotions that you were experiencing were genuine.

too much of you analyzing her-she will not like that at all. Nobody likes being told HOW they *supposedly feel* also slightly condescending. you are basically telling her she's a shell of a person and hollow inside. Not helpful

And I remember you telling me that I didn't think what I was experiencing with you was love, but I don't think that's the case completely. Indeed, part of that "love" was from my own self esteem issues and neediness, but part of it was also real. As things turned sour, I feel like that emotion I had about you turned into something 100% true. That's why I let you go. Otherwise, I could have chosen to play the emotionally unavailable ass again, and kept you around to fulfill my own needs of feeling loved. But I didn't, because I truly did love you at a certain point. And that's also why I never contacted you after that voicemail I left on your phone. That's why I deleted your number, your facebook, and all your text messages. I knew by me staying around you, neither of us would be able to grow and learn from this experience, and I would only be impeding on your growth.

Ok fair enough-you cut her loose, seeing no hope for the future

I also knew by addressing your past, you'd push me away as far as you possibly could. You didn't want me to see the "real" you, a very hurt and afraid little girl who never got the love and attention she deserved. I do want to say thank you for even trusting me enough to tell me about your past. That in itself shows that you care, and is quite a bold and daring move on your part.

I'd say courageous-not bold or daring

And now I also understand why you said you couldn't give me what I wanted. It's because you never got to experience that real love in the first place growing up. It must have been hard having to grow up and fend for yourself, and then being abandoned by your one true love later on in life. Even if those things happened, realize that you still deserve to feel loved, and to reciprocate that love with someone in a healthy manner.

You might also think that I'm "putting you on a pedestal" and treating you too well by saying all these things. No, I'm not. This is what respect is all about, and that is something I feel you never really got

either. I personally never felt respected by anyone growing up, and for years, I would also feel like I was a worthless person and didn't deserve better. I hated myself and my skin. I hated my race. I hated being me. And adding all of those things up, I felt hollow on the inside. I can't even quantify the number of times I've wanted to kill myself, but didn't go ahead and do it for whatever reason. Now your thoughts are your own personal business, but I can't help but wonder if you've had a similar experience as well. If you have, please realize that you DO deserve to live, and you DO deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin. Other people will always constantly put you down throughout your life, but realize, they are doing these things because they are projecting their own mixed emotions out on you, or they themselves aren't comfortable with themselves, and want to bring you down so they feel better about themselves. Sound familiar? And that's why I never took anything you did against me personally.

were you projecting onto her in the earlier paragraphs-when you said SHE was hollow?

But you DID take it all too personally!

I do want to say, for you to be fighting this battle since childhood is no easy task. If anything, I really respect you for doing this. Most people would have quit a long time ago and just accepted that they were "worthless", or even taken their own lives. Instead, you've chosen to fight through it, and for that, I am ever grateful for knowing such a strong person such as yourself. Honestly, sometimes when I feel down about myself, I tell myself "What would saley do" (yes I still remember that)! I realize she would keep on fighting, and that pushes me to be the best I can be.

i doubt that hinting at suicide is helpful... .  

I'd imagine reading this, you're probably going to have a whole mix of emotions, and a few of of them being pent up anger and frustration. It's ok. Feel those emotions against me. I accept them. I understand that these emotions you're feeling are not personal; they aren't intended to necessarily hurt me, even though superficially it may seem so.

More mind reading... .  nobody likes this.

Like I have said, most people would have given up long ago. You have insight on what's going on in your head, and that's the first step. The next step is to get help. Don't do it for me, don't do it for your friends, do it for yourself. You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, you deserve to be happy with your life, and you deserve to feel, experience, and reciprocate real love. 

More patronizing and condescending tone... she will not get that you mean well

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Well, I think I've said what I have to say. Not to mention, my hands are kind of cramping up now from all the constant typing. =)

Take care dear.

take off the *dear* part

What do you guys think?

There's a multitude of reasons why these letters should never be sent. One is that the person who discarded and devalued you probably cannot or will not care. You will not convince him or her of anything. Period.

keep writing but just for YOU

GL

Thank you for the breakdown, this really helped me figure out how she would perceive the message in her mind and has me convinced I'm never going to send it.

It's very interesting that you found me projecting myself onto her, but I don't feel like I'm a hollow/empty person anymore; my intention by saying that was to tell this girl that I have felt like her before, and I eventually realized that I didn't deserve to make myself feel that way.

And you're right, I did take all of this personally in the initial moment, but time has made me realize it never was personal. At this point, all I can do is pray for her.

[thehuntforidawave]

We should write and must write these letters.  But they are not for them.  They are for us.  Sending this letter to her would be better spent if you changed it into some language other then English that they do not speak.  Then you would have a better idea of her capacity to understand which is limited, distorted and will always spun according to whatever state she is in the moment she opens it.  She could be elated that you are still thinking of her; but not because he sees your pain, just that they exist, the fact that is cause you pain is not understandable to them unfortunately.  My ex reported back to me she sought out her previous ex to tell them we were getting married.  I was thinking two thoughts at the same time:  1) what on earth would possess you to hurt someone like that 2) maybe she was setting some boundary and was trying to profess her loyalty to me; which was not anything I was questioning at the time so unnecessary.  Anyways the reality was he was black I was white for the time being.  that's all.   So again why add to their confusion just to make ourselves feel heard?  I get it I yearn for that 'understanding'; I grieve that it will never exist.

Wow. To hear something that cold-hearted almost sends shivers down my spine. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'd imagine at this point you've also been painted "black."

It's so frustrating that we can't communicate with them, and show how much we care about them. The moment they sense intimacy, they bolt in fear of being found out and abandoned.

[thehuntforidawave]

What is your motive for (possibly) sending this? Ask yourself that... .  

Are you hoping she will see the light? If she has BPD, she has a mental illness... .  nothing you say will get her to "see."

Are you hoping to put her in her place?

Are you hoping it motivates her to change?

Great point. I can tell, I want to send this because I want her to see the light and be motivated to change. I want her to be happy, and one day call me on the phone and say that she's better now. I want to see her eyes light up and that pretty smile on her face, telling me that she understands. But you're right, she's never going to understand.

[gina louise]

thehuntforidawave,

thank you for being so open minded,

I was worried breaking the letter down that you might take it badly!

I wanted you to see that to a disordered person ALL they see and translate are the buzz-words... the ones that sting, stand out, and can be misunderstood.

they don't read between the lines to FEEL the care and concern. they only pick out the critical sounding words, or phrases.

Most likely she would translate this as you saying she was a Monster, you never EVER loved her for who she was-at ALL, and what a relief it was to get away from her! She might never see the commonality between you and her.

Even if at one point she did.

That's HOW they read and hear. No joke.

It destroys communication.

You could say "the sky sure is blue" and they HEAR "The apocalypse is upon us!"

irrational.

And senseless, and painful-in the aftermath.

... .  you will be OK.

GL

[Hutsepotmetworst]

I did write my exBPDgf such a letter. I can't post it here, because it's in Dutch ;-)

I did also deliver it to her. Had no reaction of her since, but I didn't really expected that.

Just like you I would be happy if she would at a certain point in time see and understand that she's capable of losing all those fears and anxiety... .  

But yes, I can see that we cannot force that onto them, and probably delivering such a letter will paint us blacker than black 

Keep up working on yourself ! 

[real lady]

thehuntforidawave said

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Hi I was also deeply touched by your very loving letter... .  I was thinking while reading it that it might be appropriate to give to a person who was "slightly" ill but NOT for a person with BPD. The feelings of LOVE for her conflicting with your "no, not right now" stand on your relationship with her was further complicated by the above statement (just my opinion, you asked)... .  and it sounded to me that you are HOPING that she will "be ok" some day and come back... .  well, a pwBPD will SAY that they "don't have a problem" or LIE and say that a doctor told them that YOU were the one who was abusive.

We should write and must write these letters.  But they are not for them.  They are for us.  Sending this letter to her would be better spent if you changed it into some language other then English that they do not speak.  Then you would have a better idea of her capacity to understand which is limited, distorted and will always spun according to whatever state she is in the moment she opens it. 

I understand what OutsidetheHermitWalls is saying... .  and I can see that you might see his statement as cold hearted, but this is HOW WICKEDLY COLD HEARTED this mental illness really is... .  

She could be elated that you are still thinking of her; but not because he sees your pain, just that they exist, the fact that is cause you pain is not understandable to them unfortunately. 

I agree with OutsidetheHermitWalls... .  they do not, can not and may never be able to CARE ABOUT OUR PAIN, LOSS, FEELINGS, thoughts and the ways that THEY have been abusive to us... .  it is too hard for them to accept about themselves.

So again why add to their confusion just to make ourselves feel heard?  I get it I yearn for that 'understanding'; I grieve that it will never exist.

I am still living with my uBPDso... .  we have known each other 30 years. I will never be able to tell him and have him accept and work on our relationship by sharing these kind of deep feelings with him. He dysregulates. I grieve over the loss of the "love that I thought we had".

thehuntforidawave said

Wow. To hear something that cold-hearted almost sends shivers down my spine. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'd imagine at this point you've also been painted "black."

Something to think about ((thehuntforidawave)) Please read more wonderful and truthful resources on this site about BPD and their responses and perspective... it is NOT what we first think. I find also that my uBPDso would NOT respond kindly to a letter like yours, NO MATTER HOW LOVING... .  it is NOT about us, it is ALL about them... .  it is hard to wrap our heads around.

It's so frustrating that we can't communicate with them, and show how much we care about them. The moment they sense intimacy, they bolt in fear of being found out and abandoned.

YES, it is a WICKED MENTAL ILLNESS... .  the ones who care the most for them, will be hurt more than the one night stand, etc.

Lovely letter, for a non BPD person to receive and read... .  

[nolisan]

I too have frequent urges to write a letter or email - I have written many but resisted sending them.

She still owes me 5 grand that she promised to pay back before she painted me black.

I have writen that off as money well spent on a getting a PhD in dysfuntional relationships, PD`s and my own stuff.

Oh ya ... .  and there was lot`s of good sex too.

[thehuntforidawave]

thehuntforidawave,

thank you for being so open minded,

I was worried breaking the letter down that you might take it badly!

I wanted you to see that to a disordered person ALL they see and translate are the buzz-words... the ones that sting, stand out, and can be misunderstood.

they don't read between the lines to FEEL the care and concern. they only pick out the critical sounding words, or phrases.

Most likely she would translate this as you saying she was a Monster, you never EVER loved her for who she was-at ALL, and what a relief it was to get away from her! She might never see the commonality between you and her.

Even if at one point she did.

That's HOW they read and hear. No joke.

It destroys communication.

You could say *the sky sure is blue* and they HEAR "The apocalypse is upon us!"

irrational.

And senseless, and painful-in the aftermath.

... .  you will be OK.

GL

Honestly, after going through this, I feel like I can take anything from anyone. Thank you., and here's a hug right back! 

[thehuntforidawave]

I did write my exBPDgf such a letter. I can't post it here, because it's in Dutch ;-)

I did also deliver it to her. Had no reaction of her since, but I didn't really expected that.

Just like you I would be happy if she would at a certain point in time see and understand that she's capable of losing all those fears and anxiety... .  

But yes, I can see that we cannot force that onto them, and probably delivering such a letter will paint us blacker than black 

Keep up working on yourself ! 

Yeah, the best thing that anyone can do after a disaster like this is to continue and improve on oneself. It's remarkable how much they can erode your self-esteem and sense of worth.

[thehuntforidawave]

thehuntforidawave said

I hope that one day, when it's all said and done, you'll contact me and tell me that you're ok. That's all I want to know.

Hi   I was also deeply touched by your very loving letter... .  I was thinking while reading it that it might be appropriate to give to a person who was "slightly" ill but NOT for a person with BPD. The feelings of LOVE for her conflicting with your "no, not right now" stand on your relationship with her was further complicated by the above statement (just my opinion, you asked)... .  and it sounded to me that you are HOPING that she will "be ok" some day and come back... .  well, a pwBPD will SAY that they "don't have a problem" or LIE and say that a doctor told them that YOU were the one who was abusive.

We should write and must write these letters.  But they are not for them.  They are for us.  Sending this letter to her would be better spent if you changed it into some language other then English that they do not speak.  Then you would have a better idea of her capacity to understand which is limited, distorted and will always spun according to whatever state she is in the moment she opens it. 

I understand what OutsidetheHermitWalls is saying... .  and I can see that you might see his statement as cold hearted, but this is HOW WICKEDLY COLD HEARTED this mental illness really is... .  

She could be elated that you are still thinking of her; but not because he sees your pain, just that they exist, the fact that is cause you pain is not understandable to them unfortunately. 

I agree with OutsidetheHermitWalls... .  they do not, can not and may never be able to CARE ABOUT OUR PAIN, LOSS, FEELINGS, thoughts and the ways that THEY have been abusive to us... .  it is too hard for them to accept about themselves.

So again why add to their confusion just to make ourselves feel heard?  I get it I yearn for that 'understanding'; I grieve that it will never exist.

I am still living with my uBPDso... .  we have known each other 30 years. I will never be able to tell him and have him accept and work on our relationship by sharing these kind of deep feelings with him. He dysregulates. I grieve over the loss of the "love that I thought we had".

thehuntforidawave said

Wow. To hear something that cold-hearted almost sends shivers down my spine. I'm sorry that you had to go through that, and I'd imagine at this point you've also been painted "black."

Something to think about ((thehuntforidawave)) Please read more wonderful and truthful resources on this site about BPD and their responses and perspective... it is NOT what we first think. I find also that my uBPDso would NOT respond kindly to a letter like yours, NO MATTER HOW LOVING... .  it is NOT about us, it is ALL about them... .  it is hard to wrap our heads around.

It's so frustrating that we can't communicate with them, and show how much we care about them. The moment they sense intimacy, they bolt in fear of being found out and abandoned.

YES, it is a WICKED MENTAL ILLNESS... .  the ones who care the most for them, will be hurt more than the one night stand, etc.

Lovely letter, for a non BPD person to receive and read... .  

Thank you for your appreciation and thoughts. I'm sorry that you also never have received the love that you deserve from your SO. Just curious, but what makes you stick around, even after 30 years?

[thehuntforidawave]

I too have frequent urges to write a letter or email - I have written many but resisted sending them.

She still owes me 5 grand that she promised to pay back before she painted me black.

I have writen that off as money well spent on a getting a PhD in dysfuntional relationships, PD`s and my own stuff.

Oh ya ... .  and there was lot`s of good sex too.

Meh, sex isn't everything. The unfortunate part is that BPDers use it to fill an emotional void, or because they feel they deserve to be treated like an object or piece of meat, or even for control and manipulation of the other person. Regardless of which reason you pick, it perverts what sex should be used for, a tool to create intimacy and solidify an unbreakable bond between two lovers.

I will say this, the next time I ask a woman what makes up a good relationship, and she tells me "great sex", I'm running the other direction.

[real lady]

Thank you for your appreciation and thoughts. I'm sorry that you also never have received the love that you deserve from your SO. Just curious, but what makes you stick around, even after 30 years?

I didn't share my story here but have it in other threads but I HAVE felt loved from my uBPDso, I love him very much, still. We were first loves, reunited after 25 years and two marriages/divorces and it only took 6 months for me to realize WHY we broke up years ago. I had resigned from my job, relocated, divorced my son's abusive father and took my son with me to be with my first love. I am making plans to LEAVE because he told me to "get the F out of his home"... .  I feel stuck and have chosen NOT to live like THIS... .  what our relationship has become because of BPD. He is willing to do couples counseling but I am very doubtful that it will bring anything but fuel to push me farther away... .  I am taking the stand that he wants me gone, I am leaving... .  he is less threatened, he dysregulates less, I show less concern about "saving the relationship" as I feel it is gone. I have validated his feelings and have affirmed him (wonderfully intelligent, so many wonderful qualities) for who he is and he denies having "any problem". I would have no reason to send him a letter as you wrote, no matter how beautifully and lovingly written, as I know that he would "not receive it" as I had intended. Very typical of pwBPD... .  they are suffering and there is nothing that we can do to help ease or end their suffering and while we are with them, we suffer as well.

[thehuntforidawave]

Thank you for your appreciation and thoughts. I'm sorry that you also never have received the love that you deserve from your SO. Just curious, but what makes you stick around, even after 30 years?

I didn't share my story here but have it in other threads but I HAVE felt loved from my uBPDso, I love him very much, still. We were first loves, reunited after 25 years and two marriages/divorces and it only took 6 months for me to realize WHY we broke up years ago. I had resigned from my job, relocated, divorced my son's abusive father and took my son with me to be with my first love. I am making plans to LEAVE because he told me to "get the F out of his home"... .  I feel stuck and have chosen NOT to live like THIS... .  what our relationship has become because of BPD. He is willing to do couples counseling but I am very doubtful that it will bring anything but fuel to push me farther away... .  I am taking the stand that he wants me gone, I am leaving... .  he is less threatened, he dysregulates less, I show less concern about "saving the relationship" as I feel it is gone. I have validated his feelings and have affirmed him (wonderfully intelligent, so many wonderful qualities) for who he is and he denies having "any problem". I would have no reason to send him a letter as you wrote, no matter how beautifully and lovingly written, as I know that he would "not receive it" as I had intended. Very typical of pwBPD... .  they are suffering and there is nothing that we can do to help ease or end their suffering and while we are with them, we suffer as well.

What an absolute shame, I'm sorry things didn't work out. It's interesting that you validate his feelings and yet he still becomes very dysregulated, and the disease continues to progress. I wish there was something we could do for these people, but NC seems to be the best for both parties. Is he in therapy now?

I actually saw my girl today at school. I tried to keep everything non-chalant, just did some fluff talk before I got off the elevator. She told me to stop and that she wanted to talk things over with me this weekend. I just told her to text me and we'll figure it out. I think the good thing was that I literally had the mindset that I'm leaving, and I don't want to really talk to her. Now I just hope I don't take her back, because it's going to be detrimental for the both of us.