Trauma Bonds -

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello,

I am four months out of 7 week marriage with a pwBPD.  The divorce initiated quickly by her, emotionally violent, and debilitating.  This time last year, my four year friendship turned romantic,  she was pregnant (which would miscarry), I got a amazing job doubling my income, I   We honeymooned in French Chateau, (by this time the hater phase was beginning to stir so the honeymoon had moments of bliss but more often dark and distant was my new wife) .  I was in a seduction phase with a borderline and was completely oblivious.  This 'friend' actually had been the friend that game me support when i dated a borkerline for 6 weeks and barely got out with my sanity.  So the fact that she would be the same after witnessing what I went through did not compute.  I swore I would never let myself be seduced by a a pwBPD.  I was so wrong.  And the damage the second time was far more intense.  So we have had no Direct Contact but the legal process produced a lot of painful Indirect Contact.  So one one level I have had NC since Oct. 29th, 2012 on the other hand the Restraining Order just got dismissed with prejudice (meaning she can't re-file) 2 weeks ago.  Translated I am still mess; losing my job because I could not function.  This led me to ask the question what the f--k is wrong with my head.  I came upon a term called Trauma Bonding which has given me a forgiving attitude towards myself:  Below are the symptoms:

1)  When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about even though you do not want to)

Check

2)  When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain. 

Check (I sent a letter as of last week to her therapist trying to relay her actual diagnosis, framed it with good intent; in reality very stupid idea and getting back in the 'ring' with her may lead to further harm to me.  But I had watched to many U-Tube videos by BPD's describing their pain and that I wanted to make sure my ex- was going to be ok.  Despite the fact that my well-being thus far has not demonstrated to be a concern of hers.)  I rationalized it as NC because I was only contacting her therapist; but this is contact)

3) When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.

Check (see 2)

4) When you continue being a 'team' member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

Check - last four months of our relationship; but I was brain-washed at this point; we had two miscarriages which were the perfect ingredients for the "helpless stage"; I was not doing to well either having lost two babies, but my pain was no where in the equation.

5)  When you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you.


6)  When you trust people again and again who are proven unreliable.

check:  She quit her job in January 2012 because it was to stressful.  She wanted to pursue something that brought her joy; translated she never went back to work and thus the divorce settlement was advantageous to her due to are disproportion in income.

7)  When you are unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships.

check:  how could I leave someone who just lost two babies

8)  When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care;

Check:  first two weeks of texts after she left clearly demonstrated she did not have the capacity to give sh--ts about my pain of a marriage ending; it was just show me the money if you want me back

9)  When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would  cost you nothing to walk away.

Check:  but I married her and I live in a no fault state so it was going to cost me plenty

10)  When you persist in trying to convince people there is a problem and the won't listen.

Check:  I feel like Samuel Jackson in The Negotiator; just let her go; don't violate her boundaries etc.  people in general do not know what BPD is; they just consider this a failed relationship and move forward and be thankful it did not last longer.

11)  When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

yes and no; I am sure I have been less than loyal when I am letting people know her condition; but my mind is far from understanding this is a dangerous person to me and absent of a treatment miracle; will always be.

12)  Shen you are attracted to untrustworthy people.

Check:  Caught her in lies as well as misrepresentations; but I found I would make excuses for her; because she was 'depressed'.

13)  When you keep damaging secrets about exploitiation or abuse. 

I did not realize her behavior was abusive; I knew I found it 'off' sometimes a little obscure; but having experienced the negative impact of being critical in past relationships I was trying to mind my own business.

14)  When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

check:  Never a sorry only I destroyed everything.

So this all makes sense to me.  I can't see the damage.  Why?  Probably because my mother was so verbally and emotionally abusive, perfectionistic, and unfortunately beautiful, so my friends who never believe me when I described what i lived with.  My father would look at you as could you please behave for your mother so I don't have to hear it when I come home attitude.  And because I wanted my mom's approval I would continue to forgive and just try harder.  After all it was my Mom.   Don't know if this will help anybody but wanted to share.

[OutsidetheHermitWalls]

Hello,

I am four months out of 7 week marriage with a pwBPD.  The divorce initiated quickly by her, emotionally violent, and debilitating.  This time last year, my four year friendship turned romantic,  she was pregnant (which would miscarry), I got a amazing job doubling my income, I   We honeymooned in French Chateau, (by this time the hater phase was beginning to stir so the honeymoon had moments of bliss but more often dark and distant was my new wife) .  I was in a seduction phase with a borderline and was completely oblivious.  This 'friend' actually had been the friend that game me support when i dated a borkerline for 6 weeks and barely got out with my sanity.  So the fact that she would be the same after witnessing what I went through did not compute.  I swore I would never let myself be seduced by a a pwBPD.  I was so wrong.  And the damage the second time was far more intense.  So we have had no Direct Contact but the legal process produced a lot of painful Indirect Contact.  So one one level I have had NC since Oct. 29th, 2012 on the other hand the Restraining Order just got dismissed with prejudice (meaning she can't re-file) 2 weeks ago.  Translated I am still mess; losing my job because I could not function.  This led me to ask the question what the f--k is wrong with my head.  I came upon a term called Trauma Bonding which has given me a forgiving attitude towards myself:  Below are the symptoms:

1)  When you obsess about people who have hurt you and they are long gone (obsess means to be preoccupied, fantasize about, and wonder about even though you do not want to)

Check

2)  When you continue to seek contact with people whom you know will cause you further pain. 

Check (I sent a letter as of last week to her therapist trying to relay her actual diagnosis, framed it with good intent; in reality very stupid idea and getting back in the 'ring' with her may lead to further harm to me.  But I had watched to many U-Tube videos by BPD's describing their pain and that I wanted to make sure my ex- was going to be ok.  Despite the fact that my well-being thus far has not demonstrated to be a concern of hers.)  I rationalized it as NC because I was only contacting her therapist; but this is contact)

3) When you go "overboard" to help people who have been destructive to you.

Check (see 2)

4) When you continue being a 'team' member when obviously things are becoming destructive.

Check - last four months of our relationship; but I was brain-washed at this point; we had two miscarriages which were the perfect ingredients for the "helpless stage"; I was not doing to well either having lost two babies, but my pain was no where in the equation.

5)  When you continue attempts to get people to like you who are clearly using you.


6)  When you trust people again and again who are proven unreliable.

check:  She quit her job in January 2012 because it was to stressful.  She wanted to pursue something that brought her joy; translated she never went back to work and thus the divorce settlement was advantageous to her due to are disproportion in income.

7)  When you are unable to retreat from unhealthy relationships.

check:  how could I leave someone who just lost two babies

8)  When you want to be understood by those who clearly do not care;

Check:  first two weeks of texts after she left clearly demonstrated she did not have the capacity to give sh--ts about my pain of a marriage ending; it was just show me the money if you want me back

9)  When you choose to stay in conflict with others when it would  cost you nothing to walk away.

Check:  but I married her and I live in a no fault state so it was going to cost me plenty

10)  When you persist in trying to convince people there is a problem and the won't listen.

Check:  I feel like Samuel Jackson in The Negotiator; just let her go; don't violate her boundaries etc.  people in general do not know what BPD is; they just consider this a failed relationship and move forward and be thankful it did not last longer.

11)  When you are loyal to people who have betrayed you.

yes and no; I am sure I have been less than loyal when I am letting people know her condition; but my mind is far from understanding this is a dangerous person to me and absent of a treatment miracle; will always be.

12)  Shen you are attracted to untrustworthy people.

Check:  Caught her in lies as well as misrepresentations; but I found I would make excuses for her; because she was 'depressed'.

13)  When you keep damaging secrets about exploitiation or abuse. 

I did not realize her behavior was abusive; I knew I found it 'off' sometimes a little obscure; but having experienced the negative impact of being critical in past relationships I was trying to mind my own business.

14)  When you continue contact with an abuser who acknowledges no responsibility.

check:  Never a sorry only I destroyed everything.

So this all makes sense to me.  I can't see the damage.  Why?  Probably because my mother was so verbally and emotionally abusive, perfectionistic, and unfortunately beautiful, so my friends who never believe me when I described what i lived with.  My father would look at you as could you please behave for your mother so I don't have to hear it when I come home attitude.  And because I wanted my mom's approval I would continue to forgive and just try harder.  After all it was my Mom.   Don't know if this will help anybody but wanted to share.

[PrettyPlease]

  I came upon a term called Trauma Bonding

... .  [snip]

So this all makes sense to me.  I can't see the damage.  Why?  Probably because my mother was so verbally and emotionally abusive,

... .  [snip]

Don't know if this will help anybody but wanted to share.

Hi OutsidetheHermitWalls,

It sounds like a good realization, and I'm glad you posted it. A lot of the checklist matches my experience, as does my FOO parallel yours in some ways.

I went off and read about it a bit; the "Betrayal Bond" seems similar, and I read a chapter online in a book by Patrick Carnes that seems good ("The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free Of Exploitive Relationships".

I suspect many nons have trauma bonds from our relationships with pwBPD, and sometimes (maybe almost always?) there are these earlier FOO roots as well, that caused our defenses to malfunction to the point where we became traumatized.

PP