Overwhelmed and Lost

[Depression = 72% of members]

My husband and I have been dealing with my Borderline MIL since we had been dating about 6 months.  Now 6 months into marriage I feel like he's completely turned against me.

In complete honesty we have made some major strides.  She's gone from calling 6 times a day to a few times a week. She no longer shows up on our doorstep unannounced.  She rarely calls after 10pm now.  We've set up boundaries, but my husband doesn't always enforce them. But for as much as we have gained, we continue to have episodes.

Here are some memorable ones.  My Aunt (whom she did not know) died.  She got upset with me because I asked that she not come to the funeral (I can't handle her sometimes... .  ok a lot of the time).  She said, "How would you like it if I had a Christmas party and didn't invite you."

Last mothers day my brother hosted both our moms so that my MIL wouldn't feel left out.  Upon entering my brothers house with arms full of foods I proceeded past my mom toward the kitchen.  My MIL tried to intercept me but I told her I needed to put my things down first.  (In reality, I don't like hugging very much, I didn't even hug my own mother when I got there.)  That turned into a 3 day fight.

She's always upset at everything I do because I stole her baby who lived at home until he was 32.  He also suffers from extreme anxiety, has difficulty making decisions on his own, and has a hard time functioning in the adult world.  I'm so tired of him saying 'mom, I love you.'  Sometimes I think he tells her that more than he tells me that.  In fact she is still on his checking account and I am not.

At any rate my final straw came at Thanksgiving this year, just after 4 years being together.  I had to work at my part-time job so we were going to have dinner with her the Saturday after. We went to my grandparents before my shift (who live down the street, she lives an hour away).  She showed up at our house and wanted to know where we were.  My husband, feeling guilty, rushed us out before dessert so he could meet up with her.  He said he 'felt bad'.  They had talked of possibly getting together that night while I was at work (my shift started at 7).  She showed up at 4.  I got so upset I put my hand through our front door on accident.  

Now he says that I have to 'just not react' to her.  I can't accept this.  He wants me to start talking to her on the phone (she doesn't have my cell phone number and she's blocked from my facebook).  I don't know what to do.  He's threatening divorce because we can't get along.

[Kelly995]

My husband and I have been dealing with my Borderline MIL since we had been dating about 6 months.  Now 6 months into marriage I feel like he's completely turned against me.

In complete honesty we have made some major strides.  She's gone from calling 6 times a day to a few times a week. She no longer shows up on our doorstep unannounced.  She rarely calls after 10pm now.  We've set up boundaries, but my husband doesn't always enforce them. But for as much as we have gained, we continue to have episodes.

Here are some memorable ones.  My Aunt (whom she did not know) died.  She got upset with me because I asked that she not come to the funeral (I can't handle her sometimes... .  ok a lot of the time).  She said, "How would you like it if I had a Christmas party and didn't invite you."

Last mothers day my brother hosted both our moms so that my MIL wouldn't feel left out.  Upon entering my brothers house with arms full of foods I proceeded past my mom toward the kitchen.  My MIL tried to intercept me but I told her I needed to put my things down first.  (In reality, I don't like hugging very much, I didn't even hug my own mother when I got there.)  That turned into a 3 day fight.

She's always upset at everything I do because I stole her baby who lived at home until he was 32.  He also suffers from extreme anxiety, has difficulty making decisions on his own, and has a hard time functioning in the adult world.  I'm so tired of him saying 'mom, I love you.'  Sometimes I think he tells her that more than he tells me that.  In fact she is still on his checking account and I am not.

At any rate my final straw came at Thanksgiving this year, just after 4 years being together.  I had to work at my part-time job so we were going to have dinner with her the Saturday after. We went to my grandparents before my shift (who live down the street, she lives an hour away).  She showed up at our house and wanted to know where we were.  My husband, feeling guilty, rushed us out before dessert so he could meet up with her.  He said he 'felt bad'.  They had talked of possibly getting together that night while I was at work (my shift started at 7).  She showed up at 4.  I got so upset I put my hand through our front door on accident.  

Now he says that I have to 'just not react' to her.  I can't accept this.  He wants me to start talking to her on the phone (she doesn't have my cell phone number and she's blocked from my facebook).  I don't know what to do.  He's threatening divorce because we can't get along.

[somethingtolose]

Very difficult situation. I would say that you need to get your husband to learn about BPD and come up with agreed upon strategies for when those situations arise. Your husband is in an impossible situation though, if he learns healthy boundaries with his mother, she will likely terrorize the both of you and it will be very hard for him to see his mother like that. I think group therapy sessions in CBT and DBT on a regular basis along with continual learning about the disorder is probably what is needed to make things more livable. I wish I was more knowledgeable, but keep reading about the disorder it might help you react less to the inevitable episodes (I always picture them as a three year old looking for a heroin needle... .  that image helps me have some compassion and some ability to step back from the situation and not take it so personally).   

[Rockylove]

  Kelly995!  I'm glad you've found us and hope that through some discussions and readings you may find comfort and wisdom.  There are many folks here who are struggling with similar situations~~you many feel lost at the moment, but you are not alone. 

Has your MIL been diagnosed?  It sounds as though your husband has lots of experience walking on eggshells~~perhaps some co-dependency issues that keep him feeling guilty.  I'm sure it's difficult for the both of you. 

I'd encourage you to read through some of the workshops and articles in the Learning Center.  A good place to begin is to understand the nature of the illness and what you can do to keep yourself from becoming entwined in the messiness of the disorder. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=63511.0

Keep posting~~it's such a valuable tool to receive feedback from an outside perspective. 

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hi Kelly995 

So glad you found us! I can surely relate to a whole lot of your story, I too stole someone's baby! Although I'm no longer in the marriage (NOTHING to do with BPD), I remember all of those horrible moments where it seemed like I was invisible and nothing but an interloper! Especially the showing up on our doorstep, grrrrr.

There are plenty of folks here who can relate, you'll find lots of support and encouragement too.

Can you think of the most important issue to you right now? 

Again, welcome!

CiF

[Kelly995]

Thanks everyone.  I read 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' a year ago.  I also have the family guide to BPD.  I bought my husband the 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' book.  He refuses to read it and says it causes him too much stress.

I've begged to go to counseling for the last year and a half.  She says she will go but when it comes down to it she won't.

My biggest issue is I thought it was working.  I just removed myself from the situation.  He sees here weekly or biweekly when I work at night.  (I am in higher ed and teach night classes weekly).  Now he's angry and wants me to build a relationship with her. 

My level of hurt is so deep that I have a short fuse with her.  It doesn't help that she pushes and pushes and pushes.  The less I react the stronger her attacks.  Then I lose my cool and I'm the bad guy.

After posting that initial Saturday night he made me call her.  I asked what I did to her. At first she admitted that she had been horrible to me the last four years but as we continued to talk, which turned to arguing, she denied having said that.  She says I just want to get rid of them from our lives. 

She still feels she should be able to see her baby any time she wants.  She believes she should be able to call any time she wants.  She said on Saturday that I hate them.  My father in law is a saint but he doesn't get involved.  He backs up his wife.

My husband sees all this, admits to her faults, but says the solution is 'just don't react'.  The level of hurt there is so deep I can't.  I even have xanex for when I see her.

How do I rebuild a relationship with someone who treats me like garbage?  My husband and I have been talking of kids in the next few years (I'm in my early 30's) but he doesn't want to have kids with someone who can't get along with his mother.  If he can't have kids he doesn't feel we should be together.

All these issues were here before the wedding.  I made him agree that I only had to see her on holidays.  Our premarital counselor (required by church) said I have the right to say no to spending time with her and that he shouldn't get upset.  But now that he sees her more frequently (which I hate, everything I've read says distance is good) she is manipulating him again.   :'(

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hello Kelly

All of this is very intense, hurtful, frustrating and painful to you and your husband.

I don't have a lot of advice except to say, that I too had to build really strong boundaries to protect myself, you can do this too!

You can say no to seeing her, how your husband reacts to that is his problem, and how you react to him reacting to you, is entirely up to you! Geeze, that was a complicated statement... .  LOL 

Engaging people like this is often a mistake until you feel as though you have your thoughts gathered and your strength garnered!  Outside of an emergent situation, you can begin to take care of you by disengaging from your MIL's hurtful ways of relating to you.

Me, myself, and I... .  self-control is all we have, and by doing that, often times it difuses difficult situations with others in our lives.  It doesnt happen overnight, but with consistency, hopefully you'll begin to see daylight through all of this darkness!

Have a better week Kelly, and take it one day at time, just take care of you and your responses.  Let the others take care of themselves too!

CiF

[Kelly995]

My husband keeps forcing me to discuss things with her.  We had a very long conversation yesterday where I said "please tell me what I did to hurt you".  Of which case she said a bunch of things that I never did intentionally (like once I walked away when she was talking to me, but in reality I was moving food from the grill to the table for dinner).  I asked what I can do different and she cannot answer.  I asked her what I did to make her treat me badly... .  she couldn't answer.  Then during the conversation she slipped and said "I can't help it that some girl walked into my sons life and took him away from me".  *ding ding ding*.  As we already knew she blames me for her son growing up and moving on.

I asked her if she could stop saying things like "The last time I saw you... .  " and asked her to stop saying to her son "You don't love me" or "If you loved me you would... .  ". 

I tried to set goals and reaffirm boundaries.  After 2 hours my husband said "Ok so can you both summarize what we talked about?"  She said "That all we can do is love each other and move on."  She couldn't articulate any of the boundaries or requests I had.  I am a firm believer that if you keep doing the same thing and expecting different results you will get the same results; ie fighting.

we are going round in ciricles.  She says he never has time for her and never sees her.  (But he sees her weekly).  She says we are always trying to push her away but we are only establishing boundaries.

It is obvious that the responsibility for change falls on me.  But how do I ignore her attacks?  The more I ignore the more she push push pushes until she finds that spot.  I'm always at a simmer around her and frankly it doesn't take much to boil over.

How do I get over 4 years of hurt ?  How do I get over being treated poorly because of something I cannot control?  How can I articulate to my husband that I don't want to spend time with her?  He is insisting that I do.  The only reason we have had peace the last 4 months is because I removed myself from the situation.  After this weekend I'm the onne left hurting.  I cannot sleep.  I feel physically ill and I'm not able to stomach food.  Meanwhile he has the day off and is spending the entire day with her today.  It feels like she won... .  again. I feel like by being around her I'm putting myself in a harmful situation.  I feel like she is emotionally abusive.  If anyone else acted like this to me, I would stop associating with them.  I feel powerless because I cannot stand up for myself and disassociate with her like my husband said I could before we were married.

 

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'm sorry Kelly, this sounds really really hard.

The next time your husband asks you to talk with his mother? In your own words say something like "honey, you know how much I love you, but talking to your mother right now isn't good for me, it makes me feel bad, and I'd rather not do that until I feel better in doing so"  Then stop discussing that subject.  That is just my suggestion.  In saying so, you are making it about you and not saying anything in regards to his mother that could cause further distress to the both of you.

There is a link to the right here about Managing Relationships, have you read that?  Circular arguments is a hallmark with BPD individuals.

Keep your chin up while you are going through this!

C

[InaMinorRole]

This isn't really about your MIL, this is about your husband. You two need a good marriage counselor. The two of you together need to make a plan and stick to it. Any marriage counselor should be able to see the destructive patterns and help you.

[DaughterofDD]

This isn't really about your MIL, this is about your husband. You two need a good marriage counselor. The two of you together need to make a plan and stick to it. Any marriage counselor should be able to see the destructive patterns and help you.

I could not agree more!  Good luck!

[Kelly995]

Thank you all for your support this has been rough.  I went to a psychologist today.  (If she won't go I will.)

She agreed with my assessment of his mother and BPD.  She said that my husband is co-dependent.  According to her, its a classic response for a child of a BPD.

Those of you who mentioned its marriage, it is certainly a large part of it.  I've been working a lot of evenings (can't help when I get scheduled) and he is upset.  She said he probably feels like some of his needs aren't being met (though  he may not be able to articulate them).  He is regressing (because we had a firm handle before).  He is seeking to fill these unconscious voids through is mother because she is the only other thing he knows. 

She suggested a marriage retreat/ workshop.  She also feels he needs to be in codependents anonymous.  It makes sense but I don't think he will go.  They are steps to try.  I tend to be very independent and don't like to be overbearing but she says I may need to be a little more because that is what he knows.  She said that what he feels he needs is a mother and I'm not being a mother.  She isn't saying I should become a mother but rather try to find more ways to give him attention.

Today he said "I'm not worried about it. I guess it is what it is."  Easy for him to say!    He doesn't have an appointment with his therapist until next week but I'm certainly hoping this is the center of the conversation.

[somethingtolose]

Today he said "I'm not worried about it. I guess it is what it is."  Easy for him to say!    He doesn't have an appointment with his therapist until next week but I'm certainly hoping this is the center of the conversation.

You have a long road ahead of you. For many accepting the facts of the situation is the hardest part. I hope the therapist has a very deep knowledge of BPD, or this may not help much (and it might not either way, because saying "I'm not worried about it"... .  means he's not going in with the right attitude and he clearly doesn't understand how much this is hurting you (or he just doesn't think there's any other option). It's extremely hard to fundamentally change something like the relationship to your mother, even when motivated to change, but going in without that motivation... .