how to have a healthy relationship?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone else has this problem: what does a healthy relationship look like? I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm not even sure what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, how it would come to be. It sounds sad really, I know, but I find it so confusing. When I see other people's relationships with their mentally healthy parents/family members, it always surprises me. It almost makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so different from what I have been around my whole life.

So my question is, has anyone uncovered the answer to this massive question: what does healthy look like?

[reapwhatwesow]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone else has this problem: what does a healthy relationship look like? I have recently come to the conclusion that I'm not even sure what a healthy relationship looks like, feels like, how it would come to be. It sounds sad really, I know, but I find it so confusing. When I see other people's relationships with their mentally healthy parents/family members, it always surprises me. It almost makes me feel uncomfortable because it is so different from what I have been around my whole life.

So my question is, has anyone uncovered the answer to this massive question: what does healthy look like?

[lipsticklibrarian]

I don't know what a healthy relationship is supposed to look like but I do know what a loving relationship feels like. I am very lucky to have a handful of people in my life whom I love and I know they love me. My aunt, my boyfriend, my coworkers and friends.

I know they are healthy because I enjoy seeing them, I look forward to it and afterwards I look back on the time we've spent together with happiness and love. Before I see my mother I spend the weeks leading up to it racked with anxiety and afterwards my brain tries to go through the interactions trying to make sense of them all.

I can finally acknowledge the difference between an unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship and a loving, healthy one. How can you tell what a healthy relationship is supposed to feel like? Trust your gut, it's supposed to feel good 

[justnothing]

It so happens that it was my mother who once told me that you can tell whether or not a relationship is healthy depending on how it makes you feel about yourself.

My relationship with my mother was very loving, but not very healthy… the two aren't always mutually exclusive…

Incidentally, there seem to be a number of articles, workshops and discussions in this here site about the dynamics of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships that I think could apply to relationships in general (at least some of them) and not just romantic ones.

[GeekyGirl]

To me, a healthy relationship is where both parties can be honest and true to themselves while respecting and accepting the differences in each other.

[Clearmind]

To me, a healthy relationship is where both parties can be honest and true to themselves while respecting and accepting the differences in each other.

Totally agree!

hit

Great question reapwhatwesow!

I have a BPD parent and it really can play havoc with our relationship skills. One of the legacies of having a BPD parent is that many of us were required to constantly adapt and change ourselves to avoid abuse. There were many contradictions and we were not taught self respect and healthy boundary setting. We are fluid rather than having two feet firmly planted on the ground. Because of this fluidity we find it difficult to accept people for who they show us to be – we tend to want to change them to fit a mould.

I have a great r/s with my uBPD father now – although it was difficult for a while there. It is possible.

I believe there are 3 dynamics at play when I think of a romantic relationship:

1. My emotional health

2. Partner’s emotional health

3. Ability for those two people to contribute to the union whether it be a relationship or friendship.

All this requires a very important thing: not feeing the need to change the other person AND not feeling the need to control the other person – this does little for the health of the relationship as a whole (#3 above). All it does it breed resentment and distance.

In order to relinquish control and need to change another person we need to work on:

1.   Self trust

2.   know your personal values and boundaries

3.   Ability to balance or emotions in the face of stress, criticism, upset, triggers – using Wise Mind

4.   Not blame the other person for how you feel

5.   Permitting yourself to be imperfect

6.   Abandonment issues from childhood

7.   Learning to not resent

8.   Building self worth and emotional maturity

9.   Not relying on the other person to make us happy

10.   Relinquishing childhood conditioning and learning to re-parent – build a new template for how we relate to others.

Once we work on us we are able to see healthy in others.

If we are referring to a r/s with a BPD parent. Accept our childhood, accept that they tried the best with what they were dealt from their parents, accept that we have the ability to change, accept that we are adults with adult privileges and we have the power to make things better for us, finding ways to move from being a victim of circumstance to thriving and being in charge.

What steps can we take to move to being a thriver?

[XL]

Choose partners well. I chose a lot of chaotic romantic partners because they had 'no room to judge'. Chaos seemed familiar.

It's really important to meet people at healthy events. I met my partner through an athletic group. You can't go around to AA meetings and raves looking for quality friends and partners. It seems obvious, but obviously I wasn't doing that when I was younger. 

1. Is the person you're dating mostly stable? (no addictions, unmanaged psych problems, criminal activity)

2. Are they likewise interested in a stable relationship?

3. Are they fundamentally interested in the same type of relationship? If you don't like kids, relocating, or marriage, you shouldn't be dating people who see those as important things.

I used to see stable people as painfully boring, and perhaps judgmental. I was almost too permissive (turning a blind eye to drug problems, pretending to be ok with 'open relationships', stuff like that). I didn't really have a compass, and wanted not to be seen as a controlling wreck, so I let myself get walked on a lot.

My current partner is a good mix of energy w/o chaos, and stable commitment. He has NO mental health issues, so that helps. His emotional thermostat is set low, and I think he just doesn't notice drama. He's been accused of being boring or rigid, but I appreciate it immensely. I need someone who isn't going to fly off the handle.

We also allow ourselves A LOT of space, and have our own set of HEALTHY friends and activities (art classes, gym groups, that thing). It's a balance of allowing them their own life without getting walked on (example: a gym class is an independence fostering solo activity you should encourage. Drug dealing with their ex is not). You can't be crazy jealous of healthy alone time, nor should you be permissive of chaotic shenanigans.

It's also important not to read gossip magazines or watch tv drama. Articles like "He hates you if he hasn't asked you to move in after 6 months" are really damaging when you don't have much of a compass. 

We're still of a clubbing age, & we've agreed not to drink at the same time. One is always the designated driver while the other is allowed 2-3 drinks. We try not to put ourselves in scenarios where we're both out of control.

[XL]

I also don't know what healthy parenting looks like. It seems to me like my friends with "more normal" parents are actually being helicoptered.

I think you should be interested in your family to the extent they want to share. You should be civil at group events. You shouldn't give advice unless asked. You should be happy for the version of themselves they show, and supportive with the information they willingly put forth.

Healthy parents also respect age-appropriate independence. Anyone over 18 should be considered the head of their own household. Healthy parents teach a kid how to manage their own house and money, and then get out of the way unless asked for guidance. I have a lot of 'healthier' friends whose parents open their mail and let themselves in to do laundry and stuff. That's not good either.