It's Never Her Fault

[BooKat]

Always mine, always. It was almost better when i was in the FOG, because then I always had hope that if I only tried harder, things would be better. Now that I well and truly understand about personality disorders, I know there is no hope. Have been very LC for three months, but we both live in a tiny town and it is difficult.

[linusham]

It is never their fault. They are so dripping in self righeousness and victim hood - they talk about abuse and how bad their lives are when they dole out the most awful stuff.

But at the end of the day - as my therapist says to me - its not about you - its about her. Its all about her - she can't see past her own damn nose.

They will likely never change. Only a few do. Most of them end up either destroying relationships or destroying those who stick around. This is what I'm slowly learning from my own experience and from reading about this awful disorder.

Hugs 

[tryintogetby]

Congratulations on LC!    I've been NC for nearly **10 years now** and it's an amazing journey.  Now that it's *not* about her, your life and your days can truly be about *you*, and that's ok.  Try gently exploring something you love, so you don't think about her all the time.     And come here for support, and ask a ton of questions, and when you get lonely and feel like calling her, **come here instead**.    

Because this is your life.  It's okay if it's about you.   

[redroom]

I did the LC thing while living in the same small town as my mom years ago.  It definitely gets easier! 

It was pretty difficult for me at first because I had (and still have) very severe social anxiety, and my mom was the only one I'd really talk to.  I was difficult to go LC because I'd get bored and want to talk to someone, and my mom was my connection to the rest of the family and close family friends. 

Eventually, I made some friends online and I'd post in message boards.  I made 2 "real life" friends, and one friend was close enough that I could tell her pretty much everything that was going on.  She told me that when she first met my mom, she felt that something was 'off', so I knew she was a keeper.     Very few people are able to see *through* my mom.  I also got started in therapy with a really good trauma therapist, and that was another way for me to interact with others.  I got started in school and participated in class, joined a few student groups, and w/ all of this interaction, was able to really put some distance between my mom and me. 

It's been about 11 years of V,VLC, and I'm so much better off.  However, I will admit that everytime I talk to her (twice a year, my birthday and hers are 6 months apart), I do get my hopes up.  I know that she won't change.  I know that I have to watch what I say (to avoid having anything twisted around when my mom inevitably repeats it to others), but I'm always genuinely happy to hear from her.  I also know that I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt, because she makes up random stories (huge lies, and tiny lies).  I don't know why I'm so drawn to her.   

She is very charismatic and good at telling people what they want to hear.  She knows how much I love to help people, and she plays on that a lot. 

Sorry, I just went off on a tangent with all that!  Distraction helps a lot, though.  As does widening your social circle.  And if there are friends or family members you usually associate with when you're with your mom, try to get to know them on your own. 

[Human]

"I know there is no hope." There's hope -- for YOU, there is! Hang in there. You are better off seeing clearly outside of the FOG, even though it's difficult.

I love what TryingToGetBy wrote: "... .  this is your life. It's okay if it's about you." That's right.

I drew the VLC line too. I imagine you feel similarly to the way I do: that you could not live a sane life while constantly hearing or accepting that every bit of unhappiness, every misunderstanding, every crisis that someone else's mental illness produces is always "your fault." Be free... .