Little piece of news about her family takes me back

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have done a good job of cutting off all contact.  It took me a while to finally do it, but once the last straw came down I immediately cut off contact everywhere.  During what would be our final conversation (via text) I blocked her number mid-stream.  It just had to be done at that point.  Immediately after that, I deleted her mother and brother from facebook.  I had told her when we first broke up a year earlier that I'd have to "kill her in my head".  After a year where we still spent almost all our free time together, I finally did it.  I took it a step further than most.  Realizing that simply hearing her name was a trigger for all sorts of unpleasant emotions, I stopped talking with what few people I knew could share information about me and vice versa.  One in particular is a close friend.  When we finally met up this summer, he wasn't even sure if the relationship had ended.  I told him and his new girlfriend that night not to talk about me if they ever see my ex's best friend, who they both work with.  Both understood.

More recently I have been talking to this friend a lot more.  A few weeks back over dinner he told me he ran into the ex's best friend who had been asking about me.  Today he texted to tell me that my ex's younger brother had gotten engaged.  My ex's family was extremely loving.  I loved them, they loved me.  So losing them was particularly.  I have come a long way from where I was, but a simple piece of news really takes me back to the sadness of it all.  Also it is certainly a reminder that life goes on, and that my dreams of living with her and her family through the best and worst of life never materialized.

A big piece of my struggle over the last year has been my health.  When I first broke up with my ex, I made a commitment to address some confounding health issues.  She clearly didn't help this situation, but that these issues have gotten worse has made it that much harder to let this all go.  It's mostly gone but reminders like these bring it back.  Knowing that it will come and go much faster helps me recognize that things are a lot better than they once were.

   

[oletimefeelin]

I have done a good job of cutting off all contact.  It took me a while to finally do it, but once the last straw came down I immediately cut off contact everywhere.  During what would be our final conversation (via text) I blocked her number mid-stream.  It just had to be done at that point.  Immediately after that, I deleted her mother and brother from facebook.  I had told her when we first broke up a year earlier that I'd have to "kill her in my head".  After a year where we still spent almost all our free time together, I finally did it.  I took it a step further than most.  Realizing that simply hearing her name was a trigger for all sorts of unpleasant emotions, I stopped talking with what few people I knew could share information about me and vice versa.  One in particular is a close friend.  When we finally met up this summer, he wasn't even sure if the relationship had ended.  I told him and his new girlfriend that night not to talk about me if they ever see my ex's best friend, who they both work with.  Both understood.

More recently I have been talking to this friend a lot more.  A few weeks back over dinner he told me he ran into the ex's best friend who had been asking about me.  Today he texted to tell me that my ex's younger brother had gotten engaged.  My ex's family was extremely loving.  I loved them, they loved me.  So losing them was particularly.  I have come a long way from where I was, but a simple piece of news really takes me back to the sadness of it all.  Also it is certainly a reminder that life goes on, and that my dreams of living with her and her family through the best and worst of life never materialized.

A big piece of my struggle over the last year has been my health.  When I first broke up with my ex, I made a commitment to address some confounding health issues.  She clearly didn't help this situation, but that these issues have gotten worse has made it that much harder to let this all go.  It's mostly gone but reminders like these bring it back.  Knowing that it will come and go much faster helps me recognize that things are a lot better than they once were.

   

[Blazing Star]

Hi oletimefeelin,

I like that while you recognised that it was a trigger for you, it also reminded you that life goes on.

I am sorry to hear about your health issues. Can you clarify what you mean by this:

She clearly didn't help this situation, but that these issues have gotten worse has made it that much harder to let this all go.

I am wondering if you mean it would feel easier if the health problems cleared up quickly once she was out of your life - thus showing quite a clear link between the effect she had on your health? Healing sometimes isn't linear, be gentle on yourself.

Love Blazing Star

[oletimefeelin]

Sure.  We spent a month or two apart.  While apart I first addressed my health issues.  We started seeing one another again and it became clear that her drama exacerbated things.  I articulated as much when we parted.  She seemed to understand this logic.  Since we parted docs have tried a few different things that have made the situation a lot worse.  So while she was undoubtedly stressful and things had to end, my time with her was the last time I actually felt physically okay.  Thus making it harder to completely let go of her and making peace with my decision.   

[Blazing Star]

Ah yes I see how that could make things harder to let go and move on.

And although you feel physically worse off, how are you feeling emotionally since you parted?

Love Blazing Star

[oletimefeelin]

Emotionally I have been up and down.  I am a lot stronger than I was before.  Most of my issues lately are more about finding meaning and less than the relationship long since gone.  I do see a therapist.  I continue to work and stubbornly refuse to quit, even though at least one doctor told me to take 3 months off.