New to the board

[stoic83]

Paranoid   ||||||||||||||||   66%   50%

Schizoid   ||||||   26%   40%

Schizotypal   ||||||||||||||   54%   56%

Antisocial   ||||||||||   34%   46%

Borderline   ||||||||||||||   58%   45%

Histrionic   ||||||||||||||   54%   35%

Narcissistic   ||||||||||||   46%   40%

Avoidant   ||||||||||||   42%   48%

Dependent   ||||||||||||   42%   44%

Obsessive-Compulsive   ||||||||||   34%   45%

Hey all I am new to this board. I took the pd test to see where my traits were and I always thought I was more narcissistic, but I think it was more projective identification from my lf-nBPD ex, and possibly NPD/schizotypal  or hf-nBPD/schizotypal mother.

I can attribute heightened paranoia to the following factors:

a) Threats of violence including cutting off my genitals, and killing me, false allegations to the police, etc from exwBPD during dysregulation.

b) Being "conned" out of my job by my dad (N-traits, B-traits?,ASPD-traits?) and asked to take my software ideas underneath an umbrella company with him and his partner. We each had 1/3... .  and all i had to do was get it off the ground. My dad promised to raise money for this company (he was a stock broker who lost all his money in the crash) and when i quit my job and got other people to help, my dad said he "burned all his bridges, and nobody wanted to invest" and then he asked me for money when my business partners family invested.

So these types of recent experience, combined with smoking weed to fight anxiety and depression(which could be making it worse?), probably increase my paranoia.

I think I can say that I have always been a bit dramatic, passionate... .  it does really get people's attention. And I think drama has it's place as long as it isn't about me... .  I can say I am an annoying friend after a breakup, etc... .  so would like to reduce these dramatic histronic traits... .  I think smoking weed helps me keep my emotions in check... .  but I think I have been smoking too much after this BPD breakup and it is having the opposite effect. I think i am going to stop smoking tomorrow.

Borderline... .  well I probably have some fleas, right?

Well I am what I am, I really, really thought I would be more narcissitic... .  but i think i just come from the typical narcissitic family dynamic where I am the "scapegoat" and my sister was the "golden child"... .  I have always thought I was more of a co-narcissist, but with serious narcissistic wounds that I would like to try healing.

That is my intro. Out of an off/on rs of 4/years with exBPD... .  experienced flashbacks, dissociation, and paranoia as a result of the entanglement.

She forced herself on to me sexually during "sex bombing" stages, and now I have a "chronic pelvic pain disorder" that makes me cranky, and causes my pelvis to swell after drinking hard alcohol. Awesome.

Well, that's me... .  I have a few friends right now, not very close, but some deep emotion under the layers. Been tough for the people around me to endure my stupid behavior with the exwBPD over and over again. Wish I had a close friend to keep me company... .  my business partner who i see every day, is a nice guy, but is not very emotional, very neurotic and task-oriented and we are just different types of guys.

Being an entrepreneur with all this stuff is tough/almost impossible... .  I have been overreacting to little things with my business partners (especially the narcissitic one who creeps me out big time!)... .  projecting, and I have no female friends right now (other than my T)

I used to love having female friends... .  but as I get older it seems like women aren't in to having male friends anymore... .  they are in to getting married... .  . I'm turning 30 in 3 weeks. Eventhough I'm a bit socially paranoid right now, I'm forcing myself to talk to people and get out of the house and it seems to be working a little bit... .  

Don't like the area I live in at all. Very shady. Orange County, CA. Living here has made me paranoid... .  with all the superficiality out here you can imagine that it attracts a lot of people with pd's especially N-traits... .  etc. Less people like me that are more eccentric... .  and bookish.

I enjoy eccentric people. I studied philosophy and math in college, I am a good looking guy when I am in shape, and I'm looking to learn how to branch out and build a new life, living in this area that I don't really like and having no contact with family and exwBPD. Also I have ended a few friendships in the past few years after meeting with the first therapist, and now I am meeting with a new therapist.

Well... .  I was really nervous to take this test and the results didn't really bum me out that much... .  I know I am paranoid right now!

Anybody want to share a perspective? I appreciate any opinions or commentary of my story. I get kind of wordy, because I feel the need to really explain myself... .  justify? Anyways... here I am.

Stoic

[stoic83]

Haha. Welcome to the board, stoic!

(Im sure the post was annoying)

[seeking balance]

Haha. Welcome to the board, stoic!

(Im sure the post was annoying)

Welcome to the board Stoic... .  

I guess I don't really know what you want to discuss on your personal inventory based on your opening post.  A lot there - what inventory are you wanting to take?

[stoic83]

Haha. Welcome to the board, stoic!

(Im sure the post was annoying)

Welcome to the board Stoic... .  

I guess I don't really know what you want to discuss on your personal inventory based on your opening post.  A lot there - what inventory are you wanting to take?

I guess I'm taking inventory on my current personality style and it is above mean in the : paranoid, histronic, and borderline areas.

I was just figuring somebody would challenge me on my self-analysis? I don't really know... do you have any advice for me? I'm new... .  

[GreenMango]

Stoic it's a good thing to look at your personality style on how you approach life. 

I notice there is some confusion on the boards about the term ... .  these are our traits.  We don't get these from others like the chicken pox.  They were there but a situation brought them to the forefront kind of like shingles is the chicken pox but the second or third round later in life just brought out by stress.

Maybe you could identify what you believe to be the most concerning thing the relationship brought out in you that you would like to talk about... .  

Or do you want to address the histrionic, BPD, paranoid thing... .  Do you see these traits in your behavior and how?  (fyi most of here have baggage you wouldn't be the first)

[seeking balance]

I guess I'm taking inventory on my current personality style and it is above mean in the : paranoid, histronic, and borderline areas.

I was just figuring somebody would challenge me on my self-analysis? I don't really know... do you have any advice for me? I'm new... .  

Well, when analyzing - the first thing we should challenge about ourselves is what is actually true about what this shows?

[Suzn]

stoic smoking weed can cause paranoia and panic attacks. I would encourage you to stop smoking because of the effect it seems to be having on you. I would re-test at a later date after you've given yourself some time to detox.

[stoic83]

stoic smoking weed can cause paranoia and panic attacks. I would encourage you to stop smoking because of the effect it seems to be having on you. I would re-test at a later date after you've given yourself some time to detox.

I stopped yesterday, and I am very anxious... .  T told me to taper off, but I just think cold turkey might be better at this point. Its to the point where I don't think I could feel any worse so might as well stop smoking weed, it's pointless.

I read online about the difference between paranoia and hypervigilence.

I'm pretty sure what I am experiencing is hypervigilence... .  I have reason to be suspicious and untrusting of people I do business with.

1) threats towards me. 2) Tried to get me to cut other partner out behind his back . 3) has very abusive primary rs (her not him) and told me he treated his previous employees very poorly, like a bully.

Plus the overwhelming experience of BPD rs just pours over in to other relationships... .  the gaslighting, pathological lying, compartamentalization, etc etc... .  just twisted me up pretty good.

Plus my dad put me in business with someone who got indicted by FBI for securities fraud, and didn't have the audacity to even let me know... .  leaving me open for dangerous wire-tapped phone calls when I was 26 years old. My dad "conned" me to quit my job to start my software business under his "public shell"... .  they were going to raise money illegally... .  i believe. I had no idea about any of this. I contacted a lawyer who worked for this fradulent partner, and he told me that I was "really really lucky" and that the guy my dad was working with was "very,very smart and knew exactly what he was doing"... .  etc.

Paranoia is when you don't see that what you are beliving is irrational... .  most of the time I had panic attacks or extreme anxiety it was often an exaggeration of fears I had about some perceived threat from a very REAL bully. Either my dad, an abusive friend, a creepy business partner... .  etc.

I agree that the weed makes the paranoia/hypervigilence worse... .  but getting betrayed by your own family over and over again just really doesn't help anything.

[seeking balance]

glad you are laying off the weed - at least once you detox you can start at square 1.

what else has your T said about these PD traits you posted about?

[stoic83]

Stoic it's a good thing to look at your personality style on how you approach life. 

I notice there is some confusion on the boards about the term ... .  these are our traits.  We don't get these from others like the chicken pox.  They were there but a situation brought them to the forefront kind of like shingles is the chicken pox but the second or third round later in life just brought out by stress.

Maybe you could identify what you believe to be the most concerning thing the relationship brought out in you that you would like to talk about... .  

Or do you want to address the histrionic, BPD, paranoid thing... .  Do you see these traits in your behavior and how?  (fyi most of here have baggage you wouldn't be the first)

The most concerning thing the relationship brought out in me is my lack of selfishness in relationships with women.

The other concerning thing is my level of "gullibility" ... .  I believe people who lie to me over and over again, I stick by people that don't treat me right.

The third concerning thing is that I was acting borderline myself during these final 2 breakups, not the first 3 or 4 or whatever was.

Lastly, I think projective identification is a huge thing for me. My mom and dad were severely abused by men as children, and I think they took it out on me... .  and then I acted out whatever they said about me... .  I found myself acting out my ex wBPD's projections as well... .  like if she calls me a slob, I would get messier... .  if she called me an idiot, I would worry about being able to do my very difficult programming work... .  etc.

I took what she said so much to heart during the last breakup... .  that I just don't like myself anymore. I really made her my judge, jury, and executioner.

I feel terrible about myself... .  and don't see myself ever feeling good about myself from the inside-out. I always need an audience, someone to appreciate my creativity, my humor, my generosity, my passion... .  otherwise I feel completely empty. Im guessing this is histrionic part.

I feel like Ive been objectified in most of my adult relationships... .  

[GreenMango]

Hey Stoic

So a couple of things you've mentioned since you've posted the personality test seem to be more critical than the personality test.

One was feeling depressed right now... .  this is important to identify and talk to an MD about soon.

Self-medicating with smoking a lot of weed... .  maybe a NA program.

It seems like maybe right now the most important things to concentrate on for your inventory are the depression and pot.

Can you do this?

Can you make some moves in this direction this next week?

[seeking balance]

Stoic - do you get to see your T tomorrow?

You have a lot of emotions right now - huh?  

[stoic83]

glad you are laying off the weed - at least once you detox you can start at square 1.

what else has your T said about these PD traits you posted about?

When I went in I told her I was worried I was narcissistic. And talked to her about my exwBPD... .  she jumped at me and was worried about me labeling my ex as pd without diagnosis. Overtime she agreed with the diagnosis (she treats people w/ PDs).

1) First T said I was "mildly neurotic and come from an enmeshed family" and thought my parents were both heavy N-traits, and maybe something worse and to stay away. He didn't say anything other than that he didn't think i was a narcissist... .  when I told him about my exwBPD he said she sounded like she could be NPD/or sociopathic as well... .  

2) New T says that I seem more like a co-narcissist, but the word came out of my mouth not hers... .  She says I should not be looking at the dsm when thinking about myself... .  that I am not mentally ill, and that I am a kind and loving person. Shes said my mother sounds borderline to her. She thinks that I experience panic because I have had to suppress my other emotions (right brain) in childhood and in this relationship, and that panic is the only "emotion" that left brain can feel. She is trying to get me out of psychology talk, and in to mindfulness, wise-mind, DBT stuff.

3) My uncle says that he thinks I am suffering from "learned helplessness" and "depression". He told me to stay away from the dsm as well. He says he is a child psychologist and that he doesn't use the dsm, but that it is innapropriate for me to be referencing it to analyze myself and thought that my knowledge of psychology was impressive, but that my self-analysis was sophmoric.

T seemed to pick up on some histronic traits although she didn't say anything.

T doesn't like my business partner and detects narcissim and doesn't like the way he speaks to me. She is worried that my other business partner has some odd behaviors as well, possibly PPD.

So I don't really know where my T sees my traits. I think i will share this with her tomorrow.

I guess my strangest behaviors were:

1) blurting things out to exwBPD about her cheating on me when i could have been off the mark (cheating wasnt in my vocab before this rs)

2) told her mom and lesbian partner that i was 98% sure that her dad molested her, though i had no hard evidence.

3) I was splitting my friends and idealizing anyone who would listen to me after the rs... .  like saying i love you too much to distant relatives, and then feeling ashamed about myself afterward.

4) I had flashbacks when w exwBPD about her past sexual/physical abuse towards me, towards herself.

5) I would experience debilitating shame when she would point out my faults during a rage. Like i got punched in the gut and my soul went out my mouth.

6) I would ruminate and obssess about her... .  like she did about me at the beginning of this rs... .  to the point where I have never been able to move on from the rs... .  despite trying to, and going through the breakup process.

7) I split her black this final breakup... .  never did that before in my life. I honestly felt like she was all evil. I told her she was going to hell. I told her she was a bad person. I told her I hope she gets cheated on and gets it rubbed in her face. I told her that she is going to end up with someone who treats her like trash... .  I had almost no control over what i was saying... .  and it came from somewhere deep inside of me.

Stoic

[stoic83]

Hey Stoic

So a couple of things you've mentioned since you've posted the personality test seem to be more critical than the personality test.

One was feeling depressed right now... .  this is important to identify and talk to an MD about soon.

Self-medicating with smoking a lot of weed... .  maybe a NA program.

It seems like maybe right now the most important things to concentrate on for your inventory are the depression and pot.

Can you do this?

Can you make some moves in this direction this next week?

1) I didn't smoke today for the first time in a very long while.

2) I posted here on the inventory board for the first time... .  

3) I made a boundary and told my business partner I needed vacation time today.

I am headed to the T two times a week... .  it's only been a while and I guess I may be less depressed than I was when I started therapy.

I am reluctant to go to NA 12 step meetings because there are a lot of PDs in these meetings, and I would prefer to stay away since I am weak and fragile. I have a lot of friends in the program, so maybe I will ask them if I can tag along... .  they all laugh at people who go to na for weed... .  oh well. I went to some al-anon meetings and that seemed to help a bit... .  with the codependency aspects of being in a rs with a recovering alcoholic(exwBPD).

I think I am a co-narcissist and have a lot of friends who are narcissistic addicts. It would make sense since my mom is very narcissistic.

My dad and sister are both on prozac, my mom and dad are both on xanax. I smoked weed instead... .  they put me on celexa when i was 18 and it made me impotent. I don't even know why they wanted me to take an anti-depressant at that age, i'm pretty sure I was not depressed.

I think part of me being depressed right now is my exwBPD's projection that I am "a miserable human that has alienated himself from everyone he knows". Maybe i am just living this out... .  

Either way, I feel pretty badly... .  I am trying the moodGYM... .  I think I have always been mildly depressed just due to my social awareness, but this is pretty severe... .  

It's hard to find the drive and motivation with no family, depression, lack of creative drive... .  etc. whats the point? To be a selfish narcissist?

ugh... .  burnt out.

[seeking balance]

you know Stoic - you have made some big strides today - you should be proud of yourself!   

Try this for me - forget the dang DSM and PD's for tonight - it really doesn't matter.  What is important is learning skills to manage emotions, whether for depression or some other issue.

You know, when I was first here, I learned all I could about BPD, which included learning about DBT... .  the DBT skills work for all kinds of things - sometimes, just reading about solutions helps me feel better.  Do you think you could focus on solutions and not so much on PD's for the rest of this week?  I bet your T could give you some good homework in this regard.

[stoic83]

Stoic - do you get to see your T tomorrow?

You have a lot of emotions right now - huh?  

Yes I do. A big concern of hers is that the weed use could have been blocking my emotions. She asked me what emotion I was most trying to block and I told her it was sadness. A lot of the sadness was that my exwBPD had gotten worse, the relationship was not going to succeed, and she started to really scare me in ways that I had not experienced in my life. To see someone that you love experience that was very painful and caused me to lose faith... .  in well ,whatever... .  destiny, hope. Just very, very sad to see someone in that state of craziness when they seem to have so much potential.

I actually had quit smoking weed in support of her sobriety and my own clear-headedness... .  but during her dysregulation I absolutely craved weed. It was such a disturbing experience to see her seem to lose her mind after weeks or months of promising behavior. I felt empathy for her... .  it must be because of my borderline traits. I felt so depressed that I would smoke weed... .  when i was painted black if i smoked weed it wouldn't hurt as much

Stoic

[seeking balance]

Stoic - do you get to see your T tomorrow?

You have a lot of emotions right now - huh?  

Yes I do. A big concern of hers is that the weed use could have been blocking my emotions. She asked me what emotion I was most trying to block and I told her it was sadness. A lot of the sadness was that my exwBPD had gotten worse, the relationship was not going to succeed, and she started to really scare me in ways that I had not experienced in my life. To see someone that you love experience that was very painful and caused me to lose faith... .  in well ,whatever... .  destiny, hope. Just very, very sad to see someone in that state of craziness when they seem to have so much potential.

I actually had quit smoking weed in support of her sobriety and my own clear-headedness... .  but during her dysregulation I absolutely craved weed. It was such a disturbing experience to see her seem to lose her mind after weeks or months of promising behavior. I felt empathy for her... .  it must be because of my borderline traits. I felt so depressed that I would smoke weed... .  when i was painted black if i smoked weed it wouldn't hurt as much

Stoic

yeah, it is hard to see someone struggle emotionally... .  you coped the best way you knew.

Right now, you are probably going to feel  A LOT since you have been numbing for quite a while... .  has your T suggested you see a medical Dr. for any short term prescriptions to help deal with some of this pain?

Sounds crazy maybe - but now would be a great time for you to start running - redirect that energy.

[stoic83]

you know Stoic - you have made some big strides today - you should be proud of yourself!   

Try this for me - forget the dang DSM and PD's for tonight - it really doesn't matter.  What is important is learning skills to manage emotions, whether for depression or some other issue.

You know, when I was first here, I learned all I could about BPD, which included learning about DBT... .  the DBT skills work for all kinds of things - sometimes, just reading about solutions helps me feel better.  Do you think you could focus on solutions and not so much on PD's for the rest of this week?  I bet your T could give you some good homework in this regard.

Yeah, I have a DBT workbook w mindfulness exercises!

Thank you so much for your support, it means a lot to me:)

I do want to focus on the solutions this week. I don't want to think about PD's for the rest of this week.

The one thing I wanted to mention to you guys is:

That my exwBPD was asked to focus on correcting her alcoholism first... this upset me because I thought her alcohol use was just a symptom of the disorder. I feel like she wasn't in therapy for her mental illness and this was a bad approach for her and that by not receiving treatment for her mental symptoms, that she was inevitably going to relapse.

I am not her so i can focus on just weed and depression, but i dont know how the people helping my exwBPD thought that she could quit drinking first and then go get treatment for her worsening mental illness later. This was so upsetting to me. I ripped on her sponsor for getting my exwBPD to not worry about getting therapy for her mental illness symptoms (that i know her sponsor was fully aware of).

Is this how people wBPD/alcoholism co-morbidity are supposed to handle it? Go through 12 steps first (even if it takes years) and then go to therapy? My exwBPD was 15 months sober and hadn't done her 4th step. She relapsed right before she did her 4th/5th step at my house... .  and I was angry with her sponsor for not encouraging her to seek medical attention for her psychosis, dissociation, and identity disturbances!

[seeking balance]

Is this how people wBPD/alcoholism co-morbidity are supposed to handle it? Go through 12 steps first (even if it takes years) and then go to therapy? My exwBPD was 15 months sober and hadn't done her 4th step. She relapsed right before she did her 4th/5th step at my house... .  and I was angry with her sponsor for not encouraging her to seek medical attention for her psychosis, dissociation, and identity disturbances!

I remember wondering about my ex's therapy and such too - but you know what?  I had to get to the point that I am not the expert on her recovery, we were not together any longer, it is ok that I don't know and I honestly I don't care.

Stoic, at this point, YOUR life is the most important thing on this personal inventory thread... .  let's focus on that.  For the rest of this week, focus on YOU, focus on solutions, BE the person you want to be - even if it feels hard, do it anyways.

[stoic83]

Stoic - do you get to see your T tomorrow?

You have a lot of emotions right now - huh?  

Yes I do. A big concern of hers is that the weed use could have been blocking my emotions. She asked me what emotion I was most trying to block and I told her it was sadness. A lot of the sadness was that my exwBPD had gotten worse, the relationship was not going to succeed, and she started to really scare me in ways that I had not experienced in my life. To see someone that you love experience that was very painful and caused me to lose faith... .  in well ,whatever... .  destiny, hope. Just very, very sad to see someone in that state of craziness when they seem to have so much potential.

I actually had quit smoking weed in support of her sobriety and my own clear-headedness... .  but during her dysregulation I absolutely craved weed. It was such a disturbing experience to see her seem to lose her mind after weeks or months of promising behavior. I felt empathy for her... .  it must be because of my borderline traits. I felt so depressed that I would smoke weed... .  when i was painted black if i smoked weed it wouldn't hurt as much

Stoic

yeah, it is hard to see someone struggle emotionally... .  you coped the best way you knew.

Right now, you are probably going to feel  A LOT since you have been numbing for quite a while... .  has your T suggested you see a medical Dr. for any short term prescriptions to help deal with some of this pain?

Sounds crazy maybe - but now would be a great time for you to start running - redirect that energy.

I talked to the therapist about medicine... .  she compared anti-anxiety medication to weed... .  saying that like weed at first it helps with the anxiety, but the withdrawl can be very hard and exacerbate my anxiety... .  she also knows that I can not be fully present with that. I asked about an anti-anxiety medicine... .  

But if what you are suggesting is perhaps an SSRI. I am worried about it... .  I took celexa when i was 18 and it made me impotent with my first girlfriend and I have had sexual anxiety ever since... .  I also felt kind of zombie-like... .  like I wasn't myself anymore and it was a bit frightening for me. Granted, I am open to trying medication to get through the pain of this depression... .  especially if it is going to interfere with me maintaining a roof over my head. I am a tolerant person, but you are right in saying that I am in a lot of pain right now... .  and that I am willing to do anything to make it through this... .  other than contact my exwBPD, or smoke more weed.

That being said, i dont have a lot of money right now. My exwBPD was helping with the rent, and i don't want to live with anybody else right now... .  it's either protect my house by getting this business off the ground or I have to figure out somewhere cheaper to live... .  I've been trying to bootstrap for 3 years, and I can't live like a college student anymore... .  I need health insurance, etc.

On the other side of things the company could be doing very well soon... .  if i pull myself out of this somehow.

Thank you guys for encouraging me to stop smoking weed. It has been hurting me in more areas than I am probably aware of.

Stoic

* meant to say that seeing an MD will be hard because I have no spending money. Therapy is expensive for me, even though I am getting the lowest rate available at the community center. She is not the best therapist ever. She is young. But I can tell that she has a natural gift... .  and I think I honestly lucked out.

* I was exercising a lot right after the breakup and it helped... .  but now I just feel weak and unmotivated. I can't remember what triggered me stopping... .  I think i got the flu and just stopped after that. Need to exercise to fight pot withdrawl irritability on top of all this other crap Im feeling sheesh! Good advice:)

[stoic83]

Is this how people wBPD/alcoholism co-morbidity are supposed to handle it? Go through 12 steps first (even if it takes years) and then go to therapy? My exwBPD was 15 months sober and hadn't done her 4th step. She relapsed right before she did her 4th/5th step at my house... .  and I was angry with her sponsor for not encouraging her to seek medical attention for her psychosis, dissociation, and identity disturbances!

I remember wondering about my ex's therapy and such too - but you know what?  I had to get to the point that I am not the expert on her recovery, we were not together any longer, it is ok that I don't know and I honestly I don't care.

Stoic, at this point, YOUR life is the most important thing on this personal inventory thread... .  let's focus on that.  For the rest of this week, focus on YOU, focus on solutions, BE the person you want to be - even if it feels hard, do it anyways.

I agree. Thanks I needed to hear that. I know I wasn't supposed to mention that... .  I am sure I will get to the point where I don't really care. It just triggered something in me that's all... .  I like that you are being straightforward, but validating with me. I appreciate it very much. You have helped me a great deal this evening. Thank you:)

I am looking forward to therapy tomorrow to discuss. My uncle said... .  "stop focusing on reducing your depression and start focusing on being happy". I think you would like my uncle... .  he's solution based:)

I'm glad I made it to this board... .  I feel better knowing that I have some wise people here to help out. I don't know what I did to deserve the support of the people on this board... .  but I am just honestly so thankful for your time and support.

Hopefully I can pay it forward:) thanks for the good energy, seeking balance.

[stoic83]

Hey guys,

I talked to my T today and mentioned the anti-depressants etc... .  and she seems like she does not want to give me advice about meds. She can see that I am very impressionable and knows I will do whatever she says, so she is reluctant to really advise me of anything... .  other than tapering off the weed. She seemed concerned that I tried to cut it off cold turkey... .  I told her that I felt my depression is severe, and she said it is warranted that I am depressed because this relationship just ended 45 days ago.

I believe she thinks I am capable of making good decisions for myself, and that one of my biggest problems is that I am dependent on other people for advice... .  it is frustrating when she won't tell me what to do or how to think... .  I think that she's trying to get me to reduce my dependency on others for validation.

I think my T might be frustrated that I am going to other sources for advice... .  she doesn't really tell me what she thinks of me, because I don't think she wants to impress herself upon me in that way... .  this is supposed to be my untainted feelings and thoughts about things... .  and so I will

Maybe I will take a short break until Friday and check back in... .  I think maybe taking a short quiz on depression may have exaserbated my symptoms so that i thought I was more depressed than I am... .  I really want to make sure I am not abusing the internet and making things harder on myself

I will check back on Friday.

Stoic