No trust

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So I snooped after she had a panic attack. It really doesn't have a correlation but I guess I justified it that way. She freaked out and started yelling and I left the house. Came back to her angry at me for leaving wanting me to "hear her". Didn't react to it, let her leave.

Then I checked her facebook and her message to one of her best girlfriends. Nothing about me or really much at all about anything she might be going through but then she says "tell me about the english boys, I want to know whatsup before I go to England this summer."

My heart dropped, we have had no direct infidelity issues but she has given out her number to guys at bars before (while we were dating) and now I want to confront her on this, but I feel stupid because it could just be girls chatting it up. To me, this seems like an admission of planning to cheat and part of me wants it to be my ticket out. Thoughts? I feel bad about snooping and have been keeping myself from doing it but it's hard when she can grab my phone and read my texts and if I lean over her shoulder she'll turn away.

[WorkingOnIt505]

So I snooped after she had a panic attack. It really doesn't have a correlation but I guess I justified it that way. She freaked out and started yelling and I left the house. Came back to her angry at me for leaving wanting me to "hear her". Didn't react to it, let her leave.

Then I checked her facebook and her message to one of her best girlfriends. Nothing about me or really much at all about anything she might be going through but then she says "tell me about the english boys, I want to know whatsup before I go to England this summer."

My heart dropped, we have had no direct infidelity issues but she has given out her number to guys at bars before (while we were dating) and now I want to confront her on this, but I feel stupid because it could just be girls chatting it up. To me, this seems like an admission of planning to cheat and part of me wants it to be my ticket out. Thoughts? I feel bad about snooping and have been keeping myself from doing it but it's hard when she can grab my phone and read my texts and if I lean over her shoulder she'll turn away.

[Clearmind]

This is bothering you WorkingOnIt and you are married to this person – I’d say if something concerning you then it needs to be raised.

Communicating to a person with BPD requires some tools. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

Can you open up the lines of communication re: marriage/expectations/checking in type chat without bringing up the finer details about the ‘english boys’ just yet?

Inquiry more than a hit between the eyeballs because she may be defensive.

[WorkingOnIt505]

Luckily not married! Still in college and working. I will consider using some techniques though she is especially good at coming off as innocent and of no guilt. The phone number stuff was always "I can't say no, I have a problem with it, there's no intent, he was like 5ft 6in... .  "

I have such an urge to just plainly say it. I just want her to finally admit all this weird quasi-infidelity stuff is real and is not cool. Though I've come to realize that may never happen. I guess I just want to know if that's normal? I feel like I'm going crazy and maybe I shouldn't be dating anyone because it seems being faithful is just not present in my age group (or maybe any age group... .  )

[Clearmind]

No accepting any responsibility is common, yes!

WOI - there are red flags when we begin to date someone - we sometimes don't have our eyes open to see it. People show us who they are if we are willing to see it.

Often we are so wrapped up in the romance we don't want to see it.