Thoughts after 2 1/2 months

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Haven't been here in a while.

It has been 2 and a half month ever since BPDex and I broke up. We still maintain LC. It's been good, we are "semi-detached". I am able to do my things, he is able to do his. But somehow we still belong to each other? Like he's telling me not to date anyone, and I am telling him not to date anyone. I cry sometimes because I know this is not going to last forever, one day BPDex will tell me he's done waiting, he wants me back and forces me to decide. I just can't. My family will be heart broken if I am ever with him again. That's why I cry sometimes. I still wish things would have been different, a lot different. It was not all his fault, the relationship failed was part of my fault too. It was so unfortunate. Sometimes I don't think he has BPD, maybe I do.

Graduated college two weeks ago, hopefully I will be receiving that job offer this week. *keep finger crossed!* I'm extremely excited about finally getting a full time job, and make that money!

I was deleting all my facebook inbox messages tonight because of whatever reasons, I was bored after working on a freelance project all day. When I was deleting the messages, I noticed how many lengthy messages I have sent to my friends when I was in the relationship with BPDex, and most of my "friends" never replied after I sent out those lengthy messages. And that led to writing this post... .  

I must have been a whining b*tch, I complained about my life but I never took actions to change it. I have always been someone like that, I said I am going to change myself, but I never actually took the actions. BPDex forced me to change, and I became a "better, more responsible grown up" only under his force. It was true. Whenever he started to nicer again, I would start to slack. I would start to forget to do this, didn't do that and I always had a reason why I couldn't complete the tasks. I made a mistake once, I made the same mistake twice, and I made the same mistake thrice, or more... .  I remember BPDex used to tell me how I acted "better" only when he was mean to me. Actually my mom had said the same thing when I was a kid.

Until not too long ago, I just realized that how I get angry at people who get angry at me, even though it is me who made them mad at the first place. BPDex used to tell me that, and it used to make me really angry. I remember the first time he told me that, it reminded me so much of what one of my best friends said to me some years ago. Some years ago, there was this time I invited my best friend(who didn't want to go out) out for dinner, but I fell asleep and kept him waiting for a half an hour, the friend decided to leave when I was about to go meet him – I got upset and lashed out at my friend. I remember my friend said:" Wow... .  I like how you are the one who was late, and you are the one who got mad at me."

And guess what, this friend stopped talking to me out of blue, he never said anything to me about what I did wrong, he just simply ignores me. We used to be so close ... .  and I finally heard it from our other mutual friends, how this friend was tired of my "dramas" ... .  BPDex used to beg me to change, he used to tell me if I stay "the same", eventually those people who I care will leave me because I am immature and still acting like a child. I used to think that he was just making me feel horrible for myself so he could feel superior because he was a loser and he knew it.

That really makes me think long and hard. Who I really was? I seemed like a pretty bad person. Not bad I guess, but a "ehh" person? The worst thing is, I am aware of it, but I don't want to make a change, I am too lazy to make a change. I am not a bad person, I've just never grown up. I am so immature. That's true. My father told my mother the other day:"Your daughter is 25 but she hasn't finished developing her brains yet. She still acts like a kid." But is it that bad to be immature?

I used to get all mad at my BPDex every time he was telling me what to change to act more like a lady/ an adult. I was so angry to the point I wanted to punch him in his face and just to make him shut up. BPDex used to say to me the reason why I was so angry is because I know he was telling the truths that nobody ever told me before. He was telling me because he cared. I used to just want him to stop talking.

I don't know what I am trying to write anymore so I am going to stop here.




The funniest thing is, so many things that BPDex used to tell me and begged me for a change actually make a lot more sense now, when he was not there to tell me what to do anymore, I actually start to understand and see what he meant by it. Maybe the time and distance has faded the things that he had done to hurt me in my head?  

[Tormenta]

 

I hope that someone can answer this better than me, but this is so sad, I hope that you feel better and day by day feeling less depressed and isolated, Meg.

I don´t think you are fair to yourself, it doesn´t look healthy the way you judge yourself.

Keep on writing, please. How are you?

That said, I understand a lot of things you are passing through:

- neither my sister nor my father knew that I was dating my now ex BPD bf again. I even travelled with him and lied my family saying that I was at home or travelling with "a friend from work you don´t know". I´m not proud and I think that it was that I had lost my mind - it´s like a drug, I could only think of him.

- I felt that I could not recover or feel better unless something external came to change my life: a new job in another city or country, etc

- I changed for the better because of his influence: waking up early, learning how to cook, being more open and sociable, being more active... .  at the end he has changed me for the better - but that things were inside of me, and you are who you are, the things you think he improved are inside of you, you are very nice and OK the way you are! - and I was afraid that I wont be better because he was out of my life but I´ve found that a lot of people influence me and that will be with you, too - you will find people to learn from but also without making you feeling depressed or isolated, I promise.

- After some time far from each other, we started to understand the other better - that led to longer intervals between breakups - but that´s all - your relationship would be always unstable and really, really unhealthy for you. You deserve respect and love and compromise, and the first person to give you that is you 

- My friends didn´t understand, only one, my best friend, is there for me - that´s why I´m at this board.

Hugs

[Leaf]

Hi Meg,

You sound like a very nice person. Like you I did learn some things from my BPDxbf. But I read somewhere that in a healthy relationship one partner shouldn't dictate the other how to live, and in my relationship my BPDxbf sure crossed that line.

I don't know if that was the case in your relationship, but in any case people telling you that you should do this and you should do that... .  That just drains ones energy. Even it is something you wanted to do yourself. It even drains your energy if you tell yourself you 'should' do something! So maybe you're not lazy at all. Maybe you should just ban the 'shoulds' out of your head and do something small you sort of feel like doing.

When my BPDxbf had rages, said hurtful things and hurt me, he always told me I made him do it and I deserved it. I knew that was absurd, but it still hurt. Please don't believe you caused it just because he said you did.

That he thought you acted 'better' when he was mean to you sounds to me like he was making you do things you didn't want to do. I mean, sometimes I feel like doing let's say the dishes and sometimes I don't. But when I don't feel like it and someone is being mean to me to make me do it anyway, that doesn't mean I'm behaving 'better'. I might have done it an hour later without coaching. Or maybe it's about something else I don't want to do at all, because I am my own person with my own wants. I have a right to be. And I have a right not to be perfect. Goes for you to.

I lost a long-time friend while being with my BPDxbf. I guess I just focussed too much on him and on how to keep him happy. Also his constant pressure on me made me nervous. Just a little example is I never used to spill things before, but with him around I spilled things all the time. I don't know but maybe something that resulted from your relationship was going on at the time. Lack of sleep for instance.

I'm not sure what your mother meant with a similar comment (circumstances in which you acted better), but I would guess your mother was raising you and trying to teach you things because you were little and that's what parents do. A partner is not a parent. My BPDxbf tried to change me into his fantasy woman. But that's not right. I'm my own person. You are your own person. By the way, that's not a very nice thing your father said to you. I personally think fathers shouldn't say things like that.

Maybe you've already looked into it, DepressIsolatedMeg, but I found this antidepressant book very helpfull:

"Feeling Good" 
by David D. Burns

You'll find it under the Book reviews tab on the homepage.

And here's a big 

Leaf

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

I hope that someone can answer this better than me, but this is so sad, I hope that you feel better and day by day feeling less depressed and isolated, Meg.

I don´t think you are fair to yourself, it doesn´t look healthy the way you judge yourself.

Keep on writing, please. How are you?

That said, I understand a lot of things you are passing through:

- neither my sister nor my father knew that I was dating my now ex BPD bf again. I even travelled with him and lied my family saying that I was at home or travelling with "a friend from work you don´t know". I´m not proud and I think that it was that I had lost my mind - it´s like a drug, I could only think of him.

- I felt that I could not recover or feel better unless something external came to change my life: a new job in another city or country, etc

- I changed for the better because of his influence: waking up early, learning how to cook, being more open and sociable, being more active... .  at the end he has changed me for the better - but that things were inside of me, and you are who you are, the things you think he improved are inside of you, you are very nice and OK the way you are! - and I was afraid that I wont be better because he was out of my life but I´ve found that a lot of people influence me and that will be with you, too - you will find people to learn from but also without making you feeling depressed or isolated, I promise.

- After some time far from each other, we started to understand the other better - that led to longer intervals between breakups - but that´s all - your relationship would be always unstable and really, really unhealthy for you. You deserve respect and love and compromise, and the first person to give you that is you 

- My friends didn´t understand, only one, my best friend, is there for me - that´s why I´m at this board.

Hugs

Hi,

I haven't visited to this post because I even felt like my whining was unwelcome on this board. A month later, I just revisited post. My head was so much clearer and your message definitely made me tear up.

Thank you for telling me all the kind things and putting yourself in my shoes. And yes he was trying so hard to turn me into his fantasy woman... and I am me. Why can't I be enough? He just told me I am not someone he was looking for a week ago. I now am facing my ghost. I was just never that someone that he was looking for. I was not that nurturing, kind, loving person. The way I showed him my love was not enough for him. In the end I just want to be loved. I just want someone be nice to me. I am not a bad person. I work hard, people tell me I am good looking, I think I have a decent personality and a sense of humor. I just want to be loved...

[DepressIsolatedMeg]

Hi Meg,

You sound like a very nice person. Like you I did learn some things from my BPDxbf. But I read somewhere that in a healthy relationship one partner shouldn't dictate the other how to live, and in my relationship my BPDxbf sure crossed that line.

I don't know if that was the case in your relationship, but in any case people telling you that you should do this and you should do that... .  That just drains ones energy. Even it is something you wanted to do yourself. It even drains your energy if you tell yourself you 'should' do something! So maybe you're not lazy at all. Maybe you should just ban the 'shoulds' out of your head and do something small you sort of feel like doing.

When my BPDxbf had rages, said hurtful things and hurt me, he always told me I made him do it and I deserved it. I knew that was absurd, but it still hurt. Please don't believe you caused it just because he said you did.

That he thought you acted 'better' when he was mean to you sounds to me like he was making you do things you didn't want to do. I mean, sometimes I feel like doing let's say the dishes and sometimes I don't. But when I don't feel like it and someone is being mean to me to make me do it anyway, that doesn't mean I'm behaving 'better'. I might have done it an hour later without coaching. Or maybe it's about something else I don't want to do at all, because I am my own person with my own wants. I have a right to be. And I have a right not to be perfect. Goes for you to.

I lost a long-time friend while being with my BPDxbf. I guess I just focussed too much on him and on how to keep him happy. Also his constant pressure on me made me nervous. Just a little example is I never used to spill things before, but with him around I spilled things all the time. I don't know but maybe something that resulted from your relationship was going on at the time. Lack of sleep for instance.

I'm not sure what your mother meant with a similar comment (circumstances in which you acted better), but I would guess your mother was raising you and trying to teach you things because you were little and that's what parents do. A partner is not a parent. My BPDxbf tried to change me into his fantasy woman. But that's not right. I'm my own person. You are your own person. By the way, that's not a very nice thing your father said to you. I personally think fathers shouldn't say things like that.

Maybe you've already looked into it, DepressIsolatedMeg, but I found this antidepressant book very helpfull:

"Feeling Good" 
by David D. Burns

You'll find it under the Book reviews tab on the homepage.

And here's a big 

Leaf

Hi Leaf. When you mentioned how you were not used to spill stuff all the time, but you did after he kept watching you.   It happened to me when I wad driving with him. He didn't have a car so I had to drive him to everywhere, he would be yelling at me and telling me the way I drive, how horrible I drove, how dangerous the way I drove, etc. He yelled at me if I couldn't switch to another lane in time, or when I made a turn too fast/too slow. I was always anxious when I was driving him around. I even cried because I knew that I mess up and he was going to yell at me. It was horrible. I should never feel that way with someone who loved me. Never.


Thank you for explaining everything for me, and the book recommendation. In the past month I have seen things so much clearer. Now I am working at my dream job, and my life has been never better than ever.

[real lady]

Congrats on graduating from college and getting your dream job. AWESOME...

Being LC with exBPD may present issues after he sees you "moving on" with graduating and getting your job... .  he may try to "pull you back"... .  please BE HONEST with your family and friends who love you and DO NOT lie to them if you talk to, see or have any contact with your EXBPD. Isn't it time that you "let go" and just do NOT return his calls. Send a quick text that you are busy and can't invest in a relationship with him now and that it would be best if he "moves on" too... .  wish him luck and health. And GO ON with your life.

If you don't "draw the line" and finish it, even though YOU get NO resolve at all, you might find that he will USE the little contact that you have to try to pull you back and sabotage your "NEW" life. PLEASE be careful. You deserve to be happy and loved. Focus on "finding yourself and healing from (his BPD) abuse"... .  you are well on your way to "seeing your dreams come true"... .  don't let him stop you... .  OK? HUGS 

[Leaf]

Now I am working at my dream job, and my life has been never better than ever.

Meg, I've been wondering how you were doing and this is great news! You've come a long way in a short period of time, that shows how strong you are. Your dream job! I'm so happy for you!

I was just never that someone that he was looking for. I was not that nurturing, kind, loving person. The way I showed him my love was not enough for him. In the end I just want to be loved.

My ex was BPD (w/NPD traits) and whatever I did it was never enough. He needed to prove his control over me by making me do things I didn't want to do. But when I was finally OK with something he wanted, he had to test his control over me by making further demands. And on and on. It never ends. By definition we're never good enough.

My ex was also looking for his fantasy woman, someone who would be his puppet on a string and put up with things that no sane woman would put up with. For instance his fantasy woman wouldn't mind being just one of the women in his personal harem, you know the picture: the women brush each others hair till their hero comes in and then they all look up and think 'pick me' or 'pick all of us at the same time, I don't mind as long as you shine your blinding light on me'. He wanted me to make friends with an ex of his and he put a lot of thought into creating occasions in which it would be logical for us to go somewhere as a trio. I didn't put up with that. He'll never find the fantasy woman he's looking for because she doesn't exist in the real world. He doesn't know what love is, he apparently thinks it's a mixture of complete control and undiluted admiration.

I'm sure that you're an extremely nurturing, kind and loving person, otherwise you wouldn't have put up with him.  

Hi Leaf. When you mentioned how you were not used to spill stuff all the time, but you did after he kept watching you.   It happened to me when I wad driving with him. He didn't have a car so I had to drive him to everywhere, he would be yelling at me and telling me the way I drive, how horrible I drove, how dangerous the way I drove, etc. He yelled at me if I couldn't switch to another lane in time, or when I made a turn too fast/too slow. I was always anxious when I was driving him around. I even cried because I knew that I mess up and he was going to yell at me. It was horrible. I should never feel that way with someone who loved me. Never.

This is so recognizable! My ex didn't have a car and always used my car. I couldn't drive my own car with him next to me, because he made me so nervous I just couldn't drive anymore. He even told me I should buy a little beat-up second car to drive myself, because I would just damage my expensive new car. In reality he did all the damage to my knew car with his macho driving style (never paid for any of it of course) and I haven't made a scratch so far.

My ex will keep going around in circles bumping his head into reality and never learning his lesson. That'll go for your ex as well I guess. In the meantime you're getting ahead in life and at your age you have all the time in the world to find someone that loves you for you. I agree with Real Lady that he might try to pull you back if he sees how good you are doing, or maybe if he sees you dating someone else in the future he might want to break that up by professing his undying love to you. My ex still has the power to pull me off balance, that's trauma bonding but I'll get past that in the end. While you're healing it's best to limit your contact with him as far as possible. Again, I'm so glad to hear you're doing OK.