Worst mom ever

[hell0kitty]

Well, she sucks. We waited our week post mediation for her to "think about things" her week was up on VDay (Of course) and she called to say she thought about it and decided not to move forward with mediation.  She then emailed and informed us that she will not be allowing child 6 to perform in her ballet performance that she has been working on all year.  She said that since it does not fall on our night, she will not be performing and to "see parenting plan"

She knows the performance is in June, and the eval starts in June, so she figures we won't be able to force her hand.  Before we signed her up for ballet, we told BPDex that the performance falls on her night, over a year ago, she said she would be "delighted to allow child to perform" and would "try to accommodate allowing father to attend" 

Child is devastated. This will be the second performance her whole class has done that she will miss out on.  We already invested over $400 in the school and the costumes.  I don't even know how to begin to deal with this or how o explain to a 6 year old that she doesn't get to do it because mom won't allow her to. 

I even reached out to her, and asked to meet.  I've never done this before.  Was met with silence.  I'm sure she is going to claim I'm harassing her now.  I was very nice about it.  I just said "I'd really like to meet you and hear your side of things.  I feel it would be in child's best interest.  Just tell me when and where you would like to meet."

I feel like there should be some kind of emergency motion we can file to get a ruling before it happens. But then wonder if the courts will think Ballet recital is a huge waste of their time.  We have an attorney, she does not, but we only use the attorney to file motions as he is so expensive and we are pretty tapped out. 

I feel so helpless and hands tied.  Why would she do this to her child? 

[DreamGirl]

Well - June is a long ways away.

It really is her choice as unfair as it feels to you. I also don't think you can "force" her to do anything when the event falls on her night. She gets to decide even when the decision doesn't align with what you think is important.

Anyway she can just take SD herself? Maybe just let her go?

Or perhaps hang onto a hope that she'll lose interest, once you don't react to her?

I know if it were us, the hubs would fire back "I'm sorry that you don't feel she shouldn't participate in the recital. Let me know if you change your mind".

My husband knows that when she's talking about something 4 months from now - a lot of the time she's blowing off steam and attempting to get in a confrontation (and pushing buttons) in the right now. She may not be feeling in control right now about an issue, so she willl pick something that is valuable to him (like a planned vacation that's been agreed upon) and bring it up as an issue, because she does have control over it.

It is what it is. If she wants to punish your SO by not allowing her to participate, then she gets to do that. It's a lesson that your SD gets to learn. She too, afterall, will have to answer to her SD as to why.

~DG

[tog]

There are two ways to go. Your SO probably could file a court motion in that time requesting that she be allowed to participate, if he really, really felt strongly about it and was willing to spend the money, but if there is nothing in your court order it may get you bupkis (or maybe a revised court order that says each parent will support the child's activities but then you run the risk that she schedules her for karate lessons in Tiimbuktu on your time so you have to drive her there).

Or you could say to SD, "That's a night you are with Mom, you'll have to talk to her about that," and see what happens. Either way, I wouldn't care more about it than your SO does. He's the one who should talk to her about it, not you.

The reality for pwBPD is that it is usually more about them than about their kids. But I agree with DreamGirl (STOP THE PRESSES!  ), the more energy you give opposing it, the more jollies she gets out of it. If you go route A (court) don't even talk to her about it, just do it.

[hell0kitty]

The only reason I offered to meet with her, is because for the last two years, she has been angry at him because he is with me.  Me coming into the picture is what changed everything for her.  Before me, they were broken up and still worked together etc.  It is the weirdest thing.  She once told him if he were to get rid of me, she would make all of this go away.  (this being the drama) she said I was "too pretty and successful so it made her feel like crap about herself" seriously.  Before this, I would have thought it was a joke, now after 2 years, I understand it is part of being BPD. 

BF even offered to trade a day or not attend if she would promise to let her perform.  No dice. BPDex now believes Ballet is not appropriate and that child would benefit more at a team sport. This is common when it is something we sign her up for, even if it was originally her idea.  If it isn't within walking distance of her place, we are giving her money for it, and she didn't do the signing up, she always eventually "feels it is not appropriate"

[hell0kitty]

ps- her reasoning to the child was "We will be too busy at that time, so you cannot attend"

[DreamGirl]

The only reason I offered to meet with her, is because for the last two years, she has been angry at him because he is with me.  Me coming into the picture is what changed everything for her.  Before me, they were broken up and still worked together etc.  It is the weirdest thing.  She once told him if he were to get rid of me, she would make all of this go away.  (this being the drama) she said I was "too pretty and successful so it made her feel like crap about herself" seriously.  Before this, I would have thought it was a joke, now after 2 years, I understand it is part of being BPD.

 

It's OK to want to meet with her. I did it - she readily agreed to it. I was hoping that I could be a buffer between the anger that was so apparent between my husband and her.  It was a step I had to take in order to realize just how powerless I really am when it comes to their relationship.  

It also meant I had to set some pretty firm boundaries later on when she wanted to involve me in their disputes. I wasn't a buffer, or some grand voice of reason. I was someone she thought could align with her to get her way. It was a real pain to back peddal when it was me who had created the mess in the first place.

BF even offered to trade a day or not attend if she would promise to let her perform.  No dice. BPDex now believes Ballet is not appropriate and that child would benefit more at a team sport. This is common when it is something we sign her up for, even if it was originally her idea.  If it isn't within walking distance of her place, we are giving her money for it, and she didn't do the signing up, she always eventually "feels it is not appropriate"

hell0kitty, you're upset right now. You want her to be able to perform. I'd be upset too.  :'(

The "right" thing to do would be for her to allow it.

A lot of times in these scenarios it's more about a pretty selfish person thinking - what is the "right" thing for me.

If you expect her to do the "right thing" according to your standards - you'll keep feeling this kind of disappointment. (Totally guilty of this over here by the way!)

Unfortunately, she gets to have a say in this ballet thing. It falls on her night. My stepdaughters missed a whole half of a softball season (practices/games/tournaments) when Mama wanted to prove a point.

Its our reality. It's hard. It's not fair to the kiddos.

It's not expecting her to "come around" is what gets me thru. I try really hard not to be so "attached" to outcomes. I expect the worst and hope for the best.

We sign them up and hope she'll help pay. Hope she'll not schedule a vacation on a tournament weekend. Hope she'll give them a ride to practice on her weeks. Hope, hope, hope.

And expect none of it.    

Because that's not who she is. If I don't accept her... .  and expect her to be someone different... .  I spend my life being pretty darn frustrated.

[mamachelle]

Hey Hell0kitty

let me just say it sucks and yes, June is a long way away. And usually these things blow over. What a b**** though, just saying.

When my DDs and SSs are in big performances there are always dress rehearsals. Maybe the dress rehearsal can be her performance?

I know in my area, ice skating and the nutcracker  and plays of course have multiple performance nights. As she gets older, if she really wants to stay in ballet, I'm sure there will be longer runs.

As others have said, aligning with BPDmom creates weird (sometimes dangerous) boundary issues. I have a halfway decent texting and pleasant phone and kid exchange time these days. Thursday I have summer camp registration to deal with and still no word on BPDmom summer plans even though I "reached out" to her in good faith.

sorry you are going through this... .  

[Thunderstruck]

This stinks, but maybe it is just her knee jerk reaction and she'll come around. It's very frustrating living in chaos where you can never plan on people keeping their word.

My SO's uBPDx tends to not let D8 participate in anything at all, I guess because she perceives the other moms as being hostile towards her or some excuse or another. It's heartbreaking, the D8 would benefit so much from team sports or activities (Girl Scouts, dance, sports, etc). Especially at this age.

[bpdex]

My standard answer to our S12 if there is an activity going on that is on a weekend he's supposed to be at xBPDw's house is simply letting him know that he won't be able to participate.  (She lives about 3 hours away)  To which, he usually responds, "Can I call Mom and ask her?"  Unless its going to be holiday or something, I usually let him make the call.  Mind you, I don't like that our S12 has to be in the middle when it comes to trying to rearrange his schedule to accommodate these activities, but if I were to ask I'd never get a response or the answer would be No every time.  So letting him make the call to ask seems to be the most effective way to make it happen in my situation.

It shouldn't be that way, but it is... .  

[david]

She said she would be "delighted to allow child to perform". Do you have that in an email or some kind of documentation. If so you can probably file a motion in court and handle it without a lawyer. You have to figure out how it has to be done but if she agreed in an email or some form of documentation I would think a judge would give you the time without any makeup time.

[tog]

The other issue to be mindful of is that she probably realizes how totally into the ballet that YOU are and is showing you who the real parent is, the one who has control.  I could see her feeling very threatened by the idea of going to that performance and hearing how much you have done for SD to get her ready.

I'm sure it's hard in the case of a little step-kid, but IMO, the best role for a stepmom is in the backseat. Even healthy women feel threatened by their ex's new partners and if you and SD are having bonding time over ballet, I could see a BPDmom pulling the plug on that very quickly. 2 summers ago, SS (then 10) and I spent the day together on my day off and because of that, BPDmom went to court to get a ROFR in place (even after she tried to leave SS with her boyfriend while she left the country prior to me spending the day with him). She was very threatened by my role in SS's life. Now, not so much, because she knows I am only ":)ad's girlfriend" not any kind of mother figure to SS. Even though he likes me, she knows now that I won't step on her toes.

These are jealous, insecure women who will definitely hurt the child to protect their own fragile sense of self. If I were you, I'd stay out SD's stuff except as a transport and a support to your SO. Let BPDmom be in the spotlight and let SO deal with her directly.  It's typical for many men to find a woman to care for their kids but SO needs to be the primary parent.

[hell0kitty]

Spoke to the attorney, we do have her original consent in writing and he says we can file a motion. Will cost us another $300 but we are gonna make it happen.  It is too important to kiddo, so we decided to try to win this battle for her.

[Rose1]

Would it be better to do it closer to the time? Save going to court twice.

[hell0kitty]

It takes 21 days from the time we file and then another two weeks, so really, since we are already looking at filing in March, we should have a resolve by mid may.

[mamachelle]

Also make sure SD is with you when the motion is filed and BPDmom is notified if possible.

This may not go over so well  . i understand this is important to your SD -- so good that you are taking action on her behalf.  I can't imagine this looks good for BPDmom in court either. Who restricts ballet? I mean if it was rock climbing but this just seems so ridiculous to the outside world I'm sure. Also with ballet performance night in mind, I'd keep your gossip with other moms to a minimum ... Good luck and keep us posted.

[motherof1yearold]

   I could have just typed that entire thing! Wow! Well my ex husband is BPD and we have 50/50 parenting. Today was my great grandmother's 96 birthday celebration , and also not my day. He was informed 3 months in advance and literally begged. I told him I would give him anything to let her see her great great grandmother before she is no longer with us. (She is having health problems , just got out of the hospital) It was so painful to hear my great grandmother's disappointment on her own birthday. It was actually a family reunion as well, so she missed out on alot and my great grandmother said seeing the baby was what she was really looking forward to on her birthday  

In the past I have been very cooperative with ex about things, he is now a 'born again christian' all of a sudden and takes her to church on his days, well some sundays I would let him take her on MY day even bearing in mind that we have different religions. Since he will not reciprocate, in more serious matters, I will not do that anymore. Not to be vindictive or hurt the baby but he only takes her to church to drop her off in the nursery and play the drums, so she isn't missing much.

Sorry I started to ramble but I just want you to know that you are not alone. This is a significant mistake she made that will hurt her child, and make her "look bad" in court. That is terrible, I'm sorry. That is extreme control, it's just sick.

[hell0kitty]

That is so sad that your child missed the 96th birthday party!  I'm so sorry.  I'm hopeful that in court next week the judge will force her hand.  Basically, she has just been digging her hole deeper with her emails.  They all add up to saying: "Unless the activity is within walking distance of my home or work D6 will never attend"

If we get the same judge as last time, he won't let that fly.  At the last hearing he looked at her and said "What, you don't feel like driving?" but he seemed to believe it would get worked out in mediation before now.  BPDex had her chance, she refused to mediate.  Fingers crossed it is the same guy! We have a 1 in 3 chance.

[motherof1yearold]

Thank you.

I do hope you get the same judge, however you should keep in mind if you do , the judge most likely will not even remember your case :/ (Just what my attorney told me)

Court battles are hard, but most of the time with BPDers you can count on mediation failing or not occurring in the first place. It's unfortunate but the way it is. Court puts your child's schedule out of the hands of the parents. When mediating with person with BPD they (atleast in my case!) will NOT budge whatsoever from their outlandish demands and force you into court. I don't know if your attorney is experienced with high conflict divorce/child custody but mine turned out not to be, and I was always the "under dog" despite ex's terrible actions.

Mediation is much better financially then going to court, and you have more control, though you don't have much wiggle room with controlling BPD person. Try to mediate, and if not, always be prepared for court battle now or in the future.

Good luck!

[motherof1yearold]

Oh and I must add- Emergency motions are for REAL emergencies, not discounting what has happened , because that is terrible she would do that but the way the COURT looks at it is quite different... .  with my 1 year old she was with held from me by ex for 30 days waiting on an emergency hearing. They cancelled my hearing because it was not a dependency case, as in no child protective services involved or abuse occurring, they basically didn't give a rat's *** which parent had the child, and there was nothing I could do about it. I missed an entire month breastfeeding and she had never been away from my side for even 5 minutes, hardest thing ever... .  just remember BPD persons tend to use the children as weapons , to take them away to cause you pain. It is sad but true and I didn't think it would happen to me and got burned!