Seeing Improvement - Switch to Staying Board?

[fakename]

hey daze,

thanks again for writing... .  

i feel like at my core, i dont want to live in a life that has irrational arguing or where i have to do 90% of the work. i want to be loved and tended to back... .  and she didnt really give me that.  but i think i still dont want to give up, probably because of my own insecurities... .  

your post was pretty powerful. especially when you said you would not marry him again.  could you elaborate on that?

i have heard my mom say the same thing about my dad, just because they are different people and my dad has a temper and is controlling. he's eased up a lot since when i was a kid, but it still comes out once in a while. i think he thinks he can get his way if he bullies.

i'm afraid of trying to be in a r/s with my ex, even though she too has wonderful qualities, just because i dont want to live a life of mostly unhappiness, which she obviously has the capability of offering me.

also i do not want to be the one to reach out to her to have that conversation because she's the one who lied to me which is why i broke up with her, and i dont want to be the one to get on my knees. i feel she should be the one to explain herself and be honest. i think that she wont respect me if i'm the one to go back to her.

i dont think me doing that is a control thing, i just feel like she stepped over the boundaries and has to pay the consequence or at least show some remorse and acknowledge what she did was wrong... .  

[fakename]

arabella,

thanks for writing.

unfortunately i cant really afford a therapist at the moment. (unemployed - which i understand made it hard for her to be with me)

which also makes me question as to maybe she isnt BPD and maybe she just needed someone who can take care of her financially or see herself having a life with.  but the manner in which she did things, make me think she is BPD. or maybe she's just a lonely girl.  sometimes i try to justify how she acted, and sometimes i try to console my hurt by blaming it on a disorder.  who knows.

when you speak of BPD episodes, how long do they last?

i dont recall m ex getting angry for more than an hour or so, after we would talk. then i think she would internally try to understand why she was acting the way she was and silently acknowledge fault, while still making me take the blame... as long as i took the blame, then everything was ok.

i'm fighting hard against not emailing her back today.  i just keep telling myself not to, cause she was the wrong that was wrong, and continues to do wrong by giving her attention to others. is that selfish and irrational of me? considering i didnt reply to her attempt at contact, so she has the right to try to date others?

what bothers me, is that i'm not doing that, instead i'm trying to figure out my flaws... .  

[arabella]

fakename,

Being unemployed is hard, isn't it? That's where I'm at right now too and the added stress isn't helping anything.

Honestly, it doesn't really matter if she had BPD or not. It's just a diagnosis, you have to respond to the individual, not the label, and every pwBPD is different.

A true 'episode', as opposed to just a flare of temper or immediate reaction (which I think is what you're probably describing), can last for a day or I've experienced it up to a 5 month stretch. As I understand the term to be used on this forum, episodes are not just arguments or periods of conflict/need, but rather extended dysregulation characterized by extremely distorted thinking and abnormal behaviour patterns. I think the duration depends on how dysregulated the person is and, to some extent, the responses that they get from us.

If you want the relationship to work, I think you may need to let go of who was right/wrong. In a normal relationship, each partner can take full responsibility for his/her actions, sincerely apologize, analyze, etc. However, if you are dealing with a pwBPD this is not the way it works and you will have to accept that. You will continually have to sacrifice being 'right' in order to maintain the relationship because she simply can't cope.

It sounds as if you may be trying to punish her for her behaviour? I understand that desire (oh do I ever)! But that never works out the way you want it to. The only person who suffers in that situation is you. She will use your actions as justification and be even LESS likely to change her way of thinking about the matter. You can't win that game. Remember, the only person you can control is YOU. So figuring out your own flaws and working to understand yourself isn't a bad thing, just be careful that you don't go overboard.

[fakename]

hey arabella,

thanks for writing.

haha, yes being unemployed is tough, but i think the relationship with my ex helped me evolve in many ways in terms of patience, and not being hard on myself and dealing with frustration.  i'm doing all that i can to find a job, and no reason to let negativity eat me up over that.

i dont think i've ever seen an episode from my ex... .  unless her leaving me to go try to be in a relationship with someone else for a year counts? otherwise, i think i've always only experience flares of tempers or immediate reactions... i've always been able to calm those down by maintaining my calm, expressing understanding and affection and accepting blame.

i get what youre saying about letting go of who is right and wrong. and in the r/s it got to the point where i was fine with accepting blame for everything, because thats what she needed.  but i guess that hurts when being broken up because i want my efforts to be appreciated.

i dont think i want to punish her. i do forgive her for all she's done and i forgive myself for all i've done. i think it goes back to me needing to be appreciated or feel wanted and not used. thats why i felt its important not to reply to her lame chantix email.  i feel like it's just a powerplay for her to make sure i'm still her puppet. rather than her actually saying i want to be with you and will do what i have to, to make it work. 

i feel like i want to reply to her and try to get it to work, but i cant for the above reason, and also cause she could very easily be with someone else right now and i fear the rejection. 

and knowing all this, i question why i even want to be in a r/s with her.  i am justifying her mis-treatment of me and neglecting myself and how i want to be treated, by blaming it on her having BDS. 

she doesnt meet my needs, and i dont meet hers either.

[arabella]

The one year she left could have been an episode, or it could have been something else. It probably doesn't really matter how you label it. It just sort of sucks either way!

You sound like you have already found your answers, fakename, and are just struggling to accept them. She doesn't sound like she is ready to do the work necessary to make a relationship work, long-term, with you or anyone else. And BPD should never be an excuse to neglect yourself or to justify mis-treatment - it's a reason, not an excuse. It can alter how you perceive the pwBPD's actions but a diagnosis can't fix a relationship that is inadequate to meet your needs.

[fakename]

thanks for all the support arabella... .  

yeah i too feel like i have my answer, but i'm not letting go. and that is what is bringing me all the pain i've been going through since she sent me that chantix email.  before that email, i was fine with her moving on and didnt care who she was with. after that email, it's bothering me and i'm wondering who is she with right now... .  

not letting go is giving me the most pain, i'm still holding onto her and hope. and holding onto the idea of her that i've created and hope will come. 


i cant separate which of my feelings/pain  i'm going through are normal after a breakup, and what is there after a BPD breakup.


i feel most of what is egging me on is missing her affection, laying around and massaging her while watching a movie, the attention she needed, and of course her body. 

it hurts that deep down i know her email was sent on thursday in an attempt to make me think about her over the weekend, to probe into whether i'm still her puppet or not, and her not contacting me since is her waiting to see if i'll cave in and message her back. its all a game and manipulation and i dont deserve it.

what i did deserve was her not to date others, especially while trying to play this game, and i deserved an explanation on why she lied and why she went on that date.  she doesn't want to fess up to that and admit she lied.

[arabella]

What you deserve is to be kind to yourself and move on to a healthy relationship where you will be fully appreciated! But in order to do that, you'll have to move past this experience (way easier said than done). Maybe the 'Leaving' board would be helpful to you? I know I've looked there and found some good advice on staying strong, healing, and resisting the temptation to fall back in.

While you may deserve an explanation, I would bet that she can't give you one. If she has BPD then she likely doesn't even know herself why she did what she did. Even if you got an explanation, it probably wouldn't be accurate. That level of self-awareness just isn't there, and admitting to things and accepting responsibility isn't the same for a pwBPD as it is for you or I. You are asking for something that she truly can't provide.

[fakename]

arabella,

i feel like i am getting closer to leaving for good, but there's still something holding me back.

i think its mostly just not wanting to give up on her. even though i know i deserve and can get 'better'...

maybe its also that i like girls that like attention and affection, and she craved both of those. 

[arabella]

fakename,

You aren't giving up, you're letting go. Sometimes it's the best thing for everyone. On the other hand, don't force yourself to do something you aren't comfortable with - you need to be in the right place and the right mindset or you won't be able to leave anyway. I don't really think of finding someone 'better' - just someone more compatible. As they say, "comparison is the thief of joy".

The only girls I know who don't like attention and affection are in therapy for other disorders.