SD4 is not big enough for a booster seat in a car

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Grrrrrrrrr! I am so frustrated. We had our exchange last night with SD4 and BPDxw. She came up to me and said she had "done some research and SD4 is not big enough for a booster seat in a car." My husband is in law enforcement and has to know this stuff. When we took SD4 to the doctor, he said she should be in a booster. I guess BPDxw used google and decided that SD4 isn't big enough.

I think she and captain felon broke up because she is trying to be a mom this week. She has started to call the house on multiple occasions one day. The last time she did that was when she was single.

She pays no child support. She has never called kiddo's preschool. She has no idea about her child's day to day life and now she cares? 

[newlymarried]

Grrrrrrrrr! I am so frustrated. We had our exchange last night with SD4 and BPDxw. She came up to me and said she had "done some research and SD4 is not big enough for a booster seat in a car." My husband is in law enforcement and has to know this stuff. When we took SD4 to the doctor, he said she should be in a booster. I guess BPDxw used google and decided that SD4 isn't big enough.

I think she and captain felon broke up because she is trying to be a mom this week. She has started to call the house on multiple occasions one day. The last time she did that was when she was single.

She pays no child support. She has never called kiddo's preschool. She has no idea about her child's day to day life and now she cares? 

[DreamGirl]

Grrrrrrrrr! I am so frustrated. We had our exchange last night with SD4 and BPDxw. She came up to me and said she had "done some research and SD4 is not big enough for a booster seat in a car." My husband is in law enforcement and has to know this stuff. When we took SD4 to the doctor, he said she should be in a booster. I guess BPDxw used google and decided that SD4 isn't big enough.

I think she and captain felon broke up because she is trying to be a mom this week. She has started to call the house on multiple occasions one day. The last time she did that was when she was single.

She pays no child support. She has never called kiddo's preschool. She has no idea about her child's day to day life and now she cares?  

Boyfriend = not a lot of attention

No boyfriend = a lot of attention

I get that.  

You believe that the booster is safe for her. Mama doesn't think so. State laws are usually pretty clear cut and concise (i.e 4 years old and over 40lbs). It kinda is what it is.

If it were me and the hubs:

"Thanks for the heads up, I know we both want her to be safe. I checked with her Doctor (or whatever professional) just to be sure and he says that the booster seat is in compliance for her size and weight. If you feel better purchasing a different seat that you think is better, I'd be willing to use it, but I don't think it's necessary."

 

I don't think this about the booster seat, though.  

Your frustration sounds like you don't like when she comes around trying to be a Mama when she's not very good at it? I don't know that you'll ever be able to change that pattern (no boyfriend = micromanaging). My stepkiddos' Mama still does it and it's been 10 years. I know it's hard on the kiddos when it comes to dealing with that pattern. My stepdaughters also have gained a really good perspective that they have lowered expectations when mama has a brand new boyfriend. They know her focus will shift - and they've adapted to it. They aren't disappointed at that point.

I know that you've said before that you wish you could just have full custody of your stepdaughter and that Mama would just go away. I also understand the frustration that we experience when you've put in the hard work only to be criticized. Do you think that it scares you a little bit when she starts behaving like a Mama should? That maybe she's here to stay?

[newlymarried]

I don't think she has the intestinal fortitude to stay. As soon as she has to start meeting us halfway for an exchange, she started giving up lots of parenting time. I am frustrated because she doesn't care enough to find out about her really amazing kiddo, but cares enough to criticize. My husband didn't come with me to the exchange because she is single and will behave inappropriately with him.

The dogs that she locked in a room with kiddo, she asked to pet. When she approached the car, one of the dogs ran to the opposite end to get away from her. I feel like she would like to encroach on my life, and it makes me angry.

[DreamGirl]

I don't think she has the intestinal fortitude to stay. As soon as she has to start meeting us halfway for an exchange, she started giving up lots of parenting time. I am frustrated because she doesn't care enough to find out about her really amazing kiddo, but cares enough to criticize. My husband didn't come with me to the exchange because she is single and will behave inappropriately with him.

The dogs that she locked in a room with kiddo, she asked to pet. When she approached the car, one of the dogs ran to the opposite end to get away from her. I feel like she would like to encroach on my life, and it makes me angry.

I'm sorry that you feel like she's encroaching on your life. I know that in many ways it seems like it would be better if she just disappeared. It's not really how it works though, and wishing her away is a practice in using our own coping skills when it comes to dealing with a difficult person in our life.  

It is still her daughter and an absent parent can be just as destructive as a present one.

I'm sorry, but I don't think she's going anywhere, NM. I also think you're experiencing what a lot of stepmoms do in these situations when we are feeling powerless when it comes to our stepkiddos. Normal in that are feelings of anger, frustration, injustice, loss... .  it's almost like the grief process.

These are our babies and we want them to be OK and a parent with mental illness often presents various risk factors in the children's development.

 

It's a pretty hard pill to swallow.

I also think it's better to deal with the reality of the situation in that a pwBPD is going to struggle at being a mama, but that she's still their mama, and we have no choice but to help our kids deal with that fact.

It doesn't help in the present moment though, I know.

-DG

[mamachelle]

Hi newlymarried

I think you may come to see this as a pattern. If your Sd mom is like my SS mom she really struggles with things like discipline, routine, structure, school work, schedules. She would either have Disney weekends or the boys would come back completely bored and disheveled and lord knows what has been done or said or what they had seen... .  It was never like oh we went to the library or we just cleaned a bit or anything boring but stable... Not sure if it makes sense but let her play mom and don't worry to much.

Once your SD is in school you'll be the one handling all the boring stuff that parenting -- not just being a parent--- is all about.

Kids and moms often have these very strong mother attachments or connections  that appear to be broken but are still there even with absent/mentally ill. It's best not to wish it away but to foster your own new connections with SD.

When BPDmom moved across the country to be with an abusive now exBF and her mother--- all 3 of my SS suffered some very diffucult times in their own way. Also if mom moves across country even if you try for sole custody SD would still have visitation possibly for weeks at a time without you guys around... .  So be careful what you wish for... .  as hang in there... .  

[tog]

newlymarried,

I'd be happy to trade situations with you. In our case, my SO's uN/BPDstbxw has kept SS13 away from his father for 3-4 week stretches at a time alleging abuse, has tried to cut him completely out of all school participation, has thoroughly damaged their relationship with alienation and has cost us 30-40k in legal expenses just to protect our time with him, which is always in danger.

In her mind, SS is hers and hers alone and she should have the right to all parenting. SO can "visit" now and then, but on her terms and at her convenience.

In your case, BPDmom does "hit and run parenting" because it makes her feel less ashamed for having abandoned her kid and enables her to protect herself with the defense that she "could do a better job if she chose to". I'd say just what DG said, "Thanks. We talked to the pediatrician and did our research and we've determined the booster seat is just fine."

Your SD will be hurt by having a mom like her, but much less than if she actually DID decide to parent (which she might, sometime). There's no making it go away, there's only learning to live with it.

[newlymarried]

Thanks, everyone. It is good to know that I am not alone in this.

Tog, the only reason we have SD4 most of the time is because BPDxw was on a meth binge during the divorce and my husband told her that if she tried for more time, he would ask for a hair follicle test. She is a very low functioning BPD. My husband now regrets not getting sole custody during the divorce. I do too.

I am very proud of SD4 she just learned to write her name and it breaks my heart that her mom wouldn't be proud of her for that.

[tog]

Sad as it is, the low functioning ones are perhaps "easier" to deal with. At least you can prove the damage and neglect. 

Can't he go file for sole custody now? Start keeping logs... .  

[DreamGirl]

I am very proud of SD4 she just learned to write her name and it breaks my heart that her mom wouldn't be proud of her for that.

She does have people who are very proud of her. She has a caring stepmama and a great Dad too. That will help her in this. It really will.

Try to find a little solace in that.

It's hard to let go of the parent we want them to be and accept the parent that they are. One of my biggest hurdles was realizing that she has to want it for herself, to therapeutically deal with her "emotional issues". My wanting it for her was not enough. I wanted it more.  

It is a great lesson we teach our children when we are able to display this very concept though.

It helps their little hearts not be broken. It teaches them not to be let down. It helps them accept their disordered parent as someone who isn't very good at being a parent.

There is an important lesson to be learned in that just because a parent struggles at loving them doesn't meant that they aren't worthy of a parent's love. My stepdaughters mama just doesn't know how to function in relationships. That has nothing to do with them and everything to do with her.

~DreamGirl

[newlymarried]

Can't he go file for sole custody now? Start keeping logs... .  

We have mediation in a year and a half. If she keeps missing her parenting time, forgetting to call and not actually being involved in kiddo's life; we will try for sole custody.

[newlymarried]

DG, I am thankful for your response. I have read a lot of what you've posted here and I try to learn from you. I am newly married and newly stepmom.

It is hard for me because BPD is a relational disorder and a relationship between a mother and daughter should be sacrosanct. BPDexw has abandoned SD4 so many times in kiddos' short life, that I don't know how it isn't going to affect kiddo negatively. Kiddo remember being locked in a room for hours. Kiddo remembers seeing mommy smoke meth. BPDexw doesn't know that kiddo remembers. I try to be an emotionally safe place for kiddo because her mommy is so unstable.

[DreamGirl]

DG, I am thankful for your response. I have read a lot of what you've posted here and I try to learn from you. I am newly married and newly stepmom.

It is hard for me because BPD is a relational disorder and a relationship between a mother and daughter should be sacrosanct. BPDexw has abandoned SD4 so many times in kiddos' short life, that I don't know how it isn't going to affect kiddo negatively. Kiddo remember being locked in a room for hours. Kiddo remembers seeing mommy smoke meth. BPDexw doesn't know that kiddo remembers. I try to be an emotionally safe place for kiddo because her mommy is so unstable.

My heart hurts for my stepdaughters sometimes too.

Still.  

And it's been ten years.

Having a mother who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder will negatively affect your SD, newlymarried. You can't stop it. If she's here, she will affect her. If she's gone, she will affect her.

One thing that works for me, that helps my heart ache a little less... .  is that I try not to "moralize" it too much. I try not to see their mom as a "bad" parent or "negatively" affecting her daughters. Just a "struggling parent" whose "parenting skills are affecting" her daughters. I try to remember that the strongest, beautiful little souls who live down the hall from me wouldn't be who they are had their mother not been their mother. It's just a practice in acceptance... .  of her. Of them. I love them no matter what.  

You are also absolutely right in that BPD is a disorder that manifests itself mostly in the relationships surrounding the pwBPD. The abandonment issues and the inability to regulate emotions does not allow the skill set to be the kind of mother who loves her daughter without conditions and selfishness. It just doesn't.

It's hard for you, as a woman with natural mothering instincts, to grasp how a mother could not love her daughter in the capacity you love your stepdaughter.  A wise soul here told me once that she doesn't know how to love herself, and you just can't give others what you can't give yourself. That helped me realize that if she could? She probably would.

You will be the soft place for your SD to land, NM, and she will need it. We can't save them from the reality of having a mentally ill parent, no matter how much we want to. We can only help them stay safe (which it sounds like you've done) and help them build up their resilience in this. It's her Mama and it's just her natural instinct to love her mama and want her mama to love her back.

It is just her path.

~DG

[newlymarried]

I am thinking about getting the book, "understanding a borderline mother" because I would like a little clarity in this situation. She called and tried to yell at my husband today over the car seat. She tried to yell at him over me as well, which is rather amusing because I didn't say anything to her at the exchange.

[Free One]

Hi newlymarried

I think you may come to see this as a pattern. If your Sd mom is like my SS mom she really struggles with things like discipline, routine, structure, school work, schedules. She would either have Disney weekends or the boys would come back completely bored and disheveled and lord knows what has been done or said or what they had seen... .  It was never like oh we went to the library or we just cleaned a bit or anything boring but stable... Not sure if it makes sense but let her play mom and don't worry to much.

Once your SD is in school you'll be the one handling all the boring stuff that parenting -- not just being a parent--- is all about.

This is the same pattern I experience with my exupdh with S8.

[newlymarried]

SD4 is in preschool and my husband and I are involved with the school. Once a month I go in and stay for circle time. SD4 has made friends and is at or exceeding where she should be in school. Her mom hasn't a clue about any of this, she's never called the school. She disneylands SD4 every visit. SD4 comes home with an upset stomach and exhausted.

I am doing the parenting stuff. I am setting up play dates and reading SD4 bedtime stories. BPDxw is only tangentially involved, but it is enough to cause disruption and chaos in our lives.

[mamachelle]

Hi newlymarried

I know having a BPD parent tangentially involved is really confusing. The pwBPD chaos just infests every interaction they have with the kiddos and with their own world.

My 3SS come back from spending time with their BPDmom and they will have ideas like they should start TaeKwanDo or Irish Dancing (yes, my SSnow 15 who is dx with upper body weakness and lack of muscle coordination and on the autism spectrum- she told me she thought he should be in Irish Dancing when he was 10). Mom has ideas about family and picket fences and loyalty which means that her SS should be respectful of her even when she is behaving badly. She tells them stories about when she was pregnant and about their early birthdays that make me want to vomit. She constantly talks up family resemblances. She has no grasp on their school work. When she lived closer the boys would go over EOW sort of-- and their backpacks would not be opened and their rotting lunches and untouched schoolwork would be in there all congealing when we got them home on Monday night. When she dropped them off at school she would stop at Dunkin Donuts and the kids would all be late or nauseous or both. She often begged DH for money so she could have them on her weekends because she was broke. We don't pay child support because H is residential parent. If her cable was turned off it was an emergency and she could not take them... .  The list goes on and on. The possible ways a pwBPD can screw up parenting is endless and completely personal to your story as well as universal when you start reading the stories of other parents on these boards.

Not trying to depress you, but just saying that being the involved, engaged stepmom is a thankless job for the most part. My SS though at 6 years in to this blended family, they all trust me. I am the one they come to when they are sick or need help with anything from rebooting their kindle to scheduling an appointment with their guidance counselor. I also get yelled at and blamed when things don't work out, but as they get older and more mature they all "get it". That to me, and the peace I have with myself knowing I have done a good job, makes it worth it.

Hi Free One

Yes I am also a mom who has a BPDexh. My kids would have that pattern when he had visitation with them. So I am familiar with the Dad version of that too. I remember one time he was at a little local amusement park (Disney weekend) with my DD then 5 and 8 (now 13 and 16)and he called me upset because DD5 did not want to leave and so he was there for too long. He was angry at DD5 . I said, just tell her it's time to go and pick her up and start walking... .  Basic boring parenting is so hard for some pwBPD.

FYI-- I actually now use a number of homeopathic remedies with my family and one  called NuxVomica  does really help with kids belly aches and general feeling of anxiety esp after being with parent wBPD. Since the EOW visits have stopped the kids all get sick a lot less.

[newlymarried]

We have an EOW with BPDxw and SD4 becomes a lot more clingy right before the visit. When we get into the car Saturday morning, she'll look for any excuse to come back and get something she forgot. The last time we went, she wanted to come back and give the dogs hugs. She has started with delay tactics and I don't know what to do. I believe it is because she doesn't really want to go, but I also don't know if that is just my projection.

It is emotionally draining have BPDxw involved. MY SD4 told her mom that we are going to the beach and now I am afraid that she will try and ruin it. My husband was never able tot take vacations while married to BPDxw because she would take the money for drugs and booze. SD4 and my husband have a chance and normal family stuff and because BPDxw heard about it, I am worried that she will try and make kiddo afraid of the beach 

[DreamGirl]

We have an EOW with BPDxw and SD4 becomes a lot more clingy right before the visit. When we get into the car Saturday morning, she'll look for any excuse to come back and get something she forgot. The last time we went, she wanted to come back and give the dogs hugs. She has started with delay tactics and I don't know what to do. I believe it is because she doesn't really want to go, but I also don't know if that is just my projection.

Is there something of comfort she can take with her? A picture of her dogs? A teddy bear? A blanket?

Also lots and lots of encouragement help. "Two sleeps and I'll see you again" or "I bet mom has something fun planned for you"

My stepdaughters' Mama was the one who became clingy when they would come to spend time at our house on the weekends. It was a lot of dramatics and crying - by mama and kiddos. Exhausting.  

In my volunteer work (supervised parenting), we and the parents were trained to encourage the kiddos to be excited about the visit at exchange. Kids actually are pretty resilient creatures who know how to adapt. I used to set my 3 year old on my lap to park the car in the driveway to his daycare to get him in a different mindset ("you gonna drive for me buddy?". He went from crying about his Mama leaving him - to being excited to go.

I know you don't want her to go, and in essence, you're her mama (doing all the mama stuff) and so it's probably hard for her to leave you (and Dad). Do you think there is something you can do to make the transition go smoother?

[newlymarried]

She has 3 comfort items that go with her on every trip. I always tell her that I will see you tomorrow and that it is just one sleep and then she comes back home. It is the sad backwards glance that I get that just tears me up.

If kiddo and her mom spend any length of time together in the parking lot when we get her back, there are histrionics. I get totally get that exhausting thing 

Being a stepmom is probably that hardest thing that I have ever done. I have only been at this for a year and I hope it gets a little easier.

[tog]

It might get easier... .  and it might not. My advice would be to make sure your H is the one doing the primary parenting, not only you. It's his daughter and it's not uncommon for stepkids to start to resent a stepparent that does all the discipline, especially if the BPDmom in your case is the type to tell SD4 "she's not your mommy," "you don't have to listen to her," etc, etc.

It depends a lot on the kid's personality but some kids get fiercely protective of their BPDparent, and others realize quite early that something isn't right and they bond with the healthier parent. Hope for the latter, but you really never know. My SO thought he and his son had a great, strong relationship 3 years ago and now we are at the point where SS13 lies to protect his mother, tells everyone his father is abusive, etc... .  

These pwBPD have a lot of toxic power and being a stepparent is hard. If your H does the primary parenting with you helping, that's the best way, otherwise, you may begin to resent HIM, too.

[newlymarried]

It might get easier... .  and it might not. My advice would be to make sure your H is the one doing the primary parenting, not only you. It's his daughter and it's not uncommon for stepkids to start to resent a stepparent that does all the discipline, especially if the BPDmom in your case is the type to tell SD4 "she's not your mommy," "you don't have to listen to her," etc, etc.

When BPDxw found outthat I was living with my husband, she told SD4 so often that she came back and told me "newlymarried doesn't love you." That was so hurtful. Kiddo know that isn't true. My husband work and I am doing a lot of the parenting. I should be starting school in the Fall and that means I won't be home and my husband will be picking up the slack.

We are lucky that BPDxw has kiddo for such a short amount of time because the damage is limited. She only has 2 overnights per month a week during vacation times and 2 months during the summer. The divorce is so new that Christmas was the first wekk that BPDxw and kiddo spent a week together, and they both seemed relieved when it was over. Kiddo came home after that week saying "mommy doesn't listen." It is very hard to disneyland a kiddo for a whole week and during that time have the kiddo not hear no. Kiddo is smart and if she knows that she'll get everything she asks for her demands will get more outlandish. She doesn't nap while she is there and she doesn't hear no. By then end of a week I could only imagine what a holy terror she was for BPDxw.

[DreamGirl]

Self care should always be #1 priority. It's the old oxygen mask analogy - so do try and pay attention when you are constantly feeling angry, resentful, hurt, etc. Especially when fear is involved and becomes dominating to our actions - that can lead to a lot of heartache and suffering.  According to Yoda, Fear is the path to the dark side.  

I also get wanting to "make up" for the shortcomings of a Mama who struggles a whole lot. There is balance for all of us to be found though. My own personal journey involved a great therapist that made me realize that my Super Stepmom Cape had a lot to do with my own upbringing. I suffered from a rescuer-type thinking where if I rescued my Stepdaughters from their evil mom, then somehow I was making up for my little 7 year old self who was let down by her own disordered parent.

That self-awareness has helped me ten-fold.  

We are lucky that BPDxw has kiddo for such a short amount of time because the damage is limited. She only has 2 overnights per month a week during vacation times and 2 months during the summer. The divorce is so new that Christmas was the first wekk that BPDxw and kiddo spent a week together, and they both seemed relieved when it was over. Kiddo came home after that week saying "mommy doesn't listen." It is very hard to disneyland a kiddo for a whole week and during that time have the kiddo not hear no. Kiddo is smart and if she knows that she'll get everything she asks for her demands will get more outlandish. She doesn't nap while she is there and she doesn't hear no. By then end of a week I could only imagine what a holy terror she was for BPDxw.

I think having reasonable expectations helps.

Less stress for the pwBPD in my life = easier for everyone.

I think you are absolutely right that the reduced time with Mama is absolutely minimizing the potential damage(especially if she self-medicates and leaves her daughter alone). She's shown that extended periods of time prove to be too much for her. It's not uncommon where a mentally ill parent will continue to get "visitation" - as long as it's minimal/supervised. Exposure is sometimes a key component for children to be able to best "accept" their disordered parent - for who they are are (and are not).

I think my stepdaughters are thriving for the most part - or at least in the lower percentile of issues due to their disordered mama. They know Dad = a lot of what a parent should be; and Mom =  well... .  Mom.

You'll see a lot of the heartache here on the boards when it comes to the adult children of a pwBPD as being hurt, angry, and disappointed.

There is a whole process of mourning the disordered parent's inabilities as a parent (nuturing, unconditional love, priority of the child, etc.)  I think there is great value in pushing acceptance in the younger years (before they become adults and understand better the dysfunction) saying things like "Mommy is who she is and it's OK to love her" but still being able to say things like "it's OK to be mad at your Mom" or "it's OK to have your own opinion on that even when Mom says you're wrong".  

Here's a good book recommendation if you're interested for your SD's age:

Sometimes My Mommy Gets Angry

~DreamGirl

[newlymarried]

DG, I think you and I have a lot in common. My dad was NPD. I am a nurse, so the rescuer/caregiver impulse is very strong with me. I do want SD4 to have a mom she can rely on, and it can't be her biomom. Kiddo has started slipping and calling me mom and I don't know what to do about it. I have always encouraged her to call me by my first name.

[DreamGirl]

A fellow rescuer!  

DG, I think you and I have a lot in common. My dad was NPD. I am a nurse, so the rescuer/caregiver impulse is very strong with me. I do want SD4 to have a mom she can rely on, and it can't be her biomom.

The hardest lesson for me to learn... .  and practice?

I'm not their savior. No more then could anyone have saved me.  

I'm also kind of a cool lady. I wouldn't be who I am without having a disordered parent. I wouldn't be here talking to you.

It was just my path.

Same with my stepdaughters. They are amazing. Part of that comes from being their mother's daughters.

Kiddo has started slipping and calling me mom and I don't know what to do about it. I have always encouraged her to call me by my first name.

It's probably natural for her - my oldest stepdaughter used to say I was her "second mommy". That surely didn't help the drama in my life coming from the first mommy.  

It's was difficult for me because she has verbalized (what I see as "unhealthy" of my somehow replacing her mom. It's a coping skill (and not a good one) - it's wishing something hard for her would just go away. All that does is cause manifestations into adulthood - she has to deal with her Mama. If not now, she will later. I speak from experience.

I'm just not her Mama. I'm DreamGirl. I'm a stepmom who loves her. It doesn't have to be black and white - we can all be members of the team of adults in her life who want what is best for her. Even her Mama wants what is best for her but this (wretched) disorder just doesn't allow her the skill set to really know what is best for her.

What do you want to do about it? Do you want to allow it? Is something that you can correct her on?

What do you think is best?

~DG

[Free One]

Kiddo has started slipping and calling me mom and I don't know what to do about it. I have always encouraged her to call me by my first name.

It sounds like you have already made a commitment to be in this girl's life by marrying her dad. I wouldn't be too worried about correcting her if she calls you mom. It's not uncommon to get confused (my son accidentally calls me Dad instead of Mom after a weekend with Dad). SD can have two "moms". It may be what she is comfortable with. If it does make you uncomfortable, encourage the name you prefer at a different time, or maybe try Mom (or mama) Newlymarried.

[newlymarried]

We just got a book called "the family book" by Todd Parr and it talks about stepmoms and stepdads. I tell her that I love being her stepmom, but she has a visceral and angry reaction to me being a stepmom. I believe she has been told that stepmoms are bad. I don't want her to call me mom, because it will make her biomom go off the deep end. I do my best to not antagonize the crazy. If kiddo calls me mom while with her biomom, I am afraid that kiddo might get physically abused. So I tell her I am her stepmom and I love being her stepmom. I also tell her that I love being married to her dad. I tell her that I love our little family. So that is what I am doing, I just hope that it is right.

[DreamGirl]

We just got a book called "the family book" by Todd Parr and it talks about stepmoms and stepdads. I tell her that I love being her stepmom, but she has a visceral and angry reaction to me being a stepmom. I believe she has been told that stepmoms are bad. I don't want her to call me mom, because it will make her biomom go off the deep end. I do my best to not antagonize the crazy. If kiddo calls me mom while with her biomom, I am afraid that kiddo might get physically abused. So I tell her I am her stepmom and I love being her stepmom. I also tell her that I love being married to her dad. I tell her that I love our little family. So that is what I am doing, I just hope that it is right.

It's Disney's fault I tell ya! That have demonized stepmoms ever since Cinderella and Snow White.

I think it will make sense to her as she gets older.

I think you're doing great. 

[newlymarried]

awww thanks <kicking the dirt, feet shuffling> I really appreciate  it DG

[mamachelle]

Hi NM and DG

Loving this thread on the whole stepmama world.

Just one question though NM, I re-read this and saw a 

I don't think she has the intestinal fortitude to stay. As soon as she has to start meeting us halfway for an exchange, she started giving up lots of parenting time. I am frustrated because she doesn't care enough to find out about her really amazing kiddo, but cares enough to criticize. My husband didn't come with me to the exchange because she is single and will behave inappropriately with him.

The dogs that she locked in a room with kiddo, she asked to pet. When she approached the car, one of the dogs ran to the opposite end to get away from her. I feel like she would like to encroach on my life, and it makes me angry.

I guess I am concerned that you are going alone on the kid exchange without DH.

I really see this as territory for parents only with step parents along for the ride unless there are extenuating circumstances. Esp with a severely dysregulated BioMom. I don't think given the outcome you describe that having you go alone made the exchange less problematic. I think both of you or him alone is better than you alone.

I also think going back through that maybe your DH can build in some areas that are his territory in parenting and create some rituals with DSD that are just hers and his.

My DH is terrible about doing fun things with his Sons but he does a lot in other areas:

He cooks 85% of the meals in the house. Loves cooking. Makes a big breakfast on Sunday and usually a pretty big one on Saturday as well.

Does a lot of the dishes as well.

Does all the bed time rituals and reading or what have you with SS 8 and 10.

Handles his kids when they wake up scared or sick.

He gets kids up and breakfast and out the door to school.

Helps with homework.

Well, I just had my last reply disappear into cyberspace so I am hitting the post button before it disappears again... .  

[newlymarried]

My DH is a cop with extremely varied hours. I have been going to exchanges by myself since DH and I got married. I am a SAHM so a majority of house and kid related things are mine because he works. This fall I am planning on returning to school and advancing my degree. When that happens, I will not just be a SAHM, I will be a full time student.