Adult Daughter Struggling with Suicidal Death of BPD Mom after No Contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new to this so please keep that in mind. I found out just recently that my BPD mom has passed away. After looking into things we were able to see it was my worse nightmare come true - suicide and all the threats of her hurting herself in response to anytime I would try to do anything without her can rushing to me in a flood.  To make matter worse , her husband who left and divorced her leaving a note in the home blames me for the NC as does her sister.

I found out about the death when she called me to say your mother is dead and I hope you are happy.  I feel like I cannot even breathe with the guilt I feel. I go from feeling relieved about the fact that she can no longer hurt me to feeling such grief for even feeling that relief let alone the blame for her passing. My whole life she hung this over my head, threatening to kill herself in such a way that it would be ruled natural and stating she'd never let me forget what leaving her did to her. She would say when I am gone you will wish you were at my side forever , caring for me the way a loving child should. I loved her so much. I only ever wanted her happiness and approval but never received it and never will. I am having trouble coping because there as no goodbye, no way to say I'm sorry for leaving her when she was in desperate need. I have found out she died in her apartment with no one and was there for weeks. I also found out she stop caring for her pets and they died in the home at or after she did. She said she was going to go with them and I am not sure if this is what she did intentionally or just because there was no food or water in the weeks until she was found.

I am happily married and have a beautiful little child. The NC started as a result of an incident two years ago where she became violent towards me at a birthday party when she wanted to leave my home to go home. She became highly agitated and said she wanted to leave but we were still finishing lunch. When she didn't get her way, she picked up the phone in my house and called 911 to report that she was being held against her will. Before the police arrived as they understandably would considering the call, she had pulled my hair, grabbed at my wrists, slammed me against the door and was about to go for my neck before my husband was able to intervene. The police took her away and the guilt began. I felt horrible that she was sent to jail and tried everything to reason with them not to take her. They did anyway right before the holidays which only added to my guilt. Next I found out that she had contacted my family and said I attacked her and reported the incident for elder abuse. The next call I received was the department of child welfare who stated that my child would have to be interviewed, photographer, and my home investigated because an incidence of domestic violence occurred with her present.

My husband and I met with the case worker and after discussing the incident in detail he suggested she be placed in a facility involuntarily for evaluation. Thankfully he saw that we were good parents and saw my child was not regularly forced to endure such scenes but then also said as a responsible parent it is my first role to protect my child and I was endangering her by having my mother have access to her. He told me to file for an injunction if I did not want to see this repeat and have it lead to her in foster care because I could not break the bond with my mom and I did file and get awarded the injunction even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I had to stand across from her in front of a judge with no council due to the short time frame of appearance and lack of fund and defend my need to have no contact with her. She fought it hard with a jerk lawyer there the whole time. Aside for witness testimony allowed by my husband at the end of the hearing,  I had to do the bigger portion of the hearing alone and I shook with fear the whole time unable to look at her or even speak without hesitation  as she proceeded to twist and turn everything that has every happened between us to victimize herself; painting me to be a monster in front of the judge.  My proudest moment was when I gather my strength and had to ask her questions and was able to say for the first time ever :" Are you going to sit there and deny that you have physically and emotionally abused me my whole life?" Her response was " "I never laid a hand on you" (as expected) and she proceeded to tell the judge that I wanted attention and I was bipolar and made up horrible things about her. I offered the pictures I had of her abusive nature, bruises, scars and so on and  the judge ordered her to be silent. It was the only time I was permitted to speak freely at all about her without risk of fallback and it felt so good. She had to sit there and listen to the pain she caused me and it felt so good to get that out. I don't think she ever thought I would be brave enough to do that and it was so hard.

My closing statement to the judge was me begging him to keep her away from me and my family and I said you have to ask yourself why someone who is showing such contempt for me in these proceedings would fight so hard to not allow me to have an injunction to keep them away from me. It must have clicked because I was awarded the injunction and that was the last time I saw her, was in the same room with her, or spoke with her.

All the progress and confidence , and healing I have been able to do for the past years were wonderful but with her death , that has all gone for now. I am a frazzled, terrified, approval seeking child all over again. I realize what the NC has done to her with her suicide and it is unbearable which is only compounded by my grief. I am uncomfortable being alone in my home as it gives me the time to think about her life and how I wronged her. The guilt is so bad I have dreams of her standing dead in my home screaming at me while I try to make final arrangements and she is telling me how dare you tell people what I did, tell them the truth, you are the problem not me, you are such a liar, you left me and I ll never let you forget it. I can't sleep and I am jolted from my dreams in a sweat panic. They feel so real and it scares me. My only comfort is my amazing friends, family, pets, and keeping routines for social events and the dance practices, field trips etc. I find myself unable to make final arrangements because I hear her voice in the back of my head telling me how I'm doing it all wrong calling me stupid and saying that I am letting her down. I go from feeling relief that she is gone to having so much guilt for her not being there that I am inconsolable. I find myself just wishing to call her and I can't. I find myself wishing to apologize, I cry and scream "I am so sorry Mom" as loud as I can hoping she will hear me. How I feel is only compounded by her enabling sister and drug using ex husband who hold me 100 % responsible. Please let me know if any of this is normal. I feel lost in this grief and teeter from anger to bargaining in my grief and I just want to have that same confidence and self esteem and happiness that I had after the injunction when the NC finally felt like the right choice. With her passing, my fear is I will never be able to live like that and that the guilt will haunt me for life. Please help with your thoughts, experiences, and insights.

[MissLiss1012]

I am new to this so please keep that in mind. I found out just recently that my BPD mom has passed away. After looking into things we were able to see it was my worse nightmare come true - suicide and all the threats of her hurting herself in response to anytime I would try to do anything without her can rushing to me in a flood.  To make matter worse , her husband who left and divorced her leaving a note in the home blames me for the NC as does her sister.

I found out about the death when she called me to say your mother is dead and I hope you are happy.  I feel like I cannot even breathe with the guilt I feel. I go from feeling relieved about the fact that she can no longer hurt me to feeling such grief for even feeling that relief let alone the blame for her passing. My whole life she hung this over my head, threatening to kill herself in such a way that it would be ruled natural and stating she'd never let me forget what leaving her did to her. She would say when I am gone you will wish you were at my side forever , caring for me the way a loving child should. I loved her so much. I only ever wanted her happiness and approval but never received it and never will. I am having trouble coping because there as no goodbye, no way to say I'm sorry for leaving her when she was in desperate need. I have found out she died in her apartment with no one and was there for weeks. I also found out she stop caring for her pets and they died in the home at or after she did. She said she was going to go with them and I am not sure if this is what she did intentionally or just because there was no food or water in the weeks until she was found.

I am happily married and have a beautiful little child. The NC started as a result of an incident two years ago where she became violent towards me at a birthday party when she wanted to leave my home to go home. She became highly agitated and said she wanted to leave but we were still finishing lunch. When she didn't get her way, she picked up the phone in my house and called 911 to report that she was being held against her will. Before the police arrived as they understandably would considering the call, she had pulled my hair, grabbed at my wrists, slammed me against the door and was about to go for my neck before my husband was able to intervene. The police took her away and the guilt began. I felt horrible that she was sent to jail and tried everything to reason with them not to take her. They did anyway right before the holidays which only added to my guilt. Next I found out that she had contacted my family and said I attacked her and reported the incident for elder abuse. The next call I received was the department of child welfare who stated that my child would have to be interviewed, photographer, and my home investigated because an incidence of domestic violence occurred with her present.

My husband and I met with the case worker and after discussing the incident in detail he suggested she be placed in a facility involuntarily for evaluation. Thankfully he saw that we were good parents and saw my child was not regularly forced to endure such scenes but then also said as a responsible parent it is my first role to protect my child and I was endangering her by having my mother have access to her. He told me to file for an injunction if I did not want to see this repeat and have it lead to her in foster care because I could not break the bond with my mom and I did file and get awarded the injunction even though it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I had to stand across from her in front of a judge with no council due to the short time frame of appearance and lack of fund and defend my need to have no contact with her. She fought it hard with a jerk lawyer there the whole time. Aside for witness testimony allowed by my husband at the end of the hearing,  I had to do the bigger portion of the hearing alone and I shook with fear the whole time unable to look at her or even speak without hesitation  as she proceeded to twist and turn everything that has every happened between us to victimize herself; painting me to be a monster in front of the judge.  My proudest moment was when I gather my strength and had to ask her questions and was able to say for the first time ever :" Are you going to sit there and deny that you have physically and emotionally abused me my whole life?" Her response was " "I never laid a hand on you" (as expected) and she proceeded to tell the judge that I wanted attention and I was bipolar and made up horrible things about her. I offered the pictures I had of her abusive nature, bruises, scars and so on and  the judge ordered her to be silent. It was the only time I was permitted to speak freely at all about her without risk of fallback and it felt so good. She had to sit there and listen to the pain she caused me and it felt so good to get that out. I don't think she ever thought I would be brave enough to do that and it was so hard.

My closing statement to the judge was me begging him to keep her away from me and my family and I said you have to ask yourself why someone who is showing such contempt for me in these proceedings would fight so hard to not allow me to have an injunction to keep them away from me. It must have clicked because I was awarded the injunction and that was the last time I saw her, was in the same room with her, or spoke with her.

All the progress and confidence , and healing I have been able to do for the past years were wonderful but with her death , that has all gone for now. I am a frazzled, terrified, approval seeking child all over again. I realize what the NC has done to her with her suicide and it is unbearable which is only compounded by my grief. I am uncomfortable being alone in my home as it gives me the time to think about her life and how I wronged her. The guilt is so bad I have dreams of her standing dead in my home screaming at me while I try to make final arrangements and she is telling me how dare you tell people what I did, tell them the truth, you are the problem not me, you are such a liar, you left me and I ll never let you forget it. I can't sleep and I am jolted from my dreams in a sweat panic. They feel so real and it scares me. My only comfort is my amazing friends, family, pets, and keeping routines for social events and the dance practices, field trips etc. I find myself unable to make final arrangements because I hear her voice in the back of my head telling me how I'm doing it all wrong calling me stupid and saying that I am letting her down. I go from feeling relief that she is gone to having so much guilt for her not being there that I am inconsolable. I find myself just wishing to call her and I can't. I find myself wishing to apologize, I cry and scream "I am so sorry Mom" as loud as I can hoping she will hear me. How I feel is only compounded by her enabling sister and drug using ex husband who hold me 100 % responsible. Please let me know if any of this is normal. I feel lost in this grief and teeter from anger to bargaining in my grief and I just want to have that same confidence and self esteem and happiness that I had after the injunction when the NC finally felt like the right choice. With her passing, my fear is I will never be able to live like that and that the guilt will haunt me for life. Please help with your thoughts, experiences, and insights.

[ohmygosh]

Sory to hear all this.  She could have killed herself for any reason, blaming you is unfair.  All the same your reaction seems natural to me.  Re-focus on your recovery, whatever has happened you need to do that for the sake of your own child

  Get to remorseful and you will lose your ability to be an effective parent.

[slimmiller]

Very sorry to hear this! I can not imagine the pain you must be going through.

Remember though, BPD is an illness. They do not function as the rest of us do. Even professionals have difficulty dealing with and reasoning with those that have BPD.

While you may blame yourself at times, sounds like you did what you needed to to protect yourself and family. Any good mother would do that.

Do you have counselor? If not, you could definitely benefit from talking to a professional through this difficult time.

Blessings

[Being Mindful]

Dear Miss,

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss. Of course, what you are feeling is to be expected. You have suffered greatly and so did your mom. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your family. You took good care of yourself, a very brave and strong thing to do. Unfortunately, your mom was very ill. I hope that you can let go of the responsibility and guilt that you feel now. You have suffered greatly already. Can you try and picture your mom without this horrible illness. Take that away and see that she would not want you, her daughter to suffer anymore.

Please know that we are here to support you. There are so many caring, supportive people that want to reach out.

For her arrangements, since you are feeling so triggered by them, could your husband step in and do them for you? What is important right now is your self care, reaching out for others to do what you are not able to. How about a close friend? Can some friends come in to help?

Sending you a great amount of   and 

Being Mindful

[Suzn]

Dear missliss 

Im so sorry this happened. This is not your fault and as its been said, anything could have triggered this. I agree with Being Mindful about asking your husband to help you with arrangements. We are here for you, stick with us. Welcome to our family.

Lots of good thoughts sending your way. 

[lbjnltx]

Hello missliss,

I am so very sad to learn of the passing of your mom.

It is obvious to me that you loved her very much and her illness kept you from having a relationship with her.  Sacrificing yourself and your family would not have healed your mom. 

From what you have written it does appear that you are experiencing the different stages of the grieving process.  It will take time and you will need much support.  We are here to add to that support you need.

Be kind and patient with yourself.   

lbjnltx

[WrongWoman]

This was so not your fault.  I am sorry for your loss and your mother's choice, but it was hers and had nothing to do with you, no matter what your relatives say.

And many professionals do NOT understand BPD and how it affects the family members of the disordered person.  I am lucky to have a therapist who does understand and has only supported me in my being very low L/C but mostly N/C for over two decades.  My mother has threatened and attempted suicide many times.  But like you, I have a family, and my first responsibility is to my own well-being and theirs.

When my mother does die, whether at her own hand (she's also a prescription drug addict, so overdosing is always a possibility with her) or because of an illness, I'm sure I will get a similar reaction from my siblings.  My mother, like many BPDs, was/is very adept at splitting behaviors, and because of this, my four half siblings and I have little contact with each other.  They don't understand my decision to go N/C, although she continues to make their lives miserable.  I feel sympathy for them, but on the other hand, sometimes their wounds seem nearly self-inflicted as they let her behave any way she wants towards them.  It's a difficult dilemma and it is not my intent to blame them, but do not want to be blamed for making considered choices for myself and my husband/children.

I have one brother who texts me periodically with information like this, "Mom is in the hospital again - thought you'd want to know".  I struggled for quite some time on how to respond, because I refuse to be pulled into the drama-filled vortex of her life again.  Finally, I settled on a singular, consistent response, "Thanks for letting me know".  I was trying to let him know that I appreciated his intentions, but that my own boundaries were staying put.  When she does die, I'm sure he'll have a lot to say about this.

Anyway, I'm very sorry you're going through this and hope you will believe that none of this was your fault.

[InaMinorRole]

Let's make a list of things that are your fault.

- Your mom had a mental illness that originated before you were born. Your fault? No.

- Your mom's illness caused her to say horrible things to you and physically assault you. Your fault? No.

- Your mom's illness caused her to misuse the justice system against you. Your fault? No.

- Some of your relatives look for a scapegoat and decided to pin it on you. Your fault? No. THEIRS.

- You protected your own family against physical and emotional abuse. Your fault? No. This is to your credit.

I'm having a really tough time coming up with ways you can be legitimately blamed here. The voice you're hearing in your head is not your own voice, it's not the voice of a ghost, and it's not the voice of a judge, God, or reasonable people. It's the voice you got used to hearing coming out of your mom. Tell that voice to be quiet.

What happened with your mom is not your fault. Stop entertaining the possibility that it might be. It's not.

[Cordelia]

I'm so sorry about your mother.  It sounds like you did everything you should have done to take care of her.  I'm sure it's hard to see this now in the light of what's happened, but taking care of yourself and especially the safety of your daughter was the right choice.  

I hope you have the support you need to handle all this.  It's really intense.  Anyone would need extra support at this time.  I'm sure as the crisis passes you will see the benefit of the safety and security you've built for yourself these past few years and be able to take refuge in your immediate family.  

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi MissLiss,

I am so so sorry for your loss, and the pain you are going through.  Your aunt and your mom's husband have no idea the pain that she has likely put you through and don't know how it feels to be the daughter of someone who can't properly express love or affection.  They have no basis on which to judge your actions past, present or future. Their say is irrelevant anyway; you took action to protect yourself and your family.  They can have all the opinions they want about it, whether it's in a letter, on the phone, on the internet or shouted from the mountaintops, it doesn't make it true that you caused anything that happened in your mother's life (those were her choices and therefore her consequences), and it doesn't mean you should have to consider it for one second.  Your time is too precious to waste on their opinions. You did the best thing for you and your family; you protected yourself and your child.  Those are incredible acts of bravery!  So few people could make that sacrifice, but you did. 

You have nothing at all to apologize for or be sorry for.  You went NC to protect yourself from emotional and physical harm.  Would you expect someone who ran out of a burning building to apologize to the building for not saving it?  No way.  You made the RIGHT choice 100%.  Not only did you do the right thing for you (an important and valuable person worthy of security and safety), you absolutely did the right thing for your child and husband.  What if she became agitated and hurt your child one day?  That is not a possibility that a good mother would risk.  You stopped her from ever having a chance to access your child, and harm her the way she harmed you because of your brave and courageous decision to go NC.  Your child will never have to know that pain.  You're an absolute hero, in my opinion.  I have heard that the definition of integrity is doing the right thing, even when you will never get a pat on the back for it.  If you never get a pat on the back in this life, it is only because the people whom you have protected (your child and any possible future children and anyone else you love who is close to you) don't even know the pain you have spared them from- that is a wonderful thing! 


Your mother and only your mother is responsible for what happened to her and for her wellbeing, as well as that of her poor pets.  It's very sad and awful that she was unable to care for herself and her animals, but it is NO WAY, shape or form your fault.  Not even one ounce.  You are a unique individual with unique responsibilities; you are NOT an extension of her, like a butler or an employee.  You have no responsibity to her whatsoever. 

My BPDMom is currently suicidal and laying the guilt on very heavy.  I am just extremely fortunate to be at a place in my life that I can shield my family, job, friends and even my sweet cat from her.  I see her about once every two weeks, even though she tries to pressure me to see her more.  I know that at this point, every single time I see her might be the last time, but I refuse to get drawn into tearful goodbyes or painful discussions.  If she dies, it will have been her decision.  Unfortunately, no amount of love, affection, adoration or comlpiance on my part will save her.  About two weeks ago she pulled an attempt, and spent a week in an in-patient psych facility.  Her cat went three days without water.  I really love this cat, as she actually used to be my cat, but BPDMom took her from me, so it was hard when BPDMom tried to guilt trip me into seeing her cat every day.  I felt TERRIBLE leaving her alone.  But I have my own family now, my own cat, my own life, my own happiness.  All of those come before her and her needs.  Because I had no advocate growing up, and nobody to care about me and worry about me, I must work extra-hard to care for myself. 

My goal is to be a mom one day, and I want to be strong enough to protect my child from her.  I want to protect even my husband from her.  That's why I'm working so hard at me right now, so I absolutely admire you and what you have done.  I think you are truly brave, and I feel so deeply for your loss.

Please don't stop doing what is best for you!  Please speak to a therapist, grief counselor, priest or rabbi or imam or whoever you need.  Take time off of work if you need to.  Please keep taking care of your child's mother- she is needed!  I will definitely be thinking of you and your family this evening.   

[healing_orlando]

Dear MissLiss -

Your story made me cry. I am so sorry you are going through this, and all I can think about is how unfair it is that you had found your way to a happy and healthy life, and then something like this happens. 

I think though, I hope, that you know this is not your fault, deep down inside.  I know the feelings of guilt are overwhelming, but what helps me every time these come along is to stop the flood of feelings and try to reason as logically as possible under the circumstances.  Logic tells you - clearly, your mother was a very sick woman.  Clearly, had you stopped the NC and became part of her life again, nothing would have changed and you would have continued living life with the unpredictable, crazy episodes, which in turn would have greatly hurt your child.  Clearly, there is nothing you could have done to change her.  In light of all of this, you had not only the right, but the responsibility to protect your family from the crazy unpredictable behavior.

I myself think about how I am going to feel once my BPDmom, with whom I have gone NC, passes.  I think I will feel much like what you are feeling right now, but quite honestly, I do not feel like I have any other choices than to go NC.  It is not like my BPDmom asks to have a relationship with me and that she will pay attention and try to understand and change her behavior.  If that was the case, the choice would be easy right?

Instead, she wants a relationship at her terms, without any considerations towards what she is doing or who she is hurting.  Under these circumstances, there really is only one choice, which is to protect the people I love and that depend on me.  That is exactly what you did for yourself and your family.  You should be proud of yourself for being a strong woman, a great mother, in spite of everything that happened to you.

You did the right thing. I hope it gets better for you.

[MissLiss1012]

Hi Everyone,

Please excuse my long break away from the post. I have been wrestling a lot of inner turmoil and your messages were a huge source of strength for me. To make matters worse, after dealing with the passing of my mother , I was able to reconnect with my uncle (my mother's brother) after her passing.

He flew to me for her memorial and sea burial after we had not spoken in years. The reason we did not speak was because my mother wove a beautifully crafted web of lies about me to him and my cousin and my aunt and to any remaining family, her friends, friends of the family, my friends, my jobs, my neighbors and anyone else who would listen so much so that I ended up completely isolating myself from everyone she spoke to. I let her have them and the interpretation of the story she so badly needed to be true. I walked away choosing to not get dragged into the he said / she said and just sat by while everyone I had known then began to pull away from me.

My uncle was one of those people so much so that he attempted to sabotage my reputation on my job and among my peers and my in-laws. He was doing this because my mother had him adamantly convinced that I was out to get her and I had bi-polar disorder and was abusive. She told him that I had her arrested falsely and took her pets away instead of dealing with the fact that she was off her meds, called 911 to say we were holding her against her will when we didn't drive her home the second she wanted, and after she was arrested for domestic violence against me for her outburst, had animal services take her animals because she lived alone and there was no one to care for them while she was gone in jail. He believed everything she said and stopped talking to me for years.

I found out my mother died when he called and said "you're mother is dead, I hope you are happy" and after many calls back and forth and much explanation he decided to come down to see my mother's apartment and to attend her service. There was never anything to support my mother's interpretation of what happened. He came down and saw that my mother was living in filth and had a severe hoarding problem and saw that she was living in conditions a mentally healthy person would not be able to tolerate and I think it set in all at once. He then asked why I didn't tell him ,why didn't I say anything and I told him that I knew he didn't want to believe it and that having him believe that there was nothing wrong with her living miles and miles away was something she needed more than I needed to plead my case. If I had to be the villain in her story it was ok I thought because then they obviously never knew me at all if they could believe those things about me. He and I managed to patch things up and he left saying what a great family I had, and how nice our home was, he called and checked in and said he wanted to come to visit. He left after having to face some of the truths about his sister that I knew he could not or did not want to see but I will never really know what he ended up taking away from the visit.

My mother was a very compelling victim and with her outlandish stories, she was able to victimize herself in such a way that people would fawn over her. They would do anything to be her savior and she relished in the glory and attention that her lies perpetuated. In having to deal with the apartment she left behind together, I was able to explain to my uncle every little thing that never seemed right and we seemed to reconnect. He laughed with me,my daughter and husband  and ended up staying with us towards the end of visit instead of staying at his hotel. I felt that I had a clean slate with him and could enjoy the feeling of having family once again and re-establishing ties with my cousin and aunt and then much to my dismay he died only about 4 weeks later.  My Uncle's son was in no financial position to pay for his services and suffered  from Aspergers and his girlfriend was not someone who was able to help either so I paid for his services and after saying goodbye to him and knowing he has now passed on,  I find myself wondering whether my mother is still somewhere filling his ears with more of the same lies I tried so hard to repair. Maybe that sounds crazy but I honestly can't picture my mother without her illness and the ways she chose to isolate me so have me more than convinced she is trying to get a meeting with God himself to make him question letting me pass through the pearly gates when it is my time.

I tell myself to remember the good times, to remember that she was sick, that she didn't mean to be the way she was and yet I sit here re-reading emails she sent to my uncle, my in-laws, friends of the family and her ex-husband where she brutally paints a picture of a me to be this venomous monster that she was forced to endure for far to long.  Instead of me getting a retraining order (truth) she goes on to say how glad she is that she has a restraining order against me and is now she is happy living alone without my abuse (lies). I read the words she wrote and I just cry. I want to grieve for her and then I read these things and can't. Every email where she tells my friends, my family, my in laws all these horrible lies about me and goes on to explain that "I am dead to her after having her falsely arrested and taking her precious pets away" and that "she is so happy to have gotten them back despite my attempts to have them taken away" and "she will never speak to me again because she is so happy to be alone and finally rid of my abuse" haunts me to no end. I cant picture her happy or healthy in Heaven or even with an ounce of love in her heart for me because all I have left of her is her hatred filled emails and rants  and voicemails and text messages detailing a monstrous bi-polar daughter who abused her physically, emotionally and verbally when the true story is that I was the unfortunate child of a very sick woman who died never fixing the mess she made.

She twisted everything so far and so deep that I still sit here finding myself trying to convince even myself that none of it happened that way.  The extent of her reach in her constant smear campaign of me still includes next door neighbors that still wont talk to me to this day, my in-laws who still don't seem to know whether to trust me or my mother's interpretation of the story, and a cousin who I was once close to  ( my uncle's son) who I cant help but feel like when I talk to, is still wondering what and or who to believe.

I find myself so worried about what to do about the things she made my in laws believe about me and I dont know how to make them understand or see me for who I am because all I feel and all I see are her words and thoughts and texts, and emails of what she said about me. While it hurts to the core to read them, I cant stop doing it and now knowing that my uncle has passed like her , I waiver back and forth between grief filled longing for them to return, to feelings of disgust in knowing what she said and did and got my uncle to say and do and wondering if she is somewhere still planting lies about me.

I tell myself that she has passed and with that there must be some clarity, some understanding , and hopefully with it love, regret, and acceptance for what she did her whole life to me but I cant seem to be able to hold on to that ideal when I see and hear the damage she has caused in my life that I am still fighting against. I find myself holding on to documents and pieces of information to show the truth of the situation and find myself hoping people will finally see me for me.  I feel in moments of weakness as though my self esteem may never recover from what she did to me and at times , her interpretation of incidents that happened feel so compelling it makes me question my own sanity which is why I keep the arrest report for her battery, and the animal control report saying the animals were taken because she was admitted involuntarily and keeping the empty bottles of pills with her name on it for Zoloft and lithium. It is as though I need the evidence to tell myself what she said and did wasn't real even though I still find myself looking back and analyzing everything i have ever said or did to try to understand why a mother could say and do the things she did to me. I think they must be true because why would the person who gave birth to me, who is supposed to love me no matter what and be my biggest supporter see me the way she did?

I am an only child with no real communication with my father as he drifted in and out of my life since I was a child after leaving at 6 and the only remaining family I have left is my cousin who has aspergers and an aunt who I was never really close with so the evidence is the only soundboard I have against her lies besides a friend of the family who stopped speaking to my mother years ago because she was so abusive. She has become in so many ways the mother I never had and is a huge sense of support when I am at my lowest points. I have my husband who tells me to just let it go and he says who cares what anyone thinks about you but the problem is I do care and I can't help but feel like even in her death, she has managed to sway those closest to me, to see her as the helpless victim who died alone because her horrid daughter ruined her life. My husband who has a loving, supportive family will never fully understand and so I beg you to please help me to understand how best to move on and leave all these feelings of sadness, guilt, hurt, anger, outrage, paranoia, and suppressed self esteem that my mother continues to stir up in me (even in her death) behind for good.   

[slimmiller]

Reading your story reminds me of reading "The Borderline Mother" By Christine Lawson. It was very helpful for me to read it because my kids mother (who is my exBPD) is also BPD. Reading it gave me some closure.

Just a thought that maybe it could be a helpful read for you.

[GeekyGirl]

MissLiss,

I'm so sorry.   Words can't express how sorry I am that you've gone through this. I hope you've taken the words of the other members here to heart--you did not cause your mother's illness or subsequent suicide. You did the best thing you could do to protect yourself and your child.

While this has to be a very difficult time, I'm glad to hear you have support and love from friends and your husband.

Please know that there are many of us here for you and let us know how we can best support you.

[lbjnltx]

Hello MissLiss

So very sorry to learn of the passing of your Uncle and also very good to hear that you and he were able to heal your relationship before he passed.   

It is good that you have come back here to look for help.  The suffering continues for you and there is relief to be found here in this supportive and knowledgeable community.  I hope that you will stay and allow us to help you.

Will you take the time and energy to invest in yourself?  Have you looked at the Lessons and Survivors Guide?

It is a great deal of information to take in and that will take some time.  It is meant to be explored slowly and fully so that you can get the most benefit.

We are here to walk through it with you.  You are not alone.



lbjnltx