Confused

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It seems that most of the people posting here have left their SO with BPD.  My DBPD ex wife left ME... .  twice.  The first time she came back after 6 weeks.  Now SHE has asked for NC and we haven't had any for months.  She has BPD.  Shouldn't I be the one initiating NC?

[Scott44]

It seems that most of the people posting here have left their SO with BPD.  My DBPD ex wife left ME... .  twice.  The first time she came back after 6 weeks.  Now SHE has asked for NC and we haven't had any for months.  She has BPD.  Shouldn't I be the one initiating NC?

[trouble11]

My exBPDbf left me three times.  Third one was the CHARM.     Still hurts like crazy though.  Mine hasn't contacted me since HIS birthday  (HIS not MINE) and I blocked him, because I know it's just a matter of time. 

[mosaicbird]

No, not necessarily. Look at the repeated theme of abandonment fears causing the pwBPD to do the abandoning before it can happen to them. It happens, either through devaluing you and actively telling you to get lost, or them acting horrible in ways designed to push you to do the abandoning. Either way, they are often unconsciously orchestrating the break.

In my relationship with my ex, she was frequently the one who ended contact. During the actual living together and "officially involved" part of our relationship, many years ago, the first major break was when she kicked me out because I didn't act like I loved her. Then we tried again long-distance. I made the next major break, saying it wouldn't work and it was over. Whoops... .  then we tried again. I pushed her to make the next break because I couldn't do it again myself. Then she came back later that year, and I wouldn't let her get close enough for there to be another break up... .  that time. It can go back and forth - it's dizzying. But most of the time, it's her doing the official leaving. I would probably hold on forever, in my way.

[blecker]

  She has BPD.  Shouldn't I be the one initiating NC?

Yes. Whatever psyche game she plays, it is never with your best interest in mind.

To end the endless game of bouncing the rubber ball back up to your hand, the next time the ball falls towards its bounce... .  move your hand.

[Scott44]

Yeah I guess when she caught me "cheating" on email and phone she felt abandoned and left before I could possibly leave her.  But like mosaicbird I think if it were up to me I would hang on forever.  I stayed through horrible physical and emotional abuse, so I guess nothing short of her leaving would do it.

[almostmarried]

Hello Scott44,my BPD (w/NPD traits)exwife left me three times... .  in 1986... .  we were still together,she relocated and one of the first things she did was having sex with  her neighbour... .  after refusing to sleep with me during our whole relationship... .  

The second time we were "together" one day she told me that her ex-husband "forced" her to have sex with him... .  while she was sleeping (?)

The third time we were "together" she was "totally in love" with me.I was livind in Germany,she was living in the US.I relocated to the US to be together with her (am I stupid? Yes!)Now guess what happened... .  after a few days together in the US she started ignoring me,giving me the silent treatment for weeks and telling me bull~ like "I like to be all the time alone","basically I am lesbian"... .  

I left after 4 months and returned to Germany.I´m done with her,period.

[Scott44]

Thank you for your response, almostmarried.  A question for people here - what is the longest period of time you have gone with NC and then had your BPD mate come back to you?  For me, the first time was six weeks, the second time is still going on and has been for about a year.