Have I gone mad?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

The following weaknesses are embarrassing to admit to but here goes.

I was on the bus and I turned to say something to my ex-wife (she wasn't there).

When I heard that my favorite band was coming to town I immediately thought, "Wow Nancy and I are going to have a great time". (she has been NC for 6 months).

Anything can send me into a panic.  "Are You Lonesome Tonight" by Elvis came on when I was at a restaurant with my parents and I had to leave (RIGHT away!)

I saw a wedding photo of us hanging on my brother's wall and nearly got physically ill.

I pray that she will contact me (I'm agnostic).

Right now I would take the worst physical abuse she ever gave out just to have her back again.

I'm scared that I am losing my mind.  I have anti-depressants and a psychiatrist to talk to but none of it seems to be helping enough.

[Scott44]

The following weaknesses are embarrassing to admit to but here goes.

I was on the bus and I turned to say something to my ex-wife (she wasn't there).

When I heard that my favorite band was coming to town I immediately thought, "Wow Nancy and I are going to have a great time". (she has been NC for 6 months).

Anything can send me into a panic.  "Are You Lonesome Tonight" by Elvis came on when I was at a restaurant with my parents and I had to leave (RIGHT away!)

I saw a wedding photo of us hanging on my brother's wall and nearly got physically ill.

I pray that she will contact me (I'm agnostic).

Right now I would take the worst physical abuse she ever gave out just to have her back again.

I'm scared that I am losing my mind.  I have anti-depressants and a psychiatrist to talk to but none of it seems to be helping enough.

[dharmagems]

Yoouuuu aaarrrrrreeee ookkkkkaaaayyy.  Biiiiigggg Huuuuggggg!

Healing takes time.  It hurts.  It sucks, but you have to get through the hurt to heal.  Don't be so hard on yourself, ok?

You'll be fine.  You'll find your way.

 you've got our backs

[seeking balance]

I'm scared that I am losing my mind.  I have anti-depressants and a psychiatrist to talk to but none of it seems to be helping enough.

What does your Psychiatrist say when you bring this up?

[Scott44]

He says that I will come to understand that all this is for the best.

[seeking balance]

He says that I will come to understand that all this is for the best.

what do you think about this?

btw - most of us here have thought about our ex-spouse the same way you describe - it is habit and takes a while to break this thought pattern.

[struggli]

Scott,

You will be OK man.

I had the same kind of things going on, especially the first couple months after.

I'd see her "ghost" everywhere I went.  I'd find one of her hairs in the crack of the couch cushion or on a shirt and almost have a breakdown.  Someone would ask about my gf and I'd just say we're fine (not wanting to get it into it), or sometimes explain my entire 2 year relationship in a ten minute condensed version.  In fact, I got really good at doing that.  I could tell it like I was reading it out of a manual.

Every time I'd see a car like hers (which is a fairly common one), I'd get butterflies of the unpleasant variety.  

Be careful with the meds though.  I've never taken any.  In some cases they can make things worse.  Plus, I'm a fan of the old fashioned "let yourself fall into the depths of hell" method.  Yeah, part of my FOO, but whatever.

I also prayed even though I am agnostic.  

I really thought I had lost it as well.  

You will wind down at some point.  It's a traumatic experience.

[struggletown]

To answer your question, no - you haven't gone mad. You're just coping with a stressful situation.

Some things are easier said than done, but keep yourself busy. Time will heal you, it could take a long time, but you need to fill in that time. Make plans. Fill up your day and your week. If you can't handle being around people then do things on your own. If you can handle being around people then great!

These boards can be good for you... .  but don't spend your day on here.

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

You haven't gone mad. I do the same thing sometimes. Here's what I think. I think you wife was abusive to you. She created a deep, deep pain inside you. And that pain (whether consciously or not) was placed inside you so that only she could fill it. That is the cycle of abuse. That is how it works. You are in a lot of pain right now. Your mind is trying to find ways to help you numb that pain that used to be filled by her. That's it. You will stop doing this eventually.

The only way this won't stop is if you see her, talk to her, etc... .  That is the only way.

[gottafixit]

johnnyorganic has hit it right on the head.  We are so used to abuse that abuse becomes our normal, and to change our normal is difficult and takes a lot of adjusting to.  I've been divorced for 1 1/2 years and I'm still hurting but learning (obviously slowly) that I'm better off withour her.