I think I'm a fraud

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is there a head-meets-wall smiley? Because I need one.

I joined this board when my exwBPD and I started up again in October after I reached out again by sending her flowers on a particular anniversary... I keep saying that I did not want her to see them as an invitation to talk - the time before, in March, went so horribly awry that I felt nothing for her but contempt and hatred - and my inclination was to send funeral flowers with some kind of "Our love is dead" message, but I still couldn't bring myself to burn that bridge. I never can. (But when she called me on that hatred, I didn't remember it and couldn't figure out what she was talking about.)

She wrote to me a few weeks later and from there things took off in a matter of weeks to again declaring our eternal love and wanting to get married and all that. It was nuts, it was giddy, and it felt like the beginning again in a way it hadn't in a long time, because she was finally "free" again and didn't have to hold back her feelings because of her partner anymore. (Partner has obviously always had an issue with my existence and my and ex's mutual obsession for one another over the years. Partner and I became friends in 2009, however. Ex has always had a lot of jealousy over that and at one time accused me of choosing her partner over her, because I "clearly" thought partner was a "better person and more worthy of [my] attention".)

It would be nice to blame her for us failing again, but... .  it's always been ME. I've been in a relationship with someone with BPD (diagnosed), and I am the one that always screws it up by being unloving, distant, hot-and-cold, moody, inconsistent, cruel, argumentative, and refusing to ever take responsibility or apologize for anything. How can this be? Isn't SHE the sick one? The one who wears her intensity and demands and endless needs as a freaking badge of honor that sets her above the rest of humanity? I know I have issues, but surely I'm the rational one here... .    but a few years ago, something strange hit me. She had become darker over the years, and now she resembled me even more. Or who I used to be when I was more unstable more often, before I found a "safe" person (my current partner) who gave me stability and calmed some of the rage.

She said so many times, "I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could shut things off and stop feeling, stop caring. I wish I could be as cold as you are, and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much." I was so cruel to her when we broke up. I told her that I'd stopped loving her a long time ago, and that it had all been a fantasy so that I could get something I needed, and so very many other things. I said, "I don't know who I was when I wrote all those beautiful things to you." I still have the emails. Reading them is horrifying and unreal. But I always go back to her like nothing ever happened... because it feels like it never happened for me. I feel like I have the emotional attention span of a gnat! I was cruel to her again this time by refusing to answer her desperate pleas for reassurance. She told me flat out that if I didn't, she would have to believe it was all a lie... .  I stayed silent.

Over the years, she's tried time and time again to point out our similarities. I blocked it all, denied it, threw it back at her, accused her of projecting and being self-righteous (her and her dang "good person" obsession!). Reading everything anew is like a revelation.

Geez, I'm rambling. This has just been festering in my head all week. When she ripped away my foundation by repudiating me, it was the first time anything ever broke my world like that... .  got through to me. In my obsession with tracking down her "lies", I read through so many things and saw the pattern as plain as day. My failures. She called me a soulless black hole upon whom all love was completely wasted... .  and she was right. I knew that, I've always known that, but I wanted to love her. I wanted it to be real. Every time I felt love for her, I prayed for it to last, to not slip away from me again. When it went away again, when the only feelings I could summon were irritation and indifference, I tried to remember that it would come back again. But it wasn't enough; I couldn't fake it well enough when I couldn't feel anything; couldn't reach out. I've gotten better, a little better, in person. I can care about people a little more consistently if they're in front of me all the time, if I can see them. But she's so far away and I... .  forget. When the feelings come back, so does the horrible, overwhelming guilt and sickness. How could I? How could I stop caring about the person most precious to me? I don't get close to many people - keep them as acquaintances only - because I know this will happen.

The final break with her was the impetus to finally stop putting off delving into my issues with my BPD mother (ugh... avoided this for SO long). I got Christine Larson's book and, again, BAM! My life with mother, there in text.

God, so much mental sludge here... .  writing to people I don't know. I've been reading the posts here, and relating to my experience with my ex, but much of the time, I'm not relating to the "non" side. I keep seeing examples of things I've done, down to the letter. And not just occasionally, but as a pervasive pattern of behavior both with her and with the other people in my life. (My current partner, I think, is one of those self-denying caregiving types.)

It's like the pieces are all finally falling into place, but in the last place I expected or wanted them to. But I also see so much hope in this schema therapy thing... .  it's the first time I've ever seen a therapeutic discipline that felt like it might work for me. I want to be in control of myself without completely cutting off emotion like I do to get by on a daily basis. I want to have emotions that are somewhere in between horrific and ecstatic - not just at one end or the other - and I want to be able to feel them without being controlled by them.

Well, that's where I am. The sense that there might be a sliver of light somewhere for me is just unbelievable. I gave up real hope a long time ago and only clung to the false hope of miraculous change. I'll know I'm getting there if I can ever bear to read what I've written here again without cringing and denying its truth. Whew.

[mosaicbird]

Is there a head-meets-wall smiley? Because I need one.

I joined this board when my exwBPD and I started up again in October after I reached out again by sending her flowers on a particular anniversary... I keep saying that I did not want her to see them as an invitation to talk - the time before, in March, went so horribly awry that I felt nothing for her but contempt and hatred - and my inclination was to send funeral flowers with some kind of "Our love is dead" message, but I still couldn't bring myself to burn that bridge. I never can. (But when she called me on that hatred, I didn't remember it and couldn't figure out what she was talking about.)

She wrote to me a few weeks later and from there things took off in a matter of weeks to again declaring our eternal love and wanting to get married and all that. It was nuts, it was giddy, and it felt like the beginning again in a way it hadn't in a long time, because she was finally "free" again and didn't have to hold back her feelings because of her partner anymore. (Partner has obviously always had an issue with my existence and my and ex's mutual obsession for one another over the years. Partner and I became friends in 2009, however. Ex has always had a lot of jealousy over that and at one time accused me of choosing her partner over her, because I "clearly" thought partner was a "better person and more worthy of [my] attention".)

It would be nice to blame her for us failing again, but... .  it's always been ME. I've been in a relationship with someone with BPD (diagnosed), and I am the one that always screws it up by being unloving, distant, hot-and-cold, moody, inconsistent, cruel, argumentative, and refusing to ever take responsibility or apologize for anything. How can this be? Isn't SHE the sick one? The one who wears her intensity and demands and endless needs as a freaking badge of honor that sets her above the rest of humanity? I know I have issues, but surely I'm the rational one here... .    but a few years ago, something strange hit me. She had become darker over the years, and now she resembled me even more. Or who I used to be when I was more unstable more often, before I found a "safe" person (my current partner) who gave me stability and calmed some of the rage.

She said so many times, "I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could shut things off and stop feeling, stop caring. I wish I could be as cold as you are, and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much." I was so cruel to her when we broke up. I told her that I'd stopped loving her a long time ago, and that it had all been a fantasy so that I could get something I needed, and so very many other things. I said, "I don't know who I was when I wrote all those beautiful things to you." I still have the emails. Reading them is horrifying and unreal. But I always go back to her like nothing ever happened... because it feels like it never happened for me. I feel like I have the emotional attention span of a gnat! I was cruel to her again this time by refusing to answer her desperate pleas for reassurance. She told me flat out that if I didn't, she would have to believe it was all a lie... .  I stayed silent.

Over the years, she's tried time and time again to point out our similarities. I blocked it all, denied it, threw it back at her, accused her of projecting and being self-righteous (her and her dang "good person" obsession!). Reading everything anew is like a revelation.

Geez, I'm rambling. This has just been festering in my head all week. When she ripped away my foundation by repudiating me, it was the first time anything ever broke my world like that... .  got through to me. In my obsession with tracking down her "lies", I read through so many things and saw the pattern as plain as day. My failures. She called me a soulless black hole upon whom all love was completely wasted... .  and she was right. I knew that, I've always known that, but I wanted to love her. I wanted it to be real. Every time I felt love for her, I prayed for it to last, to not slip away from me again. When it went away again, when the only feelings I could summon were irritation and indifference, I tried to remember that it would come back again. But it wasn't enough; I couldn't fake it well enough when I couldn't feel anything; couldn't reach out. I've gotten better, a little better, in person. I can care about people a little more consistently if they're in front of me all the time, if I can see them. But she's so far away and I... .  forget. When the feelings come back, so does the horrible, overwhelming guilt and sickness. How could I? How could I stop caring about the person most precious to me? I don't get close to many people - keep them as acquaintances only - because I know this will happen.

The final break with her was the impetus to finally stop putting off delving into my issues with my BPD mother (ugh... avoided this for SO long). I got Christine Larson's book and, again, BAM! My life with mother, there in text.

God, so much mental sludge here... .  writing to people I don't know. I've been reading the posts here, and relating to my experience with my ex, but much of the time, I'm not relating to the "non" side. I keep seeing examples of things I've done, down to the letter. And not just occasionally, but as a pervasive pattern of behavior both with her and with the other people in my life. (My current partner, I think, is one of those self-denying caregiving types.)

It's like the pieces are all finally falling into place, but in the last place I expected or wanted them to. But I also see so much hope in this schema therapy thing... .  it's the first time I've ever seen a therapeutic discipline that felt like it might work for me. I want to be in control of myself without completely cutting off emotion like I do to get by on a daily basis. I want to have emotions that are somewhere in between horrific and ecstatic - not just at one end or the other - and I want to be able to feel them without being controlled by them.

Well, that's where I am. The sense that there might be a sliver of light somewhere for me is just unbelievable. I gave up real hope a long time ago and only clung to the false hope of miraculous change. I'll know I'm getting there if I can ever bear to read what I've written here again without cringing and denying its truth. Whew.

[seeking balance]

The final break with her was the impetus to finally stop putting off delving into my issues with my BPD mother (ugh... avoided this for SO long). I got Christine Larson's book and, again, BAM! My life with mother, there in text.

I had a real "aha" moment when my then wife and I separated and I went to my parents... .  as my mother was raging at me for something I supposedly did wrong, I left and called my own T to which I said, "OMG - I married my mother."  Until then, I knew my mom was difficult, but never did I realize how much so until that moment.  This book was almost too much for me to read the first time - my stomach was in knots as I read the "sample" from amazon.

I want to have emotions that are somewhere in between horrific and ecstatic - not just at one end or the other - and I want to be able to feel them without being controlled by them.

This is a good goal - emotional balance.

The willingness and desire to change is as important as anything.  Learning to tolerate painful emotions will help in this balance.  The rational or wise mind will develop more with time and practice.

Good for you to have the guts to write this out - welcome to personal inventory board.

[mosaicbird]

Returning to this:  I'll know I'm getting there if I can ever bear to read what I've written here again without cringing and denying its truth.

I can't even read it a few hours after writing it! This has always been my issue with journalling. It seems important to identify what I feel when I read my thoughts and feelings put into words.

Revulsion.

Then I wonder (going back to lessons from my brief time in therapy), would I feel the same way if someone else wrote it? Would I be revolted by them and consider them pathetic and weak? No, not at all. I don't consider myself better than other people, or special in any way, so why do I persist in applying these weird standards to myself alone that demand I be inhuman and invulnerable? I'm still not sure. If someone else wrote the same exact words, I would probably be intrigued and fascinated! (Like attracts like? Or the potential of exploring oneself indirectly by looking at someone external?)

[ConfusedMichael]

Welcome to the board mosaicbird, and thank you for the insightful post.

Please try not to be too hard on yourself, the sort of questions you ask trouble many of us.

What was my fault?

What was hers/his?

Who was right?

Who was wrong?

What can be blamed on the illness?

Did I use the illness to mask my own failures?

Speaking for myself, I have to say that all of these still trouble me over a year after the breakup of my own relationship.  I get angry with myself sometimes for not having tried harder to understand the illness before everything fell apart.  I knew my partner had BPD, I understood the basics, but I only began to truly understand it all in the months after the breakup.  I've also become more aware of my own issues, and feel guilty that on the occasions she pointed them out to me I tended to assume it was the BPD talking without considering whether there was any truth mixed in.  Even in the times when her perceptions were completely warped by the illness, I now feel guilty about how I handled such situations.  I would get hugely defensive and dismissive, unable to comprehend how she could ever arrive at some of the accusations she threw at me.  I know I should have spent more time listening, trying to understand where her insecurities came from rather than dismissing them blankly and making her feel abnormal for having them.

Where we differ a bit is that in my own relationship it was me that usually highlighted the similarities I shared with my partner, and also that at the end I was the emotional one, while it was my partner who seemed cold and unemotional.

The truth is that while our partners may have suffered from BPD, and we are nons, there is a strong element of individualism in all our reactions and emotions.  We all have ways of coping, and I'd encourage you not to be too hard on yourself for how you coped with a difficult relationship.  Your partner was mentally ill.  It didn't control all her emotions and actions, but it played a large enough role that it cannot be dismissed.  None of us are perfect, and we'll never find peace by expecting perfection of ourselves.  Believe me, I know exactly where that path leads.  The important part is that you have recognised some of your own mistakes and faults.  If you are able to stay balanced and start addressing these issues in a positive way, you'll find yourself in a much better frame of mind, both about your past and your present.

I wish you all the best, and sorry if I rambled a bit there myself,

Michael

[mosaicbird]

Michael, thank you for the encouraging post. I do find that despite the sobering reality of looking back at my behaviors, I feel positive. (And I am not at all a positive person, so this is a big deal.) I have been running from myself for so long, constantly in flux as I clothe myself in different personas and beliefs (all the while believing they're real), that finally, finally finding something that makes sense without having to deny or overwrite any part of myself is like an awakening. I feel such a sense of freedom and hope now that I recognize what's wrong. I never felt as though I had any power before. Every time I tried to change, I slipped through my own fingers and went right back to denying that anything was wrong. I always told people, "This is who I am. Deal with it. If you get hurt, it's your own fault because you were warned." I gave up on myself, because the terror of facing myself in whole was immense and felt like death. I am so, so scared of myself.

I am going to try not to fear shining a light on myself. I am going to try to be okay with being weak, imperfect, and human. I've learned a little bit of self compassion over the years, and I will try to keep strengthening that as well.

I was trying so hard to find my twin, so that I could see who I was. Unfortunately I didn't realize that it was always her, the entire time. Everything I hated in her was something I hated in myself. Everything I loved in her was something I denied in myself. And through my blindness, I caused so much damage. Somehow I have to own that, and learn to live with it without denying it again.

[Grey Kitty]

I am going to try not to fear shining a light on myself. I am going to try to be okay with being weak, imperfect, and human. I've learned a little bit of self compassion over the years, and I will try to keep strengthening that as well.

Of course it is OK to be weak, imperfect, and human. You have been like that your whole life and survived this far    Accepting yourself as who you are is a HUGE step.

I was trying so hard to find my twin, so that I could see who I was. Unfortunately I didn't realize that it was always her, the entire time. Everything I hated in her was something I hated in myself. Everything I loved in her was something I denied in myself. And through my blindness, I caused so much damage. Somehow I have to own that, and learn to live with it without denying it again.

Sounds like you are growing. I once had a teacher who described the way we get lost in some emotion... .  as a way to save ourselves from facing another one we can't deal with. Then when we look at the one we've gotten lost in... .  and find after getting to know it there is something else hiding underneath it that we can face. (For example, you can hide your hurt or fear by being angry.)

So consider--if you are starting to look at stuff, it must be that you are finally ready to start dealing with it

[mosaicbird]

Of course it is OK to be weak, imperfect, and human. You have been like that your whole life and survived this far   

You're right! I never thought about it like that before. Obviously I was those things all along - denying them didn't make them any less true - and I still made it to this point. And "this point" seems to be where I open my eyes and see that all I've been doing is surviving at any cost.

[mosaicbird]

I ordered this set of e-books the other night - www.phoenixrisingpublications.ca/item.php?itemId=207 - and I'm making my way through the first book. It's all relevant to me (it's amazing when it feels like someone is inside your own mind), but this part really struck me as having meaning with regards to the crisis that brought me to this point:

"Each and every regret brings with it the opportunity for you to mourn the events that took place and to take personal responsibility for your part in what you lost. [] As you identify your part in things you can then become more aware of what you might be doing that others cannot tolerate in relationship with you. [] Each time you come to the pain of regret let it be a reminder of all that you are working to change and why."