rethinking whether to go for sole custody -- strange, I know

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If you want to do it, as the others have said, the time is now.

Are you hesitating? That's not necessarily a bad thing.

What concerns you the most?

Of course, it may not be wise to act before you are ready, but if you are going to go for increased or sole custody, it will be harder to do the longer you wait.

For someone who is narcissistic, sole custody is the ultimate middle finger. It's a kick in the nuts.  If I get sole custody, he loses the most control, even if it's only a hair different than the alternative. If I could get essentially the same thing without kicking him in the nuts (and dealing with the potentially exaggerated and dangerous fall-out), then I would go for it.

But you all have disordered ex's. You know how this thinking goes. It's magical thinking on my part, because the truth is that cause does not equal effect with N/BPDx. It does in the rest of my life, for the most part, so I keep thinking it will with N/BPDx. He gets triggered by feelings, and I have no control over that. So I need to let go of the magical thinking that my actions might cause xyz to happen. Xyz is going to happen no matter what I do, and in spite of what I do.

But, more than anything, what are your concerns?

Safety. Deep down, I'm scared.

[livednlearned]

If you want to do it, as the others have said, the time is now.

Are you hesitating? That's not necessarily a bad thing.

What concerns you the most?

Of course, it may not be wise to act before you are ready, but if you are going to go for increased or sole custody, it will be harder to do the longer you wait.

For someone who is narcissistic, sole custody is the ultimate middle finger. It's a kick in the nuts.  If I get sole custody, he loses the most control, even if it's only a hair different than the alternative. If I could get essentially the same thing without kicking him in the nuts (and dealing with the potentially exaggerated and dangerous fall-out), then I would go for it.

But you all have disordered ex's. You know how this thinking goes. It's magical thinking on my part, because the truth is that cause does not equal effect with N/BPDx. It does in the rest of my life, for the most part, so I keep thinking it will with N/BPDx. He gets triggered by feelings, and I have no control over that. So I need to let go of the magical thinking that my actions might cause xyz to happen. Xyz is going to happen no matter what I do, and in spite of what I do.

But, more than anything, what are your concerns?

Safety. Deep down, I'm scared.

[livednlearned]

Sounded like your concern in part was how easy/hard it would be entering Canada... any way you can get the easy to enter docs ahead of time maybe, something that lets your ex keep face and still has you going without undue stress from him being a dick?

My dad is NPD, and he would have taken a move for sole custody as a shot over the bow, a declaration of war... never mind that he was incompetent to raise anyone. Are you sure you can't get the typical permission slips signed by the not present parent... ahead of time... so its not a full custody battle, but just a pre-agreed done deal that you can take your kid with you on trips to Canada?

One of the things I realized, looking closely at the order my L wrote after this hearing, is that the court gives me permission to travel to Canada with S11 in April.

But the thing is, it's Canadian customs. They have their own laws. I looked into it, and it's one of those things -- yes, I could risk traveling with S11 to Canada (at an expense to me of roughly $1000, plus $1000+ to my company), and cross my fingers that a Canadian customs official is going to deviate from regular procedure and accept a court document with a bunch of stuff in it, including one sentence saying LnL can travel with S11 without consent of N/BPDxh.

Or, I can go for sole custody and one day, when I travel to Canada (not April), I can pull it out and say, See? I don't need permission from N/BPDx because I have the official document that you require in order for me to enter with S11.

Customs officials don't want to hear a song and dance from me about what a mean guy N/BPDx is, and even the courts think so. They want a document that the have been authorized to accept.

And at this point, so do I. As my parents get older and my mom gets weaker, I think it's only going to get more important.

I'm filing for sole custody, with a bunch of other stuff, including asking for every other weekend. I don't know where I'm going to get the money to do it, but I'll figure something out.

[tog]

As I've said, SO, stbxw and SS are all Canadian citizens. She has taken him in and out of Canada without problem and without permission from SO. Granted, they are citizens, so getting in was probably easy. But US customs, which is much harder, has let her back in too. She did, though, have a temporary order saying she had "exclusive custody" (she chose to not present the newest order  ), so maybe that helped.

My SO (not his finest moment) even called INS and other abducted children's agencies and they did nothing to her at the border.

[stuckinbetween]

LnL,

Has your NPDx ever been physically violent?  Can you get a restraining order based on his threats to you and/or the PC?  This applies to my own situation, too. It's suddenly occured to my stbNPDx that he might actually have to pay unequal distribution and more than nominal alimony.  He's been repeatedly calling his L's office, screaming at her to do something.  As much as I'd like to return to the Sunshine State, I'd be afraid to be in the same area right now.  Do restraining orders apply only when the abuse has been physical?

Like you, my stbNPDx is facing lots of losses.  Our d20 is fed up with him, his mother is about to die, business is in deep trouble, and now actual threat of having to pay me.  I understand why you're scared.  I wish you could relocate out of his reach.  It sucks I know, but your safety does come first.  Have you thought about this?

Stuckinbetween

[Matt]

Do restraining orders apply only when the abuse has been physical?

Probably not.

Remember, a Restraining Order or Order Of Protection is not a punishment for a crime (though a crime may have been committed).  You don't have to prove, or even claim, that someone hurt you or tried to hurt you.  And the other party doesn't usually get his "day in court" - he won't get the chance to prove he didn't do anything wrong.

The purpose of an RO or OOP is to prevent something bad happening in the future, not to punish someone for what has already happened.

So if you say you are afraid that the other person might do something harmful to you or your kids, and you convince the judge that your concern is reasonable, the RO will probably be granted, at least temporarily.

Don't exaggerate what happened in order to get the RO, just make it clear why you are concerned, and ask for protection.  Remember to say, "I am afraid", if that's true, or maybe "I am very concerned" - make it clear that you believe there is risk to you or the kids, and the RO will probably be granted.

(By the way, I'm not a lawyer, and nobody here can give legal advice.  Just sharing what I've learned - how it works where I live... .  )

[charred]

Also remember that a RO is also like a shot over the bow declaring war... .  to someone with NPD it is often like taking a "personal matter" and making it a public one that casts the person in a very bad light.

There is a site just on restraining orders... pros/cons.

www.restrainingorderblog.com/2011/02/borderline-personality-disorder.html

[Matt]

Also remember that a RO is also like a shot over the bow declaring war... .  to someone with NPD it is often like taking a "personal matter" and making it a public one that casts the person in a very bad light.

There is a site just on restraining orders... pros/cons.

www.restrainingorderblog.com/2011/02/borderline-personality-disorder.html

In my state, one way to minimize that - make it seem less like an attack or an accusation - is to ask the court to order both parties to stay away from the other.

Both parties stay away from the other party's home and place of work, and don't talk to each other.

No accusations, no threats, just an agreeement enforced by the court that you will leave each other alone.

[livednlearned]

I have thought so much about whether or not N/BPDxh would be violent toward me. I just don't know.

He has been physically intimidating -- blocking me from getting past him, backing me into walls and then pinning me, punching the wall next to my head, throwing things at me (including my dog), shouting inches from my face, locking me out of the house. The most physically rough thing he did was to slam a door while I was trying to get through, and he threw his full body weight against the door while I was still in it.  :'(

He used to talk about how many fights he got into as a kid, has had his nose broken, etc. But I don't know what to believe anymore.

I've read a lot about ROs, including Gavin deBecker's chapter on when to use them in Gift of Fear. Some research says that ROs actually trigger worse violence, and they certainly don't make you safe. My T helped me work through this last summer when I thought N/BPDx was going to hurt S11.

I don't know.  :'(

I decided I had to stop obsessing about whether he was a danger to me, and focus instead of doing what makes me feel safe. But this issue of sole custody -- I don't know how he will react. For how little he seems to want S11 (he cancelled their 4 hours together today again, and has cancelled his 8 hours together next weekend, and has made no request to make it up), he is sure putting a lot of time and energy into fighting for him.

Bleh. I don't always feel trapped, but today I do. I'm tired.

[ForeverDad]

Don't get snowed under.  Reflect on how much better your lives are than before.  Even if there are still some bumps in the road ahead, the ones ahead are smaller than the ones behind, you've come a long way in a short time.  That's something to help keep things in perspective.

[newlymarried]

First   

Second, going for sole custody will in the end make your life easier, and there will be more stability for your kiddos. I wish that my husband went for sole custody when we had the opportunity.

[mamachelle]

Yes, I totally agree with ForeverDad.

It's a lot about pattern recognition and stepping back and stepping away from things for a little while. Sometimes in the midst of the chaos I can disassociate from the fear and observe the fear.

[livednlearned]

It was a hard week -- both S11 and I were sick. I was still running a fever the day of court, missed three days of work, have an old, blind, sick dog, so much to do for school, work, and the house, no money, and I keep forgetting to send out invitations to my pity party.



Sometimes it's hard to see things clearly. I'm trying to not make any big decisions, or believe any of my own thoughts, when I feel so down, especially when I'm sick. This is the first time in 2.5 years when I was so sick I fell asleep and S11 had to put himself to bed.

You're right that it is better now than it used to be, even being a single sick parent is better than being with N/BPDx. And sole custody will make things easier -- I really appreciate those of you who remind me why.

I guess I needed a rallying cry to help me through this next stretch.

[Rose1]

I always found the times when the kids and I were both sick the hardest. I also found I needed thinking time out for myself or just doing nothing time. I used to go to bed and read a book once the kids were settled - they often read too at night so the house was peaceful. After working all day, dealing with the kid stuff and housework as your feet hit the floor at home a bit of time out was wonderful.

But you are right - it's still easier than dealing with a BPDexh who would not help anyway and either complained I was sick or became sicker himself. 

[tog]

The fact that he's cancelled his short time with S11 speaks volumes and I imagine it won't look good for him in court. Why should you have to co-parent with someone who doesn't even see the child?

None of this is about S11. It's about him hurting and controlling you with the thing that he knows is most important to you in the whole world.

I think I told this story, but when my SO's uN/BPDstbxw found out he wanted the family dog, she took it to the shelter where it was euthanized.  :'(  She does care about SS13 (in her way) but she also knows that he's very important to my SO. She fights for exclusive time with him, and when she has him, she essentially sends him off to his room to watch TV and play video games alone. At our house, we pick a series and watch it together, and then he goes to her place and watches it on his own... .  he has not once come to our place and said, "Mom and I are watching xxxxx show."

Hang in there. 

[Forward2free]

I agree that being sick as a single parent is the hardest thing. That's when routines work, and chaos doesn't. My dr once told me that the kids would be fine eating take out for a few days and there would be no long term negative affects. LOL. I really did try so hard to keep the balanced meals coming, but taking time out to get better really works.

I used to think it was easier having BPD/Nxh around, but I was a single parent then too, I just didn't realise it!

Go easy on yourself. Rest. Relax. Take a bath or whatever it is that will help you. Your body knows what you need to do to recover well. Take care!