rethinking whether to go for sole custody -- strange, I know

[livednlearned]

The parenting coordinator for my case called a hearing before the judge today.

Long story short: the judge handed N/BPDxh's his head on a platter. N/BPDx was arrogant and visibly angry, and brought his full trial lawyer performance out. My L said she has never seen the judge smack someone down like that before.

Strategically, to strike while the iron is hot, I have two options.

1. File a motion for sole custody. Consequences of this:

*I no longer need N/BPDxh's permission to travel with S11 to Canada to see my family. Customs recognizes sole custody.

*I have sole physical and legal custody of S11, including decision-making.

*It could be potentially more triggering for N/BPDxh because it is more likely to look like I "won"

2. File a motion for decision-making. Ask for a court-approved document allowing travel to Canada at any time. Consequences of this:

*I have a slightly unusual court document that customs will probably need to verify every time I try to travel to Canada

*I essentially have sole custody (any difference between primary physical, joint legal, and decision-making vs. sole custody?)

*Potentially less triggering to N/BPDxh

Outcome of today's hearings:

*PC is still assigned to our case.

*PC told the judge N/BPDx threatened her and she is physically afraid.

*Judge said "I never want to see this issue about minor child traveling to Canada with his mother in my court again. It is spelled out clearly in the order."

*Judge ordered N/BPDx to pay summer camp fees immediately.

*Judge said no overnight visitation right now until he sees N/BPDx's psych eval. 

*Judge is also allowing PC to share N/BPDx's psych eval with my L, but not me.

I have asked my L to prepare a motion for sole custody. She cautioned me that given N/BPDx's psychological profile, she wants me to think carefully about sole custody. Not that she won't do it, but to instead consider asking for:

1. a court-approved document that permits travel to Canada (I write the letter, N/BPDx signs it, the court approves it and seals it, or something like that).

2. decision-making

3. asking the PC to reapportion fees so that when N/BPDx takes us PCs time with bs, I do not have to pay for it.

Any thoughts on this? Sole custody does have a psychological aspect to it that is more than the sum of its parts.

Yes, it could be more triggering for N/BPDx, but everything triggers N/BPDx.

Even if I do not get sole custody right now, I can always ask for it later. My L thinks that pushing N/BPDx to sign a court-approved letter of consent for travel to Canada will seriously test him right now. He is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't, because judge does not want to see this issue in front of court again. She would like me to consider what I think are more mincing steps, but maybe that puts me at less risk.

Thanks for your input.

[Matt]

Maybe the terms are different in different places.

Where I live, I would ask for primary residential custody - maybe supervised visitation, or unsupervised but no overnights, for the other parent;  and joint legal custody but tie-breaker status.

The term "sole", I think means the other parent has no part of custody at all - a very extreme outcome which I think happens only if there is some extreme problem like drugs that make it completely unsafe for the child to be around him at all.

I would suggest you go for it - primary residential custody, minimal time with Dad, court-ordered psych evals and treatment, and joint legal custody but tie-breaker status for you.

But you can also include the other option:  "If the court does not approve this request (#1) we ask that the court order... .  (#2)."  That way, you minimize the risk that no change will be made.

Make sure the motion is put in terms of impact on the child.  "In order to provide for time with both parents, to minimize the risk to Child, and to facilitate Mother and Child traveling to visit Mother's family, we ask that... .  ".

[livednlearned]

Maybe the terms are different in different places.

Where I live, I would ask for primary residential custody - maybe supervised visitation, or unsupervised but no overnights, for the other parent;  and joint legal custody but tie-breaker status.

Here, the norm is physical custody, legal custody, and then decision-making. Sole custody is possible, but my L seems to think I stand a chance getting it based on how things went in court today, plus everything else.

The term "sole", I think means the other parent has no part of custody at all - a very extreme outcome which I think happens only if there is some extreme problem like drugs that make it completely unsafe for the child to be around him at all.

N/BPDx's behavior suggests there is something very wrong, not just to me -- you could see the judge taking it in today. Whatever was going on with N/BPDx was almost sinister. It was surreal. It was like watching emotional reasoning as a really sad art form, like N/BPDx was performing from a play he wrote, directed, and starred in, except we were all in real life with facts watching him perform.

I would suggest you go for it - primary residential custody, minimal time with Dad, court-ordered psych evals and treatment, and joint legal custody but tie-breaker status for you.

Going for it, in the sense of how things are in my state, would be asking for sole custody. The other stuff would be carving it up so that N/BPDx does not totally lose face. A mother who has sole custody in my state -- that sends a very strong message because it is not common. You have to really mess up as a parent in order for the other parent to get sole. On the other hand, agreeing to primary physical, joint legal, and decision-making, with 96% time, no overnights -- that's also a win, but much more complex to describe to people. Less threatening to N/BPDx. I stand a good chance of getting either of those, according to my L. She is asking me to double-check my thinking, to make sure that sole custody, which could be more triggering, is what I really want, and that it actually makes a difference from the other deal, which is essentially the same, but carved up.

Make sure the motion is put in terms of impact on the child.  "In order to provide for time with both parents, to minimize the risk to Child, and to facilitate Mother and Child traveling to visit Mother's family, we ask that... .  ".

Good point! It's sometimes easy to forget the important stuff. My L was good at putting that angle in there today, over and over and over.

[Matt]

Unless things are very different there, I think asking for "sole custody" at this point - while that might be the best outcome for you and for the child - is likely to be dismissed out of hand, and you're likely to be viewed as extreme for asking for it.

Asking for primary physical, with Dad getting no overnights, plus joint legal with tie-breaker status, is probably what you should go for - it's reasonable and fairly common, and it will get you what you really need - the ability to travel and to take care of your son.  Plus it won't be as much of a thumb in the father's eye (though it won't be a feather in his cap either).

The only disadvantage is that your son will have to spend time in the care of someone with serious problems, who presumably isn't in treatment.  That's not good, but it's probably OK - short periods of time, and the father will know that if he acts out things will get even worse for him.

If such a one-sided solution still doesn't work - it Dad still acts out in serious ways - then the next step might be to remove him from the picture entirely - "sole custody".  But that's usually after all else has failed, I think.

[ForeverDad]

I have been so frustrated with my court for taking baby steps when from the very beginning it was clear which parent was blocking and which was reasonably normal.  They danced around her issues and behaviors every time.  Each change reined her in just a little, I had two years of alternate weekends, stepped up to three years of Shared Parenting, stepped up to two years of custody, now seeking majority time.  Why couldn't they have opened their eyes and made it easier on everyone, especially my son?

IMO, if the opportunity arises where you can get sole custody, do so.  Whether you have joint or sole, neither will block father from time with his child, that would still be handled as a somewhat separate issue.  In your case, sole versus joint custody has more to do with co-parenting rather than with parenting.  You KNOW you can't co-parent, so don't be timid and opt for that thinking it will trigger ex less.  No matter what you do or don't do, he WILL get triggered.  Choosing joint or seeking only joint will NOT appease him, not for long.  So just do what you have to do and batten down the hatches whenever the storms approach.

Frankly, with the comments and testimony thus far, you may never have a stronger case for sole custody.  (If it's so bad the best PC can't manage it, why would the court expect you to fare better?)  And likely the court would be receptive to you being sole custodian.   Perhaps you can ask for sole custody but yet prepared to accept joint with decision-making if necessary.  As I said, sole custody does not mean father can't see his child, that can be dealt with separately.

[Matt]

I have been so frustrated with my court for taking baby steps when from the very beginning it was clear which parent was blocking and which wa sreasonably normal.  They danced around her issues and behaviors.  Each change reined her in just a little, i had two years of alternate weekends, stepped up to three years of Shared Parenting, stepped up to two years of custody, now seeking majority time.  Why couldn't they have opened their eyes and made it easier on everyone, especially my son?

IMO, if the opportunity arises where you can get sole custody, do so.  Whether you have joint or sole, neither will block father from time with his child, that would still be handled somewhat separately.  In your case, sole versus joint custody has more to do with co-parenting rather than with parenting.  You KNOW you can't co-parent, so don't be timid and opt for that thinking it will trigger ex less.  No matter what you do or don't do, he WILL get triggered.  Choosing joint or seeking only joint will NOT appease him, not for long.  So just do what you have to do and batten down the hatches whenever the storms approach.

I think FD's point is, if a relatively healthy parent has control, she can make sure the child has contact with both parents.

But if the not-so-mentally-healthy parent has even partial control, he can make things very difficult and block stuff that should happen, like normal vacations and counseling.

Giving the healthier parent control does not mean no contact with the other parent.  It means the healthier parent can ensure the child's time with the other parent is positive.

[stuckinbetween]

LnL,

I'd say strike while the iron is hot.   Go for sole custody.  The judge is obviously in the mood to give it to you, since he never wants this issue in his court again.  He got a good look at N/BPD behavior and character yesterday (lucky for you) and heard from the PC.  You really can't control xh's triggers, because if not this, than something else, but maybe sole custody will give both you and your S less contact with xh.  Does he have ASPD too?

Stuckinbetween

[Waddams]

Just my humble opinion -

If you have sole custody, you have control of everything, which will make moving forward in your life much easier.  If N/BPDxh has any amount of rights at all, he'll at worst use them to be vindictive towards you, and at best, you're still tied to him even a little.

Here's an example.  I'm divorced.  50/50 custody.  XW has tiebreakers on school/medical, I have tiebreaker on extracurriculars.  I pay child support to her because I make a lot more money than she does.

I have an SO now that I'm head over heels for.  We've been together over a year and a half.  She recently got a job out of state, and pretty much had to take it.  Just too good an opportunity to turn down.  I've now been down to visit her 3 times.  I love the area, much more than where I'm at.  She's in a laid back beach town.  I'm in a busy, hustling, bustling big city.  I grew up in a laid back beach town.  For a few years, I've deep down wanted to get out of here and get back to a coastal community.

Now SO's in an area I think is great.  She's got a good job.  I could eventually find something there and set up a relocation, and her and I would be together, in a place we both like a lot better than here.  SO's sister is a procurement officer with a large government agency and actually has influence with various contractors and coudl probably help me get a very well paying job there because I have the qualifications for it.  EXCEPT I can't move away from here because I'm still tied up w/ the court orders.  If I had sole custody, I could do whatever I wanted to.  Instead, if I move, I give up 50/50 custody to a woman that, while she is acting stable right now, has a history of instability.

So the moral of the story is that if you have other circumstances that are currently unforseen happen for you in the future, and they are good things you'd like to take advantage of, if you don't have sole custody, then you have more hoops to jump through to take advantage of them in the future, if you can at all. 

My advice:  Get as much FREEDOM from your N/BPDxh as you can NOW.  The more freedom you have from him, the better off you are.  And that's true in any divorce situation, not just one involving a PD-type person.  You want to be as free and clear of the other person as much as possible.  Non-interference is the point.  That way you are free to move forward with whatever life throws at you.  If you can get sole custody, DO IT. 

[tog]

The court obviously sees your X for what he is or he would have more than 4 hour visits twice a week, or whatever he has.

I think sole custody makes sense in your case, because your son does need protection and your X has shown himself to be intractable and dangerous at times, with very little to offer your son as a parent and almost no ability to co-parent (my SO's stbxw does have her positive qualities and moments when she is cooperative).

Why not ask for it and figure if not, they will give you the other?

[ForeverDad]

If you don't at least try for sole custody now, years from now you'll be kicking yourself - hard.

I've always been an advocate for seeking the best options, not the lesser ones you have to settle for and suffer with.

For many of us, getting sole custody is not realistic.  For you, it is.  ":)on't look a gift horse in the mouth." ":)on't fold your hand if you have a full house and the guy across the table has nothing."

[livednlearned]

Thanks for the replies -- I needed to hear from you. Got a little sidetracked by some magical thinking there for a second 

FD and tog, your encouragement to go for sole custody means a lot! It's hard to see my own case in a bigger context sometimes, I am so used to it just being plain hard, I forget sometimes that there are breaks.

And, waddams, thanks especially for helping me think about this in terms of future issues. I guess I'm still prone to thinking fearfully about N/BPDx, as though I have some kind of say in how he reacts to what I do, or don't do. It's funny, I think the most consistent advice I give to others is to focus on being assertive about what is best for the kids, and for us, and to ignore what our ex's do. I probably am talking to myself 

I wrote my L about getting a court-approved document permitting travel to Canada, written by me, signed by N/BPDx, and she said, "I think the judge would wonder why you weren't just asking for sole custody."

So, yeah. Old habits are hard to break.

But I am going to push on the Letter of Consent to travel with S11 to Canada in April -- the one that is supposed to be easy to get based on the original consent order (not one that needs validation from the court). N/BPDx is dysregulating big time right now (weirdest email to the PC ever, following yesterday's hearing). He isn't going to do the best thing for himself, so who knows, this might get easier and easier, at least in terms of how the courts view him.

Here goes, then. Wish me luck! I gave my L the go ahead to file the motion. She's going to draft it first, then I'll review it, then we send it. I've asked her to wait until I'm back from a conference in March, since my mom will be here with S11 and I don't want to rock any boats while I'm out of town.

[tog]

Seems like you have nothing to lose. Given your circumstances the court is not likely to see it as just a power play.

[DreamGirl]

Yes, it could be more triggering for N/BPDx, but everything triggers N/BPDx.

I think this says a lot.

I'd do what you think is best and not be attached to that - you really can't constantly worry about what he may or may not do.

In my case, when I was awarded sole custody of my oldest son?

He gave up.

~DreamGirl

[ForeverDad]

I gave my L the go ahead to file the motion. She's going to draft it first, then I'll review it, then we send it. I've asked her to wait until I'm back from a conference in March, since my mom will be here with S11 and I don't want to rock any boats while I'm out of town.

While I don't know your circumstances or timetable, he may not give you the time to pick and choose your timing.  Get it prepared ASAP.  Then listen to your lawyer, don't hold L back or resist L's advice.

[livednlearned]

I gave my L the go ahead to file the motion. She's going to draft it first, then I'll review it, then we send it. I've asked her to wait until I'm back from a conference in March, since my mom will be here with S11 and I don't want to rock any boats while I'm out of town.

While I don't know your circumstances or timetable, he may not give you the time to pick and choose your timing.  Get it prepared ASAP.  Then listen to your lawyer, don't hold L back or resist L's advice.

FD, can you share your thinking on why it's best to file sooner? What might he do that I should be thinking about... .  

[Rose1]

I also agree - go with what you can get. Down the track this situation may never occur again. So what if he does a major act out? If you have sole custody you could take a sudden trip to Canada and lose yourself for a few weeks till he forgets about it. You can't if you haven't and he is just as likely to disregulate if you go for a softer option. It may not even end up being about you - his behaviour in court won't win him any brownie points and he may lose business over it. He will naturally blame you.

I had good advice from a lawyer years ago - went to a women's service to try and get some court order in place to make exBPDh see the kids. I was told to leave it alone because anything I did would be equally binding on me and with nothing in place there was nothing stopping me from withholding a visit on a day that exBPDh was either medicated with alcohol or in a foul temper and I felt it was unsafe. Had to do that once or twice so it was good not to be compelled by law to send D's into a bad situation.  In the long run I had defacto sole custody because he just didn't give a damn and only wanted to see the kids if and when it suited him. He didn't pay much support either - spent more energy on dodging it than actually getting a proper paying job would have cost him. I still think we were better off.

[mamachelle]

I'm just joining the chorus to go for Sole now. I have joint custody -- residential parent but defacto sole custody except for cases like border crossings...

I can not get passports for my 2DD 13and 16 without a signature from him until they are 16. Ok so one is 16 but have to wait 3years on the other. My lawyer said since 9/11 you really don't want to mess around with this stuff. My exH is from Mexico and if he knew they had pasports it would trigger him so I don't want him involved, for this and many other reasons we are very LC and my 2DD are NC.

So, for that reason alone, I would try for the whole enchilada.

We also did not want to trigger BPDexH with Sole custody but looking back I wish I had.

Also, just want to add that your exH behavior is alarming and I hope you are taking care.

[Rose1]

The major problems we had were when it was necessary to discuss options with him - it was either an opportunity to make my life as difficult as possible or a cop out. Passport for oldest D was one - a school trip overseas. Great opportunity I would have paid for, not a cent asked of him but he fussed so much about the passport with accusations that I would leave the country with her (no passport request for youngest - did he think I would leave her here?), kidnap her etc. Dragged it on so long that I said I would have to get a court order. He then signed the paperwork.

With discussion (courtesy) of what subjects D should take at high school all I got "do what you think is best". In other words do all the work unless I can interfere in some way to make life hard. If you can cut some of this out, and it feels like your exh would also try to make anything he had any influence over impossible, then do it.

[sanemom]

Another vote for sole!  Everyone else has articulated my thoughts... .  you will be so glad you did!

 

[ForeverDad]

I gave my L the go ahead to file the motion. She's going to draft it first, then I'll review it, then we send it. I've asked her to wait until I'm back from a conference in March, since my mom will be here with S11 and I don't want to rock any boats while I'm out of town.

While I don't know your circumstances or timetable, he may not give you the time to pick and choose your timing.  Get it prepared ASAP.  Then listen to your lawyer, don't hold L back or resist L's advice.

FD, can you share your thinking on why it's best to file sooner? What might he do that I should be thinking about... .  

"He may not give you the time to pick and choose your timing."  I said that with the thought that if you're in a holding pattern waiting for a better time and then he flares up again, you won't get the chance to seek custody in an orderly way according to your timetable anyway.  You'd have to toss all your plans and react to the immediate situation.

We often have new members arriving and saying "I'm waiting until... .  " but the problem is that they've already been waiting and waiting for that perfect time and somehow it never comes, something always goes awry.  What if when you get past that trip that some other issue rears its head and you want to delay again?

Another consideration is this, right now you have the courts ear due to his recent extremely poor behaviors.  In a couple months and if he's been calm during that time the court could reason "maybe it was a one-off a few months ago, maybe he's more stable than we first thought, maybe we don't have to take strong measures, maybe... .  "  Time and absence of his outrageous behaviors could weaken your position.  Not saying it will, but it could.

It is your call to decide when to submit a motion, but have it prepared ASAP and then listen to your lawyer's advice.  Your lawyer is able to see the case objectively, without your emotional and subjective worries.

[livednlearned]

It is your call to decide when to submit a motion, but have it prepared ASAP and then listen to your lawyer's advice.  Your lawyer is able to see the case objectively, without your emotional and subjective worries.

At the end of one of his most recent disordered emails, he wrote, "Motion follows."

I suspect something is in the works, like you said. I wrote to my L and asked her what motion could he file? And also said I wanted to act swiftly while this is fresh in front of the judge, and before N/BPDx does something that puts me on my heels.

Will see. N/BPDx is not spending $$$ to hire an L, so I think even if I get sole custody, I'll still be in court, over and over and over again.



Nothing new there, it just sucks.

[Rose1]

Ask your lawyer if changing jurisdiction (ie moving to another state) is likely to stop some of the endless court action - at least for a while.

[livednlearned]

My L wrote up the Order following the hearing on Tuesday, and for some reason, seeing it in writing really drove home how seriously disordered N/BPDxh is. Not that I had to be reminded, but it made the hairs on my arm stand up when I read:

During her course of working with the defendant, the Parent Coordinator has experienced abusive and threatening communications from the defendant and is worried about her safety, as well as, the safety of the plaintiff.

:'( It's hard to feel like I'm winning when I see a sentence like that.

The Parent Coordinator read several emails to the Court which had the Court concerned and the Court deemed that the defendant’s communication was

threatening to the Parent Coordinator and that there was no other way to evaluate the communication sent by the defendant.

I am going to file a motion for sole custody and try to be as safe as possible. I guess that's all anyone can do in a situation like this.

Thanks for all your support.

LnL

[DreamGirl]

My L wrote up the Order following the hearing on Tuesday, and for some reason, seeing it in writing really drove home how seriously disordered N/BPDxh is. Not that I had to be reminded, but it made the hairs on my arm stand up when I read:

During her course of working with the defendant, the Parent Coordinator has experienced abusive and threatening communications from the defendant and is worried about her safety, as well as, the safety of the plaintiff.

:'( It's hard to feel like I'm winning when I see a sentence like that.

The Parent Coordinator read several emails to the Court which had the Court concerned and the Court deemed that the defendant’s communication was

threatening to the Parent Coordinator and that there was no other way to evaluate the communication sent by the defendant.

I am going to file a motion for sole custody and try to be as safe as possible. I guess that's all anyone can do in a situation like this.

I think you have a pretty good chance. At some point enough is enough.

[ForeverDad]

Ask your lawyer if changing jurisdiction (ie moving to another state) is likely to stop some of the endless court action - at least for a while.

Are you tied to your current area of residence or can you move?  Maybe that's something to include in the order, that that court order state that if you wish to relocate in the future then the court will only require you to file the relocation notice with the court.  (In DV cases sometimes the court will not inform the other parent where the new address is.  My county has a form that has a checkbox asking the court, with substantiation, not to inform the other parent of the new address.)

That would make any child exchanges very problematic, but keep this option in mind, see if it can be added as a clause in any motion to reduce risk of future litigation should you decide to move.

[mamachelle]

I think you should try for Suspended Visitation with counseling mandated and/or then Court Supervised Visitation. I was able to get that and my ExBPDH was not acting threatening to any of those in authority. It has helped to keep my 2 DD away from BPDDad for 4 years. My exH is not so wealthy or able to work the system as many here so I've been lucky and my DD have been too.

I found this online tool  (see link below) on the mosaic method-- years later after reading Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker and then seeing him on Oprah. I'm not sure your NPDexH has threatened you, and I don't want to add more anxiety, but it is a very useful objective tool to evaluate threats. I did it a few years ago and I was still at an 8 when not in court. Just dealing with child support and going through the history.

Direct Link:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Oprah's site link to it.

www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

[livednlearned]

I think you should try for Suspended Visitation with counseling mandated and/or then Court Supervised Visitation. I was able to get that and my ExBPDH was not acting threatening to any of those in authority. It has helped to keep my 2 DD away from BPDDad for 4 years. My exH is not so wealthy or able to work the system as many here so I've been lucky and my DD have been too.

I found this online tool  (see link below) on the mosaic method-- years later after reading Gift of Fear, by Gavin de Becker and then seeing him on Oprah. I'm not sure your NPDexH has threatened you, and I don't want to add more anxiety, but it is a very useful objective tool to evaluate threats. I did it a few years ago and I was still at an 8 when not in court. Just dealing with child support and going through the history.

Direct Link:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Oprah's site link to it.

www.oprah.com/oprahshow/MOSAIC-Gavin-de-Beckers-Online-Threat-Assessment-Tool

Yeah, I did the mosaic test several times. My highest was a 9, and the custody stuff definitely bumps it up.

The PC asked my L if she thought N/BPDx was going to follow through on his threats. L said so far he has been a lot of bluster. I told my L that I see two kinds of threats: Is he going to follow through on what he says he is going to do, vs. the second kind, which is the stuff I fear he's going to do because he's mentally ill.

He drinks heavily, he's disordered, he's big, he's mean, and he's losing his kid. He's also a crack shot, too, with guns in the house.

But he's all those things regardless of what I do.

[livednlearned]

Ask your lawyer if changing jurisdiction (ie moving to another state) is likely to stop some of the endless court action - at least for a while.

Are you tied to your current area of residence or can you move?  Maybe that's something to include in the order, that that court order state that if you wish to relocate in the future then the court will only require you to file the relocation notice with the court.  (In DV cases sometimes the court will not inform the other parent where the new address is.  My county has a form that has a checkbox asking the court, with substantiation, not to inform the other parent of the new address.)

That would make any child exchanges very problematic, but keep this option in mind, see if it can be added as a clause in any motion to reduce risk of future litigation should you decide to move.

That's a really good point. I'll talk to my L about adding that in.

In response to the order that my L just typed up, N/BPDx responded with 3 pages of objections. It's intelligence meets emotional reasoning meets mental illness meets trial lawyer representing himself pro se. He appears to be pissing on the judge's toes thinking that might work in his favor.

[AnotherPhoenix]

Ask your lawyer if changing jurisdiction (ie moving to another state) is likely to stop some of the endless court action - at least for a while.

Are you tied to your current area of residence or can you move?  Maybe that's something to include in the order, that that court order state that if you wish to relocate in the future then the court will only require you to file the relocation notice with the court.  (In DV cases sometimes the court will not inform the other parent where the new address is.  My county has a form that has a checkbox asking the court, with substantiation, not to inform the other parent of the new address.)

That would make any child exchanges very problematic, but keep this option in mind, see if it can be added as a clause in any motion to reduce risk of future litigation should you decide to move.

That's a really good point. I'll talk to my L about adding that in.

In response to the order that my L just typed up, N/BPDx responded with 3 pages of objections. It's intelligence meets emotional reasoning meets mental illness meets trial lawyer representing himself pro se. He appears to be pissing on the judge's toes thinking that might work in his favor.

 LnL,

If you want to do it, as the others have said, the time is now.

Are you hesitating? That's not necessarily a bad thing.

What concerns you the most?

Of course, it may not be wise to act before you are ready, but if you are going to go for increased or sole custody, it will be harder to do the longer you wait.

He drinks heavily, he's disordered, he's big, he's mean, and he's losing his kid. He's also a crack shot, too, with guns in the house.

But he's all those things regardless of what I do.

Not only that, but if he thinks his tactics are working because you aren't taking action, then he might think he can get away with more.

Also, even though he's going to do what he's going to do, I wonder if it might trigger your NPDex less if you file sooner, since he might be expecting something, instead of letting things calm down, but then file--you'll catch him by surprise.

Of course, as the others suggest, the longer you wait to file/act, the less of a problem it will appear to be to the judge. Right now, it sounds like the judge thinks it is a huge problem.

But, more than anything, what are your concerns?

AnotherPheonix   

AnotherPheonix 

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Sounded like your concern in part was how easy/hard it would be entering Canada... any way you can get the easy to enter docs ahead of time maybe, something that lets your ex keep face and still has you going without undue stress from him being a dick?

My dad is NPD, and he would have taken a move for sole custody as a shot over the bow, a declaration of war... never mind that he was incompetent to raise anyone. Are you sure you can't get the typical permission slips signed by the not present parent... ahead of time... so its not a full custody battle, but just a pre-agreed done deal that you can take your kid with you on trips to Canada?