Emotional support

[dharmagems]

I just filed for Complaint for Divorce against my hBPD yesterday at my county courthouse.  Afterwards, I felt a small relief that my anxieties and tumult of our relationship will soon be over.

But, today I had a panic I won't have someone to lean on or who will listen to me any longer.  I am scared.

I have been recently feeling isolated and alone.  I have isolated myself during these 3 years because of the depression and anxiety in the r/s, and I also struggle with social anxiety.  You see, I used to use my husband for talk support for the last years.  He was very good at listening to me and consoling me and encouraging me when I got into anxiety and he helped me with that.  He also was a caring person about my physical condidtion of taking care of my reactive hypoglycemia through diet.

So I could socialize again, a part of my plan is to be looking to rent a room in the big city, and find a job, 1hr. drive from the house I am staying in now, so I could have a sense of being around people again.   That process is daunting and overwhelming.  I also made a list of people I knew from the city I've been aquaintance and friends with years before I met my husband.  I hope to get in contact with them again.  I reminisced about times I spent with those friends.

Yesterday night I called an old friend from CA, and she listened to my story, and I felt such an opening of ease and relief.  She told me all I have to do now is heal.  Take the time to care for my inner child and my big adult, and caring for them.  She said please reach out if I'd like to talk again more in the future.  It felt so good to be loved and cared for again by contacting my friend.  Finally, after being silent for so long.

Still, I have a surge of lonliness and grief about the end of this r/s.

I am starting to question myself and feeling scared about my future.

[seeking balance]

HI dharmagems,

Of course you are doubting yourself - this is not something we do routinely in life - it is normal to feel panic'd, scared, lonely... .  totally normal.

It sounds like you have a good plan - change is scary, but you will be ok.  You are also going to be responsible for yourself now - something that feels weird when we are get used to someone else caring also.  I travel with my job and I remember how odd and sad it felt when I got on or off the plane and there was really nobody to text saying "I made it". 

Take good care of you right now - baby steps, you will be ok.

Peace,

SB