I feel selfish.

[heartsong]

I feel selfish for having feelings. I feel selfish for being fed up with her (my sister). I feel selfish for not catering to her every need nor walking on eggshells around her like my mom does. I feel selfish for being angry. I feel selfish for wanting my parents' love and attention too. I feel selfish because my life is "so much better" and I've been so much "more successful". I feel like that means I have no right to be angry with her or upset at her or exhausted like I am.

I'm sure I'm not the only one but I've never met someone who truly understands.

[mosaicbird]

I get it.   I spent a long time thinking I was pathologically selfish because I couldn't put her first when I was growing up and because I had needs of my own.

You do have the right to feel that way - our feelings are our own, and nobody else has the right to try to own or control them for us.

[GeekyGirl]

  It's really, really hard to get past the feeling that you're "selfish" for having feelings. It's likely that you've been getting the message for a while from your sister that having feelings of your own (especially ones that don't align with hers) is selfish. It's not selfish to feel. You do have the right to be angry. It's very normal and healthy to want love from your parents. Just because you're angry at your sister doesn't mean that it's wrong to feel that way. 

What helps is looking at it a little differently. You can acknowledge how you feel and (here's the empowering and sometimes tough part) then decide what to do with those feelings. My T and I have worked on this quite a bit. When I feel selfish, I dive into why I feel that way and then counter it-- "I'm selfish" translates to "I stand up for myself when someone has hurt my feelings."

[heartsong]

As many times as I think about it, you're right.

We're all entitled to our emotions. What tends to make me feel worse is letting them get the best of me. Letting the feelings that come make me act in ways that make me not like myself. I will try what you mentioned. It's good to have a support system that understands. It's difficult when I feel judged by other people who tell me to just have patience when they don't fully understand how difficult that can be some days.

[gcm]

It's difficult when I feel judged by other people who tell me to just have patience when they don't fully understand how difficult that can be some days.

I totally agree! It is very difficult when people don't get it, and tell you to just "deal". It is so hard to get people to understand the complication of all of this, and yes, it is exhausting some days. Today was really tough.  I just wish all of us could find a little bit of peace.   

[GeekyGirl]

It is very difficult when people don't get it, and tell you to just "deal". It is so hard to get people to understand the complication of all of this, and yes, it is exhausting some days.

To people who grew up with healthy, nurturing parents, it's very hard to understand what it's like to have a parent with BPD. My DH has seen my mother in many different moods, including rages over the last 10 years and he says that it's very hard for him to understand (my MIL is very kind and easygoing). It can be very frustrating at times, because it does feel like none of my friends *get it*. That said, I'm grateful that they try.

It's very easy to feel selfish after you've been conditioned to put your needs aside for someone else's for years. It's also easy to feel guilty when you feel like people are judging you for being angry. It doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong. 

[Kwamina]

Hi heartsong,

My mother has BPD and I've also felt selfish and guilty many times but now I realize that she wanted me to feel that way so she could manipulate me into putting her needs before my own. In reality my mother is the selfish one and she'll use all kinds of tactics to get what she wants, like intimidation and manipulation. If I don't do what she wants she'll also use the threat of telling other people how selfish and mean I am. I get the feeling that you probably have very similar experiences with your sister. My oldest sister also has BPD and she actually goes as far as threatening to kill herself to manipulate other people in doing exactly what she wants. She has never ever made an actual suicide attempt, but she sure likes to threaten with it. Have you had similar experiences?