Feel paralyzed, like a fraud...

[Furuma3]

After putting 2+2 together, getting a T and L, setting boundaries and realizing my 15 year marriage died several years ago, I still can't bring myself to pull the trigger and file for divorce. I never knew it would be this hard.

My wife is verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me and to a far lesser extent, our 3 kids. She is a black hole of need, be it affection, attention or finances. I've come to grips with the fact that I want out of the marriage for both myself and our kids' sakes. But I just can't seem to get to the place where I can pull the plug on it all.

Some mitigating factors:

- wife had gastric cancer, now cancer-free for a year but in her (and her friends and family's) mind is still a cancer patient for the next 4 years. She's playing the "how can you abandon your cancer-ridden wife" card heavily.

- wife is Asian, from a culture where both marriage counseling and divorce are considered "shameful".

- MIL currently living with us, also possible BPD. Also playing the "how can you abandon your cancer-ridden wife" card heavily.

- keeps bringing up how "happy" and "successful" we've been- 3 great kids, my career success, our "sweet" home- she'll change some but don't expect much.

I try to get a grip and keep honest with her about how miserable I've been, how I think we need a trial separation, etc. She discounts that info as "overreaction" or just ignores completely. She's not going, her mom's not going.

I feel like coming clean with her and saying "you have BPD and our marriage died long before you got cancer" but I don't know if she'd even accept that.

I know, I'm venting, but any tips to get to that place where you can get a grip and end the marriage in spite of factors that make it hard to?

Anything would help- I feel like a "mole" in my own marriage!

[dharmagems]

I pulled the trigger on divorce paper filing yesterday.  It's different from you because I shared no children or assets with my stbuBPDh for 3 years.

BUT--it took me the whole time to go through the gamut of extreme emotions, from feeling super-cared for and finally loved in this world, to PTSD from the extreme rage/blame he exhibited.  I also had domestic violence in my childhood household therefore reawakening old childhood wounds.  It was HELL on earth for me.

It took me a year to feel so bad and scared about change and thoughts like "maybe he will freak out on me if I told him I wanted to leave the marriage".   Plus, he did treat me wonderfully, gave me a lot of attention-or mirrored me- and it is SO LIKE A DRUG to my ego.  Still, I had all this shame and guilt on me that this r/s wasn't my dream.  I had thought by meeting him I could finally rest and enjoy life. I wish someone would make the decision for me, so I didn't have to go through a lot of PAIN.  I was trying to avoid the divorce process and pain.


Good luck, there are many people making decisions, and you're not alone.  I wish you great strength.  There is a light in the tunnel.  Hang in there.  Make wise decisions everyday that benefit.  There's only one life we live ultimately.  We deserve to give the healthy care, love, and stability to ourselves and share it with people who are in the pursuit of the same.