My mother just died this morning

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't been on in a while because I was really trying to heal but this morning, I got a phone call from my mother's nursing home that she passed away.

I don't really know how to feel about it. I haven't seen her in four years and haven't talked to her in two years. She probably didn't even know that I was alive anymore - she was 89. She was taken away from me five years ago and I was pushed out of her life by "the state". We (my son and I) asked the nursing home if they would just take care of her because I just couldn't do it anymore. They agreed two years ago and I haven't heard another word since, but I guess they felt that they should notify me. Why? I don't know.

On one hand, I feel relieved that she's gone, on the other hand, I feel terrible. I read on the other board that a poster called Odysseus (spelling is probably wrong) that her mother died as well and even though she was also pushed out, she feels all alone as well. My heart goes out to her because I know exactly how she feels.

I'm not going up there to get her body or to give her a funeral. I'm guessing that the state has everything taken care of but on the other hand, I feel denied the right to bury my own mother. I just don't know how to feel. Most of all, I feel like a bad daughter, yet again, and I feel sad about this because I was such a good daughter all of her life.

Due to my mother's extreme machinations, I was also pushed away for no reason. I guess I just need a shoulder right now because down deep, I'm very sad. Very sad that she never allowed me to love her and never loved me.

[Sasha026]

I haven't been on in a while because I was really trying to heal but this morning, I got a phone call from my mother's nursing home that she passed away.

I don't really know how to feel about it. I haven't seen her in four years and haven't talked to her in two years. She probably didn't even know that I was alive anymore - she was 89. She was taken away from me five years ago and I was pushed out of her life by "the state". We (my son and I) asked the nursing home if they would just take care of her because I just couldn't do it anymore. They agreed two years ago and I haven't heard another word since, but I guess they felt that they should notify me. Why? I don't know.

On one hand, I feel relieved that she's gone, on the other hand, I feel terrible. I read on the other board that a poster called Odysseus (spelling is probably wrong) that her mother died as well and even though she was also pushed out, she feels all alone as well. My heart goes out to her because I know exactly how she feels.

I'm not going up there to get her body or to give her a funeral. I'm guessing that the state has everything taken care of but on the other hand, I feel denied the right to bury my own mother. I just don't know how to feel. Most of all, I feel like a bad daughter, yet again, and I feel sad about this because I was such a good daughter all of her life.

Due to my mother's extreme machinations, I was also pushed away for no reason. I guess I just need a shoulder right now because down deep, I'm very sad. Very sad that she never allowed me to love her and never loved me.

[redroom]

Sasha, I'm so sorry!   

My uBPDm is still alive, but my uNPD dad passed away about a year and a half ago.  Even though I grew up living with him, outside of him abusing me, there really was no relationship.  Since the age of 18 (over a decade ago), I've had almost no contact with him.  He was terminally ill and slowly went downhill over 8 years, so I knew it was coming.  I told myself that I wouldn't go to his funeral when he passed... .  

But a lot of how I felt changed when I got that call telling me that he was at the end.  In my mind, I went back to the one or two times as a child when he actually treated me like a human being (my very early years).  And that was the dad I mourned.  I did end up going to the funeral, because I was just so caught up in the love-fest, for lack of a better word.    Looking back, I wish I hadn't gone, because I feel that by going I was endorsing my role in his treatment of me (i.e. I was telling the world that I deserved to be his victim and had come to terms with that). 

But my point w/ all this, though, is that no matter how many times you've rehearsed the scene (the phone call, etc.) in your mind, or how prepared you feel you are, a lot of that just goes out the window when they actually do pass.  I didn't even realize that I needed to mourn the good father that appeared very sporadically throughout my childhood, but when the death came, I found myself mourning it. 

But then I had to deal with who he really was and how he treated me, too.  My dad was very charismatic and everyone loved him.  There was a line of people out the door (no joke) waiting to say goodbye to him as he was dying.  I really wasn't prepared for all of the "he was one of the kindest men you'd meet" sort of comments that came from everyone, especially those who witnessed my abuse. 

It was all just very baffling.  Even though I despise/pity my mom and tell myself that I won't care when she dies, I'm pretty sure it'll stir up a lot of what I feel. 

It doesn't excuse what she did to you or allowed to have happen to you, but your mom was a very broken person.  Even if she was incapable of love, her life still mattered.  It just seems like such a waste to leave behind the legacy that your mom left behind (and that my mom will leave behind). 

And it seems like you really did the best you could.  You probably did more for her than a lot of other people would. 

[P.F.Change]

I guess I just need a shoulder right now because down deep, I'm very sad. Very sad that she never allowed me to love her and never loved me.

That is sad. She really missed out, and you never had your needs met by her. Mothers are supposed to love their children, not push them away. I am sad for her hard heart and your broken one.  :'(

But just because she was bad at being a mother does not mean you are a bad daughter. It sounds like you did all you could for her. She had a free will to accept love and kindness or reject it; no matter how good you were to her, that was her own choice. Reaching the limit of what you could give was not a shortcoming on your part. You did all you could for someone incapable of repaying you. That is no small thing.

Even now, you don't have to be there in order to grieve her or honor the good parts of her. This is a complicated grief, and my thoughts are with you as you navigate it. If you have a therapist, this might be a good time to check in with her/him.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[linusham]

I am so sorry Sasha.

A loss that is complicated by conflicted feelings can often hit us in ways we might not be expecting and so if you are in touch with a therapist it might be a good idea to have some sessions just to help you sort through any feelings that may - or may not - come up in the coming months.

I'm so sorry that you didn't have that mothers love that all children deserve. You're not a bad daughter, you tried your best to have a relationship with someone who, sadly, just wasn't capable of normal feelings. I send you all my thoughts and prayers.

[Sasha026]

As I have said, I haven't been on for a while, but previously I was an "on/off" member since 2003 - 2007 for bpdfamily.coms. I have found that I could leave for a while, when my perspective came more into focus then coming back when the waters got very muddy again. The waters seem to be getting very murky right now, so I'm back for your help. I do have a therapist and I will tell you what he said at the end of my post, but first, I would like to thank you for your sharp perspective and comforting words of support.

Each and every one of you has said something that struck me. That was the word "complicated". I have forgotten how complicated this is, instead focusing on my daily life. Since I lost my husband in 07, I've become way too wrapped up in my feelings about what he did to both my son and I. I really couldn't understand what happened so it became a circular logic problem, looping around and around in my head - driving me nuts. I tried to take the focus off the problems with my mother and father opting for my more adult problems with my husband these last two years. In reality, she was at the core of my problems with him since the day I met him, driving a wedge, making insinuations and stirring the pot - leaving me with doubts and fear - anger and suspicion. Either which way, she was right about him and I was wrong. Her suspicions were true which made me feel worse. I think she enjoyed herself - smirking at my betrayal as though she enjoyed it. She just love to see people in pain - especially, but not exclusively, me. I'll always remember her wide eyed look silently saying, "I told you so. I always knew he would cheat on you because you're just not lovable, no matter what you do!"

Then I remember her singing tour a lour a loura, an Irish lullaby, to me as a child. A nice memory. Probably the only one that is not tainted with just horrible memories attached, but then I also remember how she would snap her fingers at me like a dog expecting me to follow when I was a small child. I also remember her "confession" that she always thought I was nothing but an  embarrassing albatross after I opened my home to her for two months the year she had a heart attack in 07. This was six months before my husband dropped dead in front of me. Then after the six month hiatus, returning to wreck havoc at his funeral, claiming that she was bored. Never once putting her arms around me to give me a hug, no matter how hard I cried.

My therapist tells me that my guilt feelings are par for the course with the "abused child" syndrome. He also tells me that I have been so traumatized that it's understandable that I would shift the blame to myself, instead of marking her as a broken person. It has taken me a lifetime to understand that her behavior was unthinkably cruel and not all people come from homes like mine. My therapist also tells me that children of Borderlines suffer terribly with emotional problems because this personality disorder is "crazy making". I know that my mother was not the worst mother, but she was a close runner up. She was pretty bad.

Do I wish her a life in hell for what she did to me and my family? No. I wish her peace. I hope the demon inside of her is dispelled back to hell but I also want her to understand that what she did was wrong - something she admitted in the last cognitive conversation I had with her. I hope she understands now that the only reason I walked away was for self preservation for myself as well as my son. I never meant to be selfish or cruel. Going back to claim her body now would only bring extreme pain and no closure. What's done is done.

Hugs to all of you for your kind words of support.   

[DogDancer]

Sasha026,

Hi. So sorry for the pain you're experiencing. I don't think it's possible to have uncomplicated grief when one's parent dies, and the parent has been abusive for one's whole life! My dxBPD mother died many years ago when I was 28, and she was 54. I'm 46 now, and have been in therapy for two years, sorting out my feelings and processing exactly how abusive the situation in my FOO was.

Yes, guilt is typical of abused children, and as my T points out to me regularly, the invisible wounds of emotional abuse and neglect are often the deepest kinds.

Your mixed feelings of grief and anger yet terrible sadness and loss are not only valid, they are entirely justified. You didn't have a loving mother. You had an abuser who was broken. She inflicted pain, she did wrong, and she did not meet your needs. Mine was the same, and yet I grieved her death terribly; it was the finality of it, the sadness that there was know NO hope or time for her to seeking recovery (a doubtful prospect had she lived) and for us to have even a tiny chance of having a loving, appropriate mother-daughter relationship.

Hang onto that one last conversation you had with her in which she was able to admit that what she did was wrong. We know that that is a very difficult thing for people with BPD to stay with -- reality and their own actions -- but she did know and she admitted it. You know it to be one of the rare moments to truth and honesty. I think it's worth holding onto as you continue to grieve for her, but really also, for yourself, for the loss of all that you so deserved and never had in her, and never will have in her. 

Be so gentle with yourself. She IS dispelled of her inner demons now. And you... .  YOU are normal, you are good, you are hurt - wounded -- but unbroken, you have been taking responsibility for your healing for a long time, so you've been wise and strong. That you're upset now... .  also a sign that you are normal and a good person! Just float for a while in the murky waters and... .  breathe.

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.

Peace and more healing for us all,

DogDancer

[Texaussie]

Sasha,

I am so very sorry for you.  I wish I had some words of comfort or experience to offer.  I wish you peace and comfort.

Texaussie