off day today

[lockedout]

I've been on a winning streak the past couple of weeks, but for some reason I'm feeling a bit angry and depressed today. I think I just had a slow enough day to stop and think about things. I'm renting a room near the house I really miss and the stbBPDex changed the locks to make sure I can't get into my house. I don't miss her or the painful memories, but I loved living there aside from her and took great pride in taking care of it. I have a large assortment of tools that are [hopefully still] just sitting in the garage, forgotten. Since I haven't been there in over a month - the last time I nearly killed the boyfriend when he decided to drive his car into the garage right in front of me while I was explaining to my son why I couldn't let him in the house. But I still imaging the pool getting dirty, the lawn overgrown (Florida) and invaded by weeds, fire and hills all over, repairs that need to be made... .  all the things I took pride in (and probably self medicated by staying on top of) are like a fading memory. I miss the view out the back of the house and being able to hop in the pool or hot tub any time I wanted to.

Right now I'm renting a room with a single high window made higher by an AC unit - converted garage actually. No yard to take care of, no repairs and upgrades to keep me busy. Luckily I ended up renting in a good house and I'll be switching rooms this weekend when someone else moves out. Luckily, the condo I (and only I) own will be vacant from my own renter and I'll be able to move into it in May. It's still not where I want to be my cash flow is still going to be negative. I spent a lot of money improving my condo unit while we still lived in it and this is where the anger sets in. 

All that money was borrowed. Then she got pregnant and we needed a larger car to replace the overpriced and useless sports car that she didn't need (wouldn't even drive it I was so mad). We replaced it with something nice, big, and expensive. I didn't mind since I expected us to stay in the condo for a while even after our son was born. Finances were still very manageable. But it wasn't too long that the condo became too small. Time for a house. of course we looked at what we "could afford", not what we "should afford" so that we still had something left over. 2011 was a financially difficult year after down payments, advances on escrows, taxed, and insurance not to mention all the stuff we needed for the house. My stomach was in knots from the time we started looking... .  until ... .  well, I still have that. Luckily the condo is all mine and I owe very little on it, but I still hate being in a negative cash flow.

My anger comes in when I think back to how much money was spent, how much effort was put in over the past few years thinking that the payments would stabilize (which they would over time), and that we would grow old together, happy and prosperous. Then when the stress of having a child set in, I know I had room for improvement but I did that. Seeking no recognition in that and when she became abusive... .  then my mental health took a serious decline. Then she ran out of thing to nag and condemn me over, she simply discarded me. Now I'm left with some big decisions and some big bills ahead of me. Not watching our son grow up in the beautiful house we picked out together or growing old in it. Or at the very least putting some of our differences aside so we could live somewhat happy lives. Just the bills and the empty feeling of being treated like the scum of the earth only to be tossed out like a bad habit.

[atcrossroads]

Wow, Lockedout.  I so relate to the house stuff and am so sorry she's behaving so shamefully (but there is no shame for them, is there?). Your resentment and anger are very understandable in light of how she's treated you, not to mention having to deal with the financial loss and stress.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard day - it seems with BPD breakups this is the norms.  Up and down days with lots of ruminations thrown in. 

How are things going with your son?

I hope tomorrow is a better day - for both of us.  Hang in there!

[lockedout]

The off days come less and less frequently - it gets better but they won't fully go away any time soon. She had no apology over the boyfriend's suicide attempt - she apologized for getting mad at my reaction over the whole thing. Other than that he was just "the computer guy from work who was doing her a favor because she was scared of me". Of course she never old me his name and he never sent me a bill for the damage to his car. I guess "married christian men with two kids" just have to suck it up when they aren't acting like christians.

We're doing OK with my son - he's 2 1/2 and luckily too young to pick up on the dynamics. If she were to come back looking for reconciliation (which I don't expect), she's not getting it. If there were to be a next time, by the time things went to rock bottom again, he'd be old enough to be traumatized by it. The marriage was never good enough for that.