FOO fighter

[Scott44]

Her mother is a pwBPD who nearly killed her through Munchausen-by-Proxy Syndrome.

Her father was/is a child molester.

She thinks maybe her grandfather molested her.

Her first boyfriend "raped" her with his fingers.

What made me think I could make her whole with as blunt a tool as unconditional love?

[dharmagems]

The question is why do you want to make her whole?  Does your love have conditions?

Or when she acts out in BPD from her FOO, why do you have an opinion of her needing to behave differently?

Is your self interest to protect your ego from getting hurt by her? 

We are all humans with egos.  We even have egos that say we can help these people, but can we? 

That is the reality of her FOO and BPD?

Heal yourself and then you can see her FOO and BPD for what it is. 

[willy45]

Hey Dude,

I totally get the need to understand what is going on with her and trying to make sense of it all. But, at the end of the day, there is nothing you can do about it. She's messed up. You didn't cause that. But, you did feel the effects of it. You suffered from it. You didn't do anything wrong. And, she is not your problem.

I went through this too. Trying to understand her, trying to figure her out. People on the boards kept telling me that it was no longer about her. That it was now about me. And I didn't really get that. But now I do. I went through emotional abuse. I hid it from everyone I know. I suffered through it in silence. And I never really understood once I got on these boards why everyone was telling me to focus on me. Well, now I do understand. I need to focus on me because if I don't, I will loose out on life. I will spend the rest of my life trying to fix someone else that isn't fixable. It would be like trying to fix a car that didn't have all it's engine parts and getting burned each time I reached my hand in. It would be like continuing to work on the car, destroying my body to fix something that is never going to run.

So, my suggestion to get through this stage is to try to do some things that focus on getting yourself out of this. I know that will be hard. And don't beat yourself up about it if you aren't totally successful. But try to do one or two things a day to focus on getting yourself out. Write yourself a note and stick it on your mirror. Reach out to a friend or family member and tell them what is going on. Get some exercise. Take up a new hobby. Keep doing things. Your mind will return to trying to fix her and trying to figure her out. This is what you have been doing for years. You have been habituated to doing it. You aren't going to be able to stop overnight. But do some things for you. Build up those walls both physically and emotionally. Put in a new brick every day. You will get over this.