BPD Mother in Law

[uli77]

I believe my MIL has BPD. My husband has always had an explosive relationship with her and they go long periods where they don't speak. Most recently they've gone roughly 6 months without speaking. He was encouraged by his aunt to reopen the relationship even though she acknowledges that her sister has untreated mental/emotional problems.

Being naive, or a fool, I thought he could reopen things with his mom by emailing her and being open hearted about the issues and frustrations he has with the relationship. These are basic things like trust, honesty, straightforwardness, etc. I thought with such distance between their last fight and the detachment of email, he might be able to get somewhere with her this way, and they might come to some understanding about moving forward. Of course this went nowhere. There were a few back-and-forths that stayed calm and simple on my husband's side but completely escalated on my MIL's side when she didn't get what she wanted. It was really frightening and disturbing to read what she had written. Even though I've known her for 15 years I never really understood the magnitude of the problem until yesterday. I can't believe this is what my husband grew up with and I feel so so sad for him.

So now, what to do. On one hand I want to get in touch with her myself, to support my husband, and call her out with the tiny hope that in talking to me--someone she doesn't have so much baggage with--we could get somewhere. But I also know how stupid and pointless that is. I do know it's important to her (or maybe I should say she is fearful of?) how I see her. I could also just support him in cutting off the relationship. I've never felt right about that before, but I really see what he sees now. It's freaking sad to know that no real progress is possible. But ultimately I don't feel like this will work... .  we're going to start a family soon and I would intend on letting her be a part of her grandchild's life in some way. I guess we could just wait until that happens and then get in touch with her. I think in the future, really knowing what we're dealing with, she could possibly be handled better, and in a way that doesn't cause my husband so much stress/anger/frustration. 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi uil77,

It's not stupid or foolish to want to reach out to your MIL. It sounds like you had good intentions and the issues between your husband and your MIL are quite complex and you're seeing a side of your MIL that you didn't see before.

It's really, really important that you and your husband are on the same page about this. How much involvement does he want his mother to have in your lives? You're right that there are ways to work on a relationship with someone with BPD and there are some great tools here to help you. It becomes even more important that you and your husband agree on how to handle your relationship with her once you have a family. Has your husband worked on the stress and anger that he's felt as a result of this relationship?

This is a sad situation for sure, but I'd suggest that you learn all you can about BPD, read up on the tools here, and feel free to join in the conversations here. Many of us have parents with BPD and would be happy to give some advice.

-GG

[Kwamina]

Even though I've known her for 15 years I never really understood the magnitude of the problem until yesterday. I can't believe this is what my husband grew up with and I feel so so sad for him.

This sounds very familiar to me. People like this often have many faces, like when there are guests they can act in a very sweet and kind manner, but right after all the guests have left all hell can break loose. I’ve experienced this many times myself and it made it very hard to talk to other people about my mother’s behavior. You feel like they would never believe you and when you do tell them, most often they really don’t believe you because she doesn’t act like that when they are around. I can imagine it must also have been very difficult for your husband to tell other people about his mother’s behavior towards him.

I can understand that you would want to reach out and try to make things better because that’s what normal people would do. The problem with BPD is that in many ways people with this disorder aren’t ‘normal’. That doesn’t mean that they’re crazy though because in my experience they know exactly what they do, when they do it and to whom they do it but in their mind they are completely justified to act like that. I do believe that it’s sometimes better to cut off the relationship, this doesn’t have to be permanently but a temporary break can give you time and space to work on healing yourself and developing better coping skills to deal with her.

[uli77]

Thanks so much for your responses, geekygirl and kwamina, I really appreciate it.  

My husband would be happy to have his mother out of his life. These past 6 months have been a relief for him and I've noticed his mood has been much lighter without interactions with her. He's worked on the stress and anger issues (therapy, meditation) and he has really improved over the years but when he's communicating with her, even if things are "peaceful" for a few months eventually the frustration or anger will build up and he explodes or cuts her off. I am sure he could use more work on this. His therapist recommended that if he wasn't going to cut her off completely that he keep their phone calls to 5 minutes once a week or month. I know he's tried that in the past but she's someone that wants (and expects) to be on the phone daily and so she gets resentful of any boundary like this and starts to act out. As much as he would be fine with her out of his life he is also open to reconnecting with her in some limited way. I know there would need to be a shift in his way of dealing with her in order to protect himself longterm. I'll definitely do more reading around here so maybe he/we could find a way to deal with her better if they do reconnect. I *think* overall we're on the same page except that I was holding out more hope that things could change. And in the past I thought that the way he interacted with her played a part in her behavior but now I see that it really has nothing to do with it.

Yeah she definitely puts on a show for me. In the past when she would come to visit my husband asked that I don't leave him alone with her because she turns the instant I'm gone. It's scary, say we're all in the car and I step out for less than a minute and leave the two of them alone, she starts in with "aren't you scared she'll leave you?" and other worries, judgements, etc. Even though I was aware that she was full of ___, I always thought that in addition to her nastiness and negativity, she could also be a kind, smart, funny person. That she also had something positive to offer. It's sad to see see or feel like none of that is real or lasting. Pretty much everyone sees her as "crazy" but more along the lines of neuroses, anxiety, eccentricity. They don't (and I didn't really) see that once you get beneath that it actually gets worse.

Thanks again!