Eating disorder

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have a problem releasing anxiety through eating food.  I remember overeating since I was very young, and I see no other explanation for my behavior than trying to release the fear, anxiety and other bad feelings I have always experienced around my BPD mother.  Can anyone relate?  Thanks in advance for sharing.

[healing_orlando]

I have a problem releasing anxiety through eating food.  I remember overeating since I was very young, and I see no other explanation for my behavior than trying to release the fear, anxiety and other bad feelings I have always experienced around my BPD mother.  Can anyone relate?  Thanks in advance for sharing.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi orlando,

It's quite possible that you're using food to self-soothe--that's very common, actually, and I've done it myself. Do you find that some feelings or triggers make you more likely to eat to feel better?

[healing_orlando]

Yes, mostly anxiety.  It's almost compulsive sometimes, and I can very easily tell when I get urges to do it because I am normally very health conscious and exercise regularly.  However, when I get anxiety or stress due to a flashback from my childhood, or due to an upcoming event that I know is going to force me in some way to communicate or interact with my BPD mother, I will use food to soothe these feelings.

[BetterDays4Me]

My sister and I both have struggled with eating disorders. Hers was anorexia and bulimia while mine was just bulimia. In hindsight, both of us had very low self esteem. We grew up with a uBPDm and a spineless dad. Not surprisingly it was a turbulent and volatile household at times. We both drank WAY too much in high school as well. Another way to self soothe I guess. 

I think that dealing with food issues is so difficult because we have to eat. We cannot just give it up. I think a lot of us have grown up with food being used as a treat or reward. Sweets for birthdays, holidays, etc. Many holidays revolve around food so it is no wonder so many people turn to food to comfort themselves. 

I feel for you because I know that this is a really difficult thing to deal with (on top of dealing with your BPDm!). The turning point for me was finally going to a treatment facility for a consultation and being told that the only way I would get better would be to be in their inpatient facility for a month. I was so ashamed of myself and didn't want to have to tell anyone and that really was my breaking point.  My only alternative was to do in (in private) on my own and that is what I did.  It was one of the great turning points of my life because I was so out of control and I finally was able to regain some power over my life.

I wish you luck with both the eating and your mom. 

[GeekyGirl]

It's good that you're aware of it and you're also in tune with your feelings enough to know when you're eating to soothe yourself. 

I think that dealing with food issues is so difficult because we have to eat. We cannot just give it up. I think a lot of us have grown up with food being used as a treat or reward. Sweets for birthdays, holidays, etc. Many holidays revolve around food so it is no wonder so many people turn to food to comfort themselves. 

That's a really good point. We can't stop eating entirely, but we can change how we approach food. I noticed that I eat when I'm bored or anxious. When I catch myself "in the act," so to speak, I stop, think about why I'm eating, and if it's not because I'm truly hungry, I find something different to do.

healing_orlando, have you talked to anyone about this? It can be helpful to talk through the emotions and find alternatives to help you with the stress and anxiety.

[healing_orlando]

Yes, GeekyGirl, I am dealing dealing with these and other issues with my therapist.  I also exercise regularly, so I guess the overeating every once in a while does not effect my weight too much, but the fact that I do it affects me psychologically and that is what really bothers me.  Thank you for the responses.

[GeekyGirl]

That's great. You're very self-aware and it sounds like you're doing some very healthy things. Having a mother with BPD is very stressful! Hang in there.

[XL]

I struggle with this a little. One of the best tricks I have though is to shop frequently, in small quantities. I buy enough snacks to satisfy, but not so many that it would be upsetting if I slipped and ate the whole bag. I also try to OVER eat healthy foods like yogurt and chicken (sounds counterintuitive) so I don't go eating whole bags of cookies. I try to block the food from ever coming into the house in the first place.   

My BPD mom also used to encourage over eating when she'd been bad. She try to dig herself out of a rage by taking us to the grocery for candy bars. She'd rather bribe us with sweets than apologize for her tantrums, and we got waaay more treats than a responsible parent would have purchased. There was a real attitude of "Life sucks, screw it, let's eat 'til we're sick!" She was also overweight and bullied anyone who broke away from her example. I didn't learn very good nutrition.