the love we feel, what is it?

[seeking balance]

I had read all of 2010's stuff, and it was good, but it didn't sufficiently explain the intensity/depth of feeling I had for my pwBPD. And while I know I had some N tendencies in dealing with my pwBPD, I am not NPD, and on test for it come out low of normal... .  which is pretty consistent with being a codependent/people pleaser... .  but still didn't explain the intensity.

The fact is - you bought it all - the idealization, the mirroring, the words... .  it was stronger for you than the actual logic and actions.  The intensity is because temporarily that "core wound" felt healed.  Once the temporary band-aid is ripped off, it is a bigger wound than what you started with.

Why?  Lonely, narcissism, childhood wounds, codependency, addiction, emotionally immature - that is something for you and your therapist to figure out.

The reality is if we stayed in these relationships a significant amount of time - we overlooked logic and chose to believe the words that were said because that FELT better.  It FELT better (more intense) because it was simply a numbing agent on our core wounds.

[gina louise]

thanks for this discussion Everyone-

The reality is if we stayed in these relationships a significant amount of time - we overlooked logic and chose to believe the words that were said because that FELT better.  It FELT better (more intense) because it was simply a numbing agent on our core wounds.

SB-this really resonated with me.

it FELT better, but that didn't necessarily mean it WAS better than anything else. It not only numbed the core wound-it permitted us to function as if, albeit temporarily, we had NO core wound to begin with.

For me, that was crucial. It allowed me a greater, and perhaps false, sense of freedom than I had felt in other intimate r/s. I FELT I was able to be more My Authentic Self-and be accepted that way- than previously, and that was a relief.

Until the rug got yanked from under me, I lost my footing and the FOG came rolling in.

GL

[charred]

I am not sure who needs to give it time... .  my god, it has been 30 yrs and is still intense... which is why I lean toward it being a faux primary attachment related issue, otherwise it should have been extinguished long ago... heck if I had just married her early on, probably would have been over and done in 18 months... .  but ... she still has an effect on me after all this time, and I could go on and on about all the nasty things she has done, the abuse/hatred... .  in the 4 yrs of actual time we spent together ... .  about 8 or 9 months was great, about 4 months was okay... .  rest was new level of hell that Dante missed... .  the BPD r/s level. I am thankful we didn't marry or have kids.

Didn't want to hijack the discussion, just fixated on the intensity... .  and how long the duration was... .  I have been infatuated with women and had it burn out in 6 mos or less before... and then there was nothing, I mean zero. Dated nicer women, some that were more motherly, a few were mothers... and the r/s were all normal, no psycho-drama. I may be blind to some of the other causes of the intensity, as they seem less real. I know there were red flags to the r/s and I heard what I wanted to and chose to believe things that rationally ... .  didn't make sense. I have paid a dear price for it.

I do think many of us that had troubled childhoods (which is about everyone really)... dream of meeting their true love, having kids and spending an idyllic life growing old together. I had that in mind... .  and probably had blinders on to the truth... .  but still, something made it strong and long lasting... .  why would it not be attachment related? (Other than not wanting it to be as it sounds so icky)

[Truth in Ruin]

The Dude is right.