I would never have left her.

[Scott44]

If it was up to me, I never would have left my ex-wife (physical and emotional abuse and all).

It took her discovery of my emotional involvement with another woman for her to end the marriage.

My social worker says that the emotional cheating was necessary to get me free from a sick relationship.

On days when I miss her so intensely, I regret the cheating so much it feels like I'm being suffocated.

Any thoughts?

[Iced]

... .  Be glad that you're a man and that said physical abuse didn't involve a shower rod being slammed over your head which sent you to the ER and left you in a coma for a week and when you woke up, you woke up to the sound of your SO sobbing hysterically saying over and over and over that they don't mean it and that it will never happen again, etc etc etc... .  only to have it happen again later, but with a different object.

At least... .  I hope it didn't.

WHY, Scott?  WHY, WHY, WHY?

Though I have had some interesting responses from some psyD's I've seen, NOT ONE of them has ever supported staying in a situation where there is abuse - especially when it's physical - and especially not without any intervention of some sort.

So why are you the exception to the rule?

How was everything SO amazingly GOOD that it overrules any and all of the abuse that you have received?

You mentioned previously that you're a psychologist yourself.

What does the psychologist in you say to yourself and what you would say if any of us here were one of your patients?

Those are what my honest thoughts and questions are.

[Scott44]

Thanks Iced.  I have had abused clients and never have I said that the abuse was in any way acceptable. 

I make excuses for her behavior.  I say in my head, "Well, the physical abuse hasn't happened for quite a while and her rages seem to be less often."  Maybe she was getting better just when I cheated on her.

My T actually said we cheated on each other.  As my wife began to idolize her female friend and spending every waking moment doing things for her, I turned to my emotional affair. 

[willy45]

Dude.

Buck up.

I did the same thing as you. I found someone else. And that lasted a while before I had the guts to leave. And I wish I hadn't because I beat myself up about it all the time. But I did. And so did you. We both knew deep deep down that this wasn't going to end well. So, we did what we did to break it apart. We are human. We didn't end things in the way that would have wanted to. And we are suffering the consequences. But, we got out.

Your ex sounds nuts dude. You can do better. Seriously. Do some jumping jacks and do a million push ups. Take a cold shower. And then tell yourself that you did the right thing. I will do the same. Deal?

Treat yourself as one of your patients and LISTEN TO YOURSELF! 

[Rose Tiger]

What purpose do trauma bonds to an unsafe person serve?  While we are all caught up in their moods, their rages, their issues, what does that help us avoid looking at?  Addictions serve a purpose, when we are cold turkey from an addiction, what comes up that we so desperately want to avoid?

[Scott44]

johnnyorganic,

Thanks so much for your post.  It's good to know that someone else is going through the same thing even though I wish for your sake that you weren't.

[dharmagems]

rosetiger,

well asked.  thanks

[Scott44]

Rose Tiger,

Great question.  I think for me it was trying all my life to please my VERY successful father and never quite being able to do it.  I played out the same dynamic with my ex wife.  So many issues for me to "solve" so many rages for me to tame didn't leave me enough time to examine what was hurting me from childhood forward.

[Rose Tiger]

In some way, the person with BPD can be a self soother to us.  A way to not feel, to set our emotions aside as unimportant because digging into that is painful.  It was survival when a kiddo but that fear carries on.  What is impossible as a child is not so scary as an adult.  Still difficult, don't get me wrong, but on the other side of pain is peace.

[seeking balance]

If it was up to me, I never would have left my ex-wife (physical and emotional abuse and all).

It took her discovery of my emotional involvement with another woman for her to end the marriage.

Scott, you did leave her - to heal you have to accept this and forgive yourself.

My social worker says that the emotional cheating was necessary to get me free from a sick relationship.

This may be true, but does it align with your core values?  I cheated (not BPD relationship) and that caused me more pain and grief than being cheated on - it was not who I was and it is not a healthy way to process emotional pain.  I was very disappointed in myself and spent a lot of time forgiving myself.

On days when I miss her so intensely, I regret the cheating so much it feels like I'm being suffocated.

Any thoughts?

Focus on forgiving yourself - the way to forgive yourself is to be really honest with yourself on why you did it, what was missing and how you plan to stay aware so next time you cope differently.

Ultimately, we are all human and make mistakes - if we do not forgive ourselves, we bring that baggage to the next relationship and set ourselves up for tolerating poor behavior because we think we deserve it.

Your T should be able to help you tap into this.

[Scott44]

Thanks seekingbalance.  Forgiving myself is a daunting task.

[Scott44]

A few years ago, she left me for an emotional relationship that took place in real life.  Mine was only on email and phone.  Still, not a healthy way to handle things.

[seeking balance]

A few years ago, she left me for an emotional relationship that took place in real life.  Mine was only on email and phone.  Still, not a healthy way to handle things.

To heal, stop justifying your behavior - accept it, learn from it, grieve it - and when you have the opportunity to act different (you will get that opportunity in life) do it differently.  It is then that final healing takes place

[Scott44]

Seeking balance: Thank you for your posts.  There is so much that I will do differently when I do get the opportunity in my future life.  For one thing, I will report ANY physical abuse to police immediately and leave the relationship for good.  I will also insist that my future significant other NOT devalue me.  If she does, I will consciously and without guilt leave the relationship for good.  There will be no need to involve a third party as a way of ending a toxic r/s.

[Scott44]

One thing I know for sure. If my wife hadn't caught me sending an email professing love to another woman (I could have sent it from work instead of home) I would still be married to my ex wife and I would still be devalued and abused.  My T says that I may have unconsciously wanted to be caught, just to get away from the abuse.