Decided to go through with reflective listening mediation

[Pilpel]

So after several emails got passed back and forth between me and my sil, I agreed to do mediation.  The mediator was my oldest brother, who has been involved with empathy as a theme, and has been interested in reflective listening as a way to mediate and improve empathy.  I was reluctant to do this because SIL's emails were very accusatory, some of the things she accused me of seemed to just come out of nowhere, and I didn't see her express any interest in understanding my point of view.  The break for me was when she wrote back and said that my brother (her husband/my younger brother) edited and approved of her accusatory letters so she was sticking to her version.  Even though I don't think my brother agrees with her email, I was ready to tell her I wanted to keep my distance from both of them. 

Anyhow, I was very anxious about the mediation.  But it occured to me that this reflective listening is along the same lines as what it recommends in Stop Walking on Eggshells.  The day of the mediation I calmed down and thought, I can listen to her accusations and reflect them back to her.  And she'll have to do the same.  And if something positive doesn't come out of it, then we can just agree to keep our distance.  It actually turned out to be a very positive thing for both of us.  My mediation brother introduced the family to reflective listening over Christmas, and my SIL says when she starts to feel angry at home, she'll tell her husband they need to do reflective listening --she also had her parents do it when they came to visit last month.  She's had a very strained relationship with the years, so it sounds like it was a very positive approach to smoothing out conflicts.  At the end of our mediation, we agreed that she was working on her anger and that she would try to think better of me and I told her that I was working on not reacting to her temper with fear or by getting upset and defending myself.   To interact with her, I need to not take her accusation personaly. 

Anyhow, I just wanted to share something that was really positive.  At this point, I realize that I still have to learn how to interact with her self-centered way of looking at the world.  But this reflective listening really seems to be the most effective way of interacting with my SIL when a conflict comes up.  And I feel like it was beneficial both ways.  She felt better having me repeat the things she was upset about and for me to express an understanding of her feelings.  And it was actually really satisfying to have her reflect back my feelings and thoughts on the conflicts we were discussing.  I got the impression that in repeating back what I was saying, she was able to start to see things about my point of view that she couldn't grasp in an email. 

Pilpel

[Pilate]

This is great news, Pilpel, and encouraging for you and your whole family. I think the insight you shared here, "I got the impression that in repeating back what I was saying, she was able to start to see things about my point of view that she couldn't grasp in an email." is important about the need for some in-person communication, which isn't necessarily available or best for some situations. I think what you describe would be helpful in my situation, too, with my SIL. I don't think we will ever be super close, but using a method like reflective listening would probably make our infrequent interactions better. I'm so happy for you and that you were able to have a positive experience!

Is there a book on reflective listening that you could recommend?

[GeekyGirl]

That's cool! I'm glad that it went well and gave you some encouragement. Sounds like you all learned quite a bit. Thanks for sharing this.

[Cordelia]

Thanks so much for sharing your experience!  For me it would be really hard to agree to do something like that with my uBPDm and it sounds like you had trepidation yourself.  It's great to hear that the exercise can actually be a positive experience.

[sherryg]

Thank you for sharing!  This offers great hope.  Did your bil have special training to do the mediation?

[Pilpel]

Pilate,

I was talking about this with someone, I they also mentioned the Speaker-Listener teqnique.  I found a link for that -- www.ronmoore.org/the-speaker-listener-technique/  

Here's some good info, too: www.analytictech.com/mb119/reflecti.htm

And this site has some links and videos of reflective listening put to practice: www.cultureofempathy.com/Projects/Empathy-Movement/References/Reflective-Listening.htm

A lot of the information seems to be about how to actually sit down together and mutually agree on practicing this teqnique.  From what I can see, the analytictech website might be more practical for someone who wants pointers on how to use it without telling the other person you're using it.  When I talked to my brother about it, his basic description was that you're just reflecting back what they say without making a judgement or agreeing with what they say.  I don't have my old copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, but I think that book recommends something along the same lines -- that you reflect back without emotion and without giving up your sense of reality.  Even though I read it awhile back, I didn't really get what it means to do that until going through this mediation.  And I think it's going to be something to work on over time.  One thing I realize in doing this is that it's a powerful skill to be able to sit down with someone and reflect back what they're saying without letting emotions or your own thoughts get in the way.  We've done this a few times.  And despite the fact that I've seen my SIL twist facts around in an ugly way, now that she's practicing reflective listening I can see that she's actually better at listening than I am.  

Pilpel