When I turned into the perpetrator

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

 This is the beginning of taking ownership in my part of a failed R/S with a woman that part of me will always love. But we just can't be together - ever.

I'll cut to the chase. She had returned to town to pack her things after leaving me suddenly and moving back in with her husband. Her house was being foreclosed and had no power. I offered to put her up. One thing I wanted to know was: why?

She would not say and was just plain nasty the last night. She slept on the couch and me in my bed.

I woke at 5 in the morning - the house was freezing. I went to the back door. It was wide open and my 3 house cats were gone. She had pulled another of her "runaways". First it was the now familiar dizzy feeling I got when she suddenly bolted but it changed into rage. I don't think I have ever been that angry.

I called the cats and they came back. Then I went into the living room. There she was still sleeping on the couch. WTF.

I quickly figured it out - she had gone out for a smoke in the middle of the night and the wind had blown the door open (it didn't always latch securely).

I went back out on my deck an looked up at the night sky - two planets and the full moon formed a perfect line - something lined up in my mind and soul. I knew that the final end had come (Previously she had said she still loved me and that she was not intimate with her husband, she was just staying with him out of convenience. Was she saying that there was still a relationship ... .  after what felt like a brutal betrayal? Crazy making!).

This is hard for me to say. I wanted revenge for all the emotion hurts I had endured. I wanted to hurt her. That scared me. I recall an article I had read about ending an abusive relationship. My weapon would be: wake her up and tell her firmly GTFO.

And that what I did. It was like watching myself from a corner of the room.

"Wake up hit_"

"What's wrong?"

"The back door is wide open and my cats are gone"

"Oh no ... .  you love your cats'

"Thats OK they came back ... .  but I have had it and will no longer take your abusive behavior. GTFO. (I didn't yell). You have two minutes to get out!"

I went into my bedroom and closed the door. I did a little victory dance and heard myself laughing. I felt amazing - more alive and vital than I think I have ever felt.

I waited for some time until I didn't hear any motion and went to the back door. I heard her calling her dog to get in her car. I felt an urge to call out "The wicked witch of the west is gone" but I didn't. I went back in my house slamming the door knowing she would hear it.

A few hours later I got an email: "I can't believe how cruel you are. Your sudden mood shifts are terrible (a little projection perhaps). I don't want to hear from or see you ever again - if you try I will call the police".

That's the last I have heard from her.

How do I feel 4+ months later (with no contact)?

I almost hate to admit it but for the most part it still feels good. The giving her a taste of her own medicine. Finally standing up for myself.

But there is remorse. Waking up like that would be a terrible shock to anyone. She had bad PTSD. No doubt it added another layer of trauma. I hurt another human being and someone that I deeply cared for.

This is an awakening for me. I never wanted to acknowledge that I had this darkness in me - but I do. I wanted to think I was only the victim and rescuer. She was the perpetrator - the bad one - me the good one.

I'm glad I got that out. There is so much more work to do. Why did I get into this r/s? Why did I stay? Was I really the poor victim? Or was I abusing her with my rescuing and playing the victim - taking advantage of someone with a mental defect? Man where do I start? Maybe I just did ... .  

[nolisan]

 This is the beginning of taking ownership in my part of a failed R/S with a woman that part of me will always love. But we just can't be together - ever.

I'll cut to the chase. She had returned to town to pack her things after leaving me suddenly and moving back in with her husband. Her house was being foreclosed and had no power. I offered to put her up. One thing I wanted to know was: why?

She would not say and was just plain nasty the last night. She slept on the couch and me in my bed.

I woke at 5 in the morning - the house was freezing. I went to the back door. It was wide open and my 3 house cats were gone. She had pulled another of her "runaways". First it was the now familiar dizzy feeling I got when she suddenly bolted but it changed into rage. I don't think I have ever been that angry.

I called the cats and they came back. Then I went into the living room. There she was still sleeping on the couch. WTF.

I quickly figured it out - she had gone out for a smoke in the middle of the night and the wind had blown the door open (it didn't always latch securely).

I went back out on my deck an looked up at the night sky - two planets and the full moon formed a perfect line - something lined up in my mind and soul. I knew that the final end had come (Previously she had said she still loved me and that she was not intimate with her husband, she was just staying with him out of convenience. Was she saying that there was still a relationship ... .  after what felt like a brutal betrayal? Crazy making!).

This is hard for me to say. I wanted revenge for all the emotion hurts I had endured. I wanted to hurt her. That scared me. I recall an article I had read about ending an abusive relationship. My weapon would be: wake her up and tell her firmly GTFO.

And that what I did. It was like watching myself from a corner of the room.

"Wake up hit_"

"What's wrong?"

"The back door is wide open and my cats are gone"

"Oh no ... .  you love your cats'

"Thats OK they came back ... .  but I have had it and will no longer take your abusive behavior. GTFO. (I didn't yell). You have two minutes to get out!"

I went into my bedroom and closed the door. I did a little victory dance and heard myself laughing. I felt amazing - more alive and vital than I think I have ever felt.

I waited for some time until I didn't hear any motion and went to the back door. I heard her calling her dog to get in her car. I felt an urge to call out "The wicked witch of the west is gone" but I didn't. I went back in my house slamming the door knowing she would hear it.

A few hours later I got an email: "I can't believe how cruel you are. Your sudden mood shifts are terrible (a little projection perhaps). I don't want to hear from or see you ever again - if you try I will call the police".

That's the last I have heard from her.

How do I feel 4+ months later (with no contact)?

I almost hate to admit it but for the most part it still feels good. The giving her a taste of her own medicine. Finally standing up for myself.

But there is remorse. Waking up like that would be a terrible shock to anyone. She had bad PTSD. No doubt it added another layer of trauma. I hurt another human being and someone that I deeply cared for.

This is an awakening for me. I never wanted to acknowledge that I had this darkness in me - but I do. I wanted to think I was only the victim and rescuer. She was the perpetrator - the bad one - me the good one.

I'm glad I got that out. There is so much more work to do. Why did I get into this r/s? Why did I stay? Was I really the poor victim? Or was I abusing her with my rescuing and playing the victim - taking advantage of someone with a mental defect? Man where do I start? Maybe I just did ... .  

[maria1]

Where do you start? You just did. That's difficult and brave and good on you for sharing and delving into your darkness .

And it's just a beginning.

Are you seeing a therapist Nolisan?

[nolisan]

Yes indeed

I started seeing a woman counselor (MSW) from a woman (and men's) shelter right near the end of the relationship. First off I got validation that this was an emotionally abusive relationship My friends had been telling me that but I didn't want to believe them.

And I had been seeing a psychologist since the early summer for PTSD and depression. We shifted focus to get me through the breakup.

Both said early on the she sounded BPD but I had no idea until a few months ago what that was. When I began reading about it the bells started to go off. I realized I wasn't completely crazy and there was a name for this behavior.

My reading and some online tests have shown me that I too have some traits - histrionic, narcissism, and even (gulp) borderline. The psych assured me that I don't have full blown PD's but that these traits combined with her stuff was a recipe for trouble.

I at at a point now where I can start to write about the journey. Starting to have glimmers of acceptance, gratitude and even forgiveness - for both of us.

Glad I found this forum.

[GustheDog]

I'll tell ya, man - I have similar mixed feelings about my own behaviors in the wake of my breakup with my exBPDgf.

All the abuse, rolling over, appeasing her, begging her, emptying my bank account, ripping my hair out, losing entire nights of sleep, etc. - all it brought was more abuse.  I was castrated and and a totally broken man.

Then we had a few short interactions after a brief period of NC.  In the interim I discovered BPD, and, that issue notwithstanding, conversations with third parties helped me center myself and realize that I'd been severely used and abused.

The next few times we spoke I really stood up for myself.  Felt good.  But then I'd see that, whether I was keeping my boundaries or allowing them to be trampled, I was still a bad guy to her.  Then I'd second guess myself about being assertive, reminding myself how much pain she's in, etc.  And then I'd think, but what about MY pain?  And I'd go back and forth just like a BPD!

I don't think you were acting unreasonably by telling her to ship out, but here's my biggest question: Why did you tell her she could crash at your place to begin with?  After what she'd just put you through you?  I can't think of anyone less deserving of a personal favor at that particular moment.  In view of this being posted on the personal-inventory board, this issue is what seemed most salient to me here.

I'm guilty of similar things, and I feel foolish when I think about them.  The minute she decided to abandon me at the drop of a hat, I should have made one 10-second speech about how earth-shatteringly messed up that is, walked away and never looked back.

P.S. - You mentioned your counselor is an MSW; reminded me of something I find amusing.  My ex has an MSW (but is not a practicing social worker).  I lived with her in grad school, so I know what the coursework in that discipline is like.  After our breakup, which was handled with as much maturity, empathy, kindness, consideration, validation, respect, and good communication as you'd expect (i.e., NONE), I asked her why she didn't feel compelled to apply her MSW skills to our situation.  She didn't care to respond.

[waitaminute]

I'm trying to reconcile with my normal ex wife. She is a little controlling - says she just wants me to be at my best- but really a great girl in all other respects.

But I think I have some BPD fleas. Last night she pushed some buttons in me and I yelled at her in public... .  Just like my BPD ex used to do. I'm not happy about that.

[nolisan]

... .  , but here's my biggest question: Why did you tell her she could crash at your place to begin with?  After what she'd just put you through you?  I can't think of anyone less deserving of a personal favor at that particular moment.  In view of this being posted on the personal-inventory board, this issue is what seemed most salient to me here."

Thanks for flagging this Gus. Busted! .

The year with the ex was really my first committed love affair. I just turned 57 and have 4.5 years clean and sober. I started drinking/using at 14 and stopped serious involvement in relationships. I feel I took the "detour" because it was "safer and easier". The booze/drug would never abandon me - people could and would.

So at 3 years sober I felt I might be ready for a romantic relationship. But in reality I knew nothing about the subject. I met the ex in AlAnon and learned of her terrible childhood. She blamed all her life's problems on that and the resulting complex PTSD. She was pretty, smart and well educated.

I thought I could rescue and fix her. I became obsessed with her and avoided taking care of myself - like a drug. I became addicted to the chaos and uncertainty - loving the good times, especially the sex, and then feeling terrible craving and desperation when she would suddenly detach when I slighted her.

I viewed her as "the one" - a gift from God. She talked about marriage and forever. I had never heard this - never been loved romantically. I had never experience "connected sex" before - my bond was like superglue - tight but brittle. The abusive behavior and cycles created a "betrayal bond" - the worst if got the stronger the bond = insanity.

When she finally ran to her hubi - she told me that they were not intimate (really?) And she was just staying there 7 months. She had hinted that there was something special about 7 months. Was she going to come back? She said I could visit her in the city (stay in a hotel? make love?).

I was addicted to her and grasped at any faint hope that it wasn't over. It was. I'm guessing that she may have found it beneficial to keep me hanging on / an escape hatch with her hubi. She had used him for that when I was her "primary".

I am working ACoA and CoDA - I have so many dysfunctional traits. I have my own PTSD. I was attracted to her like a month to a flame. I am just beginning to work this stuff. Not sure if I will ever be ready for an adult relationship. I am not demanding one. If an opportunity arises I will be much more mindful of any mental illness. I seek a r/s of equals. Interdependent vs Codependent.

This experience, as difficult as it was, is a gift.

[Take2]

I'm sitting alone at almost 11pm crying my eyes out in my car,  parked in a dentist office parking lot.

After he kicked me out of his house tonight.

Because I overreacted by slamming a wine bottle down (it did not break) and threw the t shirt across the room as I took it off.

Yes I overreacted. Because I caught him in more lies about being on yet another dating website.

I wouldn't even over react except HE flipped out last week because I had emailed a male coworker about WORK.

Its gotten SO insane.

I am the one getting kicked out and crying alone in the dark after I APOLOGIZED .

What the hell is wrong with me that I am crying over this treatment... .  

[nolisan]

Sounds like quite a dance around the drama triangle. Just a suggestion: don't go back. Take this as his final "gift".

Go no contact and let some healthy happiness fill the void. Nature abhors a vacuum.

Stay safe and get well. This is your starting point.

Metta

[Take2]

Thank you so much Metta... .  I am safe and got home safely last night... .  

I'm embarrassed by the intensity of my reaction last night.  Not that my anger wasn't totally justified after what he has been putting me thru, but that said, slamming a bottle down is not appropriate.  It didn't break but I admit I thought it might when I did it.  It wasn't truly my intent but it was very hard.

But that he then kicked me out?  I just don't understand his behavior.  Not that I understand mine last night.

I guess I understand me less.  Because I am so intensely depressed over being shut out.

The lies about the dating website and girl texting him don't even touch the pain of being shut out.

[waitaminute]

Slamming a wine bottle down. Throwing a shirt.

Wow! You should be ashamed of yourself.

Not.

Do not blame  yourself for something so normal. I rrecall early on here that I mentioned adapting my behavior to "keep the peace". Some pointed out that I was already showing signs of dysfunction by doing something that was dysfunctional to accommodate her own dysfunction. And likewise, I think that if you are at the point where you are condemning yourself for such normal behavior, then you have been led to the world of dysfunction yourself.

The dating sites are a sure path to at least an emotional relationship. Then more. I know well the draw to internet relationships. One can even rationalize and say they are innocent. But they will kill a good relationship. Don't accept it is my advice.

[Take2]

Thanks Waitaminute... .  

Although it still isn't normal for me.  I don't want to feel out of control like that.

I know how horribly dysfunctional I am right now

And despite being in therapy (and she is not available for weeks ata time), despite feeling stronger he ALWAYS finds a way to get me totally thrown off when I think nothing more can surprise me.

I have never met a person more unable to accept responsibility nor to show empathy when I have needed it moat.

I had depression long before I met him.  But I never knew how low I could go.

And that the person I love so deeply shut me out?

Keep in mind my "rage" as over in ten minutes.  And we talked for an hour in his garage afterwards.

And it was cold.

And he refused to let me go back inside as if I was somehow a dangerous person!

I am most definitely depressed.

Most definitely dysfunctional.

But NEVER EVER dangerous.

And yes he is much bigger and stronger than me.

[vanilla_essence]

There's a great sense of relieve when we can say what we contributed to these r/ships. I know and am quite willing to admit that the changing of roles was all part of the dance. And yes I think the most difficult part is that sense of power when you manage to take things into your own hands and actually say or do something that may have an effect on them. When you think about it because they took so much of our power away (and we let them) it's a normal reaction to want to try and get some of it back. Then follows that feeling of guilt or shame that comes with having felt that way.

I believe we have to remind ourselves of the very extreme situations we found ourselves in. Isn't it normal to react to such abuse? Isn't there a point where we cave in and can no longer control ourselves? I think so because when I really think about it I can only compare some of the treatment we all received as mental torture. It's the biggest vicious circle you can get yourself into.

Why did we continue in letting that happen to us?

Early abuse, as we all know accounts for a lot of it and then there's the trauma bonding that follows on from those childhood patterns. Then one day it gets so bad that you have to let go, despite the attachment and that's when the work really begins. Hard work. The hardest you'll ever have to do.

It's never constant and it's never rapid change. It's a long and difficult path to becoming who we truly are. I've made some huge mistakes on that road to recovery and I'm still not there yet. But I don't feel guilty nor do I feel any real shame anymore. I'm human and some situations just drive you round the bend. I'm not ashamed because I know I can explain why I did the things I did. I can give rational explanations. I don't avoid any questions. I do try to answer those questions people ask me about it and I try to understand the questions that run through my mind without denying myself of the truth.

The best thing we can do is ride above it all and stop trying to be right. Society keeps plugging us with right and wrong. Where is the right and wrong in all of this? I see so many people suffer because of mental health and I've just come to the conclusion that it's part and parcel of human existance.

Hope this make sense. Just what came to mind reading your post.

[Take2]

Yes, Ny-Lon, I totally agree.  That I gave my power away to him to such an extent in just being there yesterday and to find out how he is lying to me - after his intense intense rages accusing me of doing what HE was actually doing (and I was in no way doing).  It is part of what made me react to intensely (for me that is, in reality, it was NOTHING in comparison to what he does to me on a regular basis).

I have been trying to detach and part of my anger is at myself. I thought I had detached enough emotionally that I would not be affected to the extent that I was last night.  As much as I still feel like I truly love this man, I am a shattered person.  I will keep trying to find myself again.