how do I support without getting sucked back in?

[gina louise]

My stbxH is seeing a psychiatrist and has committed to at least a few visits. he's also been in daily contact with me since telling me this news recently. I want to be supportive but not get sucked back into his drama. he's deeply troubled and he seems to realize it. we don't speak-just text or e-mail. which I prefer, as I am more likely to be tugged by the sound of his voice and his sad stories.

how can I be supportive as a friend-without being recycled as a partner? is it even possible? The divorce will be final end of April/May. Perhaps sooner.

I know in my gut this will not "fix" his mental health issues-not by a long shot. but I don't want to be dismissive either.

I would be hurt if the tables were turned and I was the one seeking help, telling him and felt anxious about his reaction.

I know he's gone out on a shaky limb to share this with me. I don't want to make it harder on him.

I don't want to say... "SO what?". I have limited my comments to "good for you" and "I am glad you are going and I hope it helps" and the like.

I feel VERY good, myself. Stable. Solid, grounded. I am not ruminating, longing or missing him overly. No yearning. Not a twinge. Haven't shed a tear in many days. I feel like I am on track for the major overhaul of MY life and it's mostly good.  I am doing well. I feel like the old me. The confident, secure, happy to be me  ME. I am broke as heck, but that's not going to last.

I am trying NOT to rub in how OK I feel. How well I am doing by myself.

Is it "fair" to be supportive? As a concerned friend would be? I don't want to give him the wrong impression. Yet I don't want to be unkind either. he needs as much help as he can handle!

this is just SO tricky.

GL

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[OTH]

He needs the support of a professional and his own desire to do better. Short of I think this is a great idea and goid luck. I don't see why you should offer anything more.

[maria1]

Hi GL

It's great he's seeking help.

But it's great that you are doing so well! I have struggled with wanting to be a supportive friend to my ex with all the same concerns you list here. I do worry that in doing so there's not a way of NOT giving him false hope. If I kept slamming that hope down I felt like I was continually bringing him down but if I ignored his hope I felt I was being unfair. I didn't find an answer that felt OK I'm afraid.

I think OTH is probably right- but how about trying to post on the staying board? Even though you are definitely NOT staying in a relationship with him you are considering a way to support him. Folks on there might be able to give you some tips.

Whenever I went near the staying board it helped me see I wasn't really able to do it in the way required. I needed all my energies for me. BUT I wasn't married to my ex and we were together less than a year.

Sorry you're feeling pulled like this, despite the progress. I think you're great and am so impressed by where you've got to. Truly x

[Grey Kitty]

how can I be supportive as a friend-without being recycled as a partner? is it even possible?

Being recycled won't happen unless you dive back into what you've been trying so hard to get out of. He can't "make" you do it if you are unwilling.

Are there specific patterns you are afraid of falling back into that you want help with?

I don't want to say... *SO what?*. I have limited my comments to *good for you* and *I am glad you are going and I hope it helps* and the like.

   Sounds like you do have the right idea!

It sounds like you accept that he has a lot of work to do, and may stick with this and get somewhere... .  or may not get very far, and you aren't getting involved. Another good sign.

I am trying NOT to rub in how OK I feel. How well I am doing by myself.

Trying to be kind to him is good for both of you.

Is it *fair* to be supportive? As a concerned friend would be? I don't want to give him the wrong impression. Yet I don't want to be unkind either. he needs as much help as he can handle!

Yes it is fair.

Remember you can't control his impressions, feelings, or reactions.

If you are kind to him, you will feel better about yourself, so keep on doing it as much as you can. (I'm reminded of some personal crap I'm going through... .  where it has become very apparent that I am more honest than kind if I have to choose. Others were more kind than honest, and over time that made a bigger mess and everybody involved now feels worse for the false "kindness"

Be ready to kindly modify your own actions in the future if the results don't match your good intentions.

[gina louise]

well, I moved 2 hours away-so there's little chance we will randomly see each other.

He's not stalking me or harassing me in any way-just telling me what's going on. he's said nice things like he misses me and thinks of me daily-which I totally take with a grain of salt. that's only applicable at the moment he states it.

I want to be a supportive listener-as in validating his feelings when he shares-without having to BE/turn into his emotional caretaker again. Mostly, I put it back onto him-it's HIS life and his choice.

I realize my "support" means little-in a text and from 2 hours away. But I would be compromising MY values if I was harsh or dismissive, Blunt... .  rude.

(he's not had a dx of anything but bi-polar years ago... .  )

I just want to keep a safe enough emotional distance for me-while being decent to him. and yes... I will NOT be recycled against my will! 

thanks All,

GL

[seeking balance]

If you are totally detached, then the best way to keep yourself in check is enforcing your own boundaries.  Read the lessons, know your boundaries, know yourself and do not expect anything (I mean anything) emotional support or "thank you" from him - he has plenty on his plate and your needs will not be on his radar - frankly, they don't need to be if he is focused on himself.

Right now, you are a security blanket as he is embarking on looking at himself, when he doesn't need a security blanket, be prepared to not hear from him daily and be prepared emotionally for the change in you.

[momtara]

This is a question I am dealing with myself, as I am just at the beginning of my divorce and questioning it daily.

I think you should offer some support, and of course maintain your boundaries.  You are right to want to treat him the way you're being treated.  Definitely respond, just do what you are doing - don't throw in anything overly syrupy, but be gentle and a good friend. 

It seems like the general advice I've read is to keep someone like him at 'arms length.'  Don't entirely ignore, be gentle and understanding, but don't get sucked all the way back in.  I know it's a struggle, but you care about this person (at least a little bit) so that's what life is like with someone needy. 

[gina louise]

 seeking balance

thanks. I am prepared for him to quit the therapy after one or maybe two sessions.

I figure he will uncover new reasons to return to his hater phase.(that's what therapy may do)

he may just disappear again. that's fine. we already have our divorce settlement agreement. 

whatever he presents is IN him-not coming from me. I feel very secure in that.

thanks all,

GL

[Randi Kreger]

I think the answer to this one is twofold.1) Can he, or will he, respect your boundaries of only talking via email or text? Believe me, I validate and support all kinds of people who write me 30 paragraphs and I respond with just one or two warm sentences. If he can stick to that, along with limiting the number of emails a week, that is one thing. If he can't, that is another. You can try. I don't know if you need to spell it out or not. You would know this.2) Mentally, are you able to set limits on yourself? Can you support without getting hooked back in? Are you doing this for him, or are you really doing this for reasons of your own? If you're doing it for him and you're doing great on your own, why would you go back? No one can recycle you. You can only do it to yourself. So that's up to you. Honor yourself.